AGING PARENTS

mookie I help ppl navigate stuff like this ^^^ for a living so feel free to hit me up.

unlikely she will be admitted into hospital. possibly a shot at a rehab stay.

moving this off the Covid 19 thread, but:

My parents are fascinating in the age of Covid. Dismissing / minimizing the pandemic is a point of pride for them, even though they're clearly terrified of it (when they remember it exists).

They are old New England Quakers, and emotionally/physically closed off in the Robert Frost mode They do not have friends. They do not have a TV, and probably can't get on the internet Their parents all stayed healthy until their 90s, or dropped off suddenly due to rapid illness, and so my mom/dad have no idea what normal aging looks like. Each ailment and infirmity is Just An Unbearable Tragedy to them, and perpetually unexpected. My dad bought five new cell phones last year 'because all the earpieces are too quiet.' Each time, I pointed out that the phone was fine and he couldn't hear well any more. I kept suggesting the audiologist. After returning phone number six, dad became really teary/upset and said he wondered if there was something wrong with his ears. One night he undertook an exploration with a q-tip that required an urgent care visit and antibiotics, and ... then had a very teary breakdown about how Awful Old Age Is, and Out of Nowhere He's Deaf. (He's not deaf. He's got age-related hearing loss, and he doesn't like most of what people around him say, so he ignores it).

So what's a coronavirus to them?

I think I'm finally ready to bite the bullet and coerce my mom into moving into a retirement home. Worse period ever to do this, I know, but she's been in and out of ERs for the last 6 months because she's basically unfit to live on her own (although she has someone coming most days to check in on her). Now, given how lost she is mentally, I figure I could somehow lie to her and pretend I'm stationing her into a "hotel" for a while, while i look for a new house for her. A bit shitty but oh well

My dad bought five new cell phones last year 'because all the earpieces are too quiet.'

My mum went through God knows how many phones she couldn't hear - not cell phones, she never worked out how to use them.

Having now seen many people age and die, there is generally a goodly lag time between losing an ability and starting to see oneself as someone who has lost that ability. I expect I will not be much different. Like most old people, I'll complain that nothing is as good as it used to be and then blame externalities for it.

Is it true of most old people? I don't know. When my hairline started to go, I didn't attempt a comb-over. I shaved it, and cut it short, and said 'well, hell, that was the part of my life where I had hair. I enjoyed it.' i think it has to do with attitude and comfort with change and, inevitably, death... i'm pretty cool with it.

Currently, nothing is as good as it used to be, so make hay.

I have been redo-ing my will and trust, worried about covid-19. I have been thinking about my parents, who are both now dead, and about who I want as my heirs and about my eventual death and burial

My parents were so much older than me that they almost felt like grandparents. When I graduated from catholic grade school they wouldn’t allow me go to the catholic high school I so wanted to attend to be with my best friend, but insisted that I attend the local public high school instead. I guess in retrospect that was a good decision.

Although all of my other siblings went to a local state university I selfishly demanded that they allow me to attend the college of my choice despite the financial burden it was for them. They acquiesced. I know how much of a sacrifice they made to allow me to do it

My parents had big dreams for me but they never pushed me, they just showed their love and were happy for my accomplishments. When I think about that I am so forever grateful.

My mother died of Alzheimers after 10 years of decline. She was mute for most of the last several years of her life. When she died it was hard for me not to visualize her as an Alzheimers patient.

In the years since though that has faded away and I have come to remember her as she was, the person I loved the most in my life

Same. Although she is still alive and we have fallen out and probably won't be alive for long, which is a problem.

Thanks for those posts. Say as much as you want to. I don't know what to say or ask yet. All the best, Dan.

I had big issues with my mother over my being gay and she being a hardcore catholic, but recommend that everyone reconciles with their mother before she dies

RIP Dad. My father had a massive heart attack Saturday at 90. He was mentally sharp to the end, using Venmo, ordering groceries for he and Mom online, following jazz and other music ( and discussing it with me as well as sometimes reminiscing about his days in NYC jazz clubs in the late 49s and 50s plus his days working in his dad’s NYC deli). He was very happy to see Biden win, and donated to various causes like HIAS ( who helped his Dad immigrate to America). He also helped my Mom. I miss him so

https://www.legacy.com/obituaries/washingtonpost/obituary.aspx?n=victor-kiviat&pid=197155285&fhid=2205

I’m so sorry curmudgeon.

I'm sorry for your loss, Curm. The obituary reads like he had a fully lived life, something to be very proud of.

So sorry to hear that, my friend, my condolences. Sounds like your dad was a great guy, I loved reading about him (I am assuming you wrote that.)

Love to you and yours, curmudgeon!

Adding to the best wishes and sympathy for all. Clearly a remarkable man.

Thanks for the kind words. I wrote the obituary with some help from my mom, plus my siblings and our respective spouses.

I'm sorry for your loss, curmudgeon.

May his memory be for a blessing

Amen to all of that!

My sincere condolences, curmudgeon.

Sorry to hear, curmudgeon.

Best wishes for you and your family, curmudgeon

I have sympathy for you. I hope you will be OK.

very sorry man. it's rough as hell

very sorry curmudgeon. it's a lovely obit. sounds like it would have been great to chat w/your dad about music or basketball or any number of topics.

Love to you, curmudgeon. Your father sounds like my kinda guy x

Thanks to all of you for the kind words

so sorry curmudgeon, thinking of you and yours x

My deepest condolences. Sending love and strength. He sounds like a wonderful Dad.

Sorry for your loss, curmudgeon

my condolences, curmudgeon. sending you strength to cope with your loss.

So sorry, curm

how can you tell how serious an ailment is when the person ailing can barely speak?

Dad fell the other day (as I mentioned in the other thread), and we finally have a wheelchair due this week. since then, yesterday, he has vaguely complained of pain around the sternum, but when asked has said it's not 'chest pain'. originally he said "2" when we asked on scale of 1-10, but last night seemed to be worse. might be related to fall - I've had muscle strains in that area before.

he has a PCP appointment next week anyway, but mom and I are thinking of taking him to another doc a few days earlier if it doesn't get better. we're wary of running to the ER every time he has anything wrong. could also be related to the hernia, perhaps?

we've tried framing questions he can reply "yes or no" to to get an idea of pain severity but the problem is that's us framing it and he also lies sometimes.

live-in nurse has to be around the corner, well obv not 'live-in' due to COVID, more like 24-hour nurse services.

i'm just mentally drained - I feel like any time I leave the house to do anything I'm always worried about what happens when I'm gone. I know i'm just one person and that's foolish but given this last year I'm superstitious as hell. every time I leave town I usually tell my brother and/or my best friend in case they can be 'on call' if something happens, though both have their own lives too.

My very elderly parents (93 & 83) in England have just been booked for their first Covid vaccine dose on Saturday.

that's fantastic! glad to hear that.

Thanks Neanderthal, and best of luck with your father.

Hope it goes well, Ward and Neanderthal.

Mom back in hospital for the second time in less than a month due to what is now being called a Klebsiella pneumoniae infection in her urinary tract.

She's immunocompromised, has a permanent ileostomy, probably drinks too much, and only takes baths rather than showers. Perfect storm... More worried about her being in hospital than getting over this infection, tbh.

how can you tell how serious an ailment is when the person ailing can barely speak?

^ This is the story of half of my life. All you can do is try. For pain, the best non-verbal clues are facial expressions and reflex actions. They don't lie.

Yea he winced last night as dead giveaway.

how can you tell how serious an ailment is when the person ailing can barely speak?

In hospice we used PAINAD: https://geriatricpain.org/assessment/cognitively-impaired/pain-assessment-advanced-dementia-painad-instructions

thanks!

^this turned out to be nothing. thanks again for link.

kinda feel like we're at a crossroads. my mother has plantar fasciitis in her foot that isn't improving, and a bad neck and back. I have a worsening back, though mine's better than my mother's. lifting dad from a sitting position if needed is easy, but the last time he fell, I hurt my back lifting him and it didn't feel well for days (it's back to normal now).

i'm not good w/ wet nurse type functions, but can help him onto and off of the toilet, and do just about everything else. but she doesn't let me - half the time I start doing things like helping my dad up, she tries to join and I have to shoo her away - "LET ME DO THIS!". not just because i don't want her hurting herself, but because it's a lot harder for me to help dad up if someone else is trying to grab hold of him as well.

we have Home Health Care coming starting again tomorrow, though I'm not sure what for (bathing? physical therapy?), and apparently we're looking into additional support, but I'm not sure what. but I don't know how long we can try to do it without more frequent nurse support or....assisted living. which is both expensive and also not something we want to do with our beloved paps.

one of you told me to take time for myself in another thread. Lord I'm tryyying. occasionally succeeding. but I just feel guilty any time I'm doing anything as simple as sitting on the couch watching tv.

people always ask where my brother is in all this, well, I've been lenient with him because a) he lives with his girlfriend, and b) works full-time and is about 20+ miles away, and c) works at a theme park so until they're fully vaxxed, kind of a risk. beginning to think I am going to ask him to try and show up once a week. the problem is....he gets mom stressed out, he tries to help but ultimately seems to want more to tell her how to do things rather than trying to help offer support with what she's alraedy doing. so I'd have to set ground rules because him getting her upset is a deal breaker. he doesn't do it on purpose, he's just....the type of needly person that sometimes frustrates his folks.

idk - I'm not MEGA stressed out about it or anything , just trying to think aloud.

sorry to hear. I think now is the time to be looking at your options though because I've known so many people struggle doing it themselves for far too long. Your brother should be contributing to this process too imo - if you start off with you researching and making all the decisions he'll carry on leaving it up to you I suspect.

yeah plus honestly he's just like that in general. i'm gonna talk to him this week and see what we maybe can work out.

we're getting some temporary help in the form of physical, speech, and occupational therapists coming by the house, as well as a nurse to come help bathe dad.

his vitals still are just fine. his oxygen's great, blood pressure is the lowest in the entire family. he also still laughs at dirty jokes.

looked at cost of assisted living. holy fuck....i do well but not well enough to afford that. so this bandaid solution will do for a while.

still, glad to have this help for my mother!