star wars 9 grim resignation thread

glad at least one person out there is using their blue check for good

The (actually pretty dark) RedLetter take down of the hype cites about a half dozen, maybe more, publications that used a verbatim headline about the movie breaking box office records before it's even opened.

I'm skipping my screening tonight because why not

did you leave your onions at home? poor form imo

https://st2.depositphotos.com/6043720/10152/i/950/depositphotos_101527574-stock-photo-little-boy-with-two-bulbs.jpg

is... is that a glass of onion juice

the featured Star Wars-themed cocktail at my drafthouse-style theater, no doubt

which we drink while dancing to Larry Levan's remix of "Lapti Nek"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrOSuY12Rrs

That or this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfUxy7PdHxY

is that a glass of onion juice

― WHEEL! OF! FORESKIN! (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, December 17, 2019 4:30 PM (thirty minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

doo dah! doo dah!

A rebus 4 u all

― Welcome to the Sandwich Trough (Old Lunch), Tuesday, December 17, 2019 3:07 PM (two hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

Don't know what you're getting at here but Rebus was a Human male Imperial Moff at the start of the Galactic Civil War. He was a noted weapons designer and created the prototype weapons for the Empire's dark trooper battle droids. He chose the sewage systems of Anoat as his hideout and installed a sophisticated series of defenses to prevent intruders from reaching his lab. However, while investigating the Dark Trooper Project for the Alliance to Restore the Republic, the mercenary Kyle Katarn was able to infiltrate Rebus's base and capture the Moff. During his interrogation, Rebus revealed information that helped Katarn track down the source of the dark troopers and eliminate them.

Rebus gained a reputation as a weapons designer during the years leading up to the Battle of Yavin and, by 0 ABY, held the rank of Moff in the Galactic Empire. Around that time he operated out of a hidden stronghold, deep within the subterranean sewage system under Anoat City,[1] the long-abandoned sole settlement on Anoat in the Anoat sector.[2]

The sewage system itself was mammoth and extremely confusing to navigate, all the while being virtually pitch black, making the use of a head lamp or infrared goggles imperative. Rebus made sure that even the smartest of trespassers were prevented from finding the route to his lab through the largely unexplored array of durasteel sewage tunnels by engineering a complicated series of drain gate switches. While the dianogas that infested the sewers provided a natural defense against intruders, Rebus also surrounded himself with Viper probe droids, IT-O Interrogator droids, and remote droids, ready to attack any trespassers in various areas within the sewer complex. Several Gran thugs, armed with thermal detonators, were also employed to provide further protection.[1]

Around the time of the Battle of Yavin, Rebus designed the prototype weapons for the Empire's dark troopers, a series of advanced battle droids developed under General Rom Mohc. The dark trooper weapons, which bore the initials M.R. on the barrel as his signature, were tested on Fest in the Atrivis sector, and Rebus was pleased with the results. The weapons were used to devastating effect by dark troopers during the Imperial attack on the Alliance to Restore the Republic's base on Talay. Tak Base was destroyed within minutes and many innocent inhabitants of Talay were killed along with the Rebels. In the aftermath of the attack, Rebel agent Kyle Katarn traveled to Talay to investigate and discovered a prototype dark trooper weapon. When Katarn's partner, Rebel agent Jan Ors, discovered Rebus's signature on the device, it led the pair to Anoat in search of the Moff.[1]

Katarn proceeded into the sewer system and was able to successfully activate the drain gate switches and navigate to the Moff's lab. He found Rebus in his hideout, simply sitting in a brown chair holding a large weapon. Rebus put up no resistance whatsoever, and was captured and subsequently questioned on the Dark Trooper Project. Though he was uncooperative during questioning, providing the Rebels with little useful information, Rebus mentioned the results of the tests on Fest during one of his rants. The existence of an Imperial Weapons Research Facility on Fest was soon confirmed by the Rebel spy Crix Madine, and Katarn proceeded to Fest to search for clues. He recovered a sample of phrik from Fest, which was used in the construction of dark troopers and helped him to track down their source. Katarn eventually eliminated Mohc and put an end to the dark troopers.[1]

OMG

Human absurdity, thy name is Wookieepedia.

(BTW the solution to my non-Moff Rebus rebus: Poe, Rey, C-3PO, Teebo. Sing it out loud.)

Wow fantastic gibberish star wars-ese rap in that Meco Ewok song, shoutout to "two way pock-a-way Obi Wan Kenobi"

xp: lol, thanks for the hint.

that sewer level was a bitch.

I hear after the credits, Comic Book Guy comes out and says "Worst Episode ever", then Finn shoots him

Lapti Nek do do do do do do

I would guess rapping about Obi Wan is problematic cos too many would rhyme "Kenobi" with "blow me"

Gonna see this tomorrow afternoon because free time but am pretty indifferent. Hope the sound design is still on point at the very least.

The Last Jedi's the best I've the new ones I've seen, and if the casino planet were cut I'd even say it's a Good Movie.

I would guess rapping about Obi Wan is problematic cos too many would rhyme "Kenobi" with "blow me"

real name, no gimmicks

I thought the casino planet part was good. I enjoyed that the landscape was modeled on Monte Carlo. The only part that didn’t completely work was having the characters ride on those CGI beasts. Technology has advanced and it didn’t look as silly as Kenobi riding on the big lizard in Revenge of the Sith but it still looked a little silly.

don't worry they ride horse looking things in the new one for some god damned reason

i dont love the casino part but tbh i dont think ppl would be talking about it today without the cgi beast riding

I'm on record as loving the diminutive drunk guy who thinks BB-8 is a slot machine

After Dexter Jettster, no creature in the SW universe has ever approached that level of awful again

having enjoyed Star Wars and Return Of The Jedi as a child I can only endorse a scene in a star war where the heroes go to some kind of bar/party environment filled with amusing-looking alien monsters

slot machine dude is lols and takes up about 4 seconds of movie

he was apparently voiced by Mark Hammill, lol

I was looking forward to the 'bar/party environment filled with amusing-looking monsters' more than anything going into TLJ (probably TFA also) and just had expectations too high.

If you haven't seen the deleted scenes from the ownable release there's an awful/funny/both bit during the Fathier chase with a pink cyclops in a bath house...wow these sure are some words I have just typed.

But also a good music montage showing more of the freaky looking characters in the casino just wandering around (not part of the film just from dailies I guess).

Yikes.1,5 stars. 'The Rise of Skywalker is what happens when a franchise gives up': https://www.vox.com/culture/2019/12/18/21021188/star-wars-rise-of-skywalker-review-no-spoilers

the Slant review is very similar, though it's one of those bad reviews that makes the movie sound inadvertently interesting

Yeah, I'm honestly beginning to think I might like this one the most of the new films, lol. But it sounds like it's going to be a disaster on a franchise-level.

for the record, the two things on Kathleen Kennedy's slate with a date attached are Untitled Indiana Jones Project (2021) and Who Framed Roger Rabbit 2 (2022)

on the plus side maybe we'll all be dead by then

Is this what audiences demand from franchise movies? Films that cater to what’s comfortable and capitulates to the most unimaginative fans?

Tbf, they're talking about the 9th film in the series packed with familiar characters and places. This rhetorical question has an answer.

Some of the pull quotes in metacritic seem to sum it up pretty well.

"Rise of the Skywalker isn’t an ending, a sequel, a reboot, or a remix. It’s a zombie."

"The more accurate way to describe it, I think, is as an epic failure of nerve."

"The Rise of Skywalker — Episode IX, in case you’ve lost count — is one of the best. Also one of the worst. Perfectly middling. It all amounts to the same thing."

I like the Time Out NY take on Abrams as droid, sent in to dutifully and without emotion tidy things up.

Droids' lack of lack of emotion has been generally a good thing about Star Wars!

give David Fincher the next trilogy imo

A trilogy about a serial killer whose crimes follow a curious pattern: he only murders death stars.

It's perhaps instructive to look over the Walt Disney Pictures slate from the past several years to get a clear sense of where the corporation's priorities lie these days.

Domestically-released original films and properties newly-adapted by Disney, 2016-present:

The Finest Hours
Zootopia
The BFG
Queen of Katwe
Moana
Coco
A Wrinkle in Time
The Nutcracker and the Four Realms

Sequels/remakes/sequels of remakes of previous Disney films:

The Jungle Book
Alice Through the Looking Glass
Finding Dory
Pete's Dragon
Beauty and the Beast
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
Cars 3
Incredibles 2
Christopher Robin
Ralph Breaks the Internet
Mary Poppins Returns
Dumbo
Aladdin
Toy Story 4
The Lion King
Maleficent: Mistress of Evil
Frozen II

They seem to be trending in a particular direction but I can't quite put a name to it...

Like I would not be the slightest bit surprised if they announced that the next SW project is a remake of the OG trilogy.

I don't yet think they're that stupid, but they would clearly love to do it.

But this is beginning to feel like a Justice League sized debacle.

This clearly can't be what they hoped would happen when they paid 4 billion for the franchise.

I wouldn't have thought they'd spend half a decade dragging their vaunted animated classics through the uncanny valley, either, but here we are.

I'm reserving judgment until I see the thing, but if the impression left by the blurbs is sound, I'd argue that pandering directly to one aging and increasingly-conservative segment of the audience isn't really the best growth strategy. Like I can't imagine the kids of today are going to harbor much real affection for this trilogy. Because it's only sorta incidentally for them.

this ended up being one of ILE's more prophetic thread titles huh

xp I don't know about that - Rey / Finn / Kylo / Poe are pretty popular.

The bit where they stop making the new Trilogy and launch off into "maybe our filler films have hit gold-dirt" was always going to be a little risky, and I'd be amazed if anyone high-up said "No, this will definitely work, the 'Star Wars Stories will have eclipsed the number films by then".

This clearly can't be what they hoped would happen when they paid 4 billion for the franchise.

Dude, it's Star Wars - they weren't paying purely to make money off the films (also they have already made a lot of money off the films)

xp stopped clock

I know that, Andrew, clearly they are making money off of this. But they're Disney! They're making so much money off of remaking everything they already own, so why would they spend 4 billion on a franchise that might just be as good a moneymaker as the stuff they already have! They needed this to work on a whole other level. They paid almost as much for Star Wars as they did for Marvel, and with Marvel they make three billion making films a year, without annoying too many people, other than Scorsese fans.