the bizarre poetry of spam emails

from Change.org

[Content warning]: Kittens' spines snapped

Mother Poops Out 39 lbs of Pure Body Fat, Doctor is speechless

Be careful with that butter . The golden retriever loved the fireworks each Fourth of July. Thirty years later, she still thought it was okay to put the toilet paper roll under rather than over. The fish dreamed of escaping the fishbowl and into the toilet where he saw his friend go. The trick to getting kids to eat anything is to put catchup on it. She was amazed by the large chunks of ice washing up on the beach. He found the end of the rainbow and was surprised at what he found there. He kept telling himself that one day it would all somehow make sense. If eating three-egg omelets causes weight-gain, budgie eggs are a good substitute. She always had an interesting perspective on why the world must be flat. It didn't make sense unless you had the power to eat colors. She is never happy until she finds something to be unhappy about; then, she is overjoyed. Everyone was curious about the large white blimp that appeared overnight. Mary plays the piano. She says she has the ability to hear the soundtrack of your life. I would be delighted if the sea were full of cucumber juice. His son quipped that power bars were nothing more than candy bars. He was an introvert that extroverts seemed to love. The rain pelted the windshield as the darkness engulfed us. Pantyhose and heels are an interesting choice of attire for the . He liked to play with words in the bathtub. Eating eggs on Thursday for choir practice was recommended. If I don’t like something, I’ll stay away from it The Guinea fowl flies through the air with all the grace of a turtle. She wanted a pet platypus but ended up getting a duck and a instead. In hopes of finding out the truth, he entered the one-room library. Had he known what was going to happen, he would have never stepped into the shower. Gary didn't understand why Doug went upstairs to get one dollar bills when he invited him to go cow tipping. People generally approve of dogs eating cat food but not cats eating dog food. Going from child, to childish, to childlike is only a matter of time. He ran out of money, so he had to stop playing. The lyrics of the song sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard. Just go ahead and press that button. Even with the snow falling outside, she felt it appropriate to wear her bikini. I caught my squirrel rustling through my gym bag. She was too short to see over the fence. He was surprised that his immense laziness was inspirational to others. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. The group quickly understood that toxic waste was the most effective barrier to use against the zombies. There were white out conditions in the town; subsequently, the roads were impassable. The door swung open to reveal giraffes and red elephants.

I got one titles something like BLONDE MILF LOVES ROUGH GANGBANG - which makes me wonder if there's ever been like a tender, loving, erotic gangbang.

xp new display names for everyone!

You’ve never seen a smarter backpack

Greetings!

I have got two not really pleasant news for you.
I have been monitoring your internet activities for some time by now.

The only person to blame in this situation is you, since you are a big fan of adult websites and also have got an uncontrollable desire to indulge yourself with another orgasm.
Simply speaking, all your porn websites search requests have become a key to access your device.
The thing is that I word in a company that provides services related to security and performance of email providers, including hotmail.com as well.

During the pandemic outbreak a lot of providers have faced difficulties in maintaining a huge number of staff in their offices and so they have decided to use outsourcing instead.
While working remotely from home, I have got unlimited abilities to access the user databases.

I can easily decrypt passwords of users, access their chat history and online traffic with help of cookie-files.
I have decided to analyse users traffic related to adult websites and adult content.
I was truly shocked to discover that nearly 75% of users regularly access porn websites or participates in sex chats.

I have filtered out the worst perverts from the list. Yeah, you are one of them. Not everyone chooses to watch such hardcore videos…
Basically, I have infected your device with one of the best Trojan viruses in the market. It was relatively easy, since I have access to your email address.
It was sufficient to prepare one of your routine emails asking you to click the harmful link…

My spyware functions as a driver. Hence, I can fully control your device and have access to your microphone, camera, cursor and set of symbols.
Generally speaking, your device is some sort of my remote PC.
Since this spyware is driver-based, then I can constantly update its signatures, so that no antivirus can detect it.
While digging through your hard drive, I have saved your entire contact list, social media access, chat history and media files.

One week ago, I have montaged a videoclip, which shows you masturbating on one side of the screen and on the other side a porn video
that you were watching at that moment of time – recently this type of exotic stuff is really popular on the internet!
Don’t worry, I will need just a few mouse clicks in order to share this video with your entire contact list and upload it to some porn website, like Bigle.
I believe that you would not like this to happen, since a long holiday season is just about to start soon –
just imagine the number of silly jokes and loud laughter that would get provoked by your video all over the neighbourhood bars and pubs…

I am offering a simple and reasonable solution:
All you need to do is transfer an amount equivalent to $1150 (USA Dollars) to my bitcoin wallet and we both forget about this silly story forever.
All your data and this video will be deleted by me once and for all. You have my honest word!
You’ve got to agree, this amount is really insignificant. Just imagine how much time and resources I have spent to get this done…
If you don’t know how to operate the cryptocurrency – you can always search for assistance online. It is that simple.

Here is my bitcoin wallet (BTC): bc1qfnx5388zl4c4hpcdsjxj0tgcn2gd8pyrljg6s6

You have exactly 2 days (48 hours) from the moment of opening this email.
I can easily track when you have opened this email (my software will notify me about it). Once you complete the transaction – I will be able to see and confirm that.
Please, do not try replying me via this email – there is no point in that (as you can see the email is sent from your address).

Remember that there is no point to complain anywhere, since I cannot be found (Bitcoin system is anonymous and I am also using I2P network in order to access your device).
I have considered all the small details.
In case, if 48 hours after you have opened this email,
I still don’t receive the required amount of money, then your videoclip will be automatically sent to all your contact list and uploaded to public websites.

Good luck and please don’t hate me too much!

This is life! You are merely out of luck this time.
Who knows, maybe next time you will get lucky at something else…

I responded with my own Tommy Wiseau-like message:

Oh hi! I cannot believe you betray me like this. You know what they say, shame on me, now shame on you. I will not pay you this money. Life is beautiful! Good luck!

-N

Good idea to get out in front of the story imo

Me say day!
Sumerian mother goddess.
Then deport her.
Gold or garbage?
Flowery design which sprung from such crucifixion.
Forbidden fear is amusing.
Ugh hair dye.
Phone Numbers Trenton engine plant at sometime soon.
Into my quote good for?

Yea thats right.
Evelyn is a transpose of matrix data.
With potentially some cap space.
Assuming there is justice.
A spirit armed in gold.
Anyone learning to both real sorry that an addict as an infinitive.
Discuss early childhood today!

Beautiful outfit and cool personality.
Emergence in mind.
Southeastern this summer.
Garden spider in web.
Jesus walking on boardwalk.
Ghost tour absolutely awesome.
Busy holistic medical doctor and nurse to registered name.
Everybody involved is your assignment on companionship.

Erect and dismantle the old rainbow apple.
Long crossover cable?
Taking high style wearing caiman boots!
Can ground flaxseed onto salad.
Anton works mainly within the mirror.

(Strange search results i don't want to click on)

Some kind of ML generated SEO text?

More tactical than strategic.
Boycott everybody who applied!
How sour it is!
Stop politics as usual?
Everybody brace for ease of riding hood.

German experimental rocketry group.
Express delivery available!
Each zinnia is unique.
External chamber is cool buy a parrot.
Bach on harmonica!
Understand who may run away laughing.

New screen name fodder.

As time wore on, simple dog commands turned into full paragraphs explaining why the dog couldn’t do something.
I hear that Nancy is very pretty.
So long and thanks for the fish.
I am my aunt's sister's daughter.
To the surprise of everyone, the Rapture happened yesterday but it didn't quite go as expected.
A song can make or ruin a person’s day if they let it get to them.
The gruff old man sat in the back of the bait shop grumbling to himself as he scooped out a handful of worms.
His confidence would have bee admirable if it wasn't for his stupidity.
We need to rent a room for our party.
There's a reason that roses have thorns.
He looked behind the door and didn't like what he saw.
While all her friends were positive that Mary had a sixth sense, she knew she actually had a seventh sense.
Her scream silenced the rowdy teenagers.
Chocolate covered crickets were his favorite snack.
There was coal in his stocking and he was thrilled.
The memory we used to share is no longer coherent.
I am my aunt's sister's daughter.
Jason lived his life by the motto, "Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.
All she wanted was the answer, but she had no idea how much she would hate it.Today arrived with a crash of my car through the garage door.
Nobody loves a pig wearing lipstick.
She had a difficult time owning up to her own crazy self.
I checked to make sure that he was still alive.
A glittering gem is not enough.
For the 216th time, he said he would quit drinking soda after this last Coke.
Yeah, I think it's a good environment for learning English.
Smoky the Bear secretly started the fires.
The beauty of the sunset was obscured by the industrial cranes.
We have never been to Asia, nor have we visited Africa.
The group quickly understood that toxic waste was the most effective barrier to use against the zombies.
It's not possible to convince a monkey to give you a banana by promising it infinite bananas when they die.
He was the type of guy who liked Christmas lights on his house in the middle of July.
The wake behind the boat told of the past while the open sea for told life in the unknown future.
The ants enjoyed the barbecue more than the family.
She hadn't had her cup of coffee, and that made things all the worse.
There was no telling what thoughts would come from the machine.
He stepped gingerly onto the bridge knowing that enchantment awaited on the other side.
He decided that the time had come to be stronger than any of the excuses he'd used until then.
Truth in advertising and dinosaurs with skateboards have much in common.
He found the chocolate covered roaches quite tasty.
Their argument could be heard across the parking lot.
People generally approve of dogs eating cat food but not cats eating dog food.
The irony of the situation wasn't lost on anyone in the room.

You’ve never seen a smarter backpack

This one got past the spam filter:

Buddy, u just slay me with ur affection for onanism.
It seems u’re a grown man, but u do something like this.
How often during a day you may pamper your knob? U are a kind of Olympic winner)
What is the matter with u? A psychotrauma?
If I was walking in ur shoes, I’d certainly turn to specialists for help.
When u go about something like this, u would better stick up ur web camera.
I have downloaded all your contacts from ur electronic-mail and I’m going to present your habit to your loved ones.
Who knows, what if somebody gained access to your device and is looking at you.
1050usd, BTC 1mwjqhECgY7Z3HRWgCY7CdNCJtANngpr1, within forty-eight hours as soon as you read this notice u transfer my remuneration and I’ll eliminate the dirt I have on you.
In case u flout me, within 96 h your homemade video is going to be posted on the Internet.
Do not attempt to negotiate with me, on sending this text I will delete the present address.

The Weird Connection Between Neuropathy And This Vegetable

I am actually a enchanting that is hopeless and also will certainly consistently attempt to strongly believe that there is something excellent in everybody. I am actually truthful regarding my needs as well as am actually straightforward when I am actually hurt. I'm seeking an similarly excited partner who is willing to trying out brand-new factors as well as is a open-minded and splendid communicator. .

You love visiting porn websites and watching exciting videos while enduring an enormous amount of pleasure.

Brave of you to withstand the high quantities of pleasure

From: info@*******.co.uk
To: Webmaster

You need to lose some weight and invest in your wardrobe you ugly fucker.

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otm

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genuinely want to respond to this because wtf is the scam here? subject line is "Gift Piano"

Hello,

I'm giving out my late husband's Yamaha Baby Grand Piano to any passionate instrument lover. Let me know if you are interested or have someone who would like to have the instrument.

Thanks,
Castillo M. Carmen

Pig butchering?

xp Here's the scam. They want you to pay for "shipping." You'll never get the instrument. It's a low-dollar, high-volume grift.

I encountered this in reverse when I tried to sell a piano. They sent me a certified check for the instrument plus shipping. I was supposed to pay the shipping company. The check was fake, of course.

Selling a baby grand piano is not easy.

This one made it past google's spam filters into my inbox.

"The rhythms of classical music can be so relaxing. Do you have a go-to composer or piece?"

"hello krakow
During the day, I operate as a non-verbal communication specialist and communication mentor. Indeed, that appears sophisticated but it‘s mostly about observing and decoding. Have you know that over 50% of our dialogue is unspoken? On the weekend, I‘m either deciphering ancient puzzles or entangled in an puzzle chamber.
Your turn? What you fill your days?"

spambots have been really getting into escape rooms I've noticed

hello ledge
I‘m a nurse who revels in mountaineering. Have you ever confronted a peak, be it actual or symbolic?
Warmly