making our way back: reclaiming queer space in the SPRING of 2021//LGBTQIA+ Vaccine ed.

Djs unite! I’m doing this guest mix for the local crew and they want to ask me if I consider myself a queer dj and what i think about lgbtqia+ culture in dance music and I have no idea how to respond lol. Like idk i like loleatta holloway?? Haha. Thinking of just saying i myself am pretty basic but everyone should read terre thaemlitz on the subject, or something.

Grrrrrrl you name droppin' folks i haven't even heard of! Queerer than It

Queerer than I*

I don't think It was queer 🙂

haha i forget how it comes off to do that. my answers to this q$a are long and rambling and i've got to trim them down. don't want to be "too much."

terre thaemlitz is interesting on identity and capitalism in djing but she's a little doom and gloom imo.

i'm getting older and i'm cis and masc presenting so i can't really claim to represent a larger queer culture which is sort of sus anyway. i'm really inspired by the freedom younger people are claiming in presenting flexible gender identities. for me, it's as simple as i like gender trouble in songs and avoiding toxic masc in my sets.

what i think about lgbtqia+ culture in dance music

I have a lot of thoughts on this! Twenty years ago I was made fun of at school for being into house and techno and disco, now I go clubbing and see coked-up hetero lads starting fights and being mad aggressive in venues and it doesn't feel like a culture for LGBTQIA+ any more

^^^ exactly why mainstream club culture fucking sucks

yeah totally. why does brutality have to claim every peaceful little niche nowadays. the second i encounter that vibe i'm out tbh. the local crew has had their moments of not-very-welcoming behavior ime so i'm a little wary. it would be really nice to find a situation at a bar where the owners are like-minded about this kind of stuff but that seems very rare, i don't know that i've ever seen it. i feel too old, burnt out and broke to be throwing my own parties tbh.

hey. I have no idea where to post this so, I hope this alright.

So...I have this friend. We've been buddies since middle school, so probably about 20 years at this point. We've drifted apart over the years but we were really close at one point - we were roommates, we had all the same hobbies, we did everything together. Anyway at some point about 7 years ago he calls me up and says he wants to chat. I know exactly what it's about - he's coming out to me. We all kinda knew it about him but he never wanted to say anything. I was really proud of him in that moment, not just for accepting who he was but also because he was using it as a springboard to change his life...he was 26 and always intended to go to school and make a career but things always got in the way. He told me he was applying to schools and was planning to move to a more liberal area like Madison because he wanted to be accepted. He also swore me to secrecy because his parents could not find out - they were deeply religious and he felt they would disown him if he came out.

Unfortunately, we had a very good mutual friend who overdosed a few months later, and it kinda threw things into chaos. We all took it hard but he good it especially hard, probably because he had the same substance abuse issues, and they actually knew each other since 4th grade. He became insular and odd, never really talking about his feelings or really saying much at all. When he did, it was these bizarre manic episodes he'd have, where he'd look you in the eye and claim he was the second coming of Christ...real freaky shit. He was living with another friend of mine and eventually got booted out for being so eccentric and unreliable - basically was told he had to go back to his parents, something wasn't right with him, I don't know what you need but I can't give it to you (is this a Pet Shop Boys tune?). Which he did, and he actually got his life together...somewhat. He got clean and healthy but also became deeply religious, like his parents. His Facebook has been virtually nothing but Bible quotes for the last few years (fwiw, he hasn't gotten into the Christian propaganda social media sphere, and actually has been weirdly ignorant about world events in general).

Anyway, flash forward to yesterday. We're at our monthly poker game (which just started up again thanks to the vaccine) and at some point late at night the conversation gets weird and spiritual. He never talked a whole lot about his religious beliefs at the game but he really started opening up. And at some point the topic of homosexuality came up (I was the only person there who he'd come out to) and he went off, talking about how immoral and sinful it was, and how it was a sign of bad character, and what's to prevent people from identifying as a guy who robs banks, blah blah blah. And at this point the whole table starts arguing with him, like hey I know gay people, who gives a shit, there's nothing wrong with two consenting adults, etc. And I kinda go off on him, telling him to stop equating that with morality, that people are just wired different, and that's why SOME of us had substance abuse issues and others didn't, even though we all did the same shit. It's not that we have better morality or willpower it's that people have certain genes and that's just the way it is (I'm also like 7 beers deep at this point). And he talks about his struggles with homosexuality, that he thought he was gay and realized he was just giving into temptation, and it occurred to me that he probably thought ALL men had those feelings at some point, and that his indulgence (or whatever he's done?) was some grand failing. I basically tell him (in a thousand words) to go be gay, that being at war with yourself is only going to lead to ruin, that he's never going to find peace if he's trying to deny who he is. And now I feel kinda awful, because I feel like I crossed a line, and that maybe he's NOT gay after all, and maybe he thinks we're all judging him for how he feels. But nobody else is going to say anything to him! He's surrounded himself entirely with religious people outside of this one monthly poker game (which is the only remaining semblance of his past life)! He's been a line cook for 15 years and I know damn well he has the potential and the desire to do so much more, and I think now this may be the thing holding him back. He still has this plan to get married to a woman and have kids and there's just no fucking way. In my opinion as a straight guy who should probably keep his mouth shut, if he doesn't confront this he's gonna be miserable his whole life. What do I do in this situation???

I don’t know that there’s much you can do really, unless he wants to keep talking about it, but it sounds like you said the right thing to me. Hope he keeps going to the poker games.

sad as it is, he's going to be miserable regardless of what he does - there's no way he can reconcile his sexuality and his faith, if he comes out he'll have the shame and guilt lingering over him.

also this sounds like an excrutiating situation to be in for you frogbs. I wonder how different it would have been if one of your poker buddies was out-and-proud gay.

Excruciating, boxedjoy. All you can do is ensure he knows you're there for him, and you've done it.

yes Alfred excruciating is the word isn't it

i went to a garden party yesterday at someone's very cute downtown yard attended by many be-shorted and well-manicured men. honestly don't know how anyone finds the time to host such a nice party and make such excellent quacamole, i can't even sweep the floors.

i attended two (!) parties yesterday, back to back. out like a light by 10pm.

i am keen to start having guests over again but our apartment is so filthy right now, and has been for months

I have a crazy four days: back to pre-2020. Happy hour on Thursday; another on Friday with a pal in town for the first time since '19, plus bar hopping and, uh, smoking later; backyard party with that pal and my hometown cronies. Still sticking with outdoor activity but we're all fully jabbed.

we want to have parties too but we live in a fucking trailer park lmao

I went to a club this weekend (I'm fully vaxxed, everyone in my house is too, I don't have any kids in my bubble, the CDC said I could, etc) and holy FUCK I missed being in a room full of varied homos putting up with a stale playlist in order to touch each other and vibe. didn't even drink anything, danced for hours and made out with the tallest femme there, felt liberated and fully alive in a way I hadn't in over a year!

(PS hi gays, used to post intermittently like a decade ago under my deadname, now I'm out as trans/gay, and back on ilx as a twitter methadone)

sounds incredible. hi nicole!

Hi Nicole! We had friends over this past weekend. They're a younger dyke couple. It was great, but I also cleaned all day Friday and part of the day on Saturday. Our house was *disgusting*.

I wonder how different it would have been if one of your poker buddies was out-and-proud gay.

lol yeah I remember thinking "if anyone wants to come out this would be a real good time to do it"

ultimately I'm just gonna leave it alone. perhaps he really is happier or more fulfilled this way. I'm worried that he's surrounded himself exclusively with weird religious people and he's just never gonna reckon with this and be unhappy forever. but what can I do?

NYT, hay!

what is that in reference to, Eric?

Also, it isn't public yet, but I just found out that my friend Kevin, aka Phatima Rude, one of San Francisco's most legendary drag performers, my husband's former roommate, and any number of other things, has passed away. Phatima was a very complicated person, as we all are, but was always very kind to me, and very approving of my relationship with Theo, my husband. Theo did many of his tattoos from his bedroom in the anarchist collective where they both lived in the Mission.

We lost a real one. As Kevin used to say, "Blessed be."

Here is a short documentary made about Kevin.
https://vimeo.com/98603600

ugh, table, my condolences

Sorry, I was being passive-aggressive about the NYT op-ed that's been making the rounds today on why the LGBT community needs to support police.

xp also, sorry to hear, tabes

sorry to hear, T ❤️

i no longer read the NYT if i can help it

I just read that Times piece. What utter shit.

Anyway, thanks for your well wishes. It's strange, as I haven't seen Kevin in some years— but for a while, we worked together, and s/he officiated my dear friend's wedding, and so on and on. I don't know what happened, but I hope s/he is at peace.

always enjoy a nice hola papi pep talk

https://holapapi.substack.com/p/i-think-im-ugly

um so idk if this is the right place but the whole kink at pride thing is flaring up again on social media and while i don't go to pride or want to do kinky stuff in public it's still a little disturbing seeing what feels like textbook homophobic rhetoric coming from so many (apparently) young gays online- claiming leather daddies are predatory threats to The Children and such. idk how common this sentiment is, it feels like the kind of wedge issue certain groups like to use against queerness in general but i'm sure some of it is genuine. i don't really understand who these people are, where they're getting this stuff, whether they have a point, i know this is an ongoing debate but it seems way more intense than usual for whatever reason

i don't know too much about it, everyone is publicly taciturn where i am and always has been, it's just ingrained here, the level of repression is to-the-eyeballs. i did see the guy who runs the local lgtbq rag say something like "i wonder if everyone screaming about too much corporate sponsorship at pride would actually do a parade themselves" or something though. and like, no, fuck parades haha. if i had a penny for all the brutal retrograde often self-directed and self-policing opinions i've encountered among the gays i'd have a couple of bucks tbh. something weird about this year, it was supposed to be a let loose summer but it feels like it already wants to sour. i guess what people really missed during the pandemic is punishing people with less power than them or something sheesh.

one thing that i will always hold on to if i can is the sort of free field of pleasure that opened up for me when i discovered my sexuality in my teens. it's so important to me, some times it's one of the only things that holds me up, you know? it feels harder and more complicated to access as i grow older, but when it's there, holy shit do i make a meal out of it haha. and fuck anyone who tells me i shouldn't.

Left, there's a whole generation of young people who know a lot about gender but nothing about kink or fetish culture, and they think that because they're more enlightened in the former arena that they have any insight into the latter. They don't, and that's fine-- I just don't think they should be making rules.

that makes sense. not saying anyone needs to like kink or that it defines queerness or that it's always unproblematic or anything. but it would be nice if these people would at least learn something about the history of the movement(s). and it's v sad seeing them (whether they realise it or not) sharing targets and talking points with the far right and the anti-trans crowd. even though i'm not explicitly the target in this case it's like part of a general wave of repression that seems to be coming from all directions right now, i hate it, i internalise it anyway

My thing is that I have always thought of Pride as being a celebration of sexuality and, as such, there will likely be things seen there that you may not be ready to talk to your kids about

My other thing is that I get irrationally angry at people who whip other people for pleasure in public because the main way that has impacted my ancestors has not been associated with sexy fun times and it’s gross to me that people are bored/privileged enough to want that done to them

I solve this dichotomy by not going to Pride

This is the most ghoulish conversation!

kink is weird, i probably don't get 90% of it. i've realized i'm pretty vanilla for the most part. someone loving my emotional side is my kink haha. i do get off on some power dynamic stuff but i switch that off pretty fast when sex is over. my fetish these days is the smell of cottonwood trees fruiting idk.

My fetish these days is smelling fruits.

i am troubled by some things about kink/fetish culture as i understand it but i do kind of want to be hurt in ways that i worry perpetuate the kinds of power dynamics i know should be dismantled and i'm unconvinced by the arguments that it's some kind radically free space where this stuff doesn't apply or is necessarily deconstructed or just make believe... at the same time "normal" sex whatever that means also perpetuates a lot of shit so idk where i'm going with this. i started off souding pro-kink and now i sound anti which i'm not really and i'm also worried about playing into the lines i was bothered by to start with from the anti-kink-at-pride crowd which seem to be in line with a broader repressive agenda (like how many of these people also support police action against sex workers i wonder). not that i care about pride myself but some people i care about do. i have confused myself now more than usual and this post doesn't make much sense probably i'm very drunk

Lol ♥️💙💜💗🖤

Well, I can get into some kink. It's embarrassing, it's like I become a totally different person. Of course afterward I'm ready to cuddle with my teddy bear and watch murder she wrote. I'm in the middle of a 20 year long identity crisis.

Speaking of being gay and abusing substances, I had a strange experience with coke recently. I hadn't done it in a really long time, and then I got some for a party and it was in my house for a while after. Well I quickly found out that working from home with coke in the house is quite eventful. I guess it got out of hand because for a couple of days I just wasn't really eating, and then one night I started drinking and getting drunk by myself and taking selfies. which was all fine until I woke up on my back in the street in front of my house shaking violently not knowing how I got there. I skinned myself all over and was bleeding but I recognized that I was at least in front of my building so tried to go in, as one does. Well then I found myself on my back again in the vestibule, shaking violently and clutching my phone which I had cracked on the sidewalk. Super trippy! Finally, my diner order got there because that was the one smart thing I did b4 I blacked out, except they forgot my donuts. So I guess I learned my lesson. Coke = no donuts. Anyway, dumb is as dumb does. Hoping i at least get some gnarly scars out of it.

No judgment, but I will say that coke is a nasty drug that turns people into nasty people, ime as both a former regular user and now observer...

There are problematic aspects of BDSM culture, absolutely. I just don't think that arguing with some 20-year-old enby whose never been in a leather bar is worth it, because they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Everyone's opinion is valid, but not everyone's opinion is worthwhile.

I will also say that it is rich that these sorts of arguments are taking place around an event that has been so thoroughly corporatized that it is essentially toothless. Afaic, if you can't take some dudes dancing around to bad house music wearing leather and flashing whips during a parade, then I don't give a fuck who you are, you need to grow up. (I think DJP's comments and those of people like Bersani against aspects of leather and BDSM culture are the most salient, whereas the often younger queer's argument follows the logic of safe spaces which has been shown to be so easily recuperable as to be dangerous to subversive behavior and thinking)

yeah i don't know why this has troubled me so much, it's not really my thing and pride at least here is now thoroughly commodified, a celebration of capitalism imperialism etc none of which is threatened by BDSM or anti-BDSM sentiment i guess i feel an irrational affinity for both parties here in an broad sense in as much they can be called parties. way beyond the pride context or BDSM context. and maybe i am more like 20 year old enby more than i am 50 year old leather daddy which gives me some cognitive dissonance here, like maybe enby has legitimate reasons to be wary. including of the notion of invoking 20 year old enby as hypothetical kid who doesn't know shit. even (especially?) if they don't in this or any case. because niether do i

drugswise i have no right to advise shit but would gently suggest to go easy on the coke it sounds a bit scary. however i am coming up on edibles and mushrooms and i do appreciate the ♥️💙💜💗🖤 they are very nice thank you. in fact i can repeat them ♥️💙💜💗🖤♥️💙💜💗🖤♥️💙💜💗🖤♥️💙💜💗🖤♥️💙💜💗🖤 and it just goes on like that forever

do i need a therapist to tell me why i never come on the queer thread sober

surm i'm just glad you're ok tbh.

i have the impression that bdsm / kink people are generally more experienced / better versed in establishing consensuality than most but i'm sure it varies enough irl to not actually hold true.

i feel like part of the discomfort with kink is that a lot of it (though not all of it) is essentially patriarchy or colonialism fetishized (dom/sub stuff, daddy/son, master/slave). the reality is that stuff has a huge affect on desire imo. when people discover that i think they're like wtf which is understandable. but i think a more powerful take is that like there isn't any pure, scrubbed-clean desire, like it doesn't exist. so exploring and playing with it, giving it articulation and space can be really liberating and healing imo.

like, do i want to exploit and make people miserable irl without their permission? hell no. do i want to enact the thrill of being someone's god in a context of mutually expressed pleasure? hell yeah. doing the latter can help eliminate the draw of the former imo. just my two cents.

i definitely think kink has pitfalls / drawbacks which is why i don't really latch on to one "scene" or another. there is too much object attachment and literalism going on for me in a lot of cases.