Depression and what it's really like

The SSRIs take a while to really kick in so try and be patient with them!

good luck with it buddy, hope it helps

There’s an antidepressants thread

― Swilling Ambergris, Esq. (silby)

there's also a frequently bumped 77 thread that often discusses antidepressants

Hi folks, my brain is busily being my enemy again. Halp. (Also, many thanks to those of you who have already contributed your support via FB.)

hey dee. if you aren't on the '77' board, most of the personal discussion about depression has moved to a newer thread there, because '77' isn't accessible to search engines or random internet strangers. The usual method to gain access to '77' is to request it here: Request Access to 77 Borad

if you'd prefer to discuss it here, that's OK, too

LOL, I've requested twice before but apparently I don't pass muster or something, sigh.

I did the same long ago iirc, no dice

must have been an oversight by the mods, it's not selective (well maybe if you were a totally new poster they might question it but that would be the extent of it)

dee, you're in.

― mod, Monday, March 2, 2020 2:36 PM (four hours ago)

very confused lately. i'm a melancholic person by nature, but i can't say i usually experience loneliness or sadness too often; i'm too optimistic, content in my own company, well-spirited... though i feel really stuck, of late. i suspect it's mostly alienation surrounding how technology has changed, how the internet has centralized, alongside a sense of community becoming marginalized, ofc w covid, too.

i spent much of my teens and early twenties living in the past, with my head in the clouds - but i'm lucid and present, these days. i don't look to the past anymore. my memories are a bit of a haze, and i have c-ptsd, but i dunno. i wake up every day with energy and zeal, but it's hard to feel like anything is moving, anymore. it's hard to make connections when you don't watch netflix, play sports, use your smartphone... it's like i don't even know where people are hanging out online, anymore (shout out ilxors for keeping the dream alive). growing up, it felt like online community was vibrant, exciting, but now we're in this post-net malaise... it makes me sad to think about. i really do feel like i can't take much more of the internet. all i seem to do is fill in captchas, passwords, verifications, see junk emails, advertisements... it's just no fun anymore. i open my browser and think... huh, really, where is there to go, anymore...?

mark fisher expressed it well enough, and i know he too was optimistic about it - but i dunno. i feel so much art now is clouded in nostalgia. everyone i know has this feeling of the 90s being "when everything was okay". it's strange to have such instantaneous, constant connection yet feel like nobody is really conversing. nobody likes phone calls anymore. where do i even find a pen pal? how can you talk to a stranger with their airpods in?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCgkLICTskQ

growing up online, i was able to freely explore my identity, sexuality, gender, personality, music taste, and reach community with anonymity, relative privacy and a sense of fun. i feel like it's been all but completely revoked, yet nobody seems to be concerned, and virtuality is increasingly enmeshed with daily life. i kinda want out, but i know it's more of a inconvenience to live without than to live with. i've been getting offline more, i guess, but it's strange - to be switched off when everybody else is wired.

idfk anymore

I feel ya. Sendin good vibes

I was just reading about the explosion of chatbots in China and found the idea really depressing... there are like millions of people that sneak off to the bathroom for a few minutes to chat with somebody who doesn't exist. Seems so dystopian.

Today's WWW is pretty darn soulless and really exists only to monetize ever dwindling attention spans.

very glad i grew up before cell phones.
maybe try a personal and self-imposed device purge for a month, see what cold turkey does.
Try POTTERY

didn't think I was one of those "dreading the end of the COVID era" ppl but then I got one dose on friday and now it's just a barrage of crying jags, very cool, love to be alive

it's a bad time right now

sorry forks

I don’t know if you can share much about what’s happening, forks, but you know you can always vent (at extreme length! that’s what I do) here of you need to. You’re a good person, hang in there.

<3 forks

(or shoot me an email if you want, forks, too. just know there's people for you)

Ya same forks, reach out if you need an ear <3

Much love, forks.

♥️ u forks

thanks guys. still cruising along slowly. it's mental health issues that amassed during covid and that are manifesting now as depression, anxiety, moodiness, insomnia, increased OCD. Also dealing with chronic pain for like year 8 now? I am making a point of discussing it with everyone (non-business related) that I see both to destigmatize and to clarify my state of mind. Not sure if that's brilliant but it feels necessary.

been doing a lot of "fake it till you make it" activity but i'm just not reacting well to any stressors and having a hard time getting in the shower in the mornings.

I know those feelings. I can bully myself out of bed most mornings, but at the cost of feeling like I'm going to snap at some innocent bystander who said the wrong thing at the wrong time.

i'm sorry, forks. really fucking frustrating to be taking active steps to help yourself and then feel like shit all the same, sometimes.

and the chronic pain thing. all i have is sciatica down my right leg, for the last few years, and some days it is just unbearable. even when it's not, it's an added stressor - a real physical one - to everything else that's going on.

<3 forks. i think discussing it or being open about it is a good thing. i overdid/over-do that still, i think. but it really helped me. it felt good to just be like "i'm depressed but i've realized that if i'm high all the time, i feel better". then the guy holding the door open for me at burger king is like "......" but hey

yesterday i asked to pet a couple's dog on the sidewalk, and the way i did it was so fucking weird and bad that i yelled at myself all day over it. kind of ruined my own day! and all day i wished that i could just know if those two people thought i was really bad and weird afterward or if they totally didn't notice and went on with their day.

dwelling. it's bad

dude at burger king really wants to get your number but doesn't know how to ask without making it weird(er).

the seething rage/overfocusing on minor shit is an ongoing thing too. angry all the time about dumb shit! My refrigerator failed yesterday and it sent my whole day in a tailspin... i only ended up losing some ice cream but i ended up gameplanning a whole "here's how i'm going to break my lease" fantasy over it for no reason. Helping my mother-in-law set up her roku led to an hour long rant about technology. i am becoming dangerously cranky and i'm not sure how to stop. working on it.

i know everyone suggests this, although maybe not to this degree, but:

when i went away for a while after my dad died, i wasn't even thinking "no internet". i knew i wanted to go somewhere by myself, somewhere remote, and paint. but i figured i'd have at least some cell reception, especially as when i drove out there it had reception almost all the way to the cabin.

but then, blissfully, i had zero internet for about 19 days straight (minus a couple days in the middle when i went to a small town nearby). longest i've been without internet since my parents got the internet (14.4kbps i believe?). the first few days went painlessly because i was in full-on "i'm high in the woods painting and no one can seeeeee meeeee!" mode. but even after that, I was amazed at how quickly i got used to not being able to check for news, not being able to check on anything. it was nice to wake up and think "i wonder if it's going to rain today". stuff like that.

anyway, everyone says go do that, go internet-less for a while. i couldn't really do it until i had to do it, if it makes sense. and i am back on the internet now. but if you need it, going remote for a bit can be a good reset

oh shit, this is the thread that isn't on 77! well, anyway, it doesn't matter. i'm trying to reconcile secret/public selves recently, even creative/professional selves. no more have a dozen different "versions" for every situation. or at least, maybe no more than 2 or 3. you have to have a few different modes, i guess, depending on the situation. speaking of oversharing and stuff like that, you've probably noticed that here and other places i'm just like "well yeah my dad just died of ignorance". that can't be good, right? what can anyone say? i' sure it's partly attention-grabbing woe is me kind of behavior, but i also think it's coming from trying not to bury that part of me that feels like shouting it all the time. it comes out of my mouth or my fingers and it's a little ugly right now, but i don't think i'll do it forever, and it feels much better than burying it somewhere hidden

oh lol, i also thought this was 77! Ah well, anybody who's doing 100% fine immediately post-covid is a worse headcase than me imo.

i think i'm sinking a little, again. i've moved house five times in the past two years; domesticity has always been unstable for me, on supported income from govt, i'm discriminated against by many landlords, so it's hard to find somewhere decent and comfortable. i landed in london a couple of months ago with just a suitcase, having gotten rid of most of my belongings out of necessity - to ease these transitions. i've wiped the slate clean and burned bridges with people so many times that i feel like i don't know who i am anymore, or rather what i'm doing here. two years out of work from prolonged chronic pain & c-ptsd. i have no family and a ton of memories, many painful, that revisit me every day. thinking about any time before this year feels like a past life. i remain optimistic and don't succumb to laziness, but i remember always having some sort of wind in my sails in younger years, naivety and joy and always a friends house to go-to. but now there is really no-one. no-one calls. no-one seems to want to answer the phone anymore. though i find joy in little moments of the day, still, i feel estranged from society. having nothing and no-one to take care of, tend to, no work or projects to chew on. i am just about making ends meet with my benefits. confused with memories, but still trying to listen to a still small voice within and be grateful for meals, candlelight, a sunset, a bed. i recently left someone i was seeing for four months because they had no interests, ambitions, passions in anything at all. it was confusing to be with someone solely for physical intimacy - i didn't see the point. it's left me feeling so fucking weird. idk what's next right now. i take care of myself, i still feel full of life, but i don't know why i am here anymore, or what is making a difference. things felt so much more vivid once upon a time.

Maelin - I hope that helped to write down; sometimes just writing stuff down gets it out of your head for a moment, and that can be of help.

If you're in London, you're in the northern hemisphere... are you affected by the changing of the seasons? I'm normally fairly positive/happy-go-lucky but I've recently been feeling a 'oh what's the point?' vibe and I wonder if the falling leaves and darkening skies are a part of that

Maelin - there’s a lot that’s already positive in your post…I suspect that you may mainly need to find an activity or cause you can be passionate about,put yourself into it and make new connections.

maelin, from a long way away, my heart goes out to you. and i'm sorry you are finding yourself in this lonely place.

my depression has returned. it's honestly a fairly polite guest. i feel like i'm closer than ever to seeing the profile and location of it in me. this makes it feel smaller, and i can see space around it. but it doesn't evict it. i guess i'll just have to let it be a roommate, though i wish it would help with the rent :)

thank you andy, luna, linda for kind words. endless days of grey weather does get to me a little, but i don't suffer from SAD. autumn can be a magic time of the year in its way.

linda, it's so healthy to acknowledge, personify and be objective about one's sadness that way!

i know once i get in the gym and begin to make progress with fitness i could balance out my stuff. i don't know a lot about clinical psychology, though i suspect serotonin depletion and prolonged computer probably affect me. hope to take up resolutions of new hobbies & activities in the new year. i know that i feel most fulfilled when i'm serving others, that's for sure...

Maelin are you me? No, I am thankful that my family is mostly supportive while still mostly dysfunctional. I certainly empathize with your situation though. The cycle of isolation and rumination has really been hitting me hard lately, but seasonal changes do affect me too. I take vitamin D to help with SAD, if your budget isn't too limited maybe you could try it too, just to see if it helps get you over the hump.

From a distance what you describe sounds like you're coping with a recent loss (or losses). I find that my mood is generally strongly influenced by my expectations of the future. Recently having had some major setbacks with regards to my prospects in the near term has led me to this place where I feel like I need to carefully manage my mood much of the time.

I will also note that being in London in general made me feel quite isolated, I found basically everywhere else I went in the UK much more welcoming. The level of gentrification in London leaves me feeling almost totally left out. Maybe it feels more like home to you tho. (Personally Edinburgh would be my first stop if I was forced to find somewhere to settle in Britain, sorry hope that doesn't seem blithe.)

thanks for chiming in viborg. i feel you. my tenancy ends in february, and i'll likely move back to the endless woods & beautiful nature of leeds, yorkshire. it's the only place that's ever felt like home to me. i literally have no idea what i'm doing here; i thought it'd be exciting, but i should have known it'd be ridiculously hard to meet people. i find major cities in the uk are much the same now to be honest, but pockets and rural corners and coastlines keep me feeling alive and in touch with the world better. life is fast and noisy almost everywhere now, even online. i hope your vit D helps. i take magnesium, valerian, iron. finally getting bored of drinking at least, so that's helping

all the best to you, maelin. hope you can find nourishing ppl and pockets of London while you’re there.

not doing great today. really haven’t felt like doing anything lately. minimal interest in stuff. Low attention span. Don’t even feel like reading books or following sports. Just kinda feeling like that Marcin Gortat interview where he talked about being alone and just staring at a wall during the off-season. why do I remember that interview?

Cheers Maelin. It's true that I did seem to actually notice some of the same people when I was in London and Edinburgh, maybe they aren't so distinct.

Brimstead that's tough, I can almost always find motivation to read. Are you getting some exercise if possible? If I can't find any motivation to do anything else just going on a walk sometimes helps. But I'm sure for some folks it can just be draining on top of all the other crap, if it's an option at all.

Lots of great semi-wild walking paths in Edinburgh at least, I didn't find that in London.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, fucking fuck, fuck. truth & language can only gesture at each other across an abyss but/and/therefore FUCK

are you on 77 cat? we have a depresso thread there that's google proofed (it's the one i tend to read at least, for that reason)

sorry you're feeling bad <3

thanx karl, i'll be okay <3 reckon i oughta weasel my way onna 77 at last, i hear they have photos relevant to my interests anyway

(don’t want anyone 2 feel like they need to throw me a lifeline or anything, i always get through this, just want to wallow a little)

well, sometimes it takes a minute to get added on there so feel free to wallow here if you want. :) i am drinking a pbr and little children are laughing and playing in the dark outside. i'm listening to GAS Zauberberg and everything is very intense and crackly. :-O

that sounds really nice. we have wind here that’s been saying variations on WHOOSH since yesterday, just infinite whooshings.

hey you know a super cool way to live yr life is to put off doing things that you know will make you feel bad until multiple deadlines are on you like that scene where the alien is snuffling ripley’s face, except there are several aliens, but you kind of just want to let the deadlines go by anyway because fuck everything, how bad can it really be to get torn apart by aliens? this is my lifestyle guru brand.

ugh, do you have a regular work schedule i guess, heading back in tomorrow? sometimes sunday nights are the woooorst if you're dreading going back in

it’s money stuff, and family stuff, and death stuff, and work stuff. everything is cool, everything will be okay, just gonna do the damn things and then i will live happily ever after, nothing but blue skies and green lights forever more! no, everything will be like it is now but maybe not worse. well i mean of course everything will get worse but at least not in certain particular ways which can be prevented by my doing the damn things. whoosh whoosh whoosh, says the wind. pls stfu already, i tell the wind. i freaking get it, whoosh, now stop. wind continues whooshing.