Blue Saturday

Solidarity! Mine is more 'stuff I did in my 30s' rather than anything I do now but yeah it's very much part of any social occasion, pissed-up or otherwise. And I totally get that 'god, did I talk to them for 2 hours about...?!' cringe thing. Awkward bastard.

I know those heebie-jeebies, crawling-in-my-skin fear, and as I've aged I've learned they can be managed somewhat: less or no whisky/rum/gin/etc., stick to milder (sub 7%) beers. Even if I drink eleven of them, I can still remember most everything and don't feel as godawful

there is no dignified death

Hope you’re ok…

I’m kind of hoping for it to be reasonably peaceful and pain free, with someone quietly chanting:

[

] O nobly-born, that which is called death hath now come. Thou art departing from this world, but thou art not the only one; death cometh to all. Do not cling, in fondness and weakness, to this life. Even though thou clingest out of weakness, thou hast not the power to remain here. Thou wilt gain nothing more than wandering in this Samsara. [

❤️

coke and booze and tiredness

I'm ok

Still time for wandering in samsara

Take me - my little pastry mother take me
There's a pie shop in the sky

(Phil Collins plays double-time on overdubbed 2nd drum kit)

:D <3

and why not

gloomy day getting nothing done -- one paragraph tinkered with, knowing there's something off abt the whole long piece -- but mostly stuck feeling the best is past and the good ones are gone

― mark s, Saturday, 15 September 2018 18:42 (two years ago) bookmarkflaglink

back here again tbh: i've done better than just one paragraph 2day but the news abt dawn foster has honestly floored me -- i never met her myself but i know several ppl who knew her well and are devastated :(

I think a lot of people who never met Dawn will have shed some tears over her death, it was terrible - even if a lot of us fans knew she had serious health problems - it didn't diminish the shock of it.

cosines

is it better to have no chance of interpersonal relationships or to actively destroy the chances

https://i.imgur.com/6Mli5lJ.jpg

Tried hard to stay healthy all week, for work, for survival, for what? And now it's Saturday morning lying here listening to Flip Your Wig, frightened of how these 2 days of freedom will run away from me and having no clue how to use them except to run headfirst into boozblivion

I know that was probably rhetorical, but use that store of health and go for a long walk. At least earn that first beer man!

earn while you walk is my motto and is partly why I've enjoyed so much success in recent years!

My 2020/2021 motto:

Unbearably gruelling non-stop work in intense solitary confinement conditions that stretch the limits of human endurance - and the weekends are even worse!

Catch a pint with you later dudes

Eyyyy
So what did you tossers end up doing today

Stuck to Doom Bar zero - surprisingly good for alcohol-free.

very wan and glum yesterday -- and also (less typically of me) just full of dread abouth ways things are headed. not headed for me personally, i'll be ok -- but def the uk at large and far beyond that

the dread is ignited i think by watching several ppl i know -- former colleagues, minor online names i once lined up in the "more or less a good thing" column -- getting more and more radicalised basically glinnerwards. the individuals aren't especially important, they're not "thought leaders" just ppl i know or am aware of: it was much more my sense that their movement in this direction represents a very very bad wider tipping point, and that the mounting ever uglier attack on existing trans rights is a specific culture-war flashpoint being weaponised to enable a much broader crack-down and shut-out… and that many ppl i vaguely assumed wd be on the side against this shut-out (if not especially active or useful) will be actively pushing for it, and indeed already are

some of this is just twitter-bubble nonsense on my part -- my little on-line world is not the world, who cares what those twerps think -- and some of it is the consequence i suspect of my tendency to be highly conflict-avoidant. i don't like getting in fights, and have no practice at being in fights, so i watch ppl being clear and firm when they say "no" to all this (and battle against it without loosing their cool and keeping to their good talking points despite being goaded to explosion point) and envy them and feel useless. i am bad in fights and it's way too late to change that (even if it offloads all the needful activity onto others)

on the whole in the past i have been a "slow and steady wins the race", "things will turn our way" kind of a person -- and on the whole in my lifetime things have done just this, so maybe i wasn't wrong to be. but i think i have stopped believing in either of these claims, and i don't know what to do with my brain in this new state. my skills are very particular and i'm not unproud of them and still have joy of them, but some days they seem very ungermane indeed…

having written all that out i strongly suspect i am talking my way round something much more obvious and basic (and possibly selfish) but if so i don't know what it is

the gusts of hate emanating from the Rosie Duffield "supporters" on Twitter this week was very depressing yeah, i had a brief glimpse and thought "fuck this" and stepped away from Twitter for a bit

the broader entanglement of a sense of the world/the nation/civilization/idk declining and doomed and our feelings about our own personal inevitable decline and doom, well, sometimes it's hard to deal with either thread unless you're full-blown millenarian

a lot easier to believe i might achieve a personal transcedence than that humanity can reach a sociopolitical one tho

What I try to keep in mind is that where we are now trans-wise would 10 years ago not be unimaginable but still seem far-distant. There's been a lot of ground gained and while even an inch of it lost is a shame, the generation that grew up with it will take it as a baseline.

(also no-one has ever won a fight on Twitter)

sometimes i picture trying to climb out of the blues as like building a house of cards, with really trembly hands, and maybe i get two or three tiers built up over a few days and then i wake up and think fuck am i doing this for? and knock the fucker flat

knowing i'll be back at it, hands shaking like the Waco Kid, in a few more days

A porterbottle stood up, stogged to its waist, in the cakey sand dough. A sentinel: isle of dreadful thirst.

Every day it's good to remind yourself that you could get totally fucked up. Then if you choose not to you can score it as a victory.

there should be an end zone tho, a properly signed biological marker where if you say drink more than amount X you will guarantee death. it's really physically difficult to Leaving Las Vegas yourself

i mean it should be really difficult of course. but nature could've illuminated the target better

not crying for anything just musing and enjoying the bounce of the keyboard

I love that every ilm thread is now just horrific puns on

Every day it's good to remind yourself that you could get totally fucked up. Then if you choose not to you can score it as a victory.

epiphanic week

wanting to not self-mythologize by monstering myself, everything to extremes, pure ego bullshit

but i've lived a life without empathy or himan connection, deserved nothing

maybe end up with nothing

https://cdn.onebauer.media/one/media/5dec/5694/ab24/0419/a833/2e18/free-guy.jpg

A himan earlier today - you've missed nothing tbh.

lolz

i kinda want to watch that, against my better instincts

I mostly want to just drink and drink until everything goes away but my body is a lightweight

Why are there people like Frank in the world?

Why are there people who deliberately watch comedy panel shows?

I mean, there was a good reason, but he died yesterday.

Wish I had the guts to kill myself

Don't worry failure fans, I don't

gonna give my mom your phone number

got a broken ego, broken heart
god i don't even know where to

HERE COME JIMMY ZEN AGAIN

Without ever quite reaching the "guts to do it" stage the insistent logic of ceasing to exist is pounding louder in my head every day

Cant argue to logic or anything

Toast is still good, readily available and hard to fuck up. Its a start

If I keep making my own problems I can certainly make some toast

I eat a lot of toast tbf

Crunch time

in no way is this a humblebrag, two clients at work yesterday told me how nice i was and i filled up with such thick despair and self-loathing i'm still trying to squish it now

and just to prove they were wrong and i'm right i drink myself into incapacity lol 1-0