How do you help a friend who's in an abusive relationship?

All of this is moot though if she isn't ready to move on.

This is the hardest part.

One of my close friends is (still) in a situation that is similar to what you've described, lily dale. For the last year-and-a-half, my ex and I have been horrified at descriptions of our friend's partner's behaviour. She has left, several times, but keeps coming back. I've even spoken to her partner, several times-- it's been excruciating to have to listen to him monologue for 45 minutes straight, asserting and re-asserting how much he "loves" her, and "would never hurt her", and talk about how his behaviour is meant to help her "get out of her rut", and so forth.

When you experience trauma bonds, you can be at a place where you're admitting to yourself, and others, "this person is abusing me", and yet you simultaneously-- and, in fact, as a direct response to the abuse-- have an overwhelming desire for the abusive person to apologize, to improve, for things to normalize. This (along with domestic and economic factors) is what keeps a person in this situation, the addiction to crumbs of normalcy, to apologies (when they're given), to small gestures of kindness that feel oversized.

I don't know how to convince a person to leave a situation such as this, my own efforts have not been successful. My therapist advised me to have the escape resources on hand when she does decide to leave. Also: to "plant seeds of doubt" without fully demonizing her partner. (I cannot attest to the efficacy of the latter.)

My mother, who provides legal representation to abusive individuals, abused individuals, and children, said that the most effective method in her experience is to attempt to persuade the woman to, at the very least, attend women's support groups. That in being a group with other individuals who may be in similar situations may provide clarity to her own situation, and may prepare her mentally to exit.

Balthazar, so genuinely sorry to hear that. I can't imagine.

Balthazar, I'm so sorry.

I talked to her last night and urged her to sit down with her counselor and come up with an escape plan. She's been very reluctant to make a plan, I think mostly because she's not ready to leave, but also because she knows she won't like any of the options for how to escape. I told her that having a plan doesn't mean she has to use it, that she can think of it as an emergency plan to keep herself and her family safe if things escalate and she has to move quickly. I don't think I convinced her but I'll keep working on it. Just posting this so you know I'm taking the danger to her seriously and doing my best to get her to take it seriously as well.

you are a very good friend, lily dale

Thank you, Aimless, that's very kind.

When you experience trauma bonds, you can be at a place where you're admitting to yourself, and others, "this person is abusing me", and yet you simultaneously-- and, in fact, as a direct response to the abuse-- have an overwhelming desire for the abusive person to apologize, to improve, for things to normalize. This (along with domestic and economic factors) is what keeps a person in this situation, the addiction to crumbs of normalcy, to apologies (when they're given), to small gestures of kindness that feel oversized.

This is so succinct and insightful; I think I'll try reading it to her and see if she recognizes what you're describing. Thanks, fgti, and I'm sorry to hear that your friend is going through this as well.

In case anyone was wondering how my cousin was doing, I am very happy to report that she managed to get physically away from her abuser over the summer and is currently safe, although her safety is dependent on her not going back to her hometown for the foreseeable future. She's still very entangled with him in financial and housing-related ways, still in fairly constant touch with him, and very anxious and traumatized, but she is physically safe and I think genuinely understands how much danger she was in. As far as understanding how badly she was being abused, I think she's about 70% there, which is a lot better than it was for most of the past three years. It's not nearly over yet, but when I look back to the start of this thread and realize how far she's come in the last seven months, I can hardly believe it. Just the most tremendous relief. Thanks again to everyone who helped.

excellent news! no doubt it'll still be tough going for a while. strength to you both.

Cousin currently staying with me and I have no idea how to get her to the next step of getting out of this. He's still in touch with her, texts her all the time threatening her and berating her and asking her horrible unanswerable trick questions. Sometimes she answers because she's scared he'll burn down her house, or because he threatens suicide (I had to call the troopers the other night because he implied to her that he was attempting suicide), and sometimes she tries to block him but he has her number memorized and he just finds another phone and keeps calling and texting her. Just nonstop psychological torture, and she's breaking down under it, unsurprisingly.

I feel like at this point she needs to get a new phone, get a restraining order, and just accept that he may very well burn down her house but at least he doesn't know where she is and can't kill her. But I can't get her to do that, and it feels like we've been stalled out here for so long, I don't know what to do next. I don't think it's entirely about the house, but of course not wanting your house burned down is a consideration that would influence anyone. And I don't want to act like her stuff and her house and her life back home are nbd and it doesn't matter if she loses them, though at this point I feel like effectively they're already lost. No need to offer advice or help (though I'm not saying no to it if you have any!) just wanted to unload a bit.

I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given, but I'm wishing the best for her and for you.

Could you just buy her a burner phone and give it to her? A small step, granted, but maybe if you take the initiative in this one thing, she'll appreciate it and it'll get the snowball rolling... best of luck to you both.

That's a good idea!

If she's worried about being able to receive relevant info from him, could you or someone else act as a barrier, take over access to her calls/emails/ whatever he's contacting on and filter them for her so you can pass on anything essential but not have him in direct contact with her? This might ease her mind a bit about letting go of contact. (And she get a new phone number etc).

Restraining order or equivalent seems like the way to go too. It doesn't sound like it's going to die down by itself.
I'm not an expert in this - do you have any groups set up who can give practical advice?

I offered but she said no; I'll try again, though. She said she talked to an advocate this morning who didn't have any ideas.

it's just so frustrating that people are just allowed to do this to someone. the deck is so stacked against the victims. your cousin is lucky to have you, and I hope there's progress on the horizon. some good suggestions above.

Thanks, everyone.

Venting and general stressful shit to follow, sorry!

I don't know if this belongs in this thread or the burnout thread or the cops suck thread or what, but my cousin's abusive ex burned her house down yesterday. It wasn't insured (a cabin with a wood stove so not really insurable), and she's devastated of course, and it doesn't seem like the police are going to do anything about it because he at least claims to have burned it down by accident. And because she's poor and the cops and fire marshal just don't care.

I know this isn't about me but I just wanted to vent about it because I was already feeling just on the edge of being overwhelmed by work. My first formal observation is tomorrow, and my first vacation since I started this job begins on Saturday, so I was looking forward to getting the observation behind me and then collapsing. But now my cousin's going to be showing up at my house and I'm just a big ball of stress about how awful things are.

I lived in that house for the six years I was in Alaska. (It's a duplex; we each rented a side, then my cousin bought the place and I rented from her for a bit.) It was a weirdly palatial shack, with tons of character. A huge picture window, high ceilings, a sauna, a balcony greenhouse, terrible insulation, no running water. I put in a double-sided wall of bookcases to divide up the upstairs, and my dad built me a bed. Hard to believe it's all gone. (Not asking for sympathy, btw; I've been gone for three years and I don't feel like my house burned down or anything; it's all just taking some processing. And I don't feel like I have a lot of processing time right now.)

<3 LD i'm so sorry

Thanks <3

That makes me so angry. He telegraphed what he would do because he knew he'd get away with it.

I'm so sorry, for you and your friend :(

Thank you Neanderthal. The thing is, he may be telling the truth. It's really easy to burn down a wood-heated cabin if you're high and not paying attention. But either way, he forced her to leave her home and then went into it without permission and burned it down. Whether it's deliberately or through negligence, it wouldn't have happened if he weren't constantly threatening her life. But that's prob not the way the marshal and cops are going to see it.

What an arsehole. Is she angry?
That's shockingly bad, I'm so sorry.
Hope you can mentally put it to one side until your observation is over. Good luck.
It's obviously a threat, btw. Has she been reporting any of his behaviour?

I am shocked to read this. My feelings of shock come mostly from the fact that you'd specifically cited this as being a worry, months ago. I hope your cousin is getting a restraining order.

She hasn't been reporting any of it up till now because she was scared that if she did anything to antagonize him further he would burn her house down. Now I think she's mostly angry at herself for not doing more to get him out of the house. I keep telling her it's not her fault; once he started making threats she was in a bind.

he's absolutely not telling the truth. i hope she's able to get far away from him asap, cut off all contact, new phone, etc. can she find a relative he doesn't know about to stay with far away? (Is that you?) it sounds like he doesn't know where you live, that there's some distance between him and where she is now? this is a really dangerous situation imo. she needs to disappear from him and then possibly consider the restraining order from more safe, stable and removed place. not familiar with all the details here, just my gut reaction. i think maybe you need to not be the only person supporting her, are there any other friends and family who can help?

he's absolutely not telling the truth.

And, meant to add, Lily Dale she is so fortunate to have your amazing support. And I also agree with map that she needs more (and you need to not be holding all the burden). You can search for local resources on www.the hotline.org and find someone who she can tell her story to and help her out it in context, generate next steps, figure it what is actionable for her with consequences for him, etc.

i hope she's able to get far away from him asap, cut off all contact, new phone, etc.

this is absolutely the best advice possible. women are murdered by their abusive ex-husbands with tragic frequency. in earlier posts you said she wasn't ready to cut him completely out of her life, yet. i hope to god she's more than ready to now, because without that willingness there's little that anyone else can do to remove her from mortal danger.

Thanks, everyone. I didn't post here for a day or so because nothing was happening and it was so dispiriting realizing that the fire marshal and the cops were determined not to do their jobs. As in, the fire marshal had decided it wasn't arson without even looking at the place, and the cops were like, "well, she didn't have a restraining order so there's no evidence of abuse." Luckily we have an uncle who's a (mostly retired) judge in the state, so he's doing his best to make some calls and talk them into taking it seriously. Seems like he may be making some progress, but it's all moving very slowly at best.

She is safe, though; she's been away, staying sometimes with me, sometimes with other people, since the summer. But since she left very quickly, she wasn't able to rescue any valuables or even bring her winter clothing with her, so she's really got nothing.

I had a stalker once and had to move several times to get away from him.

I got a phone call one afternoon at work from the landlord saying they were moving me to a new place. They took me seriously.

But the cops wanted me to come up with an address for him and I couldn't and they were pressuring me to name this other guy who I knew was innocent.

A few weeks into my stay in the new building, I came down to the lobby to find glass all over the floor.

Every window in the lobby had been smashed in and the landlord's office was ransacked. We knew it was him, but he never got arrested. The cops wanted to treat it as "one of those things", a simple burglary.

After that, I lived with my sister until my lease was up, then I moved into the upstairs at my parents' old house. Since the phone and bills weren't in my name, the situation died down.

It is so demeaning to have to beg social services for help. There just aren't enough resources, and people often treat victims like they are lying, "crazy" or exaggerating.

I had a friend who slept IN A CHURCH after someone broke into her trailer and kidnapped and murdered her daughter.

You would think no one who suffered such a loss would have to spend one night in a church. She lived there for TWO MONTHS until people from church found her a place and bought furniture for her. I gave her a bunch of my old clothes. I wish I had more to give.

But no one should have to go through this. We are barbaric as a society that anyone living in fear of someone should have this burden.

I wish I could help your friend. I will pray, in my own way, for strength for both of you.

Thank you so much for that post, I M Losted, and I'm sorry for taking so long to reply. I'm so sorry you went through that, and it's just infuriating how little there is for survivors of something like that. My cousin loses everything she has, and the Red Cross throws her a few hundred dollars and the local women's shelter sends her a self-care wheel telling her to get acupuncture.

I haven't posted on this thread in a few days just because there's nothing to add; no updates, no progress. Hopefully we get some kind of news soon.