fuck cancer

Hey onimo, that sounds like a lot to deal with. From my understanding there is a lot of weird shit to be expected while the brain recovers from surgery, even small changes in the shape of the tissue, how fluid circulates, etc., alter the fine details of activity. Disowning a body part is a well described thing which happens to a lot of people - of course that doesn't make it feel less weird. Same for it being an effort to attend to part of the visual world, I could almost guess which parts of the brain got disturbed from your description.
If you're able to tolerate an audiobook, Villanur Ramachandran and Sandra Blakeslee wrote a good one about how our sense of ourselves as physical beings ties in to brain functions, it might be enlightening or reassuring. Audiobooks have it and they claim you can listen for free during a 30 day trial:
https://www.audiobooks.com/audiobook/phantoms-in-the-brain-probing-the-mysteries-of-the-human-mind/242959

Thanks, I've been toying with taking up audiobooks for a few weeks so I might look at a trial. I was thinking about the Oliver Sacks book "The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat" the other day while contemplating my unnecessary leg.

FWIW onimo, based on your posts tonight, i would be extremely hard pressed to guess you were having any cognitive difficulties at all!

xp the Ramachandran/Blakeslee has a similar pitch to Hat (although less humanist it must be said), but deals with pertinent stuff like body image, phantom limbs, etc., throughout.

It's good to see you back here anyway, and yeah with no outward sign (other than, you know, your contribution on this thread) that anything's up.

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time Onimo. My partner has some similar symptoms you described above, caused by brain lesions/myelin damage from the MS and it sure can be rough at times. But like others have said your posting is always spot on. That old audiobookbay dot nl is my fave audiobook resource fwiw

this sounds like a hell of a lot onimo, i'm sorry and it sucks, and i sincerely hope 2021 is a year of recovery, tho it might take a stupid amount of time and emotional fuckery, you can beat this fucker

Wishing you strength and hoping as many of these end up resolving as possible. Also, I bet your writing is better than mine by a long shot.

Onimo, glad to see you here. I just want to chime in that you must be patient with yourself and your precious noggin, and that this patience is one of the great frustrations and gifts that being ill gave to me.

Just saw this thread. Had no idea, Onimo. Best wishes to you and lots of good vibes and prayers for you.

Cheers mate & everyone else for being so nice

Just remembered another weird symptom: bad lip syncing - sometimes people are speaking to me and there's an eye-brain delay which makes everyone look like they're in a badly dubbed film.

Those all sound frightening onimo, rooting for you to recover well

Best wishes in recovery, onimo.

Yes, agree with everything said, hopefully these are all temporary and you are back to normal in the very near future x

onimo, your equanimity in the face of all those symptoms is astounding. I will echo what others have said, that whatever struggles you had in typing out your posts, they are perfectly fluent and coherent. I hope you recover soon and completely!

re the lip sync thing, it’s something our brain has to work on all the time because the senses report info at slightly different times (e.g. vision is a bit late, and it varies between night and day) and it can slip out of sync a bit under normal conditions. So I’d just think of that as a sign your brain is under a heavy workload - which it sure is, given the amount of re-routing that recovery involves.

Onimo and I so struck by your insight into your symptoms and your knack for describing them! "Not My Leg" especially. There is a book in this should you ever want to revisit this experience, I would love to read it!

hey Onimo I’m just a random guy on the Internet but wanted to send you all good wishes for your recovery, and also say thanks for sharing your insights and experiences

a good friend of mine had a tumor removed not long after you did - he’s still a bit confused - reading your posts has really helped get a (broad) sense of the kind of things that might be going on for him

Hullo!

Most of my weird symptoms have gone or improved in the last couple of weeks so most must have been after effects of the surgery. My leg is my leg again!

I had a horrible panic a few days ago when I couldn't read for an hour or so and convinced myself it was permanent.

I started a 10 week drug trial on Friday and started 6 weeks of daily radiotherapy yesterday. I felt rotten yesterday (brutal tiredness and nausea) and I was struggling to face months of feeling that way but today is much better so it's a bit easier if I know it won't all be bad days.

Glad some of the troubling symptoms resolved and you are feeling more up for the fight. Wishing you the best.

That’s great to hear about the symptom resolution onimo, hoping the treatment goes well for you

When I had chemo/radiation as a kid, my favourite thing to eat was tapioca pudding. That or scratch-made custard will see you right, Onimo.

Good to hear good things from you onimo

When I had chemo/radiation as a kid, my favourite thing to eat was tapioca pudding. That or scratch-made custard will see you right, Onimo.

― scampopo (suzy), Tuesday, 12 January 2021 12:27 (twenty-eight minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

I remember my mum giving me tapioca pudding when I had measles as it helped relieve mouth ulcers so that makes sense for radiation too.

I don’t remember mouth ulcers but I do remember not wanting to eat a lot of different foods because they made me nauseous. I couldn’t bear fat on meat, dark poultry meat, egg yolks, mayo, canned tuna, squash, yams, or Boston baked beans, plus I couldn’t have raw carrots (which I loved) because they gave me doubled-over stomach cramps. I still won’t eat squashes or canned oily fish apart from anchovies.

positive news! great to hear!

Great stuff Onimo!

Most of my weird symptoms have gone or improved in the last couple of weeks so most must have been after effects of the surgery. My leg is my leg again!

Hooray for correctly-owned legs! Thanks for keeping us posted onimo, glad you're recovering well.

welcome back!

Good news. :)

yay for disappearing symptoms

glad to hear it onimo!

Wonderful to hear!

Yep, keep us updated, onimo!

good stuff

Glad to hear that, man!

Onimo! <3

Yay, onimo!

that’s so good to hear, onimo, wishing you strength and peace and plenty of good days during your treatment

go onimo!

Good to hear from you, onimo!

As I've previous said, chemo.rad is different for everyone and every targeted body part, but believe it or not, probably the worst part of radiation for me was having to go in to an office...every...day...for...months...to have radioactive beams targeted at my body. The actual radiation itself is whatever, and I was lucky to not have many bad side effects— but the fact that one is dragging oneself into a basement room to have this wild shit done to one's body for months is much more harrowing than I ever imagined. By the end, I'd walk into the waiting room and I'd just want to smash the fucking TVs.

Anyway, please keep us updated, and sending you much good feeling <3

Great news onimo! <3

glad to hear you're feeling better onimo and thanks for letting us know!

I know 87 is not exactly a life cut short*, but two months ago my wonderful aunt Jeanie felt some odd abdominal pains, one month ago she was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer, and last Sunday she passed away at home. I guess this is just as much a Fuck Covid post - since I live far from Minnesota now, and we're in a pandemic, I did not get to see her, and it's sinking in that I never will see her again. She was a fucking legit midwesterner like they don't make anymore. RIP Aunt Jeanie.

https://www.ohalloranmurphy.com/obituary/Jean-Brookins

*my mom is 92 though and this is her baby sister ffs, so yeah, too soon

That's rough about not getting to visit, Jon, and I'm sorry for your loss.

My condolences, Jon. RIP.

Sounds like an extraordinary woman, based on that obituary. Condolences.

Sending condolences Jon.

And yes, fuck covid for making everyone's grief worse

So sorry, Jon.

condolences to you and your family jon