Your favourite jokes about My Bloody Valentine

Kevin Shields goes up to a DJ and after rummaging through his records he makes a request. The DJ smiles and nods and then puts on 'This is your bloody valentine' by MY BLOODY VALENTINE. Kevin Shields listens for 2 minutes until he goes quite red in the face, and then he climbs into the booth and smashes the decks over head of the hapless wax-meister. 'Why did you do that?' asks the DJ, and Kevin Shields says 'I said "have you got any MY BLOODY VALENTINE?"' to which the DJ says, yeah, but that is! to which Kevin shields says "THISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISISTHISIS YOUR BLOODY VALENTINE'

A: It has a good punchline (Sueisfine)!

Q: What's the secret of a good My Bloody Valentine joke?
A: When You Wake You're Still in a Dream

("(When You Wake) You're Still in a Dream" is a song by My Bloody Valentine)!

What is My Bloody Valentine's favourite day?

Valetine's Day! (My Bloody Valentine)

A: Timing!

-- Kevin Shields, Tuesday, 24 June 2026 15:13 (18 yrs hence) Bookmark Link

One for our US cousins: Your favourite jokes about the NFL

Q: What is My Bloody Valentine's favourite act of mass murder?
A: The St Valentine's Day Massacre! (My Bloody Valentine)!

What is My Bloody Valentine's favourite motorbike riding guy?
Valentino Rossi (My Bloody Valentine)!

A rabbit goes into a butchers and says 'Have you got any carrots?'. 'No,' replies the butcher, 'we haven't. This is a butchers. We sell meat, not vegetables.' The rabbit leaves the shop.

The next day the rabbit comes in and asks the same question: 'Have you got any carrots?'. The exasperated butcher gives the same reply. This continues for some time. On the seventh day, when confronted by the same question from the persistent rabbit, the butcher finally loses his patience and screams 'If you come in here ask me that again I'm gonna nail your fucking ears to the floor!'. The rabbit looks rather frightened and leaves.

To the butcher's great annoyance the rabbit returns the following. Nervously, the rabbit asks "Have you got any nails?". "No!" says the butcher. Visibly relaxing the rabbit says "Great - have you got any carrots then?".

(My Bloody Valentine are persistent rabbits)

Where do My Bloody Valentine like to go on holiday?
Maybloodyvalentinethorpe! (Mablethorpe)

Why do MBV play so loud?

So the Jesus and Mary Chain can hear them.

No more, USA peeps?

Q: Why did Billinda Butcher leave crumbs under your pillow?
A: Cos the singer ate in your bed! ('Cigarette in your bed' is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: How does Kevin Shields keep from going deaf at My Bloody Valentine concerts?

A: Kevin Shields his ears!

Kevin Shields is in a bar and suddenly finds the seat next to him occupied by a grasshopper, who orders a beer. The bartender looks at the grasshopper and says "Hey you know, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper furrows his brow and replies "Really? A drink named Fred?"

Q: What is the difference between the Greek letter R and the drummer of My Bloody Valentine?

A: One is a rho, the other is a Colm!

Q: What's the difference between the guitar player from MBV and a wholesale flour merchant?
A: One of them is Billinda Butcher and the other one in billin' da baker (billing the baker)!

What records would be appropriate to play at a memorial service for a member of My Bloody Valentine?

Cremation Records! (Cremation Records was the record label of My Bloody Valentine!) (No actually it was Creation Records!)

Q: What is the difference between the Greek letter R and the drummer of My Bloody Valentine?

A: One is a rho, the other is a Colm!

this took me like 40 seconds

Q: Why were George Carlin's dying words "Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and My Bloody Valentine"?

A: Because My Bloody Valentine were the tits!

*Knock-knock*

Kevin Shields: "Who is it?"

Dave: "Its Dave man! Will you open up, I got the stuff with me!"

Kevin Shields: "Who?"

Dave: "Dave man, open up!"

Kevin Shields: "Dave?"

Dave: "Yeah Dave, come on man open up I think the cops saw me!"

Kevin Shields: "Dave's not here"

Hey this is a true story!

I was wearing a My Bloody Valentine tshirt and my mum asked me if my girlfriend made it for me for Valentine's day.
"No mum" I said, "They're a band!" (My Bloody Valentine are also a band)

Q: who is directing the film Chinese Democracy: the Kevin Shields Story

A: Terence Malick

Q: what was the original name of My Bloody Valentine

A: my bloody Dalkon Shields

Q: What's Kevin Shields' laugh like?

A: LOooOOooooooOOOoOOOOOOOOOOooL!

What is My Bloody Valentine's favourite song by the Auteurs?
Lenny Valentino! (My Bloody Valentine)

This is seriously the best thread on ILM

(My Bloody Valentine)

Q: Why did My Bloody Valentine go to Israel?
A: To apologise for "the Holocaust" (the Holocaust is a noisy piece of music that is just like the Nazi genocide of six million Jews!)

Q: Why did David Irvine unplug My Bloody Valentine's PA system?
A: Because he is a holocaust denier (My Bloody Valentine)!

what is my bloody valentine's favourite drug?

ecstasy! (ecstasy is the name of a mini album by my bloody valentine)

Q: Under what trademark does the drummer from My Bloody Valentine advertise his line of carrying bags for snooker equipment?

A: The Colmo Cue Sack! (Colm O'Ciosoig is the drummer in My Bloody Valentine)

Q: What did Kevin Shields say when one of his bandmates took his favourite bedtime drink?
A: Who just stole my bloody Ovaltine (My Bloody Valentine)!

Q: What is My Bloody Valentine's favourite Italian fashion brand?

A: Goodgi!

Q: what does mr. shields say when he goes to a bar in the usa?
A: i'll have a Sudsy Ballantine Ale, with a Ballantine's chaser!

Q: Who is Kevin Shields favourite former Cabinet Minister?
A: Mike Bloody Heseltine (My Bloody Valentine)!

Q: Who is Kevin Shields favourite current Cabinet Minister?
A: Jack 'Straw-berry Wine'! ('Strawberry Wine' is a record by My Bloody Valentine!)
A: Gordon 'Brown A Wish'! ('Blown A Wish' is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)
A: Hilary 'To Here Knows Benn'! ('To Here Knows When' is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)
A: Peter 'To Here Knows Hain'! ('To Here Knows When' is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)
A: Hazel 'To Blears Knows When'! ('To Here Knows When' is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)
A: Geoff 'Hoon Song'! ('Moon Song' is a song by My Bloody Valentine - about the moon!)
A: None of them - they're all cunts (My Bloody Valentine)!

Q: Why did Kevin Shields' mom send him to his room all the time when he was a little kid?
A: Because he was always making too much noise!

(Kevin Shields' band, My Bloody Valentine, are a legendarily noisy rock and roll band)

Q: What is Kevin Shields' favourite David Bowie album?
A: "Black Tie, White Noise"

(Kevin Shields loves making white noise with his band My Bloody Valentine. He also likes wearing tuxedos)

Q: What did Elizabeth Bathory say when she met Kevin Shields?
A: Feed Me With Your Kids ('Feed Me With Your Kiss' is a song by My Bloody Valentine)!

Q: What do you call a dinosaur that likes My Bloody Valentine?
A: J Mascis! (Dinosaur Jr. are a shoegaze band that stole their sound from My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: How do you dance like Bilinda Butcher?
A: You 'butcher' left leg in, your left leg out, in out, in out, shake it all about! (the Hokey-Cokey was a dance craze invented by My Bloody Valentine!)

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The father says, "Sir, if you just let me tell you about our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. Go ahead."

"Ok well the show starts out with my daughter and son. You see my daughter has pretty big tits and my sons a drummer so he plays a little solo on her tits...with his dick. Then i come out with my wife and stick my dick in her ass. I hit different spots inside of her to get different sounds. We all start playing the theme song to pop-eye the sailor man . Then my sons pops one in my daughters eye. Our dog comes out and licks off the cum while he shits runny diarrhoea. My wife then rubs it on her tits where i draw the mona lisa with my cock while my daughter eats my ass and the my son fucks her in the ass. We all come one more time with the dog coming on top of all our faces whistling the I love Lucy theme song.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "My Bloody Valentine!"

Why doesn’t Kevin Shields need a driver's license?
Because there’s no road between the kitchen and bedroom!

OMFG @ this thread.

I kept laughing at this:

Q. Why isn't diving allowed at My Bloody Valentine's swimming baths?
A. It's Only Shallow (Only Shallow is a song by My Bloody Valentine)!

But the Colmo Cue Sack is my new favourite.

which arabic MBV fan is acquainted with an ex England football manager?

Tahir knows Sven (To Here Knows When is a song by My Bloody Valentine. Sven Goran Erickson was a bloke who did football or something)

Ken Livingstone: Doctor, every time I listen to My Bloody Valentine, my face grows two-feet long and I get an overwhelming urge to eat ants.
Doctor: Yes, I'm afraid you've got Tapir-Nose, Ken (To Here Knows When)!

Q: What did Belinda and Kevin drink together before having sex?
A: Strawberry wine. (Strawberry Wine is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Kevin say to Belinda when they were making out before sex?
A: "Feed me with your kiss." (Feed Me With Your Kiss is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Belinda say when she felt Kevin's erection when they were making out?
A: "I can see it (but I can't feel it). (I Can See It (But I Can't Feel It) is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: How did Belinda describe herself right before having sex with Kevin?
A: "Emptiness inside." (Emptiness Inside is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Kevin say when he had sex with Belinda?
A: "Soft as snow (but warm inside)." (Soft As Snow (But Warm Inside) is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Belinda say when she was talking dirty to Kevin during sex?
A: "(Please) lose yourself in me." ((Please) Lose Yourself In Me is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Kevin say when he was talking dirty to Belinda during sex?
A: "Drive it all over me." (Drive It All Over Me is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Belinda say when she was getting tired of sex?
A: "Lose my breath." (Lose My Breath is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Kevin say when Belinda asked when he was going to climaxed during sex?
A: "Soon." (Soon is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Belinda say to Kevin right before he climaxed during sex?
A: "Cupid come." (Cupid Come is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Kevin say to Belinda when he pulled out and climaxed during sex?
A: "Swallow." (Swallow is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Belinda suggest after sex with Kevin was over?
A: "Cigarette in your bed." (Cigarette In Your Bed is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What was Belinda thinking after sex with Kevin?
A: "Never say goodbye." (Never Say Goodbye is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What was Kevin thinking after sex with Belinda?
A: "(You're) safe in your sleep (from this girl)." ((You're) Safe In Your Sleep (From This Girl) is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Knock knock
...
Knock knock
...
KNOCK KNOCK
...

(Matt #2 is still deaf from the My Bloody Valentine show last night. My Bloody Valentine are legendary for the high volume of their performances)