I hear the LOLs echoing tonight but she hears only ROFLs of some quiet EXCELSIOR

hahaha

Scary Pockets
is creating funk!

https://www.patreon.com/scarypockets

for $60 a year you get to join their message board

for $120 a year you get to remix them

for $420 a year you get two tickets to a gig, and a trading card of a band member every month

― Fantastic. Great move. Well done (sic), Wednesday, February 19, 2020 4:09 PM bookmarkflaglink

how much to murder them

― lag∞n, Wednesday, February 19, 2020 4:10 PM bookmarkflaglink

You forgot to mention that the $420 Ultimate SP Experience also gets your name in the credits of their weekly videos, PLUS the chance to remix them, PLUS message board membership! Murdering them costs 20-to-life but is probably a bargain.

― the british empire's coming back, back back! (j/k) (Matt #2), Wednesday, February 19, 2020 4:13 PM bookmarkflaglink

hmm

― lag∞n, Wednesday, February 19, 2020 4:14 PM bookmarkflaglink

vg+

and then in 2022 we're getting a supermajority and splitting california into 7 states

― ℺ ☽ ⋠ ⏎ (✖), Sunday, February 23, 2020 3:38 AM (fourteen hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

what's that, you're confused about there being a north dakota and a south dakota? good news, we're merging them into one state called sorth dakota

― ℺ ☽ ⋠ ⏎ (✖), Sunday, February 23, 2020 3:41 AM (fourteen hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

west virginia abolished altogether. individual counties have a year to either become freeholds and establish bespoke trading terms with each other, neighbouring states, and the post-Brexit UK, or to join a new supervirginia called Best Virginia. D.C. gets statehood and ex-west-virginia's old star on the flag, and is renamed Inner Virginia. DC Comics is likewise renamed, for the sake of avoiding and/or creating confusion.

― Fantastic. Great move. Well done (sic), Sunday, February 23, 2020 5:58 AM (twelve hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

Last night:

Me: Got any homework?

Anna: Nah.

Me: Whatcha gonna do?

Anna: Have a map I’m working on.

Just found this on her desk. pic.twitter.com/9uulpX1Pve

— Craig Calcaterra (@craigcalcaterra) February 12, 2020

if we somehow survive the next ten years, imagine what candidates w/ typical lifelong internet histories will face

― brooklyn suicide cult (Dr Morbius), Tuesday, February 25, 2020 12:09 PM bookmarkflaglink

"you did WHAT on a white couch??"

― bold caucasian eroticism (Simon H.), Tuesday, February 25, 2020 12:11 PM bookmarkflaglink

Truckerhatgate

xpost lollll

At work, we have hand sanitizer dispensers on the walls, so I tend to use those instead of washing my hands after a pee, IF nobody is around. If someone else is in the bathroom I do a cursory hand wash, and then use the purell anyway. Do you know why? Touching my genitalia isn’t the dirty part. It’s touching the door handle

― El Tomboto, Tuesday, February 25, 2020 4:29 PM bookmarkflaglink

Yeah I pull the door open with my genitalia to avoid getting my hands germy

― ℺ ☽ ⋠ ⏎ (✖), Tuesday, February 25, 2020 4:33 PM bookmarkflaglink

i know i flush the toilet with my vagina ... dunno why people use their feet

"you did WHAT in front of a baby??"

Coming in here to seek respite from centrist hell at the debate.

― never have i been a blue calm sea (collardio gelatinous)

Centrist hell is other people

― Swilling Ambergris, Esq. (silby)

Biden and Nothingness

― never have i been a blue calm sea (collardio gelatinous)

nice

eliminating all cinema before 1960 or 1970 seems to be a thing; not cool, if it mattered

― brooklyn suicide cult (Dr Morbius), Thursday, February 27, 2020 6:59 AM (six hours ago)

Whatever, my real list is above, starting with Bad Timing and ending with Domestic Violence.

― flappy bird, Thursday, February 27, 2020 12:35 PM (one hour ago)

they say he lived as he listed

― strangely hookworm but they manage ream shoegaze poetry (imago), Thursday, February 27, 2020 12:38 PM (one hour ago)

iirc you "pay your dues" by doing your politicking in dive bars, then in dinky clubs, then touring regionally in spightly better clubs. Then you ink a deal with a major political party. Suddenly you're voting in stadiums and traveling in a tour bus with your logo on the side. Then you have a nightmare descent into drugs and groupies. Then rehab, a return to form, and a comeback tour. That's paying your dues.

Only after you have done so may you properly sing the blues.

― Boot edge edgelord (Ye Mad Puffin), Thursday, February 27, 2020 5:53 PM (three hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

....turn the page

― Blues Guitar Solo Heatmap (Free Download) (upper mississippi sh@kedown), Thursday, February 27, 2020 5:55 PM (three hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

In August 2000, Yahoo Serious tried to sue the search engine Yahoo! for trademark infringement. The case was thrown out because Serious could not prove that he sells products or services under the name "Yahoo" and therefore could not prove that he suffered harm or confusion due to the search engine.

― sorry for butt rockin (Neanderthal), Saturday, February 29, 2020 10:19 AM (two hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

His brother Google Serious was similarly unsuccessful with his lawsuit

― Ok bloomer (latebloomer), Saturday, February 29, 2020 11:39 AM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

We have a friend who told us *her* friend in Palo Alto just had to cancel dinner with friends because someone in that other family tested positive.

― Josh in Chicago, Saturday, 29 February 2020 21:43 (thirteen minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

tough break for Kevin Bacon

― But guess what? Nobody gives a toot!😂 (Karl Malone), Saturday, 29 February 2020 21:49 (seven minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

those are both like the best type of dad joke

those fucking river cruise ads are awful - 'come and see some of the world's most beautiful vistas on a floating disease vector with a catastrophic carbon footbprint, surrounded by awful cunts just like you'

― Generous Grant for Stepladder Creamery (bizarro gazzara), Monday, March 2, 2020 11:26 AM (twelve minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

i kinda fancy one of those holidays

― Dunty Reggae party 🎉 (Noodle Vague), Monday, March 2, 2020 11:28 AM (ten minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

I'm not "listening" to them, I happened to be channel surfing. Nothing will ever "normalize" the Trump administration.

― TikTok to the (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Monday, 2 March 2020 23:23 (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

You still have channels?

― Swilling Ambergris, Esq. (silby), Monday, 2 March 2020 23:29 (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

Cold lookin' for that hero

― TikTok to the (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Monday, 2 March 2020 23:33 (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

some editing for maximum lol effect:

How does one disinfect a shaggy dog? I honestly have no idea how to keep Teufel virally clean.
We have no yard, and he must pee. I worry more about him, and what happens with him if I get sick, than I do my 70+ yo parents.

― Save us, Covid19 (Sanpaku)

We have no yard, and he must pee

Man Ellison just isn't trying anymore.

― Stoop Crone (Trayce)

Funnier if he hasn't been dead for several years. Maybe "Rejected Ellison book titles."

dang she should've brought you in for punch-up

am completely certain sanpaku made the reference on purpose, excelsior denied

you are denied!

your mom is denied!

^^^ See, now that's a punch-up!

The marathon is 40,000 people (and that’s just the runners; god knows how many spectators) from all over the world - surely that’s a massive public health risk at the moment?

― Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Wednesday, 4 March 2020 19:14 (six minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

yeah plus the one who infects ppl would be really fast so it'd be hard to track them down

― j., Wednesday, 4 March 2020 19:17 (three minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

Impressed, y'all only bludgeoned that thing for a couple hours but nobody would ever guess that it used to be a horse.

― Waifu-ed Around and Fell in Love (Old Lunch), Thursday, 5 March 2020 00:44 (eleven hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

from the Porn: C/D thread:

seems i really missed out not having a step sister!

― i will FP you and your entire family (rip van wanko), Thursday, March 5, 2020 12:24 AM (seven hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

am completely certain sanpaku made the reference on purpose, excelsior denied

TBF I made the gag well aware that was likely the case, but ... excelsior!

it's kinda funny, my current round of dissertation research concerns the history of sewage treatment and so i'm regularly encountering passages like:

Physical pollution in New York Harbor consists of putrefying deposits of sewage solids on the bottom and shores of the bay and of floating matters of sewage origin. Discharges of oil, refuse and other waste from industrial plants and harbor craft augment the effect of pollution from sewage. Black and unsightly water out of which odorous gases are bubbling is further evidence of sewage pollution

and then i take a break and check ilx and it's like, hey, this thread! my research has contemporary relevance!
― Doctor Casino, Friday, March 6, 2020 6:41 PM (ten minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

denied

stfu

elaborate 'hurr ilx is literal sewage' gags may not be entirely inaccurate, but nor are they remotely funny imo

sorry

hurr

the post itself was interesting enough content-wise; I'm objecting to the excelsioring mostly

*knock at the door*

*knock at the door*

POLICE!! OPEN THE DOOR NOW!!

*knock at the door*

THREAD POLICE!! OPEN THE DOOR NOW!!

this is much kinder than what I was about to post

*door opens and out pours a wall of putrefying, odorous sewage*

*deputy with thread police badge*

DJP you know where the appropriate thread is for that. now where is the perp

specific user such as imago

Bit late to highlight this one, but it struck me today as one of the best album reviews I’ve ever read:

man you know...who's got two thumbs and likes to critically re-evaluate an underrated Dylan ablum? - this guy - but outside of brownsville girl & a couple others knocked out loaded is straight *poop emoji*

― Comme Si, Kamasi (upper mississippi sh@kedown)

It takes all those people to coax the president into taking a crap

worst public enemy LP ever

― majority whip, majority nae nae (m bison), Friday, March 13, 2020 9:36 AM (four minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

Irl lols

That's a winner.

lmao