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should i buy this and bully my partner into playing with me when i shouldn't be spending disposable cash in any case as we're about to go into a real life economic depression Y/N

Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Wednesday, 25 March 2020 16:39 (one year ago) link

uh yeah, of course

silby, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 16:39 (one year ago) link

like I can't imagine a more cost-effective purchase if you're planning to be broke and insane for the indefinite future

silby, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 16:40 (one year ago) link

a kid is already in charge -- i just have to convince her to get the museum built!

― Mordy, Wednesday, March 25, 2020 11:21 AM (twenty-nine minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

maybe you can provide the necessary supplies and leave them for her? i haven't tried it yet but can you just drop the items on the ground near the museum-spot without them disappearing?

Karl Malone, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 16:55 (one year ago) link

yes, probably. i can also just tell her she needs to do the stuff. first step is giving tom nook 5 critters. the problem was that until i did some research to figure out how to unlock the museum i didn't even realize this was a thing bc it doesn't come up as an option when i talk to to nook. (also i now see why she has cooler stuff than me -- like the other island residents give her DIY recipes but they've never given them to me probably bc they know i'm just a tertiary player chump.)

Mordy, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 16:59 (one year ago) link


Karl Malone, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 17:01 (one year ago) link

I'm not "Player One" and I was able to give Blathers everything he needed to open the museum. Don't understand the problem tbf.

El Tomboto, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 17:18 (one year ago) link

it's the "pre-museum" phase that the Island Representative has to do, you have to give Tom Nook 5 things to invite Blathers.

silby, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 17:19 (one year ago) link

i think i would be a very bad parent because i think my first instinct would be to bribe the child irl to do the thing you want her to do in the game

Karl Malone, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 17:26 (one year ago) link

like "hey, if you donate these 5 pieces for the museum in the game, maybe we'll go out and get some ice cream later! ....(after coronavirus is over, ahhaha)"

Karl Malone, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 17:28 (one year ago) link

yeah the first couple days of the game have some railroaded stuff that you have to do to open things up and i think after that the primary player stops mattering as much

ciderpress, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 17:32 (one year ago) link

oh that's good to know. i was bummed that there was all this content i won't get to see.

Mordy, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 17:52 (one year ago) link

setup a swap shop. will post up a dodo code later

||||||||, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 18:47 (one year ago) link

alright i'm downloading, you fuckers better give me stuff

Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Wednesday, 25 March 2020 18:48 (one year ago) link

should i post the only negative take i've seen so we can tear it down?

We are all seeking an escape. It’s that desperate need for the world to slow down, for the people to take a minute, for Republicans to develop an ounce of compassion, Democrats to grow any sort of backbone, and all us schmucks with zero power to just...take a goddamn breath. Animal Crossing, a game where you join a bunch of anthropomorphic animals on an island, is literally a virtual escape from the world. When you show up ready to board the plane that’s what the two little raccoons even tell you. Animal Crossing is meant to be the balm to our anxiety riddled little lives. Only it sucks beyond measure.

I am not unfamiliar with Animal Crossing. I definitely ignored my friends for hours while they played it and I smoked vodka-spiked hookah back in like 2005 (don’t do that). I gamely checked it out on the Nintendo DS and gave up when I missed like two days of gameplay and all my in-game friends abandoned me (don’t do that either). I even spent some time with the mobile version of it a few years ago. Most things are pretty consistent from incarnation to incarnation.

You are a human in a world of cartoon animals that speak in a digital rhythm that Nintendo translates into human-speak in text bubbles below them. You collect fruit and bugs and rocks. You build stuff. You go into massive debt to a bunch of raccoons and work all day and night to pay off that debt.

Which is really my problem with this game. Right now the real world we’d all like a vacation from is run by capitalists with no concept of beneficial socialism. Powerful men and women think a single $1,200 check will make up for months and months of lost income. These people will gladly give trillions to billion-dollar corporations but let hospitals languish. People starve and children go uneducated.

The world is already run by the raccoons so why on Earth would I want to deal with them in a game?

Animal Crossing isn’t the only real-life sim that puts you into a grind similar to the one you probably experience in the actual world day-to-day. Games like The Sims and Stardew Valley can absolutely feel like work. You get up. You work your butt off. You welcome the sweet release of sleep at the end of the day.

But those games are a lot less aggressively simulacrums of the capitalism you’re forced to reckon with daily. By forcing you into a long term and unwilling relationship with a landlord/loanshark raccoon, Animal Crossing is a closer reminder of the world we’re living in. At a moment when so many folks are clamoring for a rent freeze, the last thing I want to do is head into a simulation where that’s not even close to a possibility.

My many friends and co-workers would claim that I should just play Animal Crossing more (Gizmodo Editor in Chief Kelly Bourdet told me not to write this blog until I’d played for at least a week). They would say I should embrace the best-loved feature of the game—seamlessly traveling to your real-life friends’ island to hang out or wreck their own digital limbos.

But I didn’t want real-life people in my real-life house before a highly contagious pandemic made standing close or touching hands a veritable Victorian scandal. Why would I want you on the overgrown island that I am but a serf inhabiting?

So, even though I’ve only played 5 minutes of the game and done little more than erect a tent on a patch of land I do not own, I can safely say Animal Crossing sucks and Stardew Valley rulez.

Karl Malone, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 22:49 (one year ago) link

This sad person doesn’t understand that you literally never have to pay off your debts in Animal Crossing

El Tomboto, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 23:32 (one year ago) link

Yeah, even my daughter realizes that.

Josh in Chicago, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 23:33 (one year ago) link

Or that the raccoons will literally buy moths and sand dollars off you for actual cash

El Tomboto, Wednesday, 25 March 2020 23:33 (one year ago) link

Yeah fuck that person they completely missed the point.

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Thursday, 26 March 2020 05:04 (one year ago) link

"I didnt play it at all, now or back in 2005 but I will rain shit on it anyway lolz"

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Thursday, 26 March 2020 05:12 (one year ago) link

the "i only played it for five minutes" stuff is trolling, but as an animal crossing newbie i did find it mildly shocking to start up the game and immediately be in debt and charged with paying your way out of it. you don't have to pay it off, sure, if you want to live in a tent for the whole game, but not advancing/improving is antithetical to playing a video game. what i find dumb is how many articles/tweets/whatever comment on the capitalistic aspects of the game like the author is the one giving a cheeky adult take on it, when the satire/commentary is obviously intentional and part of the game.

na (NA), Thursday, 26 March 2020 14:04 (one year ago) link

the whole game is about buying stuff, which is easy but puts you deeper into debt to the nooks, vs. doing it yourself, which is slightly harder but keeps you outside of the nook inc. monopoly. it's not subtle

na (NA), Thursday, 26 March 2020 14:07 (one year ago) link

Yep. They could have skipped all that and just said “buy an upgrade for your house for 99,000 bells!” and it wouldn’t change the gameplay at all. They made it a loan so they could make funny jokes about landlord/tenant/capitalism stuff that would fly over the heads of children

Karl Malone, Thursday, 26 March 2020 14:20 (one year ago) link

||||||||, Thursday, 26 March 2020 14:26 (one year ago) link

my partner played once, put her tent directly in front of my house, and then never came back. I keep sending her gifts that she never sees and it’s starting to remind me of middle school

Karl Malone, Thursday, 26 March 2020 14:31 (one year ago) link

ok, the tent is sort of to the side, but it’s off-center and it cuts off the walking path along the river, I mean come on

Karl Malone, Thursday, 26 March 2020 14:31 (one year ago) link

i put D to work i told her if she's going to be player one she has responsibilities and she can't do the fun stuff she wants to do until she labors doing the unlocks so that the rest of the family can enjoy the game. i'm considering this a meta-level explication and analysis for her of the capitalist themes already present in the game.

Mordy, Thursday, 26 March 2020 14:57 (one year ago) link

i zipped through the 5k miles in my first playthrough, looking forward to opening to a house. My partner has no intention of playing this game, which is a bummer.

Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Thursday, 26 March 2020 15:03 (one year ago) link

xp lol

“D, you must make some sacrifices so the rest of us can have more fun”

Karl Malone, Thursday, 26 March 2020 15:13 (one year ago) link

The price Timmy is willing to pay for imported fruit is a revelation

El Tomboto, Thursday, 26 March 2020 16:39 (one year ago) link

This has significantly increased the value of having two switches in the house

El Tomboto, Thursday, 26 March 2020 16:40 (one year ago) link

i finally visited another island (a mystery resource island, basically) and it happened to have the same native fruit as my own (pears). we eat a lot of pears here on Boneyarden

Karl Malone, Thursday, 26 March 2020 16:50 (one year ago) link

I'm telling you people, need to get on the poxyfule slack so we can share announcements of when airports are open

El Tomboto, Thursday, 26 March 2020 17:03 (one year ago) link

fun slacks < fun discords tbh (slack doesn't have killfiles)

silby, Thursday, 26 March 2020 17:07 (one year ago) link

honestly, i'm afraid that if i get on poxyfule slack i will lose any shred of productivity i ever had, whether working or free-time/creative hours

Karl Malone, Thursday, 26 March 2020 17:22 (one year ago) link

mark Brokelyn down as another pear island

Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Thursday, 26 March 2020 17:57 (one year ago) link

i did manage to steal a coconut tree from the island i visited, though. hope it's not an invasive species!

Karl Malone, Thursday, 26 March 2020 18:36 (one year ago) link

whoa how do you steal trees

El Tomboto, Thursday, 26 March 2020 18:36 (one year ago) link

send me pears

||||||||, Thursday, 26 March 2020 18:45 (one year ago) link


eat your mega native fruit, and attack the tree with a shovel

Karl Malone, Thursday, 26 March 2020 18:49 (one year ago) link

just looked that up last night so i could do some landscaping around the front of my house

Karl Malone, Thursday, 26 March 2020 18:49 (one year ago) link

and to steal coconut trees, of course

Karl Malone, Thursday, 26 March 2020 18:50 (one year ago) link

i built and paid off a house in two days, so i’ve decided i’m moving to this island in real life, it’s the only way i can get ahead in life now

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 26 March 2020 23:46 (one year ago) link

Hey guys it ocurred to me that I am playing southern hem and y'all are playing northern, so we absolutely need to visit each other - opposite season fish and bugs! Right now I got seasonal cicadas, grasshoppers and such til end of March. Tombot I saw you online earlier but your gates werent open dammit.

Alas now I am working for the next 3 hrs.

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Friday, 27 March 2020 02:47 (one year ago) link

Oh also I landed on a mystery island y'day and it had BAMBOO all over the place. I assume it will be a future very handy building material so I yoinked as much as I could.

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Friday, 27 March 2020 02:48 (one year ago) link

y'all haven't lived until you catch an oarfish

El Tomboto, Friday, 27 March 2020 02:49 (one year ago) link

Ive already caught a few of the rarities! Coelocanth, dorado and arapaima!

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Friday, 27 March 2020 02:58 (one year ago) link

But New Horizons is also a seriously stressful game. Tom Nook increases your debt about a millionfold in, like, the first 20 minutes. Spiders sprint after you at breakneck speed. And don’t even get me started on how passive-aggressive some of the island’s citizens can be. (They should’ve called this game Crossing Animals, amirite?

wrong! incorrect! this is a chilled out game! it can be a stressful game, in the same way that meditation/yoga can be stressful fi you make it that way

Karl Malone, Friday, 27 March 2020 03:39 (one year ago) link

however, the main point of the article is to teach you how to multitask, so i will put up with this nonsense and read on

Karl Malone, Friday, 27 March 2020 03:40 (one year ago) link

man, fuck that article

Karl Malone, Friday, 27 March 2020 04:10 (one year ago) link

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