Trans/Genderqueer/Agender/Questioning Thread

it's one thing to know it in yourself, it's another thing to put it out into the world and make it real, and taking that step is a huge and wonderful deal. <3 you Brad

Happy for you, Brad! Hope the sadness goes away

Brad, you rule. Cheers to you.

Congrats Brad

sweet Brad this is a glorious update. thanks for sharing here <3

infinite heart emojis

all the best to you Brad ♥️

go get it Brad! pronoun preference changed?

<3 Brad, I'll toast you when those CabVolt DVDs arrive

Brad, you are one of my favorite ilx posters. Best to you on this journey and hope you are feeling less sad soon.

Cheers, Brad!

Last night my eldest child (14, AFAB, nonbinary, pan-identifying) told me I have "bi wife energy."

Um... thanks?

OH and best wishes to Brad!

Last night my eldest child (14, AFAB, nonbinary, pan-identifying) told me I have "bi wife energy."

this kid rocks

Brad <3

Much love and luck to you, Brad!

It’s a very scary but extremely worthwhile experience, ime, welcome to it B! I started transitioning about 4 and a half years ago, feel free to ilxmail me if you want to talk to someone who’s been there.

much love to you Brad! I'm glad you're a part of this board!

❤️ and good vibes to you, Brad.

This thread is the just amazing. All the very best to you Brad.

<3 BRAD!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUb7QY1T4Wk

brad, wishing the best for you and lots of support.

<3 Brad, bon courage!

in orbit: thank you for that useful post

<3 Brad <3

nothing but good wishes for you here

Congrats, Brad! Excited for u.

That video is so cute and now stuck in my head.

Yay Brad xx :)

Petition to remove You Know Who from his last remaining platform..

https://www.change.org/p/substack-inc-substack-take-corporate-sociable-responsibility-remove-graham-linehan-from-the-platform

he's still got his youtube chit-chats with gay bigot and question lady, but is so bad at the form that he's probably not that much of a menace there

I can think of one kind of platform I’d like to see him on

brad <3

Well, that trans FB group I'm helping admin is opening up at 12 noon EST today. Come by if you can, I'd love to see some fellow ILXors there.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/mytranshomies/?ref=share&exp=c41f

The group founder has just changed the group URL.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/mytransfriends/?ref=share&exp=c41f

hello all. I should know better than to go to the internet for advice but thought I'd start here since we're mostly anonymous. yesterday our almost 16 year old announced to my wife and I that they were trans. This came utterly out of the blue; thee is nothing feminine about this child, and they have never shown any real interest in this topic to us. I'm trying to be sensitive and remember pronouns here but forgive me if I slip up. Our kid HAS been depressed, rather significantly this year, but so have we and the pandemic has put a pall on everything (also I just got fired from my job and generally everything feels like shit). Our kid said it 'doesn't really change anything' and to the extend they were willing to discuss it, they wanted to be called she/they, and (this is the hardest part for my wife and I) be called Ivy.

Not sure what the path forward here is but my wife is having a very hard time; I probably am too but I'm so emotionally numb with so much other shit going on (looking for work, my mother is dying of cancer) that it really hasn't sunk in. I just want our kid to be happy. I think we need to find a family therapist. One thing to note also is that our kid has shown sudden interests in lots of things and then dropped it a few months later. We live in Berkeley so obviously trans support is high but trans talk is also everywhere, so I'm wondering if depression has played a part in this and our kid is just looking for a better identity. Any helpful discussion welcome. I've always been a strong ally for trans people, have trans friends, know people with trans kids (but those kids were trans from like, age 2)...but this is somehow more difficult to deal with because it makes us second guess every assumption we had.

akm, we are going through a similar situation here and I will say that I got some pretty good advice here when we were starting to process it.

I think it is possible to be both supportive (in a non-dismissive way) while also accepting that the situation may be fluid.

No one will ever be able to know whether pandemic stuff - and the general suckitude of pretty much everything - is obscuring the picture. But ultimately it doesn't matter, because when it comes too kids? My mantra is: "It's the love, stupid."

May pm you on the more sensitive details, but do wish to broadcast good wishes for your family.

thanks YMP, I'd welcome a dm.

One thing I always think when people think a kid might be "going through a phase that they'll grow out of" is does that matter?

You can choose to show your child that you'll love and support them while they explore their identity, or you can choose to show your child that you will judge them and claim authority over them. That's the case whether this is a permanent change or not.

Also, not every trans journey is as straightforward as "I always knew". Sometimes you just know something is wrong, but not what that something is. If there's nothing outwardly feminine about your child, they may have been compensating for feeling feminine internally by acting/dressing masculine - but not every trans woman is super feminine, and not every trans man is super masculine! Basically, don't take lack of previous indicators as a sign to think this is a passing whim. Trust your kid, and if they change their mind then still trust them.

I genuinely wish you the best of luck - therapy is definitely worth doing, but try not to frame seeking therapy as a way to solve a problem that your child has caused.

(The above post is not meant to sound accusatory, btw, and I hope it doesn't come across that way)

whatever you do, please do not frame this as "maybe this is a manifestation of depression," especially in front of them. The last thing you want in this situation is for them to feel you do not take them seriously or do not respect them, and that will shut down any dialogue they want to have with you further.

teenage masculinity can be so stifling and overbearing for anyone who doesn't fit in the characteristics expected of them from pressures in everyday life. I hated the idea that I had to be into football and girls, and avoid stuff that wasn't masculine. Gender is a spectrum, not a binary, and it can be hard to place yourself upon it, so my advice would be to let them figure it out in an open, no-pressure way.

What is it that worries you about this, is the question to ask yourself. Are you worried their life will be more difficult? You can make it easier for them by being compassionate and supportive. Are you worried about grieving for the person they've always been? They were always going to grow up, change, and become their own person anyway - this is a heightened version of that, maybe trickier to navigate but it doesn't revoke the love you feel for them. Are you worried how your broader friends and family will react? Leave it to them - other people's emotions are not yours to manage.

There are far worse things that could happen to your family than your kid being truthful about wanting to live the most authentic version of their life.

These are wonderful comments, thank you all

I consider myself a homosexual cis man. But it wasn't always so clear-cut for me. In my teens I struggled because I didn't fit in with the way I was expected to perform gender. My voice is high and I talk with my hands - I'm really camp, naturally. Twenty years ago there wasn't the trans visibility there is today and I think had there been, I might have gone through "a phrase." To be honest I doubt I would have ever gotten beyond "hmm, maybe he/his pronounds aren't quite right for me" but it would have reflected how I felt about my identity then, and who can say they are the same person they were twenty years ago, really?

Yeah what emil.y said

also I have every faith that you will be OK because, already, you've got a kid who feels they can come to you and be direct about what's going on in their head with this. Obviously being gay is not the same as being trans. But I was outed to my parents, and my worst fears about it were confirmed when I had to go stay with a friend for two nights because I wasn't welcome at home.

As boxedjoy notes, folks in previous generations may have felt a lot of the same things but didn't quite have the language or the social space in which to express them, so some of what we are seeing in current teenagers may be what should have been happening all along.

FWIW I know I am in a socially liberal bubble, and I recognize that my kid has definitely self-selected a queer friend group. But it should be noted that we know remarkably few cis het teenagers. It's utterly normal in their social circle to put people's pronouns in your phone contacts to help keep track, because you will see a very wide range of presentations and identities. They can and do update and evolve with some frequency.

Not claiming any special insight or authority here, just: This seems to me that this is the world that my child and their peers are building. Or trying to build. It will look different from what I grew up with.

Which is as it should be.

Honestly, my parents thought I couldn't possibly know that I was gay when I came out to them at 14, and essentially pushed me back into the closet until I was 16 and tried again. They then pushed me back into the closet again after a disastrous family therapy session wherein my mother wept and accused me of ruining her life because of my decision, and the therapist did nothing to defend me or tell her she was out of line.

I finally came out at 22, for good, and tho it was rocky for a year or so, my parents are incredible and supportive and love my husband like a member of the family now.

But the emotional scars of my teenage experience have lasted, and continue to influence my life in ways that I sometimes don't even recognize.

As others have mentioned, obviously being a queer cis male is not the same as being trans, but I just want to agree with what YMP and emil.y and others have said about supporting and loving yr kid as they explore and figure out their gender and sexual identity. It pains me to think of other young people going through the pain and fear that I had to go through.

That "you couldn't possibly know" line always makes me mad.

Like, I sure as hell knew I was straight at that age. So did my parents, so did theirs.

Also "shoving it in our faces." Like, how much is hetero stuff shoved in people's faces basically from birth, imagining how someone's wedding will be or saying that if two opposite-sex kids are playing someone's going to say something about them being married someday, etc.

Don't get me started on that type of thing—in 2010, years after I came out for the final time, my mother told me she thought I was "trying too hard to be gay." I just said, "I am gay, I'm not trying anything, you need therapy," then didn't speak to her for about 8 months.

not from my own experience but seeing the experience of friends, as parents the danger here is your own unresolved fears and/or disappointment manifesting as absence of love & support for your child.

like: a parent can see a name change as a personal attack, like “i gave this to you & you don’t want it!?” and if it’s internalized those feelings may express as betrayal.

personally i think family therapy could be dangerous, your child took a huge step in saying all this out loud to you. seek therapy privately if thats what you need. don’t not talk to them, obv let your child know you love & support them … but be honest that you need time to absorb the change. don’t make them go through all of your adult feelings just yet, it can be way too much for them to take on board at once & they may interpret it bluntly as lack of support.

i think we tend to want to talk feelings out with loved ones before we fully know what they are, and without understanding that unburdening can result in a new burden for the other person.

get right independently first, together with your spouse, or with a therapist. and have the tools at your disposal to be able to talk to your child at the level *they* are at.

a parent can see a name change as a personal attack, like “i gave this to you & you don’t want it!?”

My wife most def went through a phase of this