your terrible ideas

a band called Ghost Train where the lead singer is a little kid dressed like papa ermeritus but with Thomas the Tank Engine face paint. They'd perform this song but w/ better guitar/harmony/etc. parts: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSARStO46g4

New holiday called Vapril Fools, where everyone carries around kazoos and pretends that they’re vape pens

By “pretend that they’re vape pens” I’m taking about people not the kazoos, which are just for fun and self defense

Not a good time to be putting your mouth on people

That’s where the ”fools” part comes in

A little tiny hourglass measured out to 20 seconds that each patron using the office restroom could flip over before they washed their hands.

Do they flip it with their hands? If so, cool, belongs in this thread.

One that worked with a foot pedal might actually be a good idea

How about everybody has to flip it over after they wash their hands, starting the timer for the next person? That way it helps the sanitation problem, while also introducing a fun new time-constrained coordination exercise to public bathrooms

Would need to think about the penalty for not beating the timer, though.

a service that schedules your meeting on all available video conferencing platforms and then randomly selects one immediately before the meeting. because of this, nobody can express their favor or preference for one of the other platforms during or before the meeting. the opinion is useless. we use Webinar Herzog for meetings at this company, and we've accepted the chaotic nature of the video conferencing wilderness.

How about robotic "cuffs" that extend out and clamp on your wrists, forcing you to vigorously wash your hands for 20 second?

a carwash for your hands, like those spinning brushes that bars have to wash drinking glasses. but you stick your hands in there for 20 seconds. clean, raw hands.

truly horrible, kudos

A(nother) song reminding people to wash their hands, titled 'Wash Your Hands', sung to the tune of David Bowie's 'Watch That Man'.

You've heard about daylight saving time. What about daylight saving space? Every spring, everything gets a little bit bigger. Like a millimeter in every direction (for things at a recognizably human scale).

Then, in the fall, everything shrinks by the same amount. You'll barely notice, because it's everything, and it stays proportional.

Then we can join that concept together with daylight saving time, and thus have a true four-dimensional daylight saving spacetime.

Well I've always wanted to see the Grand Canyon look smaller than everything else.

dick pic timestamps under new scrutiny

audiophiles going fucking crazy bc the frequency response of their setups shifts dramatically with the new rc time constant

Need to readjust the cpu clock. All lenses now out of focus.

"I brought my fall glasses by accident"

A German gangsta rapper called Glock'N'Spiel.

A day in the life film where life is narrated to the tune of Playa Hater by Biggie, describing everything that person does in that sing song voice

A twitter account for being mean about art and people in the art world, called Angry Juan Gris.

start a long thread on twitter explaining that epidemiologists are finding out many earlier cases of covid-19 from january or even earlier have been identified outside china and there’s a country still under reporting that was likely the real source of the virus: russia

then get all of the people who are obsessed with claiming everything in the usa is a symptom of russian interference on board with calling it the “russian virus”

write an 800-page intellectual history of rockism in the style of late twentieth century poststructuralist french philosophy

I might read that

a sequel to ‘yesterday’ in which jack shoots to stardom on the wings back catalogue

And then an alternate universe spinoff where he records Shaved Fish and Double Fantasy

A guitar effects pedal - when you push down the switch, the signal from your guitar is cut off and the pedal automatically generates widdly-widdly fills and solos until you release the switch again.

also a Zoom version where you hold down the spacebar and it fills in corporate waffle for you

The Philip K Dolls - a Pussycat Dolls tribute act where each member is styled after a particular PKD novel.

Homes Under The Hammer but instead of grimy two-up two-downs in northern Britain they send Dion Dublin to look at fixer-uppers in Sydney and Melbourne.

Homes Down Under The Hammer

How is that not already a thing?

make MC Hammer the new host

Homes Down Under The Hammer Time

with Cyndi Lauper co-hosting:

Homes Down Under The Hammer Time After Time

Denny's Homes Down Under the Hammer

World’s Most Evil Kittens

If Aretha had lived long enough, I would've liked to propose she sing an updated version of 'Who's Zoomin' Who' to advertise...well, you know.

would that she had

http://cnn.com/2020/07/01/us/hampton-inn-black-family-pool-trnd/index.html?fbclid=IwAR0CUbvh5VLn_mb82ryMJk-DxZuvN9ttz0_nOdDVz6Kpe8ZA9A_RoHEv0og

I kind of want to write a short story about a black family who has the police called on them like this while staying in a hotel, and to try to make up for it, corporate gives them multiple free hotel stays. Only then, in each of the multiple free hotel stays, they again have the police called on them. So they just exponentially grow vacations but continue to get harassed each time.

Sounds like Hilbert's Hotel, but with racism

I could see it as a Jordan Peele film, although it's kind of a flimsy premise for a feature

screwball mob comedy called "It's a Made, Made, Made, Made World"

Cocteau Twang, a compilation album of popular country acts offering up rootin', tootin', boot scootin' reinterpretations of your favorite Cocteau Twins numbers.

Two chocolate bars that combine the top and bottom halves of a Snickers and a Double Decker. 'Dickers' = the peanuts & caramel top of the Snickers combined with the biscuit-crispy bottom of the Double Decker. So called because that's what you'll say when inevitably bits of it get stuck in/between your teeth/filling. 'Milky Why?' = the nougat half of both bars.

I saw one of those dumb “life is good” shirts the other day that I’d forgotten existed and now want to make versions that say “life was good” with images of people missing mundane activities like going to the movies or not dying of covid

All Blue Lives Matter, a movement for LGBTQ cops

a new competitor for google search that relies on real life people using google to search for the thing that users ask for and find the best result. like if you search for "tabletop games magazine" then some guy will take a few seconds to sift through the google search results and then pick the best ones for you. could be a real game changer for older people who take 45 minutes to google for an IRS form because they're so damn slow

^ this supports my contention that computers are just a drastically worse experience for everyone than the existence of administrative/secretarial staff

xp -- I had a very similar idea a while back, basically a search "hotline" for old people uncomfortable with computers (you'd call and they'd do the search for you)

the true force behind parents' cliched pining for grandchildren revealed