Blue Saturday

This thread is good.

it is

I've had a really shit day that was an endurance test to say the least and came quite close to committing abh on my garbage neighbour who was shouting violent threats through the wall at my partner, who has bruises on her arm after my son attacked her whilst having a noisy meltdown while I was out for 10 minutes. That kind of shit day. But I do actually quite enjoy life, even the kind of reduced one I currently live and don't really suffer from clinical depression tbh and in some ways I live quite a charmed existence compared to some. But I did shout some violent threats back at the cunt that I will break his legs with my lump hammer if he ever pisses me off again, which is not behaviour that is conducive to a general feeling of happiness tbqh! Just an approximate fuck all of humanity blues is what I'm feeling today. But I do feel much better now.

i'm glad you got it out of your system

here's a long stupid blogpost about whether "Kieth" is a slur

https://www.thesocialreview.co.uk/2020/12/01/call-me-by-your-name-keith/

omg that really is becoming a thing

it's a playground smash

Hope you and the family stay safe from neighbourly threats calz

That stuff would really worry me as I've never really grown out of ESCALATION in those situations

I know it's very hard to be calm and reasoned sometimes, even when you know you should rise above the situation and you are clever enough to know nothing good will come from acting acting as bad as the dickheads you are dealing with.

Counting wasted time this morning. Like I shouldn't regret a minute of GTA in my whole life because I love it but it's a lot of fucking minutes and I think I spent a fair few of them looking for pigeons.

I'm going to count all that I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here time as quality time binding with the children.

Watching Gordon Ramsay bullying bad chefs into worse chefs I need to write off.

So many shite books.

what else is time for but wasting?

Oh I know just kinda wish I was a bit more selective sometimes

You and me both pal

I'm sweating the small stuff again.
Why do I do that?

I have actually fucking big stuff here I should be paying attention to.

Fight problems with bigger problems

Sometimes boredom is just a nice soothing balm. Today was a good nothing day of not much before my nerves start ramping up before my surgery on Thursday.

I got to wave to my wife who was standing next to some bins against a distant hospital wall. This is how we cope and connect in 2020.

I am listening to Low. Secret Name. Nice old Low before the ambition outweighed the melody.

My only experience of anything approaching your current situation was getting my broken ankle screwed back together and I was very scared in the build up to that little minor procedure and when I came around Saddam Hussein was getting executed on one channel and on another was a very lame Four Feathers remake with that twat from the BT advert and Heath Ledger. Sorry I know none of this is helpful, but I'm rooting for you pal.

lol calz. i had a massive lung tumour (“about the size of a small football” was what my south african do doctor amusingly said), which for a couple of weeks they thought was *possibly* malignant and therefore i might die. then an MRI scan showed it to be a benign nerve tumour inside my rib cage. still needed to be removed. had eight hour surgery, and woke up in ICU next to a v old dude, similarly full of tubes and wires. it was the 2008 olympics and as they started helping us to get up and walk me and old fella re-enacted the 100m sprint across the icu floor. it wasn’t 100m and it took about ten minutes and we both had to rest for about ten hours after.

still that two weeks was *weird* to say the least.

i’ve been thinking about you, and wishing you the best onimo. best of luck.

I am blessed with a very visual memory. I can usually instantly "see" the face of anyone I know.
I can also dip in an out of photographic memories and times on demand like a slide sorter.
I can even do all this to music in my head like a crappy online movie maker.

I've never thought of this as something of note or something that should have a name but tonight it is known as "Gerry's life repeatedly flashing before his eyes!"

Some great photos though...

onimo, i have been thinking of you very much and i wish you the absolute best for your surgery. you’ve been a hugely likeable and valuable presence on ilx for many years and even though i don’t know you in person i have a great affection for you

otm

thank you estala

I think my ilx life has been fairly vanilla in lots of ways as my work has kind of steered me away from being overly controversial politically. I'm often surprised people even notice me.

I try not be nasty and I really value the people here. It's a nice little corner of the internet to hide in.

I try not be nasty and I really value the people here

Words to ILX by. I salute you, onimo.

Echoing all thew above; rooting hard for you man, stay strong.

Onimo you are a gem (and one of only two people on here my husband has had a go at me for being mean to)! I wished you luck in the cancer thread but just generally wanted to say here, it’s a really nice little corner of the internet despite my occasional misgivings and you are a very welcome and lovely presence around the place.

Wishing you all the very best for your surgery today, onimo! Hope all goes well and best wishes for a swift recovery.

("onimo you are a gem" and "it's a nice little corner of the internet to hide in" both very otm)

Wishing you all the very best for your surgery today, onimo! Hope all goes well and best wishes for a swift recovery.

("onimo you are a gem" and "it's a nice little corner of the internet to hide in" both very otm)

Warm wishes onimo, bathe in the healing powers of ilx

to not wallow in self pity

or to not show it

one of those would be the trick

i feel like there's a time for wallowing and it has a place. tho i live on my own which makes that much easier. still, your loved ones will understand that sometimes you've got to go where the tide of feelings takes you, i'm sure. it's just time, imo, can't squish all those feelings away, especially since they're entirely reasonable right now. but time. the tide will change. til then small distractions either liquid or whatever distracts, as necessary.

I think I need to squish things at least until we tuck Christmas away.

Weird sleep and mood patterns going on, a 3 hour since my last post has me genuinely feeling much better.

I am watching a BBC nature thing and pondering whether a narwhal has ever accidentally stabbed one of his/her mates.

3 hour *sleep*

you know that narwhal tusk is an overgrown tooth right? has always made me wince a bit since i found that at

sleep fuckery makes me super-volatile anyway

you know that narwhal tusk is an overgrown tooth right?

Now I do!

It's easy to think of groups of animals all sharing goals, skills, characteristics, etc. but it's good to remember that the variances within that means that just like humans there will be useless clumsy fuckers turning the wrong way and impaling their neighbours.

i'm so fucking grateful for my ex

That's good. Hope Christmas wasn't too blue.

and suddely low again, after several days focused sense of cheerfully moving forward and getting things done:

— some of it is likely just flu-feeling caffeine hangover: i returned to coffee to finish a piece and i've quit again, this is day one of none ugh
— some of it lack of proper sleep for whatever reason
— didn't help waking to find my heart all palpitaty at 4 in the morning (which may mean nothing at all and may mean the return of my atrial flutter)
— some of is the post-partum slump of finishing a piece i liked at moment of completion and now think is bad and terrible lol writers what even are we
— and some is this: i was given the all-clear to reduce my beta-blockers 3 weeks ago & reached the advised minimum and yesterday was full of beans, energy all back mentally and physically
— so i'm bothered if reducing them allowed my flutter back bcz ffs (wait and see, wait and see)

Wait and see is good advice, but it’s the hardest thing when you’re so fucking anxious already. I have had scattered sleep and sporadic tightness in part of my chest which I’m fairly certain are related to anxiety atm, and I know in a week or so I’ll likely feel better, but it doesn’t help much to tell myself that this will pass. So sorry to hear you’re feeling low, am sure your piece will be great and looking forward to it getting posted on the Guardian thread 🤭

this bit of the year is full of emotional slumps and humps ime

love to all, wait and see, the real face of yr life is that cold soggy third week of Jan

Having a blue Saturday, recalled this thread, great. The tl;dr version is that am currently helpless to help sister at possibly the worst time in her life, so feeling angry and sad and useless, that I am going through years of bad behaviour towards loved ones and feeling guilty and angry at myself towards that, because I can’t see them and it physically hurts (at least this is the only source I can determine for the fact I have started clenching my jaw again, and generally yr usually pandemic weltschmerz of missing everyone and normal life, blah blah blah. Happy new year.

:(

Feel free to vent, if it helps.

Fwiw staying physically put is all we can do at the moment anyway, so there's no sense in beating yourself up over it, it's beyond our control.

started typing shit. no smart answers. yr sis is doing great things gyac and i'd guess she knows that, no clapping, no bullshit.

really tired of this lockdown and angry about how it could'v been done so much less badly.

but i've never appreciated our ilxor chums more, you too pom, blood sausage, people out here in the world thsnk fuck.

it could be worse, we could be locked into a capitalist death cult.

fuck's sake we'll get thru and what will survive of us is lurve.

also is slack knackered?

blue is the stoopidest colour

Amen to that, NV. If it's any comfort, my anger over how poorly the pandemic has been managed here in Quebec also grows by the hour, even though our government has yet to reach BoJo levels of yo-yo incompetence and lethal cynicism. If you discount the rest of Canada, which has done a much better job so far, our provincial figures are only slightly behind France's.

sad lol @ “you too pom” i love pom and you all too

important message

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L397TWLwrUU

lol gyac, yours is a twisted mind.

<3

i am not in such a bad way that i didn’t instinctively think “fuck off”, pom, especially as that was genuinely meant! an ilx fave for sure

Sorry, truly not meaning to be insulting, I’m not feeling very agape.