Pitch your dark, gritty reboot

Pinnochio is permanent trapped inside the whale, playing hand after hand of gin rummy with Jimminy Cricket, as each of them slowly devolves into madness.

The Exorcist but it's irony poisoning instead of demonic possession.

The Exorcist but it’s an unemployed woman masturbating with a crucifix on OnlyFans to pay rent.

Wizard of Oz with an endless succession of 'good' witches leading Dorothy further into danger without ever bothering to mention that her goddamn magic shoes can take her home anytime.

The Brady Bunch only the kids are all fucking each other

Max Headroom where instead of a digitized head on the tv screen it's a dick

a gritty dick?

Only Frewer knows for sure

DJP's Hogan reboot wins this round.

Dan is uh very good at this thread, lolz

esp the Hogan Family one

Perfect Strangers only it’s Fight Club

ngl i would take on another paid premium streaming service to watch Hogan reboot

My Two Dads, with both dads as ex-pimps

Jaded, pill-popping, foul-mouthed Slylock Fox takes on one last case.

Bosom Manor Revisited -- everyone is either part of a pedophile conspiracy or they are UKIP racist shits, like you have to decide whom to root for -- the paedos or the nazis

My computer that I brought to the beach and I dropped it in the SAND and then I spilled COFFEE on it and it FROZE so i had to hold down the power button

Multiplicity, with each duplication being a grittier pimp than the previous, with exception to the fourth duplicate, which is just Gritty.

Pinwheel, with Plus and Minus as ex-pimps

Trumpton, except it's set in an alterna-WW2 and the village has been occupied by invading Nazis

'Allo 'Allo but the French characters are collaborators tasked with hunting down members of the resistance and Allied airmen.

Full House, with Danny Tanner as an ex......

boxer

Mork and Mindy, if it was The Americans

ALF, with Alf being an ex-pimp

OK ok we get it.

Cheers. A documentary series following the dark lives of a bunch of severe alcholics and their road to recovey.

Lassie, where the show is exactly the same except that they've shaved the word 'TITS' into Lassie's fur

Silver Spoons, with Ricky Stratton being abducted from his home and being reprogrammed by a cult until he's age 10. he returns to his affluent house years later and is extremely violent and threatens his family members and the butlers. then someone in the family accidentally says the secret word and he becomes docile, but everybody fears the moment he'll go back to his violent self.

what about ALF but it's like a Norma Lear sitcom and Alf is a racist xenophobic blowhard who crashes into a working class latino family's garage

Instead of eating cats he just believes in a conspiracy where they secretly control the world.

ALF no longer stands for "alien life form", it stands for "All Lives Flatter", because he's not just anti-BLM and Thin Blue Line, he's a flat earth society dude.

also he keeps DAvid Lee Roth chained up in a cage

The Brady Bunch only the kids are all fucking each other

Wasnt this what was happening anyway

greg def got down w the mom iirc

they broke Marcia's nose with a football when she threatened to squeal to the cops

A succession of different wild animals worry at Steve Irwin's corpse

Facts of Life except instead of a school it's a convent full of pregnant teens

Reading Rainbow but if you misread a word or sentence wolves maul you

Leave it to Beaver: The Cleaver family appears to be as American as apple pie, however Ward, June, Walter (Wally) and their youngest, Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver are actually more like strudel. Relocated from their native Germany after World War 2, as a result of Operation Paper Clip, the Cleaver family needs to blend in with their new neighbors. Things are going well for them until young Beaver gets in a bicycle accident and begins having strange dreams where his name is not Beaver Cleaver, but Wernher Messerschmitt (named after family friend, Wernher von Braun) and his brother was named Walter after another friend of his father's, Walter Dornberger. While dealing with the struggles of being a stay-at-home mother, and her son's mental health, June is faced with her past. While grocery shopping at the local supermarket, a new teacher at Wally's school, Anna Unger, formerly a prisoner of the Mittelbau-Dora concentration camp, looks shocked to see June and falls dead of a heart attack in the middle of the cereal aisle.

Go on this is just getting good

Flight of the Conchords but the guys are detained indefinitely in an ICE facility and come up with fanciful "songs" to escape the reality of their situation.

Theme: life is rebootiful

Sex and the City but they are all suffering from late stage syphilis.

Sons of Anarchy after the state of California imposes draconian emissions restrictions on motorcycles.

The Late Late Show With Tom Snyder but Tom Snyder is bleeding profusely from every orifice

sounds like Eric Andre is involved

Mary Tyler Moore works for InfoWars

Wasnt this what was happening anyway

That was the joke, yes

xp - June Cleaver was a nurse in the camp who dealt with "female issues" of the prisoners. Being a housewife is a big change for her. ... In season 2, Beaver learns that he was actually adopted due to his parents inability to conceive due to the effects of living and working in the V2 facility, and he speculates wildly as to who he really is. Was he Anna Unger's son with a prominent Nazi scientist? Was his father even higher up in the Nazi command? Was his father, in fact, Adolf Hitler himself?

Kids Incorporated only it’s set in a suburban basement and the kids are all undocumented and spend their time sewing fashion knockoffs for the people who own the house

SNL but they let the hosts freely spout anti-semitic tropes.

Arthur, a true crime miniseries where the adult animals put their heads together to solve the disappearance of Francine. Arthur is voiced by Richard Kind, Francine is found dismembered in a ritual killing, Binky is revealed in the penultimate episode to have been the cult-leader culprit. The "heart" of the series however revolves around the changing relationship between Arthur and his cop sister DW, who is attempting to assist in the investigation while covering up evidence of her own corruption and cartel ties.

ER, but each episode is from a new patient's pov as they show up to the ER, wait, then die.

Each episode ends with Clooney, drenched in blood, staring at the camera, intoning "We lost another one."

Scooby Doo, where Scooby isn't a dog, but a man seen together to look like one. Which is why he talks the way he does

Night Court: SVU

Which 1980s rapper is available to play the prosecutor

The Jetsons, in which George and family live in a cyberpunk dystopia, an environmentally degraded Earth inhabited by impoverished masses toiling for a ruling global elite that includes the Spacely family. The technology in the Jetson home is either surveillance equipment installed by the government or black-market, usually dangerous tech that Judy and Elroy have managed to scrounge from the vast waste dumps surrounding the now ironically-named Orbit City.

Xpost Kool Keith

Donkey Kong Country as a FromSoft/Soulslike open world

You know how on Scooby Doo, they always run away from the monster even if the monster turns out to be fake every single time? A 'year one' Scooby Doo prequel would be good. From the classic characters, it starts with just Shaggy and Scoob, along with maybe four or five others, who obviously won't make it to the end as the monsters actually catch them and show what happens when they do. Some monsters are real, but not all. Velma, Daphne and Freddie should eventually be introduced along with some friends or relatives who also get killed, so they are also properly traumatized and have good reason to be afraid in all the other series.

An A-Team reboot wherein people actually hit their targets in shootouts & with self-built tanks.

There's a Smurf story wherein Papa Smurf wants to organize the dance of the 100 Smurfs and is one Smurf short. It's solved in the story by Vanity Smurf accidentally cloning himself when his mirror is struck by lightning. But this story leads me to wonder if and how the Smurfs normally keep their population to exactly one hundred. These details need to be explored!

there is already a scooby doo film which is them becoming the scooby gang. not sure about all the deaths though.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1258157/?ref_=ttls_li_tt

Scooby-Doo! The Mystery Begins (2009)

thankful it wasn't called Rise of the Scoobs or some shit like that

I'm pretty sure that dark, gritty comic book versions exist

There’s also real-life, in-continuity Smurf book Le Schtroumpfissime/King Smurf, where Brainy becomes a fascist dictator when Papa Smurf goes on holiday, and Jokey Smurf leads an insurgent bombing campaign

Then iirc Jokey Smurf gets sentenced to death

wow

The latest Scooby Doo series with Mindy Kaling as the eponymous "Velma" is a prequel where the characters are not yet a gang, popular girls at the school are graphically lobotmized, Velma suffers from anxiety attacks which manifest as insane visions, and Scooby isn't even in it. Neither is the Mystery Machine. It's not as bad as it sounds.

There’s also real-life, in-continuity Smurf book Le Schtroumpfissime/King Smurf, where Brainy becomes a fascist dictator when Papa Smurf goes on holiday, and Jokey Smurf leads an insurgent bombing campaign

You are describing the gritty reboot version of it, but you're close. Brainy becomes King Smurf in the cartoon, not in the book (which is called 'De Smurfführer' in Dutch!). Papa Smurf needs to go away to find a special herb for his experiments. The other Smurfs get into arguments and decide that they need someone in charge, however since everybody wants to be the one in charge they go for elections. One Smurf discovers that he can get his fellow Smurfs on his side by making them promises that greatly appeal to them - promises which he may not even intend to uphold. Brainy expects to be elected but only gets one accidental vote besides his own. Once elected, the King goes on a power trip, Hefty wants to beat him up but the King appoints him leader of the guard which facilitates his dictatorship. Jokey pulls his typical exploding package prank on the King and gets thrown in jail. A rebellion is formed and frees Jokey, Brainy is jailed instead and expects to be similarly rescued but nobody cares. The rebels retreat to the forest. Raids from the King fails. The King reinforces the village and the rebels attack it in an all-out civil war. Then Papa returns, everyone's ashamed, the King picks up a broom to start cleaning up the mess but the others tell him that they like him and the fault is not his, but everybody's, and everything's well again.

I repeatedly read all of the Peyo Smurf books to my daughter a couple of years ago so I'm well-versed. The above story is a very good one, but does seem to take forever. I prefer the one wherein they have a civil war because the north and south sides of the village have different takes on compound nouns, ie 'Corksmurf' versus 'Smurfscrew'.
The notorious first story, 'the Black Smurfs', features Smurfs getting stung by a certain mosquito and turning into zombie-like creatures. It's not bad but the chosen colour makes it somewhat problematic. For the cartoon version they understandably went with 'the Purple Smurfs'.
Far more problematic is the Smurfette story, which has Gargamel create Smurfette by infusing blue clay with a shitload of annoying personality features, and this is then the only female character. Ah, here it is: https://www.lambiek.net/artists/image/p/peyo/peyo_smurfin.jpg

Wow.. who hurt you bud?

Lol, thanks for correcting my precis. It's such a good book, and it really works on both levels -- as a colorful adventure for a six-year-old who likes Smurfs, and as a dark parable for adults (or teenagers who've read their first Orwell)

Brainy's misapprehension that he's going to be rescued by a grateful public is totally classic

Holy for shit, I forgot there was an A Team movie with Liam Neeson. Doubt it was dark and gritty, but I bet it was grim.

I quite liked that A-Team movie. It has an amazing over-the-top scene where they crash land a tank from a plane into a lake.
Parts of it work less well. There is a strong focus on the development of Faceman from an impulsive screwup to a controlled reliance and that means the ultimately, the main plan comes from him and not from Hannibal - who should really be the devious mastermind. Also, there's a whole thing about B.A. turning non-violent and then having a moment where he 'comes back' from that mindset in a very brutal manner. But overall, I would have liked to see more of this incarnation of the team.

But this story leads me to wonder if and how the Smurfs normally keep their population to exactly one hundred.

Soylent Blue

When Jay Leno was set on fire by one of his cars, I immediately thought of a Cars reboot set in a vintage car collection where the cars - tired, corroded with rust, and riddled with metal fatigue - see their owner as a demonic zombie master who totally against their wishes for eternal sleep, keeps them alive and running. Eventually, they turn on him.

a man, meek and down on his luck, is at the end of his rope. as he hitchhikes at one last ditch effort to start over again, he keels over in pain as he hears a ringing in his ear. it gives way to a piercing voice that speaks only one word at a time. "Hope". "Peace". "Salvation".

Soon, coordinates are beamed to his phone, and he goes on a long, arduous mission to meet the source of the voice in his head. he faces death many times, and by the end of the movie he reaches his destination. he finds a glowing light and as he draws near he falls to his knees upon what he sees:

Hologram George Burns. the film goes to black and the film's title appears for the first and only time

"Oh, God! Book One"