AGING PARENTS

Warming up to the teasers for Sweet Pecan Summer.

This stuff is easy to make fun of but seems to fill some of the void left by most regular movies being about superheroes and such.

Treat Williams and the actress playing one of his daughters are now singing a tuneful version of “Tura Lura Lura,” although maybe not as good as the one in The Last Waltz.

Treat Williams possibly not a Covidiot tho.

lol.

These are like the non-auteur versions of that recipient of a noted Morbius zinger, They All Laughed.

Will refrain from live-blogging Todaytoday.

Don’t hold out on us man

Can’t go there right now

Starting to lose it after a very short period of time, don’t know how Neanderthal does it.

Not trying to be weird or brag or anything, but truly happy that my early 70s parents don't watch TV or know anything about the internet.

I wish you the best ET, I empathize with your situation, and I recommend a book called Stuff by Steketee/Frost. It was very compassionately written and totally not stupid. It changed my relationship with my mom after she read it.

― mambo jumbo (La Lechera), Saturday, January 4, 2014 10:14 PM (seven years ago) bookmarkflaglink

The Steketee/Frost book is great. Recommend it to anyone dealing with this.

― Elvis Telecom, Saturday, January 4, 2014
Thanks yall! (also to quincie, actual student of Prof. Stetekee). Just started reading it. Elvis, I seem to recall that somewhere you recommended a particular kind of shredder---crossbolt?

Starting to lose it after a very short period of time, don’t know how Neanderthal does it.

― Hitsville Ukase (James Redd and the Blecchs), Monday, August 23, 2021 4:10 PM bookmarkflaglink

shit, I lose my mind all the time. gotta make sure to carve out the time for yourself every so often <3

good news:

*we got a new walker for dad, and he walks better with it
*we rearranged the furniture in the house, and he's moving better as it's a straighter shot from his chair to bathroom
*we got a portable ramp for dad outside, and that's nullified the risk outdoors, where he had his last fall
*we've had temporary physical therapy prescribed for him again which is helping
*mom is going back to work part-time doing a relatively low risk, low intensity job, and that will help

bad news:

*I'm hemorrhaging money, despite making 70k a year. that seems impossible, but ...here we are. It is costing me wayyyy more to live here than it did last year as the rent is more expensive, mom spends a lot on groceries for us and stuff for dad like diapers, adult day care visits REALLY adds up and I split it with her/my bro. I'm going to have to approach the conversation about their cell phone bills, which I've paid now for about 6 years, and maybe taking their phones and finding their own plans, since they barely use their phones anyway. It's like over $100 a month, and adds up. yes, some of it is me being lazy and spending too much on food, but....there's definitely more expenditure than I expected.

*(don't get me wrong, I still have plenty of savings, but I can't lose money at this rate, esp if I'm finding it difficult to rebuild my savings)

*I'm having to renew this lease for another year. mom can't do it on her own. unfortunately, the idea I had of conning my brother to move in with us couldn't materialize (even though he needed a place to live) as we were closing in on our 60 day cancellation period, and it is way too risky to have us opt out of our lease with nowhere lined up to go. the thought of doing this another year is....ugh. hopefully we get the HSBC Waiver approved next year.

all in all, things are going better-ish lately, but my life feels very *on hold*. mom keeps trying to encourage me to date, but between pandemic and LOL this living arrangement, how even could I? fortunately I have zero desire to do it right now.

but...i am carving out pockets of time for me, so at least there's that.

my mother is just so brutal to my dad these days it's taking me everything not to scream at her.

I have held off because she has a lot of physical pain but the poor guy shuts down around her because she does nothing but yell at him and say he isn't trying.

but it's kind of poetic, dad screamed at mom all the time growing up, now they've reversed roles. cute.

I still have an anxious reaction like I did as a kid when it happens too. regress to my teens.

Just started reading it. Elvis, I seem to recall that somewhere you recommended a particular kind of shredder---crossbolt?

Crosscut. If you have a LOT of shredding (boxes and boxes worth), it might be worthwhile to contact a third-party shredding service. My local box & ship store has one and I'd probably take stuff there rather than kill another shredder with the volume.

hope the karma bank is paying triple interest to neando

This is kind of small potatoes, but my parents, who are reasonably well-informed, are about as eager to "return to normal" as people can get. They're going to an art show at a small-ish gallery tomorrow, and I said I'd meet up with them beforehand for brunch, outdoors. My mom made a reservation...for indoors. I had to call and explain to her that I won't be eating indoors anytime soon, and that she and my dad probably shouldn't either, and she seemed a little shocked by my insistence.

xxpost Thanks, Elvis! Hadn't thought of third-party, hope they have crosscut, which might be more secure, if it really shreds, not just separates into those easily matched segments.
Neanderthal, maybe check Consumer Cellular for cheapo rates, and highly rated (by Consumer Reports readers' surveys etc etc) service. Their main competitor is Lively, with Jitterbug etc., dunno how that is.

not a bad idea

also my dad doesn't use his phone and destroyed it yesterday so I think i'm just taking him off altogether. mom basically takes his calls for him on hers.

every day, mom continues to express disbelief that a stroke victim with bad arthritis in his knees sometimes can't move the way she wants him to.

yelled at him and said she wouldn't take care of him anymore if he didn't start listening to her (this was a week or so ago). i started bawling and hugging my dad tight because he had a reaction to it like it stung.

I started taking on extra things like driving dad to daycare on occasion to help out, and mom promised to try and be more mindful of the things she says.

all very tiring. i'm good cop, he does better with me.

I can't remember whether you've talked about this before, Neanderthal, but I wonder how much of her anger and vitriol at him is her fear of mortality (both his and hers), her own declining health, etc? I guess I don't really know what their relationship was like before, and you don't have to go into that, but it seems really likely that she's lashing out because she's absolutely terrified. It doesn't justify it, of course, but it could explain it.

I'm sure that plays into it a bit. she's not in perfect health herself. there's a lot at play and I don't think she's worked it all out.

a therapist might help, idk the last time she saw one

someone took/stole my dad's portable wheelchair ramp off of our doorstep today.

i'm just at my wit's end with assholes right now.

Wishing you some hours or days of respite, neanderthal. You're a damn good good cop, but everyone needs time for themselves.

might go for a late night drive along the beachline tonight and jsut blast tunes.

Damn, that is dirty. Best to you, Neanderthal. Hope you can catch some breaks soon.

^^^

had a positive moment of clarity today. dad fell again today, but not seriously. the frustration was more that it happened during one of my classes and I was freaked out cos he was not in a position I could quickly get him up.

but I didn't let it overwhelm me today, I quickly sent my class to break, got it covered, and managed to get him to a temporary sitting position and heaved him the fuck up.

i felt proud of myself that i'm able to actually serve this role because I don't think I could have done this pre-anxiety medication. yes...i have bad days. but i'm standing. and once upon a time, this would have driven me into committing myself. but it's not doing that.

im going to be ok.

also managed to return to class before break ended lol. my boss's boss suggested I take a few mins before jumping back in and took over temporarily.

he fell and hit his head today, little cut on his forehead. *sigh*. there goes my Saturday. hoping he is ok.

mom left him alone standing with his walker for 2 seconds, and inexplicably, he was on the floor way in front of his walker. no idea how that happened.

Dang sorry. You took him to Bond right? How'd he like that?

he had a great time. we all did! want to take him to Halloween Kills now.

getting ready to go to ER.

He's still there though mostly out of precaution. ER thinks his meds slowed his heart and made him dizzy and took him off said meds.

He is apparently going to a short term rehab facility. I feel guilty because I don't just find this good news because it's for the best for his health and mobility, but because (especially) Mom and I need a break. They can do the things we've had to for the last year temporarily.

Hoping I can visit him as I miss him already

Sometimes it's for the best for him and you and there is nothing wrong with feeling that.

thanks <3

going to see him after dinner later. going to tell him Marx Brothers jokes until he laughs and mom rolls her eyes and storms out

Wait was he admitted to the hospital? Medicare doesn’t pay for rehab unless there was a hospital admission for at least 3 nights?

Oh wait that is waived during COVID apparently

He was admitted yes. Tomorrow will be his third day.

They changed one of his medications as they think it was slowing his heart. I'll know more tomorrow... I'm gonna work out of his room

https://www.medicare.gov/care-compare/?providerType=NursingHome&redirect=true

^^^for finding a skilled rehab with decent quality ratings. The social worker/discharge planner may try to railroad you into a particular facility, but you have the right to choose.

thanks quincie. we took this under advisement, looks like they found ag ood facility for him. they just have to clear a UTI first to send him there.

I've worked out of the hospital and spent time with him this week, he's in good spirits. mom has been too, probably because the hospital is taking care of him and not her for once.

I got a massage last night. holy gooood did I need that.

*a good, not an odd facility, though my dad arguably does need to go to one of those too given his terrible jokes

inexplicably was given a 2k performance award at work today. it doesn't pay out until March (almost like a 'bonus'), and I have to stay employed through then to get it, but....very shocked (in a good way). which makes me feel bad for my recent grousing (which wasn't about my department as much as the company), honestly I am very grateful for it and this will shut me up for a long time no matter how shitty things get.

as I am spending a lot more living with my folks and taking care of dad and also I have a big tax bill coming up for a 401k withdrawal and this will help mitigate that a lot.

Thanks quincie, rat on neanderthal!

Well deserved I am sure Neander, glad you had a bright spot this week!

ok so UTI seems to be dealt with but haven't sent him to rehab center yet because they did a CT scan of his pelvis to see why he was retaining urine and found a huge mass of dookie up in there, he was apparenlty majorly constipated (which mom suspected for a while, but he would never be honest/couldn't tell us due to his condition).

they think this is why he's retaining urine AND why his heart rate is up, they've been enemaing him all day.

I guess this is the last step before he comes home. I didn't get to see him today as mom told me the smell would make me sick, so that was disappointing, but I'll see him tomorrow.

brother hasn't seen him once. he's busy, I know, but he also does this thing when he becomes afraid to visit dad in the hospital, so I'm gonna have to be a hardass on him soon if he can't make 20 minutes.

he's still...here. ugh. still retaining urine after enema, heart rate is still high, so they think his medication that helps lower his blood pressure/heart rate caused his fall, but without it, his heart rate goes up a lot.

it's not like he's in danger or anything but we keep spinning wheels, while meanwhile he has a room available at rehab center that I'm sure won't be held forever.

and then one of my friends last night lays on me a guilt trip that I should be doing more to help my mother escalate things with the doctor (i.e. why haven't we talked to the urologist yet, we always seem to miss them). that didn't help, because now I think I'm doing too little but I'm here this morning and have been calling the nurse and trying to do things so mom doesn't have to come in and can work. but I also was here a lot this week despite working full time (I spent 16 hours of my work week working from here, only went home when I had classes to teach, and the one day where mom said not to come as he was getting an enema).

oh and btw this is a Jesus hospital :/

being discharged as we speak! to go to his rehab facility. excellent!

mom and I have had a good system of being present, which has been needed because his doctors seem to be the lead character in Memento and continually ask questions they've asked 30 times already or forget he can't talk and act puzzled when he doesn't launch into a monologue on command.

managed to work out of his hospital room while my friend had a meltdown and called me in mid-panic attack at the same time.

that sounds extremely stressful Neanderthal but getting out of hospital sounds like a real positive step, happy for you!

major positive step. one step closer to getting him back home! and getting strength back.

glad to hear he's out of hospital, Neanderthal.