Kids say the darndest things

When is Father's Day?

You have a karate class tomorrow —

“No no no no no, conversation done. End chat, BEEP!”

These Gen Alphas, I swear.

"How big were the first computers? Were they so big that you had to, like, JUMP on the keys to type?"

(I thought this was cute)

at bedtime, the five-year-old was basically like yelling POOP! POOP! so i said, why do you like saying poop so much.
she said, it's a funny word. you know, like six is a funny word.
i said, six is a funny word?
she said, yeah, like that book that [older sibling] has
reader, this is the book she is talking about:
https://microcosmpublishing.com/previews/Sex-is-a-funny-word_lg.jpg

H: If that guy really does dig a big trench for the cable, I'm going to go out there to watch him...

ME: Yeah, I guess that could be interesting?

H: ...since I've got nothing else to watch since we've got no cable right now.

Also I got pwned by the 13-year-old pretty good, so bad that I tweeted it.

She's been on a Star Wars kick, so of course I've been all "Back in my day, there was a wolfman who frequented the cantina! No CGI like in those 2000s movies!"

She got a collectors magazine in the mail the other day.

BEEPS: They even have pictures of toys you told me about from the... 1900s?
ME: The 1970s.
BEEPS: Yeah, that's what I meant.

yesterday my 12 year old son totally seriously mentioned that he saw something old that "probably dates back to the 20th century"

"Daddy, does existence have a meaning?"

ME: You're asking me this at dinnertime on a Wednesday evening?

"Well, I saw it on a TV show..."

My 5yo made his first comic nerd pun/joke:

Him: What does that say on the wall?

Me: "Yankee go home." It means they want the Americans to leave.

Him: If the Thing from the Fantastic Four wrote it, it would say, "Yancey Go Home."

Just heard my 5yo singing 'everything is awesome! everything is falling out of a tree!'
He's only heard it a couple of times...

Legos falling out of a tree would be awesome!

My 5 year old playing with straws and water-squirting toys in the bath: Cmon, stay stable, have some momentum water!
Me: Momentum water?
Him: Momentum water, it’s like energy water.
Me: Yes, I suppose it is.

I told opal (almost 3.5) about constellations a week ago and at dinner tonight she said “daddy and I are both born in March so we’re Macy’s because there was a fish in the sky”

She can't speak yet but when our one year old sees a cat in our front garden through the window I'm pretty sure she's trying to say "omg what is it? A cat! Wow, a cat! I love it! Cat! I want to touch it! TOUCH IT! NOW! CAT! TOUCH IT! WHERE'S IT GONE?! CAT! COME BACK! CAT! CAAAAAATTTT!! AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"

"Daddy, I have an idea – I need a knife, and a bar of soap..."

Hahahaaa

I love everything in this thread

Opal's really into stalling bedtime. When she's in a bad fussy mood it's a total nightmare but when she's in a good mood it can be really cute. Tonight she asked me to look up if Tapirs are related to Elephants. I said it wasn't clear because I saw 2 websites and only one mentioned elephants. She said "do you know a lot of websites?" and then "before you go can you tell me about...um...two websites?"

lol that is so cute

love it!

When Opal's fussy but not too fussy I often say "who's the boss? are you the boss?" and she say's "I"m the boss!" but sometimes I say "mommy's actually the boss" preserving gender norms, sorry. Early today as I tried to get her down for her nap she suddenly said "why is Mommy always the boss?" so I said "why did you say that, because I joke about that?" and she said "mommy's the boss because you make a lot of mistakes so she's the boss". I then tried to explain that actually we're a team.

opal otm

cosign opal, that kid has a bright future in HR lol

My son and I were playing a tense game of chess while he finished a snack. Then he said: "I wish I had some pretzels left... I wanted to try 'stress-eating'!"

Ha!

Opal watched a nature documentary about elephants today. While in the potty before bed she asked me “what is die?” There was a scene where elephants came to a dry watering hole and found elephant skeletons. She said “some elephants didn’t get enough water…so they died and their skeletons fell out.”

My 5 yo told me that he wants to be president so he can send secret detectives after Jeff Bezos to catch him stealing, then he would pretend to be a bad president and hire people to dress up like they were poor so he could steal from them and make Bezos trust him, then he would send his soldiers to kill Bezos and give his money to the poor

I told him the Saudis already tried it

Hahaha

Opal currently screaming at the top of her lungs from her bed “I’m too tired to fall asleep!”

Was explaining something regarding the origin of humans to my 7 year old when my 4 year old gives her theory:

"First there were dinosaurs, then there were pirates, then there were dragons, then there were doctors, then there was us"

I was unable to get any explanation for the pirates, but the doctors were there before us because "we all used to be babies and you need doctors for babies to be born"

how were the pirates born? maybe the LSAT answer to this question is "you need dinosaurs for pirates to be born"

this does make sense. Piracy was pretty much perfected centuries before modern medicine.

This morning Dex glumly muttered that he hadnt slept well. When Dad asked why he said "Oh I dunno... I just lay awake when I realised I'm almost finished being a kid!"

Poor bastard!

awwww

While on a Pokemon Go walk through college student land yesterday we passed by a few houses with uncomfortably large numbers students drinking and partyiny. My 5.5 year old asks me really loudly "what are all these dumb teenagers doing? don't they know about the corona?"

As I lifted my daughter into the air with my legs –

"Why are you getting me HIGH?"

My 6-year-old son has been really into asking "true or false" questions for awhile now. This morning he came into our room while I was still lying in bed and emphatically stated, "True or false: nothing has a point."

I was totally ready to get into it, but then he went on, "it's true, if you zoom in far enough every point is really flat or round."

1. Why are pictures for looking at?
2. Why are closets for putting things in?
3. Why are cups for drinking from?
4. Why are beds to sleep on?
5. Why are they so soft?
5. Why are clothes for wearing?
6. Why can we feel the wind but we can't see it?

That was over three nights. Last night she followed up by telling us she wrote a song about storm drain then proceeded to sing it. It goes "Storm drains, storm drains, storm drains everywhere."

aww, sounds like the things my son used to ask me, which culminated one car ride with the question 'dad, what do the council really do?'

What indeed, son. What indeed.

lol

While we were stuck in an elevator today, and had to call for help, etc.:

“Is it possible to, like, leave this elevator a bad review or something?”

Hahaha

call for yelp

Me [trying to get a string of vegetable matter out from between my back teeth at the table]: Sorry, this is disgusting, sorry!
7yo: No, no.... It's beautiful!

lol

"Sometimes people who are good looking on the outside are bad inside. Like Elon Musk. He is very handsome but he is like Lex Luthor."

Me: "Elon Musk isn't handsome."

"Yes he is. His hair. His body."

Hahahaha

Opal is back in Queens after 5 months with her grandparents. Very much looking forward to scooter riding with her best friends Peter and Luke. Before leaving to meet them she says "I can't wait to go scooter riding with peter and luke. I'm going to beat up on them."

Nicole and I look at each other incredulously. She meant "beat them", which, even that, is pretty silly because there's no way she's as fast as them as she came late to scootering, but "beat up on them" is a whole other connotation.