Belonging

my knee-jerk response to this question is that i don’t belong, except maybe to my nuclear family? (mother and sisters) it would probably be more accurate to say that I have tried to belong in a series of larger communities that i ended up in (social circles at school (all the way up through grad school—I think I tried hardest to fit in in grad school) the ethnic community I was born into, fellow English teachers). I have historically made some headway and then reached a point where I felt pretty alienated for one reason or another. This suggests that the difficulty in belonging is in me.

I would also say that I think I’m fine with this, or as fine as it’s possible to be. I’ve always had people I loved who loved me. I remember talking to my youngest sister once about her decision to move to India for some years in her 20s and 30s. She indicated that part of her impulse was a feeling that she had never found “her people” in America. I remember feeling startled at the idea that one could—I certainly haven’t either.

I feel like this sounds so dramatic, but I don’t think it is. I just think I’m kind of ornery and sensitive to difference.

but also there are communities I identify with in an imaginary way and feel committed to advocating for...Muslim women, teachers, nonwhite people in a variety of contexts. Doesn’t mean I’m good at making and staying friends with others in those communities, but imaginary identification is easier!

I lucked out in my late 20s. I got a job where I met some of the nicest, kindest, warmest people I could ever hope to work with, and despite the fact you shouldn't fill your friendships with colleagues I ended up with some great people in my life because of it, and crucially these people have always made me feel like they want to have me around. I also met my boyfriend. Now when a gig or an event comes up I want to go to, I don't have to say "please can we go to this thing?" because he already wants to go, and that's a huge comfort when you're otherwise trying to persuade someone to come to something more esoteric. And I met some amazing people at an afterparty - the kind of situation where you're best pals for a night and never see them again, except these people wanted to see me and I wanted to see them, and now we've become a friend group that goes on holiday together.

just wanted to say this made me happy to read and it's definitely something i've experienced a little of and hope to experience more of, because the connections i've made under circumstances like this never lasted.

oh don't get me wrong - I've been to many an afters where I've been immediate pals with people for a few hours, had them on Facebook a few months and then never seen or heard from them again. I've worked with teams of 30-40 people and found nobody I would ever invite into my home. And I did a lot of first dates in my teens and early 20s, although there's probably different things to be said about that. Like I say - lucked out.

I've always found it quite amazing that very like-minded people manage to meet, when I was younger I had a fascination for that part of bands and art scenes having people who managed to find each other. But I've discovered that a lot of those people were also very different and often didn't care for each other much.

I don't imagine I'll ever find many people in travelling distance whose company I crave, it just seems like a vanishingly small number of people I want to be with for very long; sometimes email, forums and blogs seems like the ideal kind of friendship but occasionally I miss speaking with friends in person. The idea of a future without workable internet seems completely horrifying, I wonder if people would travel more again to meet others like themselves.

All my real life friends (apart from my brother, sister and her boyfriend) have drifted away. I've only met up with a friend 2 or 3 times in the past 5 years and it has been surprisingly fine, I only miss one or two of them a little. I find the longer I am alone, the easier it gets.

There were some friends who I puzzled over why they wanted my company (not in a self-deprecating way) and I'm not surprised they drifted away but I am still a tad annoyed that I made so much effort to keep up with them and most of them made so little for me. I wish they had told me that they had other priorities now (understandable) and saved me the bother. But I know they liked me enough that maybe they were worried about hurting my feelings.

I think any really meaningful friendships I'm ever going to have will come from working at my art, which takes for-goddamned-ever. My best online friend came through that.

Sweet thread. Funny to see a couple of ..

At my high school leavers dance one of the more popular guys came up to me and asked why I acted like I was above it all and better than everyone and it was a revelation because it was absolutely not how I had experienced it

I remember getting this from one of the younger teachers but like put in a positive way. It was still weird to hear. All I can think is that when you're shit on constantly, just being able to walk around appears defiant to people who don't experience that. It's funny. What else can you do, cower in a corner until graduation?

Heaven forfend you should think yourself better than people you already implicitly understand will peak in high school.

couldn't really grasp that then, lol

high school the ideal time to peak imo

young dumb and full of cum

the truth is, i wish i could have peaked in high school, but that would have required that high school be replaced with the anvil

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/nrX-GZCnYxU/maxresdefault.jpg

I'm still waiting to hit any kind of peak tbh

ime, and genuinely not to discount experience itt or elsewhere, talk of peaks in that way is a road to toxic thoughts

All I can think is that when you're shit on constantly, just being able to walk around appears defiant to people who don't experience that. It's funny. What else can you do, cower in a corner until graduation?

Yeah cf also the people who said, "I wish I could be like you, you don't care what anyone says," knowing a) what it was costing me privately, and also b) if someone wants to hurt you WHY TF WOULD YOU SHOW THEM IT'S WORKING? Duh.

Man we have a lot of hurt to work through. I'm glad we all turned out to be such well balanced high-functioning people who found each other on the internet!! Truly.

xp otm

Was all this bullying their misguided way of trying to make friends? Or did they just gradually realize they wanted your company?

family issues aside, i never really put too much weight on the fact that i hang out or spend time with various groups, some of which would probably not hang out with each other.

i do have a small tight-knit circle of friends i've known for twenty years or so now. they're probably the people i can relax with the most and be more honest with. but we're also, for the most part, more "like-minded," which sounds hippy-dippy, but it's true!

having said all that, it's all pushed me to compartmentalize my thoughts and life more than i'd want. so when another circle of acquaintances finds out something about me that seems left of centre for that group, they become intrigued. but given the context, it's hard to really gauge whether this is something that i should share more of, because some human interaction is just plain difficult and some people are just hard to read. i'd rather keep it to what brings us together when in these circles.

xp I think it's more for a lot of people they didn't realise how impactful their words etc had been and didn't like the idea of someone harbouring bitterness towards them.

1. I grew up in an evangelical christian church that thought the end times were nigh and the world was corrupt. This drove strong feelings of division: belonging within the church and isolation from the outside world. The sense of community was amazing but also like a cult.

2. My father was culturally jewish and despite #1, we also went to synagogue on high holidays, kept kosher at passover, etc. There were not that many jews where I grew up, so this heightened the sense of isolation from the general community and even from others in our church.

― perhaps I myself was the object of my search (PBKR), Friday, March 5, 2021 7:29 AM (two days ago) bookmarkflaglink

I am absolutely serious when I say you could sell a book proposal about this in about half a second.