US Politics, May 2020 — I will never lie to you. You have my word on that.

blapcrease

murkflow

hen fap

henfap

goddamnit

lol

sharp upt(r)ick

“whirling axestorm”

buttload

choppy legal waters

there it is

what is needed for Bad Axe Throwing is protection from the choppy legal waters that may emerge from their very, very dumb customers.

a second member of the white house inner circle has covid:

A member of VP Pence's staff has tested positive for COVID-19, per an administration official. The staffer is not with Pence on Air Force 2, which is en route to Iowa right now.
(h/t @HansNichols)

— Peter Alexander (@PeterAlexander) May 8, 2020

Amazed they haven't found a bearded guy and claimed he was a returned Jesus yet

Mike Pence caught on hot mic delivering empty boxes of PPE for a PR stunt. pic.twitter.com/IduvGhiPwj

— Matt McDermott (@mattmfm) May 8, 2020

except that didn't happen:
https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/davidmack/mike-pence-empty-boxes-debunk

Way to go, Jimmy. Provide more fuel to the Fake News fire. Sick of this shit.

whaaa? that sucks. sorry, i try not to be fooled by these things. i don't know why i assumed the jimmy kimmel show was trustworthy, sadlol

is that what provoked trump to lay into kimmel and colbert the other day? that tweet was notable because he used dumb insult nicknames for kimmel and colbert, but then also referred to "nice guy" jimmy fallon. another late night jimmy who fucking blows

i heard hitler only has one ball
boo, sick of this slander against hitler, fake news

Those axe throwing bars look like someone made a chain out of the mandatory fun you have to do at corporate training days. They couldn’t figure out how to monetize trust falls.

axe throwing bars and escape rooms are all the rage

let's combine the 2

America is basically the worst Escape Room now.

Paula Reid
@PaulaReidCBS

BREAKING: President Trump just said "Katie" is VP staffer who tested positive. Katie Miller is VP spox & wife of WH adviser Stephen Miller. Entire West Wing has now been directly or indirectly exposed to COVID-19.

1:30 PM · May 8, 2020·Twitter Web App

BREAKING: President Trump just said "Katie" is VP staffer who tested positive. Katie Miller is VP spox & wife of WH adviser Stephen Miller. Entire West Wing has now been directly or indirectly exposed to COVID-19.

— Paula Reid (@PaulaReidCBS) May 8, 2020

please, oh please oh please oh please let stephen miller die

xp lol Cow_Art, we must follow the same people on twitter :)

alright, just a little further

As much as I want every single one of these shit-bags to suffer from the Coronavirus, I keep thinking about Trump going to the mask factory without a mask. What if a fucking mask factory has to shut down because our asshole president brought it there.

My head hurts at the stupidity of everything. Last night I did my yearly "Should I move to Canada?" googling.

people who should die from coronavirus (excerpt)

trump
pence
stephen miller
betsy devos

as a starter kit

mark meadows is contemptible fucker too, add him on. and mulvaney can obviously eat shit til he dies

America is basically the worst Escape Room now.

every room is an escape room

and the only escape is to another room

which is also an escape room

whoa

that was super lame of Kimmell. He's usually above that crap.

eh can't really fault him for people editing his stuff out of context and passing it off as real

that said the joke is dumb precisely because it's exactly the sort of thing this administration actually does

exactly, a whole lot of story truth going on in that 'joke'

axe throwing bars and escape rooms are all the rage

― mellon collie and the infinite bradness (BradNelson), Friday, May 8, 2020 11:20 AM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

let's combine the 2

― A True White Kid that can Jump (Granny Dainger), Friday, May 8, 2020 11:29 AM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

"escape the axe" would be a great thrash metal song title

The pandemic is an escape room that the US government is trying to smash their way out of with an axe.

Katie Miller (@VPPressSec), seen here chitchatting with members of the press yesterday(!), tested positive today for COVID.

Oh. She's the one without the mask. Right there on the right. pic.twitter.com/Mmbl3Zs1x4

— Jeffrey Wright (@jfreewright) May 8, 2020

Sorry to be the one to say this, but looks like she lied.

"White House spokesperson Kayleigh McEnany said Friday that the documents had not been approved by CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield. The new emails, however, show that Redfield cleared the guidance."

http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/cdc-report-reopen-white-house-1.5562558

Dr. Anthony Fauci now going into “modified quarantine” after being in close proximity with the White House staffer who was positive, @jaketapper reports. Fauci joins CDC’s Dr. Robert Redfield and FDA’s Dr. Stephen Hahn who are also in quarantine as a result.

— Alexander Marquardt (@MarquardtA) May 10, 2020

"Modified quarantine" = "oh, well, we hate your guts anyway, get out."

look at this hardman in north carolina who needs to bring a giant wooden gun on his meatball footlong run

yeah what the shit, it’s made of wood pic.twitter.com/75Fv81H6jt

— jimmytwohands (@jimmy_two_hands) May 9, 2020

people were really clamoring for haircuts from the woman responsible for this. huh

.@SenTedCruz got his first haircut in months today at the Far North Dallas hair salon of Shelley Luther, the owner who defied local and court orders to keep business closed during COVID-19 outbreak. https://t.co/v72J2CYDfY pic.twitter.com/iq66jv9qjG

— Dallas Morning News (@dallasnews) May 8, 2020

bravo to anyone who can hold a sharp instrument and stand over Ted Cruz in a prone position without succumbing to the most natural instinct

is that why the haircut is so bad

They had to keep each hair six feet apart

Good morning!

look at this hardman in north carolina who needs to bring a giant wooden gun on his meatball footlong run

meanwhile, black men get shot and killed by the police for carrying cell phones that get mistaken for a gun.

"mistaken"