ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now

my kids are going back to day care in a month and then to school a couple months later, so we've fully accepted that there's gonna be some risk and it's out of our hands. I have been trying to look at this rationally, it's easy to get very worked up about Covid since it's in the news all the time and literally ruined everyone's lives for over a year but I think the truth is that given how this affects (or rather, doesn't) kids I should probably be more worried about pneumonia or even just the regular old flu. it's kind of like how people get traumatized hearing about shootings constantly and when in public actively look for people with guns or "who here might go nuts" when the reality is their chances of getting into a fatal car wreck on the way home is probably higher. that said, I still don't want them around unvaccinated people. luckily the place I live got hit so hard in October and November that our infection rates are actually pretty low now.

yup. And I know this is all anecdotal evidence, but in addition to my own, I now know a bunch of kids who have had it, all extremely mild except one high school student who had a moderate case but not like "should we go to the hospital?" bad. None of these kids have after-effects either.

A similar analogy might be how we tend to get anxious during plane takeoff/landing/turbulence when statistically we have more reason to be nervous on a highway.

sorry my question a while ago was unclear

How are people handling vaccinated parents and unvaccinated kids?

should have been: how are people handling their being vaccinated but their kids not.

i feel like things aren't really changing for us yet even though all adults (parents and grandparents are vaccinated).

parks etc. were already open and the one that's old enough for daycare has been back for a while. i have no desire to go to a restaurant with kids in these circumstances. and the kind of place we'd take our (very young) kids for activities (museums, etc.) don't seem like they're going to open soon in a way that is pleasant to attend.

and that's assuming we weren't worried about the risks to ourselves and others. which we are. the risks are lower than they were where we live, but the CDC is still requiring masks for unvaccinated kids in the same situations they're recommending them for unvaccinated adults for a reason.

so our getting vaccinated in the last week or two has been kind of an anticlimax.

My kids graduated from middle school yesterday, if you can even believe it.

https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51211169913_e99f5bf470_c.jpg

The dog still has a lot to learn

Celebrated first day of summer with our traditional ice cream breakfast:
https://i.imgur.com/8eUF9VA.jpg

congrats on the graduations!

nice pics

for those of you with kids old enough to have significant amounts of homework: how closely do you monitor that homework is getting done on time and at an appropriate quality level?
we've generally been pretty hands-on with our 10-year-old, reminding them about assignments and deadlines, but this has turned into a big source of stress for everyone over the past couple of years. the kid says we're nagging them too much and gets furious if we suggest they need to use their time more wisely/not have distractions while working/put more effort into their work/etc. and we are constantly stressed about them hitting their deadlines and annoyed that they don't seem to have any of their own motivation to do a good job.
in any case, what we've been doing hasn't been working. there are constant arguments and their grades still aren't amazing (the issue isn't them getting bad grades on assignments but on them "forgetting" to do things or turning them in late). they're starting sixth grade after the summer and that feels too old for us to be holding their hand through everything. i want to just set expectations at the beginning of the school year and then tell them they're in charge of doing their own work on time, that we're available to help if they need it but we won't be proactively monitoring their work, and that if their grades don't meet expectations then we'll have to set up tutoring time (which they will probably see as a punishment). BUT i don't know if i can trust myself to abandon control to that degree. even though i probably should.

Once my kids got a bit older (like yours), I stopped hand-holding entirely, and just switched to looking at their grades. They want to get good graders, so they do their work. Their school isn't very difficult, though.

Homework is mostly bullshit, but so are jobs.

I have one kid in a school that doesn't have homework, and one in a school that does. They're both doing fine.

really want i want them to get out of this is to learn to develop strategies for multitasking/organizing/breaking down big projects, which is useful in pretty much any job or endeavor

feeling you on your initial post, NA, as well as your reasoning about developing those executive function skills. Don't have a lot of answers but I think what we're trying to do with our 9-year-old is create routines that scaffold the skill-building we want to see so it's as painless as possible. i wish i had more details but this year was such a shitshow we'll probably be figuring most of it out in august as we prepare for september.

really want i want them to get out of this is to learn to develop strategies for multitasking/organizing/breaking down big projects, which is useful in pretty much any job or endeavor

This is a noble goal and I commend you.

That said, I'm 50 years old and I am at the peak of my career and I have... checks notes none of that. I manage with a combination of improvisation, procrastination, dumb luck, seniority, and quick thinking.

Lazy parent head: homework is a test of the parents as much as the kid; it's a pain in the arse and causes too many fights. They'll invariably get detentions if they don't do it and can catch up then.

Teacher head: 95% of what I set is shite and is waaay more trouble than it's worth. Most (if not all) kids do their best work in school. I always try to set stuff that provides discussion for the start of the next lesson.

When I've spoken to parents who are struggling with kids for whatever reason and they say how often they fight over homework my response is generally along the lines of 'don't fight over it - if they're generally keeping up and scribbling it on a cigarette packet during registration, so be it'.

I guess this is just sort of a parenting win post - I feel like I have done a lot of things wrong as a parent, but one thing I have done consistently is to emphasize that you can get better at anything with consistent practice, that you should never say "I'm bat at ___" only "I can improve at ___" etc., and that determination goes a long way.

My older one, K, was delayed physically - not severely but enough that she got physical therapy and occupational therapy. I knew from my own childhood that physical delays can really hurt self-esteem so I made an extra point of emphasizing practice with her, knowing it might take her a little more practice than some kids to get things down. Early on I saw that it was getting through to her - she would do monkey bars over and over again every day at the playground, first maybe only one or two rungs, then three, then four, eventually all the way, even if other kids might pick it up faster. I emphasized not giving up. This was something I learned myself later in life - that I could overcome a lot of what I had once thought were innate physical problems with a little extra work. For example, while I never played organized basketball, as an adult I started practicing regularly and took a course, and actually started to hold my own in pickup games.

This year (she's 9) a neighbor invited K to join a CYO basketball team, her first team sport ever (and she doesn't even have much experience in basketball). She wanted to do it, so I said ok (CYO is more competitive vs our local rec league, so I was a little nervous for her). She is tall for her age, fwiw. First couple of practices and games were tough for her - any kid with as little experience as her would be confused on the court and she tends to be even slower to process than some kids. I was concerned she would get discouraged, and I didn't want to pressure her, but I did my best to keep emphasizing the message of "Just keep practicing, you will get better, you will get used to it," etc. I told her she had to finish the season because she committed, but that after that she could decide if she wanted to continue.

Third game yesterday, and the team, advertised as being their age, looked about two grades older. In spite of this, K got her first rebound and took her first shot in game!She told me on the way home that she really loved the game and really wants to continue with CYO and doesn't want to do rec league. On top of that, the coach told me she has a great shooting touch and he has "no doubt" she will be a big contributor once she gets used to playing and the game slows down for her. I'm trying really hard to walk that line of not becoming "one of those youth sports dads" but it was the most exciting basketball game I've ever watched in my life.

man alive that is an awesome story! Congratulations on your message getting through and paying dividends. I also have a 9-year-old daughter who isn't necessarily a natural athlete, and I hope I can follow your example as she hopefully explores team sports in the years to come (she wanted to play softball this year but we couldn't make it work with COVID and school schedule and such).

Great stuff, if there's one thing I'd like my kids to learn it's that. Well maybe that and don't be a dickhead.

That's really great. A good reminder for me as a not particularly active person, and to instill in my kids too. It's great with kids to see them improving before your eyes, or even when it doesn't look like they are, something clicks!

I bought my son a drum set last summer. Just some cheap $200 generic thing that was sitting in one of his friend's basements. We cleared a spot for it and...then it just sat there. He said that he was practicing when we weren't home, but I didn't really believe him because it's the pandemic and somebody was home most of the time. Bought him a new hi-hat and stand for it last xmas, as well as new tom heads. He put it all together, but again, I never saw evidence that he was practicing on it at all.

Anyway, finally in the past week he has brought a friend into our house (which he NEVER does because he is too embarrassed of us) and they are trying to figure out drum stuff together. It's nice.

We went to my wife’s grandfather’s graveside service last weekend, first death related thing where the 6.5yo will understand things for the most part. While pulling into the cemetery we realized we had to explain that there would be a “minister” who will say things called “prayers” and probably mention “Jesus” but not use it as an expletive. He was fascinated by everyone saying the Lords Prayer together and wondered how everyone knew the words (except people like me who grew up nominally catholic and don’t know the last part).

My 10-year-old daughter had a younger friend whose family moved away last year. I think he's maybe 8 at this point, but also acts even younger sometimes due to what I think are developmental problems of some sort. In the months before the family moved, my daughter had a bit of a falling-out with him and then the quarantine happened. They played together again once during the week before he left the state, and had a decent time, but she has grown apart from him.

He has called a few times since then, and while she has taken a couple of his calls, the past few times he has tried to get in touch, she has not had any interest in talking to him. And I'm fine with that. I have told him that she is busy and that I needed to keep my phone clear. But I think I might need to put a stop to him trying to call her. I think I just need to ring his mother (whose phone he uses to call) and have her talk to him about it.

Anyone else have any ideas?

I am one of you now! My daughter was born June 23rd; she is amazing; I am v tired!

Congrats!

whooooooo

congrats horseshoe!

congrats to you...you will barely even remember the way life was a month ago :)

Congratulations!

omg yes!!

now you will have more time to post on ilx :)

Massive congratulations!

Yay!

babby is formed

Hooray and congrats! Please reach out if you need any entirely useless advice that is based on my flawed perception that I know what works generally with children and haven't just had random luck based on my own kids.

thanks, guys! we’re sort of struggling with feeding right now. Baby was slow to gain weight, but we had a good gain at the pediatrician’s today. I am *anxious* about my milk supply and her ability to transfer it. right now we’re supplementing with formula…part of me wants a voice from the heavens to tell me it’s okay to stop trying with breastfeeding, but I’m going to see how it goes up until she hits six weeks and reevaluate. if anyone had similar experiences, i’d love to hear how it went. (if people can even remember the first six weeks!)

Congratulations, welcome to the gang! I remember with breastfeeding at the start that it was a case of little and often. Babbies’ stomachs are the size of a golf ball so you’re not going to get tons in there. That’s why they wake up every couple of hours needing a refill, darn their tiny toes. It’s weird to begin with, not knowing how much breast milk you’re actually producing - your boobs don’t have a measure on the side like a bottle! But try not to freak out too much. Also, all babies lose weight in the couple of weeks after birth, so don’t worry too much about that either. Hahaha I’m saying don’t worry but if you’re anything like me you’ll worry about everything, forever and ever. I’m a total cheapskate so I was very happy to provide milk free of charge for my son, and the weight loss was a big bonus. The day I stopped breastfeeding it all went back on…

I will pass on the best bit of parenting advice I ever received: just do whatever works. I’d add to trust yourself to know what works (and whether it’s more important to have something that works in the short-term at the expense of the long-term). Enjoy it, good luck with the sleep deprivation, cuddle the heck out of that little thing while you can.

have you met with a good lactation consultant? i know that was incredibly helpful for my wife, someone who could physically observe latch position, etc, and help to adjust

we definitely had a similar situation with our older kid and had to supplement with formula, with the resultant unnecessary guilt. second kid was also on formula part-time because they were in day care during the day after they were two months old. you shouldn't feel bad about whatever you decide to do, as long as the baby is growing - this phase of their getting most of their nutrition from milk won't last long (relatively)

i think often the best lactation advice is just “it’s okay, everybody’s probably doing it right”

i think i have told the absurd story of our first night at home with our first kid and thinking that he wasn’t getting any milk because he kept crying and crying and we weren’t sure about “the latch” and it was a sunday night and raining and everything was closed and took a taxi back to the hospital to get some formula like a maniac and then realised i hadn’t brought any money so of course the cabbie drove off, leaving me there, so i literally RAN home with a box of formula in my hand like it was Marathon and the kingdom depended on my return and when i got back, dripping wet, everyone was asleep. the latch was fine, everything was fine.

Haha aw! Yes everything feels very desperate and high stakes right now; I keep having meltdowns and my husband keeps being very calm and helpful. (one recent meltdown: we arrived to the lactation consultant on time but couldn’t find the office immediately. I became catatonic at the thought that we’d lose our spot; he calmly texted the office until they’d directed us appropriately.)

Lactation consultant has been v nice and somewhat helpful, but it’s overwhelming how everyone in this process gives us different advice. Also our first weighted feed suggested baby was transferring milk fine, but the more recent two weighted feeds have been less successful. At least she gained weight in the past week, though; trying to just be happy about that and not feel like I have to have the whole breastfeeding thing sorted immediately.

lmao tracer

also the first time we went to the lactation consultant I was turned off by 1) anti medical bias in her comments about pediatricians and hospitals (baby was born in a hospital and I was pleased with the care I received) 2) intern who interviewed me being a white girl with dreads. i am incredibly not a hippie and probably have a pro medical bias, but I’m trying not to hold that against the lactation people.

we tried to have #1 at a midwife-led birthing center so got that attitude from both directions. when we transferred to a hospital during labor the nurses and doctors there treated us like we were raw milk drinkers, and when we discussed our vaccination plan (viz. "get vaccinations") during a post-delivery debrief the midwives acted like were were monsters.

IIRC (it was 4 years ago, i hadn't sleep for a week at the time, and ironically haven't slept for a week this week), we saw several lactation consultants (things were fine, they just kept making us see them). baby was in the NICU so the ones we saw were extremely "medical-aligned" (in that they were affiliated with the hospital and at least one was a NICU specialist)? i wouldn't go as far as to say we liked them, but they gave good advice AFAICT. could you see a lactation consultant affiliated with the hospical you delivered at?

I liked the lactation consultants at the hospital we delivered at, but they’re only available for phone consultations right now because of COVID. also, they did give us different advice than the nurses in the hospital, who gave us different advice than baby’s pediatrician. And the lactation consultants we’re seeing now are giving us a fourth set of advice. I really like baby’s pediatrician and will see her in two weeks for a weight check, so if the supply/transfer stuff hasn’t improved I’m going to tell her and do whatever she suggests. Also, good lord @this: “when we discussed our vaccination plan (viz. "get vaccinations") during a post-delivery debrief the midwives acted like were were monsters.” that is outrageous. i wish everyone could just chill the fuck out.

I was really worried about breastfeeding to start with. Such a responsibility! It hurt like hell too, which wasn't in the plan/what we'd been told in all the lovely dovely classes we'd been to. The "advice"/help from various hospital staff/midwives etc varied greatly but there was one great woman who took the time to show me the best way to latch. I was ready to give up but that helped and it went fine not long after that.
When #2 came along I was expecting to be a pro at it but nope, had to start from scratch again.
Whatever is going to work best for you as a duo/as a family is best. There is nothing to say you should keep trying if it's making you miserable. But on the other hand the convenience (and so much more) is totally worth it if it does start to work.

xp yoga, the alt right, and southern california is a hell of a drug

For our first kid my wife's milk never fully came through, but it's such a hard thing to measure (baby weighing is not an exact science and they naturally lose weight at the start anyway) there was definite scepticism in the free drop-in clinics we went to and we were encouraged not to top up with formula and just keep at it even when it was pretty clear that things weren't working out - i.e. feeding sessions would take literally hours, she didn't poo for days - our daughter that is :). After an extremely fraught week or so we decided that militant breast milk only advocates can basically die in a fire and decided to top up, which in some ways was a blessing in disguise as - apart from ensuring our daughter wasn't starving - I got to help out more including doing her bottle at bedtime, which meant I bonded much more quickly with her than I did with #2 who was exclusively breast fed.

In Beijing we had a woman come and massage my wife's breasts for an hour before the milk came, is this something that doesn't happen in the UK/US?

(Going to see this on the out of context thread aren't I?)

That is not a service we were ever aware of!

I supplementary fed both my daughters, it was a pretty cool time late at night and also allowed my wife some much needed sleep. The breast milk militants can go fuck themselves, obviously it's good food for babies, but shaming people who are already in despair is ugly and helps nobody, especially the babies.

Thirded on the BF militants. Like I said, Whatever Works is the absolute #1 rule.