ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now

Mine think shorts are year-round apparel

Oh yeah, when he got to be around 10 or 11, my wife would have huge fights with him in the morning because he didn't want to wear jeans in sub-freezing weather. Wasn't a thing when I was a kid, but apparently it is the standard for tween boys these days.

guess what happens if you give an 18 month old some toilet roll from the cupboard and say "go and put this in the toilet".

🤔

How are people handling vaccinated parents and unvaccinated kids?

Do you mean our parents (their grandparents) or their parents (us)?

My wife and I are vaccinated and we live with unvaccinated children. We are extremely unlikely to infect them, and they are extremely unlikely to infect us.

Vaccinated grandparents can socialize with their unvaccinated grandchildren. They are extremely unlikely to infect one another, in any direction.

If there is any potential trouble it comes from cousins, I guess. Like, the under-16 crowd being allowed to cross-socialize because all the adults in their life are vaccinated. But they're effectively in a bubble with everyone in their respective schools, which could entail thousands of people.

Our unvaxxed six year old has seen all 6 of his double-vaxxed grandparents in the last two weeks inside and with no hesitation on our part. He’s not going to hangout with any other kids though unless we know they’ve been isolated for a while - so contact with his cousins who have been in school all year.

I place no restrictions on who my kids can see at this point. I have them wear masks inside when with other kids (or unvaxxed adults but that doesn't happen anymore). I have them mask outside depending on my perception of the comfort level of the other parents (which can be tough to gauge and tends to lead to erring on the side of masks) even though I find masks outside totally unnecessary.

I should also note that I wasn't that worried about my kids getting it based on how uncommon it is for children to have severe symptoms, but we were cautious anyway, and then one of them did get it (and probably both - the other tested negative but had identical symptoms), and as would be statistically expected it was extremely mild, like a cold that came and went in a couple days with no effects lingering more than a week.

When I say cautious I mean that we didn't take them into stores or restaurants and that all playdates were outside and masked, and we had zero indoor gatherings. We made one mistake which was that we rented an airbnb and then one day decided to try skiing at a small nearby mountain, never having done it and thinking "safe outdoor activity." What we didn't realize was that we'd be indoors getting rentals for an extended period of time with people not really observing distance or wearing masks properly, and that's where I think they picked it up.

I keep a close eye on the stats and adjust my caution accordingly. Last week there were 20 cases per 100,000 in our local authority area so I’m pretty comfortable taking our son to see his (double vaccinated) grandparents even if he’s mixing with plenty of others at school, playgrounds, Beavers and gymnastics club. I’d feel differently if the numbers were a lot higher, or if we were in a surge testing area for the Brazilian or South African variant.

Likewise. Our rates are really low at the moment, 13 per 100,000 last week. We're still only meeting outside, either with (vaccinated) family or friends in similar situation to us, and haven't actually done it very much so far. I'm pretty relaxed in general about being outside in uncrowded places, generally moving around etc.
I got vaccinated last week and once it kicks in I'm going to the hairdressers for the first time in a year and booking the family in for dentist checkups.

My daughter and a friend spent some outside time together last week, generally staying masked. They came inside for dinner, but it seemed like a manageable risk level given that we're fully vaccinated and the kids were masked except while eating. It would have been better if we had eaten outside, but the weather didn't cooperate.

my kids are going back to day care in a month and then to school a couple months later, so we've fully accepted that there's gonna be some risk and it's out of our hands. I have been trying to look at this rationally, it's easy to get very worked up about Covid since it's in the news all the time and literally ruined everyone's lives for over a year but I think the truth is that given how this affects (or rather, doesn't) kids I should probably be more worried about pneumonia or even just the regular old flu. it's kind of like how people get traumatized hearing about shootings constantly and when in public actively look for people with guns or "who here might go nuts" when the reality is their chances of getting into a fatal car wreck on the way home is probably higher. that said, I still don't want them around unvaccinated people. luckily the place I live got hit so hard in October and November that our infection rates are actually pretty low now.

yup. And I know this is all anecdotal evidence, but in addition to my own, I now know a bunch of kids who have had it, all extremely mild except one high school student who had a moderate case but not like "should we go to the hospital?" bad. None of these kids have after-effects either.

A similar analogy might be how we tend to get anxious during plane takeoff/landing/turbulence when statistically we have more reason to be nervous on a highway.

sorry my question a while ago was unclear

How are people handling vaccinated parents and unvaccinated kids?

should have been: how are people handling their being vaccinated but their kids not.

i feel like things aren't really changing for us yet even though all adults (parents and grandparents are vaccinated).

parks etc. were already open and the one that's old enough for daycare has been back for a while. i have no desire to go to a restaurant with kids in these circumstances. and the kind of place we'd take our (very young) kids for activities (museums, etc.) don't seem like they're going to open soon in a way that is pleasant to attend.

and that's assuming we weren't worried about the risks to ourselves and others. which we are. the risks are lower than they were where we live, but the CDC is still requiring masks for unvaccinated kids in the same situations they're recommending them for unvaccinated adults for a reason.

so our getting vaccinated in the last week or two has been kind of an anticlimax.

My kids graduated from middle school yesterday, if you can even believe it.

https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51211169913_e99f5bf470_c.jpg

The dog still has a lot to learn

Celebrated first day of summer with our traditional ice cream breakfast:
https://i.imgur.com/8eUF9VA.jpg

congrats on the graduations!

nice pics

for those of you with kids old enough to have significant amounts of homework: how closely do you monitor that homework is getting done on time and at an appropriate quality level?
we've generally been pretty hands-on with our 10-year-old, reminding them about assignments and deadlines, but this has turned into a big source of stress for everyone over the past couple of years. the kid says we're nagging them too much and gets furious if we suggest they need to use their time more wisely/not have distractions while working/put more effort into their work/etc. and we are constantly stressed about them hitting their deadlines and annoyed that they don't seem to have any of their own motivation to do a good job.
in any case, what we've been doing hasn't been working. there are constant arguments and their grades still aren't amazing (the issue isn't them getting bad grades on assignments but on them "forgetting" to do things or turning them in late). they're starting sixth grade after the summer and that feels too old for us to be holding their hand through everything. i want to just set expectations at the beginning of the school year and then tell them they're in charge of doing their own work on time, that we're available to help if they need it but we won't be proactively monitoring their work, and that if their grades don't meet expectations then we'll have to set up tutoring time (which they will probably see as a punishment). BUT i don't know if i can trust myself to abandon control to that degree. even though i probably should.

Once my kids got a bit older (like yours), I stopped hand-holding entirely, and just switched to looking at their grades. They want to get good graders, so they do their work. Their school isn't very difficult, though.

Homework is mostly bullshit, but so are jobs.

I have one kid in a school that doesn't have homework, and one in a school that does. They're both doing fine.

really want i want them to get out of this is to learn to develop strategies for multitasking/organizing/breaking down big projects, which is useful in pretty much any job or endeavor

feeling you on your initial post, NA, as well as your reasoning about developing those executive function skills. Don't have a lot of answers but I think what we're trying to do with our 9-year-old is create routines that scaffold the skill-building we want to see so it's as painless as possible. i wish i had more details but this year was such a shitshow we'll probably be figuring most of it out in august as we prepare for september.

really want i want them to get out of this is to learn to develop strategies for multitasking/organizing/breaking down big projects, which is useful in pretty much any job or endeavor

This is a noble goal and I commend you.

That said, I'm 50 years old and I am at the peak of my career and I have... checks notes none of that. I manage with a combination of improvisation, procrastination, dumb luck, seniority, and quick thinking.

Lazy parent head: homework is a test of the parents as much as the kid; it's a pain in the arse and causes too many fights. They'll invariably get detentions if they don't do it and can catch up then.

Teacher head: 95% of what I set is shite and is waaay more trouble than it's worth. Most (if not all) kids do their best work in school. I always try to set stuff that provides discussion for the start of the next lesson.

When I've spoken to parents who are struggling with kids for whatever reason and they say how often they fight over homework my response is generally along the lines of 'don't fight over it - if they're generally keeping up and scribbling it on a cigarette packet during registration, so be it'.

I guess this is just sort of a parenting win post - I feel like I have done a lot of things wrong as a parent, but one thing I have done consistently is to emphasize that you can get better at anything with consistent practice, that you should never say "I'm bat at ___" only "I can improve at ___" etc., and that determination goes a long way.

My older one, K, was delayed physically - not severely but enough that she got physical therapy and occupational therapy. I knew from my own childhood that physical delays can really hurt self-esteem so I made an extra point of emphasizing practice with her, knowing it might take her a little more practice than some kids to get things down. Early on I saw that it was getting through to her - she would do monkey bars over and over again every day at the playground, first maybe only one or two rungs, then three, then four, eventually all the way, even if other kids might pick it up faster. I emphasized not giving up. This was something I learned myself later in life - that I could overcome a lot of what I had once thought were innate physical problems with a little extra work. For example, while I never played organized basketball, as an adult I started practicing regularly and took a course, and actually started to hold my own in pickup games.

This year (she's 9) a neighbor invited K to join a CYO basketball team, her first team sport ever (and she doesn't even have much experience in basketball). She wanted to do it, so I said ok (CYO is more competitive vs our local rec league, so I was a little nervous for her). She is tall for her age, fwiw. First couple of practices and games were tough for her - any kid with as little experience as her would be confused on the court and she tends to be even slower to process than some kids. I was concerned she would get discouraged, and I didn't want to pressure her, but I did my best to keep emphasizing the message of "Just keep practicing, you will get better, you will get used to it," etc. I told her she had to finish the season because she committed, but that after that she could decide if she wanted to continue.

Third game yesterday, and the team, advertised as being their age, looked about two grades older. In spite of this, K got her first rebound and took her first shot in game!She told me on the way home that she really loved the game and really wants to continue with CYO and doesn't want to do rec league. On top of that, the coach told me she has a great shooting touch and he has "no doubt" she will be a big contributor once she gets used to playing and the game slows down for her. I'm trying really hard to walk that line of not becoming "one of those youth sports dads" but it was the most exciting basketball game I've ever watched in my life.

man alive that is an awesome story! Congratulations on your message getting through and paying dividends. I also have a 9-year-old daughter who isn't necessarily a natural athlete, and I hope I can follow your example as she hopefully explores team sports in the years to come (she wanted to play softball this year but we couldn't make it work with COVID and school schedule and such).

Great stuff, if there's one thing I'd like my kids to learn it's that. Well maybe that and don't be a dickhead.

That's really great. A good reminder for me as a not particularly active person, and to instill in my kids too. It's great with kids to see them improving before your eyes, or even when it doesn't look like they are, something clicks!

I bought my son a drum set last summer. Just some cheap $200 generic thing that was sitting in one of his friend's basements. We cleared a spot for it and...then it just sat there. He said that he was practicing when we weren't home, but I didn't really believe him because it's the pandemic and somebody was home most of the time. Bought him a new hi-hat and stand for it last xmas, as well as new tom heads. He put it all together, but again, I never saw evidence that he was practicing on it at all.

Anyway, finally in the past week he has brought a friend into our house (which he NEVER does because he is too embarrassed of us) and they are trying to figure out drum stuff together. It's nice.

We went to my wife’s grandfather’s graveside service last weekend, first death related thing where the 6.5yo will understand things for the most part. While pulling into the cemetery we realized we had to explain that there would be a “minister” who will say things called “prayers” and probably mention “Jesus” but not use it as an expletive. He was fascinated by everyone saying the Lords Prayer together and wondered how everyone knew the words (except people like me who grew up nominally catholic and don’t know the last part).

My 10-year-old daughter had a younger friend whose family moved away last year. I think he's maybe 8 at this point, but also acts even younger sometimes due to what I think are developmental problems of some sort. In the months before the family moved, my daughter had a bit of a falling-out with him and then the quarantine happened. They played together again once during the week before he left the state, and had a decent time, but she has grown apart from him.

He has called a few times since then, and while she has taken a couple of his calls, the past few times he has tried to get in touch, she has not had any interest in talking to him. And I'm fine with that. I have told him that she is busy and that I needed to keep my phone clear. But I think I might need to put a stop to him trying to call her. I think I just need to ring his mother (whose phone he uses to call) and have her talk to him about it.

Anyone else have any ideas?

I am one of you now! My daughter was born June 23rd; she is amazing; I am v tired!

Congrats!

whooooooo

congrats horseshoe!

congrats to you...you will barely even remember the way life was a month ago :)

Congratulations!

omg yes!!

now you will have more time to post on ilx :)

Massive congratulations!

Yay!

babby is formed

Hooray and congrats! Please reach out if you need any entirely useless advice that is based on my flawed perception that I know what works generally with children and haven't just had random luck based on my own kids.

thanks, guys! we’re sort of struggling with feeding right now. Baby was slow to gain weight, but we had a good gain at the pediatrician’s today. I am *anxious* about my milk supply and her ability to transfer it. right now we’re supplementing with formula…part of me wants a voice from the heavens to tell me it’s okay to stop trying with breastfeeding, but I’m going to see how it goes up until she hits six weeks and reevaluate. if anyone had similar experiences, i’d love to hear how it went. (if people can even remember the first six weeks!)

Congratulations, welcome to the gang! I remember with breastfeeding at the start that it was a case of little and often. Babbies’ stomachs are the size of a golf ball so you’re not going to get tons in there. That’s why they wake up every couple of hours needing a refill, darn their tiny toes. It’s weird to begin with, not knowing how much breast milk you’re actually producing - your boobs don’t have a measure on the side like a bottle! But try not to freak out too much. Also, all babies lose weight in the couple of weeks after birth, so don’t worry too much about that either. Hahaha I’m saying don’t worry but if you’re anything like me you’ll worry about everything, forever and ever. I’m a total cheapskate so I was very happy to provide milk free of charge for my son, and the weight loss was a big bonus. The day I stopped breastfeeding it all went back on…

I will pass on the best bit of parenting advice I ever received: just do whatever works. I’d add to trust yourself to know what works (and whether it’s more important to have something that works in the short-term at the expense of the long-term). Enjoy it, good luck with the sleep deprivation, cuddle the heck out of that little thing while you can.

have you met with a good lactation consultant? i know that was incredibly helpful for my wife, someone who could physically observe latch position, etc, and help to adjust

we definitely had a similar situation with our older kid and had to supplement with formula, with the resultant unnecessary guilt. second kid was also on formula part-time because they were in day care during the day after they were two months old. you shouldn't feel bad about whatever you decide to do, as long as the baby is growing - this phase of their getting most of their nutrition from milk won't last long (relatively)

i think often the best lactation advice is just “it’s okay, everybody’s probably doing it right”

i think i have told the absurd story of our first night at home with our first kid and thinking that he wasn’t getting any milk because he kept crying and crying and we weren’t sure about “the latch” and it was a sunday night and raining and everything was closed and took a taxi back to the hospital to get some formula like a maniac and then realised i hadn’t brought any money so of course the cabbie drove off, leaving me there, so i literally RAN home with a box of formula in my hand like it was Marathon and the kingdom depended on my return and when i got back, dripping wet, everyone was asleep. the latch was fine, everything was fine.