Homemade Jokes

I heard the entirety of this in Neil Hamburger's voice, replete with phlegm hacking

someone put some time into that. yet it has no real value even as an absurdist or surrealist endeavor. I wanna meet this person

this person is a true nihilist

Why is there a high risk of catching the rona on a pirate ship?

Cos the arrr rate is well high innit.

heheh

This is bad and weird but I haven’t been able to get it out of my head for months so here it goes

Me: what’s your favorite lou barlow song?
Person: ...
Me: mine’s Walk Like An Egyptian
Me: oh wait that’s the bengals

So it’s Jim the guitarist’s birthday. Jim’s girlfriend comes home and says “I’ve got something really special for you.” He can’t wait. So she lifts up her skirt and pulls off her underwear and reveals a piece of sandwich bread wedges into her vagina.

“Um, babe, why is there a piece of bread in your vagina?” Jim asks.

She replies: “I thought you said you were a big fan of Rye Cooter!”

man alive

A Duck Joke

Him: there’s a duck.

Me: ok there’s a duck.

Him: the duck isn’t a normal duck. He eats bread and fights with other ducks, but he can also, like, talk.

Me: the duck can talk?

Him: yes, and engage and conversation and wear clothes.

Me: oh, I know this duck. We dated for a while, but that was before I knew he was a duck.

I know a duck

WHAT DUCK?

He's number one

NUMBER ONE?

what's the difference between Michael McDonald and an elephant?

An elephant never forgets.

not bad

I had a slightly similar one about McDonald:

Kenny Loggins: Hey Michael, I really want to put on that hit single you had in the 1980s, what's it called again?
Michael McDonald: I Keep Forgettin'
Kenny Loggins: Oh well, then I'll just go get the album from downstairs
Michael McDonald: If That's What it Takes
Kenny Loggins: Well no need to get salty about it! I guess I could put on one of the old records instead.
Michael McDonald: Takin' it to the Streets
Kenny Loggins: Well that's a shame! And it's not even garbage night.

I like it

Michael McDonald: What a Fool Believes
Kenny Loggins: What's your problem, man? It's Monday night. We both know that's garbage night on this block.
Michael McDonald: Take it to Heart
Kenny Loggins: What does that even mean? I'm not the one who's upset, you are. Why do you always have to throw in these stupid little jabs?
Michael McDonald: No Lookin' Back
Kenny Loggins: Ohhh, very adult, Michael. Guess you couldn't possibly stop being a total dickhead once you've started.
Michael McDonald: Through the Many Winters: A Christmas Album
Kenny Loggins: Fuck you.

hahaha

Michael McDonald: Oh now you want to hear CeeLo

Kenny Loggins: I don't care if they do be brothers or don't be brothers, I just want to know what the band is called!

Kenny Loggins: Now don't forget, Michael -- my big birthday picnic is this afternoon at the park at 3:30. I rented the bounce house, my cousin Tristan is gonna be doing the balloon animals, I pre-ordered the Submarina party tray. Today's the big day man, we're all expecting you.
Michael McDonald: Yah Mo B There
Kenny Loggins: You know I want you to be there, but you know I've been pretty hurt in the past. It's hard to believe you. I mean, you've missed every single one of my birthday parties for the last ten years, Michael. I only turn 30 once. Can I count on you this time?
Michael McDonald: Yah Mo B There
Kenny Loggins: Well, you've made similar promises in the past, and I've been disappointed before. Are you promising me this time?
Michael McDonald: Yah Mo B There
Kenny Loggins: Alright then. See ya later buddy :)

[INT. LOGGINS-MCDONALD HOUSEHOLD, 12 HRS LATER. KENNY returns home from party, tearful, carrying half-full bowl of potato salad. MICHAEL lays half-asleep on couch in front of TV, stoned as usual]

Kenny Loggins: You son of a goddamned bitch!!!
Michael McDonald: I Keep Forgettin'

Michael McDonald: I'm sure he can if he remembers his username and password, or at least the email address associated with the account and the answers to his security questions, but I just want to know the name of the guy who sang 'footloose'!

Kenny Loggins: Look, for the last time, I don't care who "backed her," and I'm pretty sure it wasn't a skunk, and my name's not Jeff, I just want to know who played guitar with the band from 1974-1979 as well as rejoining briefly in 1987 and 1992

xp nice homemade jokes callback btw

sorry for twitter specific but

If you set your foot in quicksand, DON'T let that sink in.

what's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Alive!

I like it

What's Frosty The Snowman's favourite gangster movie?

Scarfface.

Figured it would be The Snow Informer

What did the All That superfan say when they reviewed fanfic that included character details from a cast member's role in Drumline?

okay but that's not Nick Nick Cannon canon

not bad, not bad

We know that the Garden of Eden was not located in Ireland because Adam would have given Eve a McRib

lol

I can picture a generic b-list irish comic delivering that one

So did you hear about the flock of wild fowl that managed to conquer the world with their feet up on cushioned stools?

The Ottoman Turkeys

I can picture a generic b-list irish comic delivering that one

― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Tuesday, December 1, 2020 2:27 AM (sixteen minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

no way to talk about ronan ffs

i kid i kid

I can't tbh

this new vietnamese place opened down the street with a video rental place attached, it's called pho-vid 19

Can you believe they've made almost 20 sequels to Birdemic? The new one's called Corvid 19.

Gwenyth Paltrow hired Din Djarin as the new CFO of her lifestyle brand. She'd heard the famous bounty hunter wanted to protect, grow Goop (protect Grogu).

My wife loathes the expression "it is what it is." Recently we were faced with a minor problem for which there was no satisfying solution and I said "that's a Hornsby all right."

"Hornsby?"

"That's just the way it is."

*wife sighs and rolls eyes*

Ah, but don't you believe her.

I see a variant on the pirate joke I made in June has blown up on the cracker scene.

Is a “Brazilian wax” a nod to deforestation?

pubes grow on trees

My wife just got back from a trip to the part of the US with the lowest population density.

Alaska?

Yeah cool, I'm sure she'd be happy to tell you all about it.

how did the musician do when they tried to cover “kiss from a rose” in the style of the breeders?

they tried their best but they just couldnt Seal the Deal

lol

what's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Alive!

― Lover of Nixon (or LON for short) (Neanderthal), Tuesday, November 10, 2020 5:16 AM (one month ago) bookmarkflaglink

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher morning!

haha

I don't want to just sit here, I want to be part of a movement, my bowels said.

What is the pornography connoisseur's motto?
"vidi, vini, dormivi"

Skeeter: Say Peter, how many Black male vocal groups can you name?
Peter: Well Skeeter now that I think about it four, tops.