Canceling Ellen and the NFL: QUEER FALL of 2019

Ah this isn't gay or anything, maybe it is? It isn't. Last week I was in my group chat and the dude who writes the lyrics for the band Fucked Up said he was sitting at Whole Foods feeling uninspired in his writing and I offered the following.

People think they're getting their foods... WHOLE
Organic produce won't give you a... SOUL
Quit your job, tell your boss to eat your... POLE
This is a tasty cinnamon... ROLL

When I'm shopping at Whole... FOODS
This yuppie scum can get awful... RUDE
They try to X me out with their atti... TUDE
The muffins, gotta say, they are pretty... GOOD

The salad buffet is the fuckin'... JAM
But I'm not gonna give my money to the... MAN
Dinosaur kale and purple... YAMS
I hide 'em in my pants, my crucial... SCAM

Uh oh, here come the organic... PIGS
They saw me lifting cheese and imported... FIGS
I hit the ground running, when they zag, I... ZIG
Scored a fancy rider, on to the... GIG

Now I'm chowing down at the hardcore... SHOW
Fancy fucking lettuce and peas of... SNOW
Dip 'em in the hummus, that's how I... GO
Ben n Jerry's in the pit, flavour: cookie... DOUGH

Now Fucked Up dude and I have decided to write a kid's album called "Scams From The Grocery Store", like a beginner's guide to petty theft. Song titles include: "Free Food", "Every Day's Your Birthday", and "Toys R Yrs"

What If... Young Money invented rap?

Dinosaur kale and purple... YAMS
I hide 'em in my pants, my crucial... SCAM

This is my favorite part.

Lol I wondered where that format subliminally came from

i just watched Bodied and the raps were better there

so like, i had a threesome with this guy the other week and he was gorgeous
and then i had another threesome with him but like, i definitely couldn't perform bc i had the drogas in my system and i had already hooked up with someone else that night
and it was ... SO EMBARRASSING
and now i think HE BLOCKED ME ON GRINDR
i'm mortified. MORTIFIED. anything you can say to help me feel better would be great.
i mean... this was a level of depression so bad that i literally missed my flight back home for Thanksgiving and instead slept in my bed for two days. and now i haven't had sex in a week and i'm going to pull my hair out.

Oh surm
Being blocked on Grindr is NO THING, happens to everybody. When I was in my post-breakup sex spiral, I had this totally hot couple hitting me up for a third, and they were abt to give me their address, and I was stepping into the shower, and then they asked me for a body pic and I sent them one, got out of the shower and... BLOCKED.

It’s not a judgement on your sexiness it’s just an effective way of expressing no-interest. Just think of all the people you see on the app where it’s a “no” and feel the same camaraderie and respect for those people— just no desire.

Right, right. Ugh. The first time we threed he asked me to hold him after. Whatevs. I'm not going to let it break me. Ffs.

Just remember the good one! That sounds really nice!

love your posts surm and fgti

I read about grindr like I do about new Tarantino films

things I will never experience

How do you pull, Morbs?

Oh by the way, noted homosexual documentarian Matt Wolf has just announced his forthcoming masterpiece today, which I proudly did the score for, I'm so fucking excited this movie is amazing

https://www.instagram.com/p/B5qjTJTljSk/

i saw recorder! amazing and profound film

Right? he's the best

<3 Dan

i saw 4 boys this weekend i feel like i accomplished something

I have to tell u that I just got irrationally angry with a bad kisser
Like he kept pointing his little tongue in my mouth. I wanted to slap him silly
And his breath was not good
I had to pretend I couldn't keep it up just to get him out of my apartment.

what's on deck for the weekend everyone

a glogg party

is glogg eggnog?

nope

mulled wine

YUM

w/ extra ingredients

omg like what? acid?

HI!

probably not this batch, surm. jim beam.

ok i love both so
i loved those ads with Mila Kunis
like, i really started buying Jim Beam after that
so they worked!!!
https://www.ispot.tv/ad/7Bsg/jim-beam-make-history-featuring-mila-kunis

hmmmmmm i've gained 20 lbs

My queer acts for the day:

(1) listening to Tyler's IGOR
(2) looking at Shawn Mendes photos in bathing suits

he's really somethin' else isn't he?

well, yeah

https://img.srgcdn.com/e//RzY4QWVXMDhySzVZWlF2djlRaGkuanBn.jpg

who looks like that

Shawn Mendes.

I can subsist on one of his calves through 2045.

that's really fucked up
the rest of us are trying to just sustain a semblance of an arm muscle and there's that out there in the world

I’m not! I’m skinny af these days and ok with it

I read an article about how music stans are bad, and I wanted to ask how many music writers had actually been stalked and had their lives threatened

But instead decided to chime in here and say there’s nothing really wrong with a world where you can a. get fucked in the ass and b. watch Star Wars after getting fucked in the ass

p sure I have never heard any sounds made by Shawn Mendes or many other hairless twinks

ok here's the thing
i looked at myself in the mirror today and i was like
i'm glad i gained 20 lbs kind of cuz i look kind of hot
ALSO
i haven't wanted to fuck hairless twinks lately...

Twinks are good for nothing irl and only good for one thing on the porn-consumption front (hint: it rhymes with luge Bilbo inversion diddy-ohs)

i thought you guys were talking sean mendes the director haha. i was like "wait the older guy in the back-right?". those people look insufferable to me tbh.

in the "photos of people i'd like to do immediately" category:

https://beatsinspace.net/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/juanmaclean2019.jpg

That's SAM "1917" Mendes, mappy

i haven't gotten laid since Saturday

omg so i've been topping
did i tell you guys this

it's really very interesting

what is interesting about it??

It is! You can pretend you're God, watching your lover, as Bette Midler said, from a distance.

i don't know how ppl really want it i guess
you know i'm into the other stuff
i mean ppl get really into it, i do get off on the power trip thing i have tbh

I think there's a biological desire for men to feel like they're being "useful" and topping (and topping well) satisfies that desire

lol that's a very interesting point and it's v true

why i like to top is i'm very into my dick feeling good