star wars 9 grim resignation thread

the rebels are space whalers

How to Catch a Hutt

Some people call me a space whaler
Some call me a gangster of Hutt

Good read

https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/how-victoria-mahoney-became-first-female-star-wars-director-guest-column-1260385

The whole bomber intro was incredibly dumb for a variety of reasons, and it sets up most of the dumb stuff that follows.

Including the slow-speed pursuit / “we’re running out of fuel” / “let’s sneak away to that nearby planet”

I also think the entire casino planet plotline (up to & including the confrontation with Phasma) is reeeeeally bad and should have been excised

Morrisp's cut of TLJ:

*opening crawl*

*camera pans down*

*smash cut to*

DIRECTED BY MORRISP

Many xps, the harpoons are tow cables, for towing things. That does at least make a little more sense than the styluses hanging from the TLJ salt-speeders.

The casino planet could definitely been trimmed down. I liked Benicio though--sometimes I think I'm the only one who did. I just like my Galaxy full of dodgy weirdos, I guess.

Haha... when a movie runs 2.53 hrs, I reserve the right to mentally re-edit 😛

Xp I dont hate TLJ but Benicio was far & away my favorite part, I was very disappointed when he left the story

the casino part was really bad and felt like the prequels to me

I didn't like the casino and thought Benicio, with his ridiculous speech impediment, was bad not good

the casino part was really bad and felt like the prequels to me

I don't get the casino scene hate really.

A lot of goofy CGI aliens mixed with some facile points about space capitalism and Finn's constant bumbling.

you went looking for subtlety in THIS franchise?

though actually, compared to how symbolism and political messages were handled when Lucas ran the show, the short capitalism bit wasn't really that over the top, comparatively speaking.

like it was literally Rose's short "look closer" moment, Benicio's revelation of war profiteering (which also was perhaps a minute long).

anyway, predictions...

*Palpatine's remains went into the Death Star II and exploded. Like Dr Manhattan and Voldemort, he began reconstructing his body after his death, and right now he's a head, an arm, and a leg, and a butt cheek. he is weak and he can only provide limited spiritual support and weak force trickery.

*Rey isn't actually the daughter of junk traders, she's the byproduct of human-force ghost breeding. Kenobi's lonely force ghost fucked a day trader on Jakku.

*Snoke is revealed to be Ethel Merman

imo casino planet was fine and cool, it was the horse-riding wacky chase scene that made it lame. but the overall point of this plotline is great: finn, rose and poe all think the solution has to be to carry out some crazy underdog star-wars type scheme, and actually this was totally stupid and counterproductive and they all need to step up their ideas of what being a "rebel" is and why they're doing this whole thing (h/t to david sims who i think i'm cadging this from, mostly).

yeah exactly, it was kind of the inversion of the typical Star Wars plot point, where the misfits are told not to do something that has a 1000-1 shot of working, they do it anyway and it turns out it was the right thing to do all along.

I appreciate that, but I feel the same point was made effectively in the “inpatient youth vs. calm older women” intra-Resistance conflict on the ship.

*”impatient”

that's how hotshot pilot poe learns the lesson, for finn it's this different thing, idk

yeah, Finn is defying orders (stupidly) right up until his lover crashes him out

although ironically Finn is an inpatient youth at the start of the movie amirite

lol

LOLx2

“Rise... Darth Skywalker”

end credits recapitulate title with THE RISE OF SKYWALKER then normal fanfare plays

"to be continued with three more movies directed by Uwe Boll"

btw if ppl wanna shit talk Star Wars 8 I just made this brand new thread: Star Wars 8 shit talk

Good call - let’s keep this thread silent and the lines open, in case anything happens in the next five days!

I guess my understanding of the advanced physics that make possible the transportation technology of the Star Wars milieu is not sufficiently developed to enable me to make any confident statements about what is realistic or not. Could there be slow bombers? Maybe? Could there be some reason to drag a needle in red snow? I guess? My criteria basically boil down to: does it look cool? But I get that tastes differ.

I get the impression that those bombers weren't meant to be flown in heavy crossfire and were meant to do Enola Gay-esque bomb dropping which is why Poe got screamed at afterward

It'S NOT SNOW IT'S SALT

GAWD

it's cocaine iirc

roll it up in some death sticks

I totally forgot the last one ended with Jedi street urchins or something. I wonder if this new one will feature an army of children to the rescue? It would certainly save on Ewok costumes.

It'S NOT SNOW IT'S SALT

"It's not snow, it's poiso ... agggh!"

"it's...bird shit"

Abrams has anticipated the audience groaning when he introduces what appears to be yet another desert planet in the next installment until the 'sand' is revealed to be graham cracker crumbs.

Surprised there is no character named Guano.

Lol @ old lunch

Missed my opportunity to make the now-obvious '(tastes sand) Sir...it's a dessert planet!' joke.

'...Raspberry!'

My kids and I want a Spaceballs II so badly

read some alleged spoilers for this and: lol

No one believed me when I told them that the Skywalker referred to in the title was in fact Luke's new husband Kylo, bet you're all embarrassed now.

Rey is Darth Plagueis