Blue Saturday

I mostly want to just drink and drink until everything goes away but my body is a lightweight

Why are there people like Frank in the world?

Why are there people who deliberately watch comedy panel shows?

I mean, there was a good reason, but he died yesterday.

Wish I had the guts to kill myself

Don't worry failure fans, I don't

gonna give my mom your phone number

got a broken ego, broken heart
god i don't even know where to

HERE COME JIMMY ZEN AGAIN

Without ever quite reaching the "guts to do it" stage the insistent logic of ceasing to exist is pounding louder in my head every day

Cant argue to logic or anything

Toast is still good, readily available and hard to fuck up. Its a start

If I keep making my own problems I can certainly make some toast

I eat a lot of toast tbf

Crunch time

in no way is this a humblebrag, two clients at work yesterday told me how nice i was and i filled up with such thick despair and self-loathing i'm still trying to squish it now

and just to prove they were wrong and i'm right i drink myself into incapacity lol 1-0

Do not think that one has to be sad in order to be militant, even though the thing one is fighting is abominable.

"Dancing in the Dark" just came on the pub playlist :D

I worked out my lack of Yen is killing me

not even sure if this is anything but better on the page than in my head

i dremt i was once more sharing a flat with my sister, as we did 30 years ago: a big airy single open-plan room full of dexxion shelving covered in our books and projects. no sign of her family -- i guess we were young again maybe and they hadn't come along yet. she was the unhappy one back then (work, romantic life) and i was i guess embedded in the bit of my career that now looks like a surprise success -- but none of that was part of the dream.

i was doing the washing up -- sink as part of a kitchen island in the middle of the room lol -- and wearing headphones but with nothing playing on them, and just sobbing. she had noticed and was coming to ask why as i was thinking "i *want* ppl to notice, it's time it came out, it's time i dealt with it"

what though? why was i unhappy? am i unhappy, like, for reals, without really knowing it? i mean, i think i might be

i'm not struggling personally: i have interesting work (less than i could do with but not none) and a flat i love and a project-in-plan for proto-retirement that's started well. i am fine with the way i live socially -- pandemic has knocked that about it a bit and probably nudged me towards being more of an unscoail weirdo than is good for me but i still have busy spaces to be part of and chums who visit and a fore-real lovely stretch of close family (reading round the boards i am aware i am just absurdly lucky with family, they are nice funny creative people). so far my life has been ok! a few small disappointments but also some achievements!

pandemic is the excuse but i am in retreat -- intellectually if you like -- from the state of the world: which seems to me dismally cruel and irreparable, without possuble upswng in view, the worst outlook i ever remember. when i was young (the 70s and 80s) we were in the shadow of crashing into ghastly lethal destruction, a world war that could end everything in seconds. and somehow the terrible ppl running everything -- for all their extremely bad decisions and actions elsewhere, their crimes -- managed to blunder away from that edge after all and defuse the dangers and etc.

so i went into the 90s and 00 (my thirties and even forties) i guess appreciating that a space could be and had been won, and that "better" was somehow also built into the systems of the world even when no one quite knew how, and i pootled away at my own projects and increasingly also looked after my mum and dad in their last years, and mostly just went along the weay things were going. the wrong ppl were still in charge making evil decisions, but there was somehow a resilience after all.

i think that resilience is all gone. i think we are rolling back to a catastrophic lip and i feel like all my moves and perspectives were shaped in times that just aren't relevant any more. it's not that others aren't manouevring to do something -- far from it -- more like my entire machinery of cultural intuition is now ill-fashioned to read the good from the bad any more.

tl;dr: this is just what getting old is probably. anyway, my everyday gameface will now go back on and i'll do a day's editing i'm pleased with and organise stuff for my retirement project and chat to my nice buddies. in my dream i was crying maybe for a sense of uselessness and all that time wasted looking in the wrong direction -- i mean, this is just my guess. once in the mid-90s i dreamed the govt rang me up to "solve northern ireland" so it's not like my dreams can't be very dumb and attached to literally nothing of substance.

"pandemic is the excuse but i am in retreat -- intellectually if you like -- from the state of the world: which seems to me dismally cruel and irreparable, without possuble upswng in view"

I like that your spelling went to bits on this section of your post :) like you don't want to believe it.

"and a project-in-plan for proto-retirement that's started well."

This is really good to hear!

anyway, my everyday gameface will now go back on

So much of late mid-life is having the courage and energy to continue to play your role interestingly, even as you become more disillusioned by society and keenly aware of the frailties and limitations of your own "moves and perspectives".

(You and your = me and my, obv.)

the sadness is coming from outside the collective unhouseness

god the sheer tedious effort of marching in a straight line and how quick the rumble strips will squish you

So if the social worker sets up the annual meeting and never turns up, that's a dick move, right? Never responds to any text enquiry "eh, are you remembering this?", fuckit, let's go drink, oh 4 days later apparently there was a Dead Aunt reason for that, no bother I guess you were too greiving to respond to basic fucken queries. BUT, if you reschedule some weeks later and totally ghost AGAIN then that's fucking taking the piss, yeah we waited around for an hour and an a half before calling it before I took my weekly opportunity to go buy vodka, this time my PA didn't bother to chase her up, instead we told my mother about it who is prolly still ranting at her right now, I donno, maybe she's got more dead aunts than Stephen Ireland has grannies, I don't care, I'm done with this shit and am walking away, all I know is if they send that same lady out again I'm definitely gunna be drunk in advance. Cus I genuinely can't cope with this stuff, "dealing with people" and all that. Her job is talking to ASD folk, shouldn't she have a little consideration? Also her name sounds really threatening, K4t13 Kl1nk? Sounds like the warden from some 50s prison shit. I met her once, kinda, and she seemed nice but I never looked her in the face. Then as she was leaving she asked me if she should take off her mask so I could see her face. I told her nah then she asked me if one of my pictures was a woodcarving, cus she does those? Which made me think maybe she was actually cool but now NO, fuck her to hell. I miss the previous one, who retired to go travel in a caravan, which I'm struggling in her absence but I have nothing but respect for her withdrawal from all this shit

Sorry, I didn't know which thread to vent shit onto

this one welcomes venters of all nations

i'm coming up
i think we're gonna get this party started

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nD4ib9-laGY

Sometimes it's nice to be in the pub with all your friends and the Saturday sport is on and you are warm and loved but then later on it's not your friend it's some randoms in the late night pub that you might be annoying or that might be trying to rob you or kill you and you don't really remember that bit or much of where you've been for several hours and then you wake up and it's 3 o'clock on sunday afternoon and there's ill)advised expenditure and work tomorrow and the bleak midwinter and why and that's enough and never again but it will happen again because otherwise it's just alone

Love you NV. It’s not much but we do.

:) thank you

of course like everybody else i could simply choose to change my self-destructive behaviour

I have done well with that myself this year BUT have backslid so many times the past few months. I think I’m on the other side of it, but shit’s hard. All you can really do is pick yourself up, take small steps and just keep going. Understand that’s incredibly tedious and it doesn’t feel worth it in short term. Our brains have these short cuts for a reason.

The weather's fine
And I feel so, so, so

Selfishness of wanting to fall off the map, wanting to disappear - it hurts the people you really care about, and they won't want to let you, and you'll abuse their love by allowing them to protect you from the real consequences of your own desire to cease. And you'll chicken out yourself, frightened of how bad life can get before you escape it, so you let them help you, you leech people, for your own selfish refusal. Which is never a true refusal. And to die is another face of the same egoism. Nothing you can do for yourself isn't wholly selfish.

much as i wish you strength to surmount these feelings, i also think you should harness them and start a one-man metal project

i know i was a bit harsh to you the other week btw; i'm sorry if it caused any hurt, thoroughly retracted obv

To be honest imago I've been peeved with you for a bit and I'm sure nothing I say on ilx when I'm in that mood doesn't deserve censure. I hate holding grudges, it's bullshit

The rest is just...ugh...self-reflection without change is a pointless drag on other people. Even acknowledging my own selfishness is another kind of selfishness

And plenty still love ya anyway man

i know why the pished bird sings

literally pouring in booze to fill up the aching hole and shut out the fear

I made the mistake of doing an honest estimate of how many units I'm currently shifting during an appointment and they did a wellness service referral on me. When the concerned wellness support worker contacted me I told them it was all a misunderstanding cos I was counting the units wrong and it's much lower, honestly!

was suggested to me yesterday it was time for a referral. uh, refer me somewhere that takes away these feelings as quick as booze does and we'll talk

it's such fucking violence that other drugs aren't legal isn't it

Yup

The sunshine is beautiful this morning, I should wander around in that first. But I think this is full flight or fight mode since I woke up, and I'm not a fighter

Fly away on Venga Airways comes the pertinent suggestion from the pub's background music

The vampire-junky must be insatiable and must pursue their desires up to the point of self-destruction, but must never cross the line into annihilation.

Oh mother my mouth is full of stars
As cartridges in the tray
My blood is a twin-branched scarlet tree
And it runs all runs away.

Oh ‘Cooks to the galley’ is sounded off
And the lads are down in the mess
But I lie down by the forrard gun
With a bullet in my breast.

Don’t send me a parcel at Christmas time
Of socks and nutty and wine
And don’t depend on a long weekend
By the Great Western Railway line.

Farewell, Aggie Weston, the Barracks at Guz,
Hang my tiddley suit on the door.
I’m sewn up neat in a canvas sheet
And I shan’t be home no more.

or i'm still alive and there's nothing i want to do

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7GWyasxb5E

can't get my brain to work and feel so itchy on the inside, like I can't stand to exist in this body or with this stupid slopping unset jelly of a mind any more

(got no better ideas though. if only hating where and what you were could provide enough impetus to become something/somewhere else. my old therapist would say "if you can't make yourself work to fix it yet you must just not want to enough yet and there's no point talking about it". if I don't get on and make some kind of progress to write in my diary for this week my current one might say that too. thanks, man, but I feel so stuck and I don't know why I'm so obstinately workshy wrt this and everything else, I'm sorry)

hello hello hello blue whateverdayers

<3

it's easy for those people to just talk about fixing stuff

Nothing useful to say but love you spacecadet and hate that feeling of discomfort- hope it either reveals itself or resolves itself :(