JOKES

Scotland's expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down Sauchiehall Street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye - "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
"See me, ah'm Scotland's world expert oan European wasps an' the sounds that they make. I'd very much like tae listen tae the new LP you huvv advertised in the windae."
"Aye, nae borra" says the young man behind the counter. "Get yersel intae the booth and put oan the headphones, I'll put the LP oan furr ye."
Scotland's world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "Ah might be Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make, but ah didnae recognise wan of thae wasp sounds."
"Affy sorry sir" says the young assistant. "If ye want take pap yerr erse back intae the booth, I can let you huvv another 10 minutes."
Scotland's world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.
"Naw, ah dinnae get it," he says, "I am Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make, an' yet I still cannae recognise wan of those!"
"**** me sir" says the young man, "If ye want, I could gie ye 5 mair minutes furra right good listen."
Sighing, the Scotland's expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.
Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
"I am the Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make an' I didnae recognise a single wan of thae wasps on that LP."
"Och **** sir, ah'm really, affy, terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've jist realised I was playing you the Bee side."

I came home tonight, and my wife said, "I made pizza, and I also cooked ahead".
I replied, "I don't want to eat a head!?"

(I'm vegan)

My wife and I were talking about vacations
She said she wants to go somewhere she’s never been before
I said how about the kitchen?
- dangerfield

If i had my way that wasp record joke wouldve stayed in its sleeve