Most pooterish Adrian Chiles column

he's already beyond ending, he's the universal unconscious

These all each perfectly map to an "and thats ok/and heres why" entry

Chilesbot grows

It's gotta be 'My idea of happiness? A strimmer and a bramble-choked path.' One for the Real England thread.

My first drive in an electric car was going swimmingly - my dad would be world champion.
I'm glad to be back in church - and I should know.
The perfect vegan sausages from a dry mix - is it because they are unpronounceable?
You’re never too old to climb a tree - And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.
The secret of my hard-won mindfulness - And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.
I'm pruning and planting, but one gardening mystery remains - grow a lemon tree.
It doesn't matter how clever you are - but printers I hate from the bottom of my heart.
I've decided what to do with the rest of my life - grow a lemon tree.
I've started listening to my friends' music recommendations - A bargain bag of beauty.
I panic-bought a dartboard - even if there's hand sanitiser instead of holy water.
You’re never too old to climb a tree - So why can't I spare two minutes to clean my teeth?
I have finally mastered the dark art of sourdough baking - I found it in a chore I used to hate.
Searching for solace in lockdown - luckily I've discovered the perfect bread-free sandwich.
With the kids locked down and not on the town - is it because they are unpronounceable?
Seven weeks in - A bargain bag of beauty.
It doesn't matter how clever you are - A strimmer and a bramble-choked path.
Never mind machines getting cleverer - what other meat-free joys of the 70s did I miss?
Searching for solace in lockdown - Here's how to do it.
What will I do when travel restrictions lift - until the warning light flashed.
My first drive in an electric car was going swimmingly - but printers I hate from the bottom of my heart.
Lockdown has slowed me down - but in an SUV I am treated like a pariah.
Searching for solace in lockdown - but lockdown has made my life much simpler.
I am the world's nicest driver - And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.

make your own here:

https://codepen.io/ledgr/full/rNWreeM

Hooray, football is starting again! But hang on - turns out I am a shockingly mediocre player.

Ah looks like a Ross Barkley one got in there by mistake

omg ledge

Dishwasher Dad all day long for me, Clive

Chileswriter is oddly addictive, thanx ledge.

It makes a handy display name generator.

I'm pruning and planting, but one gardening mystery remains - luckily I've discovered the perfect bread-free sandwich.

What is it like to be a Adrian Chiles

Looool

One must imagine Adrian Chiles happy

lol

another vote for the dishwasher here

he should post on ILM
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EVrYsq1XYAIFYyc?format=png&name=small

flashback to when some of us had a silent track called AAA by aaaa on our ipods.

A Toby jug full of piss - Stewart Lee

I've beefed up the chileswriter with graphics and all new genuine Chiles content.

Huge

You see, the lockdown has its good points.

"Croatia has enchanting words for genitalia. Shame no one's asked for mine."

So many quotable though.

It doesn't matter how clever you are - That’s why I love Birmingham

“I’ve started listening to my friends' music recommendations – is it because they are unpronounceable?”

My idea of happiness? There’s still racism in English football

https://i.postimg.cc/mZJqtkkc/DD530-FF0-109-F-4477-BB05-D4813192-DBBF.jpg

I'm expecting ledge to end up being interviewed by Adrian Chiles about this.

https://i.imgur.com/hZgoUQ1.jpg

lock thread

I am the world's nicest driver - is this terrifying mask the only answer?

I like it when you get one where the only reason you know it's fake is over exposure to all the genuine variants.

Looking forward to the article where he muses about how socks go missing in the washing.

ledge that is amazing.

On the eve of my 52nd birthday, I’m targeted by a site for attractive, 52-year-old singles. End their anonymity

My idea of happiness? You’ll never get a good night’s sleep again.

anyway i’ll stop this now but it’s giving me a great deal of pleasure. (that’s me not voodoo chiles)

Music is a shortcut to joy. And it hurts

I think it's useful to categorize the columns.

The Adventures of Adrian Chiles, aged 53¾
I put my own makeup on for the first time - and saw my face in a whole new light.
I've decided what to do with the rest of my life: grow a lemon tree.
I have finally mastered the dark art of sourdough baking. Here's how to do it.
I panic-bought a dartboard – turns out I am a shockingly mediocre player.
I've started listening to my friends' music recommendations – shame no one's asked for mine.
You’re never too old to climb a tree – and I should know.
Seven weeks in, what have I learned from my new life as a dog person?
My first drive in an electric car was going swimmingly – until the warning light flashed.
I have made a thing of great beauty. And all it took was wire wool and elbow grease.
I'm pruning and planting, but one gardening mystery remains. How do snails get up to the fourth floor?
My lockdown baking obsession got out of control – luckily I've discovered the perfect bread-free sandwich.
Could sitting in a salt cave cure my nasal congestion?
Ranch dressing improves everything. So I tried to improve ranch dressing
What will I do when travel restrictions lift? Complete my odyssey to all 270 London tube stations.

Watercooler Chiles
Have you seen Tatler's new rules of poshness? I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There are two new Covid-fighting drugs I haven't heard much about - is it because they are unpronounceable?
Video games are good for your mental health? Not if you play like me.

That's nice, Adrian
With the kids locked down and not on the town, I've never slept so soundly.
My idea of happiness? A strimmer and a bramble-choked path.
Searching for solace in lockdown? I found it in a chore I used to hate.
What speed reading has taught me about taking my time.
The secret of my hard-won mindfulness? A bargain bag of beauty.
The perfect vegan sausages from a dry mix: what other meat-free joys of the 70s did I miss?
I used to hate it when businesses got too chummy. Then I met Alan the delivery driver.
I'm glad to be back in church – even if there's hand sanitiser instead of holy water.
I’ve always been hot on hand hygiene – I even dried them in the oven.
I know I’ve been lucky, but lockdown has made my life much simpler.

I think this has may have been said before, Adrian
Computers I can live with, but printers I hate from the bottom of my heart.
Shopping is a whole new world now I have to wear a mask.
If dishwasher-loading was a sport, my dad would be world champion.
Never mind machines getting cleverer - is technology making me stupider?

Introspective Adrian
Never mind machines getting cleverer - is technology making me stupider?
My obsession with West Brom has gone too far
It doesn't matter how clever you are - talk for more than a minute and you've lost me.
I am the world's nicest driver - but in an SUV I am treated like a pariah.
Hooray, football is starting again! But hang on, I'm dreading it...
Lockdown has slowed me down. So why can't I spare two minutes to clean my teeth?
First it was sourdough, now it's a puppy - I am a lockdown cliché.

Angry Adrian
I don't want to have a barbecue. Not even a lockdown one.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

In honour of the winner, I read the full the column.

“I have now embarked on a structured new regime. I resolved to try to hit every number from one to 20 in fewer than 60 darts. I am proud to tell you that in less than two weeks I have managed to do it using a mere 54 darts.”

An Olympic champion at dishwasher loading, but only silver in the Pooterish column race

World champion, rather

I have a lung condition that means actual belly laughs make me have coughing fits.

Chileswriter near killed me.

omg i am exceedingly sorry!

Feel like they bured the lede here: 'I have been idly wondering what the difference is between shallots and onions for a good 30 years' would have been a great headline.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/mar/17/hamlet-small-village-grandad-generation-google-lockdown

I think Chiles is doing it on purpose now:

Isn't it irenic? It's time to bring back beautiful words we have lost

The lexicographer and etymologist Susie Dent tells me it comes from Eirene, the Greek goddess of peace, who also gives us the name Irene. What a pity, then, that you don’t hear of many Irenes these days. I’m sure my nan knew an Irene, but that’s about it in my life. I searched a list of 50 famous Irenes and hadn’t heard of any of them. However, I’m so glad I looked, because I came across the quite fabulously named actor and director Irene Miracle.

definitely doing it on purpose, yes

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2021/apr/22/gadgets-should-make-life-easier-so-why-cant-i-turn-on-this-no-touch-tap

It must cause resentment that he's paid for this blather?

I saw that headline and immediately thought of here.

the most beautiful phrase in the English language is not "cellar door" it's "I panic-bought a dart board"

Some even need to be seen in context to be even funnierhttps://t.co/FgddxIiAG0

— The 984 (@The_984) June 15, 2023

That's easily the best column, you don't even need to read it.

You don’t need to read any of them, that would be doing it wrong

Ok Chile's has competition

I'm not sure what the Daily Mail thought they were getting for their six-figure Boris Johnson column, but I doubt 1,000 rambling words on why he took appetite suppressants for a bit, but gave them up after they made him feel a bit sick, was it. pic.twitter.com/naN1B3q4yy

— Adam Bienkov (@AdamBienkov) June 16, 2023

I want the follow-up where he tries meth instead.

Ha, my first thought when reading Johnson's column (yes, I went there) was "he's no Adrian Chiles". It's surprisingly poorly executed, and does nothing for his alleged reputation as an eloquent and witty columnist.

I had a torrid time with some pitiful, dried-out geraniums
on a three-for-£5 offer.
They just wouldn’t scan.
I got them for nothing in the end,
but they all died anyway.

https://www.theguardian.com/business/commentisfree/2023/aug/02/want-a-glimpse-of-dystopia-visit-the-self-service-checkouts

he's our Larkin

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/aug/30/have-i-told-you-about-the-time-i-split-my-trousers

Haven't read beyond the headline because I don't need to, and neither do you

i'll wait for have-i-told-you-about-the-time-i-shat-meself

This is actually very well done

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/nov/02/the-left-lane-on-a-motorway-is-for-the-virtuous-and-the-good-thats-why-i-love-it

Sublime

When the dog shook its head I lost it

ITV Sport Presenter Adrian Chiles eats a banana during the second half of the FIFA World Cup Qualifier - Group H - Ukraine v England (2013) pic.twitter.com/29yzrJ6OGJ

— Great British Getty Images (@shitbritishpics) January 14, 2024

Actually felt quite emotional after reading this.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/feb/14/i-was-injured-miserable-and-lost-then-steve-wright-saved-me

And even more so reading this. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/mar/20/ive-spent-a-lifetime-dreading-the-loss-of-a-parent-and-now-its-finally-happened

My god

that was very moving.

A stunning piece. My wife's father passed two years ago, this story matches that one in many ways.

i think its all the better because there's still the odd hint of pooterishness

It'll be a bit jarring when next week he's back to how he folds his underpants or whatever...

that's kind of life though isn't it? you suffer some tragedy but the laundry still has to be done

That's a terrific articulation. My dad died at the same age as Chiles' father when I was in my late 40s, and this all seems tremendously familiar to me.