no boys allowed in the room!!!!

Also. Just came back here to say: the menopause sucks in general, but 14 days into a neverending period, I would just like to be done with having a body for ever.

is it heavy? (the period, not the body) or just ... it keeps going and going and doesn't stop in a "drip drip drip" kinda way?

mine have been erratic for the past 6 months -- two months where i have two periods in one month (has never happened to me before) and then over a month and half with nothing so i was afraid i was pregnant, but fortunately i am not pregnant but ... is this just stress or this "Menopause: The Early Years and Unreleased Demos"

Man, you "crushes are a disease" people need to learn to channel your crush-bone into pop star crushes. I used to feel like crushes were an affliction that I inflicted on other people unwillingly - but if a pop star is up onstage prancing about, wiggling their arse, they are basically shouting "love me!" at the world, so it's... fine to love them back?

is it heavy? (the period, not the body) or just ... it keeps going and going and doesn't stop in a "drip drip drip" kinda way?

No, it's actually been like... 2 periods in 2 weeks? It came on really strong for about 4 days, then started to taper off to a dribble. It had actually almost stopped, to the point where I didn't need to use a pad at night - then the next week, boom, cramps all over again, and it started up and now I'm having a second period in 2 weeks.

I hate to say it, but "2 periods in a month, followed by 2 months no period" was definitely how the menopause started for me, so unfortunately I think this may be a 4-track demo for you. Joy!

I’m just not into it — developing feelings for someone I’ll never talk to does not make me feel good at all.

Developing feelings for someone you never *HAVE* to talk to is.. such a relief, though? There's no way to screw this up!

(Ha ha, sorry, I will stop pushing now. We are just very different; it's OK to be different.)

No obviously that’s worse. My aversion to crushes is so strong it won’t let go even when the person is not someone I’d ever talk with. It’s an extremely strong aversion.
Yes it’s ok to be different :)

i guess it's just the way the feelings feel? Like, maybe we are using the same word to describe different feelings ... idk

I'm on the trans thread right now, trying to describe how trans men have described T feeling like, and all of them are like "T makes you way more hungry and way more horny" and can you imagine how much more of a crushed-out hornball I would be if I ever actually got to take T.

yeah for me celeb crushes are the way to go and it often goes along with whatever musical/artistic obsession i've developed at the same time - it's escapism as much as desire. I do have to watch myself though - from past experience, whenever my fantasy crushes have gotten too intense, it's often a sign that there's something else in my life that's going wrong and that I'm not dealing with appropriately.

I'm currently in a very monogamous, very long-term partnership so I stay away from real life crushes anyway, but generally crushes on friends/people I meet are painful and messy as much as they can be exciting and joyful.

Yeah, absolutely! Escapism is completely what it is. (But also sometimes a touch of... "I wish *I* were a better person - like my amazing fantasy crush!") And right now, given the choice between escapism and absolute despair, I would always rather choose escapism.

How do you find managing celebrity crushes within a long-term partnership? You mentioned watching R-Patz movies with your husband, like, is he very "ooh, I know my wife likes this actor, let's indulge this obsession together" or does he not notice?

For me, that was always a real test of whether a long-term relationship was working, like, was the other person willing to share and engage with pop star crushes, or were they jealous and insecure about it. (But I guess that's to do with... most of my long-term relationships have been with bisexual people of various genders, and that whole "tell me your crushes, we will crush on them together and bond over it" kind of is a distinct and notable part of queer/bisexual culture. "R-Patz or K-Stew? - oh hey, *both*!")

Oh he notices and we tend to crush on the same people together - if it’s not RPattz, it’s FKA Twigs or Taika Waititi or Natasha Lyonne.

Neither of us identify as bi but maybe we’re both a little bi curious lol.

Oh, that's adorable. That's just like dream relationship co-crushing. :D

(I don't think crushing is always *necessarily* sexual? So it's completely possible to have a non-orientation crush without it affecting one's sexuality, I guess.)

I've got past the "looking at photos and watching videos" phase of the crush and moved on to the "reading lots of interviews" phase of the crush, and he's gobby and opinionated and too-clever-by-half in all the ways I find really, really catnippy. Why am I so attracted to people I think I could have really good FITES! with?

No one read this Sophie Lewis piece, huh?

As the porn actor and philosopher Conner Habib retorts when anyone complains that their eight-hour-a-day porn habit is getting in the way of their ability to perform their job, ‘dude, it seems to me that your eight-hour-a-day work habit is getting in the way of your ability to properly enjoy your sexuality.’

And in a colossal twinkle of universal irony, one of the queer theory reading groups has assigned an essay on eco-eroticism (those cheeky Scottish fuckers have ~ruined~ me for reading / thinking about / engaging critically with anything to do with *actual* Shamanism these days?) and here comes the kicker:

Feeling inside this fluid, living entity of what we call “nature” does have its consequences, as my sensuality often gets in the way of my scholarship. But then again, my scholarship often gets in the way of my sensuality. It is a common conundrum, feeling the difference between the world of thought and the world of my other senses.

is this just stress or this "Menopause: The Early Years and Unreleased Demos"

Yes? Idk. I had no periods for half of last year, then had it for 14 days in December, was regular for like one month, then didn't have it from Feb until last week, then had it for 7 days. If the "definition" of menopause is going a whole year with no bleeding at all (that is so stupid btw), it keeps fucking w me by going 6 whole months and then ruining my timeline.

Meanwhile I'm looking at parcels of forested land in the Northeast to buy and someday put a prefab house on. That's the new 5 year plan. God willing office jobs go to wfh and I can live in VT or something. Or Northern MI, frankly.

I'm obsessed with minimalist prefab houses that are only available in the EU or in Quebec or in Finland.

All My Demos Are Unreleased

can it be an A-frame?

I don't really like A-frames, weirdly? Idk--I dislike being in rooms where sloping ceilings make part of the room too short to move around in.

lol yeah they are really impractical on the inside. i just like looking at them.

Oh man I love slopey ceilings, like a big part of my obsession with Berlin is the slopey ceilings in Dachgeschosses.

My period is still the same even though I’m the same age my mom was when she started menopause.

in orbit, are you still upstate?

https://ark-shelter.com/
Only available in, like, the Netherlands and Slovakia.

https://www.ecohome.net/prefab-kit-homes/le-refuge-s750/
Only available in Quebec!

https://www.pluspuu.fi/en/mallisto/
Only priced for Finland!

xp to tr: Yes, well, not VERY upstate, but in Orange County.

Ok, just wondering if you wanted to do some sort of socially distanced meet up!

those are adorable. i have similar forest-living dreams but i don't know if i could downsize any more from my 880 sq. ft. house. too many kitchen things.

Oh yeah it wouldn't be my permanent residence probably? I have too much stuff! Or would be something modular that could be expanded later. I just can't afford a house ($250k and upwards) that I would want, and I only like old houses, and then I would have the constant maintenance, which I would love to say I could handle, but honestly without C and his skills and a whole workshop and tools and etc, which I don't have on my own, I would be sunk.

Anyway. When the climate crisis comes, everyone come to my 5 acres with a separate well and septic system and build a tiny house and we'll stick it out.

Yeah, absolutely! Escapism is completely what it is. (But also sometimes a touch of... "I wish *I* were a better person - like my amazing fantasy crush!")

― Extractor Fan (Branwell with an N)

"do i want to be _with_ them or do i want to _be_ them?" is, i've found, an _extremely common_ question trans people ask when they are crushing on someone.

To the extent that I have or have had crushes on hot androgynous/unfeminine women, it's the same thing. I don't think I want to romance them but I want to *be around* them because they seem "cool." I'm afraid it's connected to masculinity being "cool" ie it's still patriarchy. Brains are problematic. :D

Alternate theory: Maybe I'm interested in + admire them because it seems like they've broken free of gendered expectations and are living as themselves and that's intriguing/admirable too. That's cool! We should all do that. <3

We have had so many crushology / crush archetype threads on ILX, where we have broken down, in great detail, the varying shades from "I want to fuck you" to "I want to be you" - it's one of my favourite subjects, TBH!

I dunno, I kinda have a slightly different experience - my crushes on men are always "I want to fuck you" or "I want to be you" but my crushes on women tend to be far more romantic, far more based around their coolness and interestingness and fascinatingness... like I know that under male supremacy, maleness is held to be inherently more interesting or cool, but... that's not my experience of it? Maleness is desirable on a sexual level, or it's desirable becuase I want to *be* that person (duh, I'm trans) - but in terms of *interestingness* or cool, like women are far more interesting to talk to, to read, to engage with? And that's just an orientation level thing for me?

Anyway, more on the tinyhomes, please? I live in a tiny flat, which is basically a tinyhome but not cool. But "tinyhomes in woods" is so so super appealing to me right now.

The archetype of the crush thread to end all crush threads: Crushology

I totally want to talk to women more and have them as friends and be around women almost all the time. Unfortunately I'm still attracted to men.

I watched a lot of tiny house tv shows and decided that I never want to sleep in a loft again and that I require bedrooms where you can stand up to put your pants on. Then I watched a lot of "The House that $100k Built" and decided I prefer OSB and prefab with maximum views over old, ornate, and dark inside. So I ended up at affordable pre-fab & modular houses, and then followed my aesthetic and got to those three options! Can't wait to look out my wall of windows at some snow and have a fire in the stove.

Also I don't have the kind of money you need to buy a house--like 20% down on a quarter-mil, as a single person? Not in my lifetime--not in all the industries I've ever worked in. Also when the coasts flood and 2/3rds of the country is uninhabitably hot, I would like to at least have the option of a place to go.

That turn toward modernist prefab is a SERIOUS 180 for me, because I love old houses and have always anticipated that I would live in one forever! It's just...I can't imagine being able to afford one that didn't need major work. I'm too old for that.

i have an old house that needs work i can't afford right now and i will never do it again!

Some of the prefab houses are actually really stylish and well-designed and beautiful - the aesthetic can be very beautiful when done well. I have a friend in Germany who was showing me pics of these beautiful modernist houseboats (sorry - hausboots!) https://www.nautilus-hausboote.de/en

^^^like, imagine having one of those, floating on a lake in Vermont!

(Sorry, my Mum has a big, old house in Vermont at the moment so I hear constantly about the amount of work it takes to keep a beautiful big old house from falling apart.)

damn those hausboots are really sweet!

I love the egg-shaped one, would love to sit in that just chilling with waterfowl all around

on the other hand I would not love to be washing goose shit off its decking regularly so, yeah

To the extent that I have or have had crushes on hot androgynous/unfeminine women, it's the same thing. I don't think I want to romance them but I want to *be around* them because they seem "cool." I'm afraid it's connected to masculinity being "cool" ie it's still patriarchy. Brains are problematic. :D

this rang some bells

I am not v in tune with my emotions and desires and so am terrible at knowing if my crushes are "want to be them" or "want to be friends with" or proper sexual crushes. it's as well I haven't had any proper crushes for over a decade as the last one nearly destroyed me tbh

even the last little "hmmm, why because they look intersting" was probably really a "this person seems cool and also quite stern and disapproving and I feel the need to win their unattainable approval for some stupid reason I can't even work out" rather than an actual crush. stupid misfiring neurons

I feel the need to win their unattainable approval for some stupid reason I can't even work out

oh hi! been there recently

"this person seems cool and also quite stern and disapproving and I feel the need to win their unattainable approval for some stupid reason I can't even work out"

OMG Spacecadet you have absolutely 100% just knocked something into place for me.

I used to complain on old crush threads, that no one ever had crushes on me. (Well, until I was the focus of that completely delusional full-on-stalking crush in 2015, which pretty much turned me off ever having anything to do with non-celeb crushes ever again.)

But there have been SO MANY times in my life, where people have acted towards me in the manner you describe (why? I'm not even remotely cool? I think people like to *read* me as stern and disapproving, and then project their entire Superegos onto me.) and it hasn't *felt* like a crush from the inside - it's felt like someone chasing you from thread to thread or blog to blog or social media to social media, saying stuff *AT* you, like they are trying to ~prove~ something to you? I always felt like "My dude, the approval you seek can never come from me, it can only ever come from inside yourself".

I always thought that being crushed on would feel good, it would feel validating and lovely, like being bourne up on a fluffy purple sparkly cushion of love (kind of like it feels like when you're onstage and everyone claps and goes wild at the end of a song) - but actually it feels more like weird people making endless demands of you that have absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with something they can't do for themselves.

Thank you so much for the insight, that is so useful, you are always so wise (and you don't even know it)

Anyway, I shall now devote the rest of the day to finding photos of the *back* view of Colin Angus' pleather chaps which the world has cruelly denied me.

Well, until I was the focus of that completely delusional full-on-stalking crush in 2015, which pretty much turned me off ever having anything to do with non-celeb crushes ever again.)

For me it was 1993 and I was coming out of a series of other traumas. I think one of the most harmful messages out there about romance is to “be persistent” and “don’t take no for an answer”, bombard them with attention they can’t ignore etc. Like I can’t imagine a more horrifying scenario than being bombarded by someone else’s unwanted feelings.

See also: my reaction after seeing that scene from Love, Acrually with the guy and his gd poster boards. Absolutely completely without reserve fucking hate that guy.

Btw I can obvs imagine many other more horrifying scenarios but please don’t argue with me about my phrasing of this sentiment.

No, I totally start to understand where you're coming from, WRT crushes, when you describe it like that! That was a shitty thing for someone to do to you. I would understand why you have the reaction you, and the feelings that you do.

Thanks. It was a long time ago but I had gone through the wringer by the time I was18 and it informed many of my feelings about lots of stuff. I never really had a chance to feel wholesome and innocent wrt attraction :(

Hmm. I thought it would be easier to buy vacant land but apparently banks don't like to give mortgages for anything except houses. Land can require a 50% down payment and worse terms unless you can get the owner to hold the note for you.

Should I be looking for a house in questionable shape that I don't intent to live in, just to be able to get a home mortgage? And put something else on the land later?

the bank may have the same complaint about a house in questionable shape and treat it the same as vacant land. they need something with value to eventually foreclose on! relatedly, i was researching the process of buying land then getting a construction loan a long time ago (wishful thinking lol) and it's quite a messy process, basically a serial refinancing to get it to be all one mortgage. yuk.

I really just need a project and a dream...and a reason to actually WANT to go back to work eventually.

xp You know, that makes sense, I'm sure banks know every way to lessen risk and maximize profit.

I was thinking if I bought really CHEAP land I could own it outright and then get a builder's loan or whatever in the future. I could do 20% down and a reasonably small monthly payment...but not 50%.

i was researching the process of buying land then getting a construction loan a long time ago (wishful thinking lol) and it's quite a messy process, basically a serial refinancing to get it to be all one mortgage.

ha a significant part of one of jobs right now is working on financial and due diligence documents related to construction loans ... otm though, the construction loan has much stricter terms (and higher interest) than a conventional residential mortgage, and construction loans are designed to either be rolled into conventional mortgages (for owner-occupied residential) or commercial mortgages (if it's a multi-unit building or a non-residential building) and there are other processes if you are a developer and doing the construction on building(s) that you will then sell ...

Hi, I'm 14. Any tips for a girl starting highschool? :D

don't 69420 until you are an adult

pestosocks69420