Homemade Jokes

Whoa!

It's like opening a Christmas cracker only to be socked with a cryptic crossword clue.

Aine Baich & the Beattitz

Enya Marx & the Get Set

Have you seen all these kids going around looking like ex-grebo film composers and racing drivers from the 90s? Mansell culture has gone too far if you ask me.

q: what's the weed situation like at the satanic snake-handler church?

a: you can find a pentagram, but it'll pentacost ya.

thumbs up

There's like a total anarchist running around the home improvement store trying to destroy capitalism.
So he gets to the paint dept and decides that the best way to make an immediate change is to throw paint at the wall. He picks up the first tin and its like a scarlet, not quite what he's looking for, leaves a massive splash, its like painting the town red. But doesn't quite have the effect he's looking for.
So he moves around the section a bit then picks up the next one, it's a mauve, he feels a bit better but it just doesn't scratch that aesthetic itch.
While he's running from the security guard he checks his paint card.
Then he looks at the section that would really match his colour palette . But when he goes to the right area he finds there's no tins there.
That's right there's NO FUSCHIA

oh, maybe he was a nihilist

nice.

I once went to a party when everyone had to dress like characters from Norse mythology.

It was a Loki event.

how does a Centrist like their toast?

BUTTERED ON BOTH SIDES

grilled

I once went to a party when everyone had to dress like characters from Norse mythology.

It was a Loki event.

― Grandpont Genie, Thursday, June 10, 2021 1:45 PM (three hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

How many people were thor?

Which classical Stoic philosopher had the largest breasts?

Epictitties

Imagine if Jesus decided that he was going to start his own religion. He goes to his disciples. Jesus says, "hey guys I got a great idea. Instead of claiming I'm King Of The Jews, let's just set out on our own and start our own religion." Disciples say, "sounds good to us." Jesus says, "I've been thinking about a good name for this new religion." Disciples say, "yeah? lay it on us."

Jesus says, "we shall call it... JESUSISM." Disciples offer polite applause but look at each other with concern. "That name is kinda shit," and then, "don't worry, we'll change it once he's dead"

What did the horse say upon entering the library and finding both food and a paper about a famous gothic novelist? Re: Joyce, Carrel Oats!

(Air Jordans somehow came up)

Me: Elvis Presley had them already! (silence) Jordan Airs?

(they didn't get it)

Wanna know why Elvis' letter was marked "Return to Sender"?

He didn't have the Stamps yet!

!!

why do you see so many stickers for feeding tube records?

because every time you release a record on feeding tube they give you a sticker as a reward

Elvis joke is A+. Kudos, pp.

So, a lot of people don't know this, but John Cage wrote 4'33" for his wife. He said he would have really liked her to perform it, but she never did.

*taps mic*

So, folks, how about these supply chain problems?

It's getting so bad, that I heard A$AP Rocky is changing his name to $hipping Delay Rocky

What's Cathy Guisewite's favorite Public Enemy album?

It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us BAAACK

I clicked that fully expecting to see “Fear of an AACK Planet”

Oh shit! I didn't even think about that.

Her favorite Outkast record is Aackquemini.

We tried a new vegan recipe last night, but the soy-based protein we used must have been off, because the dish tasted awful... you could say it was bad tempeh-ed.

What kind of necklace did the goth goose wear?

Ankh ('onk!)

Q: What’s Cathy’s favorite AC/DC album?

A: Highway to Hell. She’s a Bon Scott purist.

But for her favorite song, she's torn between Let There Be Shops and Big Malls.

Lol

Let Me Put My Love Into Irving

What do you call a jazz musician with an aire of moral superiority?

Sanctimonious Monk

young woman drove to a restaurant that she had read about online. There were no reviews yet on Yelp, but the title was intriguing, as it suggested fresh local food and produce as opposed to processed foods.

She sat down at a table, and a waiter immediately came over. She indicated she would like a water and asked for a menu. The waiter nodded, then walked away. All of a sudden, she smelled a rancid smell that made her want to gag.

After taking a walk outside to breathe fresh air, she returned to her table to see the waiter bringing her a glass of water and putting down a menu. No sooner did she sit down, but the stank aroma was back. But it was not lingering scent from before, it was a new scent. The woman again had to go outside to get some fresh air, and was starting to get frustrated. She had a mind to tell them she was a prime Yelp reviewer when she returned inside.

When she came back inside, she started drinking her water, and began looking at the menu, and was surprised to see it full of mundane American bar food like sliders and chicken nuggets. When the waiter got back, the woman began to ask questions about the menu, and was shocked when she heard that all of the items were frozen, not locally sourced at all. Most of it was microwaved.
And then the smell hit again, and this time she actually started weeping tears it was so stinky. She got angry and demanded to see a manager.

When he arrived, she began to vent: "I've been here twenty minutes only to be treated to the rankest of smells, and also, I can't believe that unlike your advertising, none of this food is locally sourced from local farmers, and in fact, is all frozen! Who do you think you are?"

The manager looked confused - "I'm sorry, but we never claimed to be any of those things."

The lady's nostrils flared, and she said "BUT IT SAYS SO ON YOUR MENU".

The manager realized what was going on and said "Ugh, I was afraid of this. Ma'am, please take a look at the menu once again."

The lady looked down and was horrified to see that the menu actually said "Fart to Table".

i'll see myself out

A man named Marty wanted to buy weed, but his usual connect had fallen through. A friend of a friend told him of a new hookup, who had a wide variety of weed for sale, some mediocre, some really high quality kush that was usually hard to acquire.

So Marty called the new hookup. The weed seller was very specific.

"You will meet me in the White Castle parking lot. You will honk twice. You will show me your ID, so I know who you are. You will lift your shirt, so I will know you aren't wearing a wire. And you will pay...in cash. The transaction will conclude in five minutes."

Marty found this weird, but he did as he said. He showed up at the White Castle, and honked twice. A slender young man walked out and got into his car, and told him to pull around the back.

"ID", he demanded. Marty produced his driver's license, which said "Marty Owens" at the top.

"Show me your tits", he demanded. Marty lifted his shirt, showed him he wasn't wearing a wire.

"Alright, you're good. It's $10 a gram.", and offered Marty a pre-lit joint if he wanted to try it.

Marty tried it, but was disappointed. "This stuff is pretty mediocre. I was told you had higher quality, premium weed too!"

The weed salesman replied "Sorry, Marty O, but our preem sess is in another Castle".

(requires a "Luke, I am your father" misremembering of the actual Mario quote to work, but w/e)

Didn't you just see yourself out two days ago?

i never got around to it. I will now exit twice!

Oh c'mon that's a good joke

You Only Leave Twice

For your FPs Only

Said to my dog while walking in the rain:

"It's that time in your life when you're going through muddypaws."

woof

A few years ago I started a bedmaking business. Unfortunately, it folded in the downturn.

Reminds me of the time I almost invested in a local fast-casual sushi chain. I pulled out when it turned out to be a ponzu scheme.

Why isn't Tampa International Airport called Tampa-X ? Think of the sponsorship opportunity!

Reminds me of the time I almost invested in a local fast-casual sushi chain. I pulled out when it turned out to be a ponzu scheme.

― budo jeru, Friday, April 8, 2022 5:07 PM (two days ago) bookmarkflaglink

I was briefly partners in a Japanese-Italian fusion restaurant with one of the guys from Los Lobos. Made a great no-soy marinara.

^ lol

I started a condom business but I pulled out

My novella publishing imprint filed chapter 11