Robert Pattinson IS The Batman

like all masterful trolls, no one can really tell for sure

God I love him so much

i entrust in every ilxor the power to go forth and use however much or little garlic you please

That's only because lex doesn't post here anymore, so we don't have to worry about him trying to make pasta again.

the world’s a mess, it’s in his kitchen

it's the only possible way of looking at it when anybody else who posted they did even one of these things while cooking, if their post was unlucky enough to be found or if they were a Designated Bad Person, would be mocked by thousands of people, but for some reason it's ok when robert pattinson does it

i think lex would view this anecdote as confirmation that kitchens are terrifying and dangerous

like there are entire twitter accounts/instagrams/etc. devoted to making fun of people's unacceptable "struggle plate" meals that they had the gall to photograph or think were ok

i think even rich person robert pattinson would not intentionally blow up a microwave in his own house during a pandemic for an anecdote but maybe i'm a rube

it isn't about whether it's intentional, it's about whether they fell short at all

yeah, i diggit; was referring to if this was trolling or not as opposed to "is it fair that celebrity gets away with thing that average person can't"

tbh I see that type of thing sometimes and either unfollow or laugh at, for example, a racist british guy complaining about foreign meals smelling bad when he's made beans on toast with a single boiled vegetable on the side

the people acting like lex was the worst person for not attempting to learn cooking skills was a weird dogpile and I always assumed half the people were putting him on. his thoughts on cooking were as obtuse and brash as his other opinions and it seemed like an easy thing to pretend there's an objective right way to eat, compared to the complexity of takes on music

being an adult who can't cook whatsoever is quite clownable. makes more sense in pattinson's case - rich kid who became a star young, has never had to prepare his own food

he should post on the neuvo cuisine thread or write a cookbook with strongo

iirc lex is cooking now

I wasn't even referring to that, just The Discourse in general, it seems like every day a new absolute rule is imposed

scolds be scoldin'

Are people reading this and NOT laughing at Robert Pattison blowing up his kitchen in an attempt to find venture funding?

(let alone the idea being "let's slop some sugary pasta into a panini, that sounds good")

wait until you get to the part in the rest of the interview where the meal he actually eats is just dumping tabasco sauce in a can of tuna

i approve of the tabasco on tuna and the sheer will to find a portable pasta.

when I read it my main reaction was to be confused and a little sad because I don't understand the rules and they seem to change so readily while still being inviolable at every change

tabunasco pasta is the wave of the future

i like canned tuna in pasta as well as hot sauce in pasta. so this all checks out.

pasta is space food

(let alone the idea being "let's slop some sugary pasta into a panini, that sounds good")

― DJP, Tuesday, May 12, 2020 2:51 PM (forty-one minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

there was a new place around here that was trying to set itself up as the chipotle of italian food so they advertised pasta burritos, just a pile of pasta inside a thin flatbread wrap. it was supposed to be their signature thing. i went opening week and ordered one and the server looked at me like i asked to lick the dirt off the floor. a month later they rebranded as "healthy" italian fast casual with like zoodles and kale salad and shit

I sympathize with the server in that story.

they tried to make ramen burritos a thing at one point.

"they"

I've had rice noodles inside an "asian-style teriyaki wrap" at a workplace cafeteria but there weren't a lot of them

food abomination that was edible until whoever was prepping them stopped looking at the ingredients list and kept adding tomatoes in

ramen burgers are fucking scary imo

i can’t fully comprehend what he was trying to make

what was all the sugar for?
breadcrumbs/cornflakes on bottom, but no bread on the bottom?
pasta wrapped in cheese
more sugar?
hamburger bun on top

like... my 3yo’s niece’s make believe meals she made from what she found in the backyard had more internal logic than this LOL

he was punking himself? seems like a possibility. when the microwave explodes, he's described as "giggling".

I'm guessing he was high

it would seem so

That reminds me of a tabloid thing I saw about RP and Kristen Stewart (back when they were together) about how all their spare time off the Twilight sets was spent having sex and smoking weed.

how are you supposed to spend your early 20s, really

This thread from a friend of a friend on Twitter is great:

i was in a youth theatre group with robert pattinson, and can i just say - yes

— old man bangers (@FindusPancake) May 12, 2020

Last year I went to a place that called itself a 'concept meatball restaurant. It was so earnest that I almost feel bad making fun of it. Basically, you'd pick six kinds of meatballs and six sauces (there were recommended pairings, but they weren't required) and ten minutes later a matronly lady would bring them out to you IN PORCELAIN EGG CARTONS with the meatballs on one side, and the sauces on the other. Some of them had clearly been defrosted in a microwave, and they were molten on the exterior but icy in the middle and that's Robert Pattinson for you.

some ilxor worked on a movie with him. I don't feel like searching.

I was at that High Life screening with him and Claire Denis doing Q&A and the exit was at the back of the theater and she was kind of half saying "oh no please stay seated!" as she hurriedly shuffled out. I was thinking, ma'am, I think you're not the one the younger ladies in the front row want to lunge at

I'm guessing he was high
― DJP, Tuesday, May 12, 2020

I knew this would happen. https://thetakeout.com/robert-pattinson-pasta-recipe-gq-magazine-1843422757

^^lol the photos really underscore the sadness/madness of his recipe.

Apparently he's 34 today - happy birthday to this ridiculous weirdo. 

I finally read the whole article, not just the pasta bit, and it is full of gems: 

“He’s not mean,” Claire Denis says about Pattinson. “But he’s always trying to escape a little. He doesn’t want you to put your claws too deep in him. Sometimes I forget, and I’ll send him a text with something a little personal. And he will always answer: hahahaha. ‘This is the limit, Claire.’ You know?”

I both respect and hate him for his attitude towards exercise, given the presumably insane amount of money he's getting paid to bulk up:  

The film studio hired a trainer who left Pattinson with a Bosu ball, a single weight, and a sincere plea to use both, but right now, he says, he’s ignoring her. “I think if you’re working out all the time, you’re part of the problem,” he says, sighing. By “you” he means other actors. “You set a precedent. No one was doing this in the ’70s. Even James Dean—he wasn’t exactly ripped.” He says that back when he was the star of the Twilight franchise, “the one time they told me to take my shirt off, I think they told me to put it back on again.” But Batman is Batman. Pattinson called another actor on the film, Zoë Kravitz, the other day, and she said she was exercising five days a week during their exile from set. Pattinson, well: “Literally, I’m just barely doing anything,” he says, sighing again.

Also that entire bit where he's trying to talk about "Tenet". And can we talk about those photographs/outfits?! Some of those shots are amazing and makes me think that he's prob not nearly as chaotic as he comes across (I'm also only about 75% sure about this).

they were very good self portraits.

I have to say he is pretty beautiful. And I loved his work in Good Time.

I assumed the photos had been touched up considerably.

gq reporter otm

I wish I could tell you whether what I’m about to describe here is a bit, or a piece of performance art, or is in fact sincere—even now, I don’t totally know. I think parts of it are real and parts of it can’t be real.

I assumed the photos had been touched up considerably. 

well sure. But he's also very good at figuring out his best angles even while trying to look appropriately disheveled (in much too expensive clothes). And the final photo of his face projected onto toilet paper feels like yet another masterful bit of trolling.

obsessive batman fan from my high school currently furious on facebook about pattinson not working out (disrespects the role)