Rewrite the openings to famous novels in the style of John Lanchester

rereading the ilx lanchester threads for a thing (lol) i have concluded that JL also reads them: Rewrite the openings to famous novels in the style of John Lanchester

(and for those who never click links in the thread to the thread they're in):

"It was a quarter to midnight upon the evening of the 17th of April 1846 when, waking in the middle of a frightening thunderstorm and seeking solace in the arms of my surrogate parents, my mouth, hitherto silent, came to conflate what little comprehension my brain had of my deceased father's name, Pirrip, and my similar Christian name, Philip, resulting in my first utterance of the name, Pip, by which I came to be known."

― avant-garde, sissy bounce, zombie rave, aquacrunk, warlock, oceangrunge, (imago), Wednesday, 25 November 2015 11:35 (four years ago) bookmarkflaglink

I read Mr Phillips and thought it was a deliberate stylistic choice to reflect the inner voice of the pedantic and slightly pathetic lead character. Had no idea Lanchester always wrote like that.

"I am someone to whom - and on whom - illness has visited. I also, and this is worth remarking upon, for it serves to illuminate a facet of my psychology and therefore should not be mislaid or otherwise glanced over - I hold in reserve a measure of ill-feeling, like a mouthful of calvados knocking contemptuously around the bottom corner of a medium-sized Thermos."