The Bobby Gillespie Bullshit game

(WARNING may contain Boab)

Excellent Boaby content tbh

A number of public and cultural figures have signed a letter in support of Jeremy Corbyn to be distributed to newspapers and media outlets. Boab is not one of the signatories. He is not best pleased.

*Coldplay ringtone. Brian Eno answers*

BRI: Hello, Eno speaking.

BOAB: Holl', it's me.

BRI: Me? Who's me?

BOAB: Boaby fuckin' Gillespie, that's who.

BRI (slight pause): Oh, Mr. Gillespie, to what do I owe the considerable pleasure?

BOAB: Here, never mind that shite, whit's the sketch wi' this letter?

BRI: Letter? Forgive me...

BOAB: The fuckin' letter supporting fuckin' Corbyn, don't get wide wi' me, baldy.

BRI (bristling): Right, what about the letter?

BOAB: How am ah no' oan it?

BRI: ... er, I...

BOAB: Ah mean, ah've no' even heard o' hauf o' the cunts who ur oan it...

BRI: ... well it's...

BOAB: Plus it's fuhll o' fuckin' Yanks - like that lanky cunt, Thurston Moore. Whose fuckin' band ur shite, by the way, ah mean where's aw his gold records? Oh aye, that's right, *voice rising to a pitch* he's no' fuckin' goat any! Let me ask ye this, big yin - were his band a key part of the mid-1980s indie pop scene, eventually moving away from their jangly sound, taking on more psychedelic and garage rock influences, before incorporating a dance music element to their sound with their 1991 album Screamadelica, which broke them into the mainstream? Ah, don't fuckin' think so, mate.

BRI: He does actually live in the UK these days.

BOAB: Aye, using oor NHS and livin' aff benefits fae ma tax money, ah'll fuckin' bet!

BRI: If you don't mind me saying that is a bit reactionary?

BOAB: Reactionary? I'll react oan you in a fuckin' minute and, while ah'm at it, whit the fuck ur you daein' oan it, ah thoat you were a fuckin' Lib Dem these days?

BRI (heavy sigh): Not this again. Nick Clegg...

*Boab blows a raspberry*

BRI (clearing throat): ... Nick Clegg hired me as an advisor on youth issues...

*sniggering from Boab*

BRI (firmly): ... on youth issues, but that's as far it went, I imagine he felt he needed someone who was more in touch with the concerns of young peop...

*sentence interrupted by a full minute of hysterical laughter from Boab*

BRI: ... if you've quite finished.

BOAB (wiping tears away): ... aw man ... ah'm sorry man but... noo ah've heard everyhin'! Fuckin' Brian fuckin' Eno 'hinks he can talk to the kids oan the street, how you gonnae dae that? Wi' a 90 minute album of a fuckin' tap runnin'? Ya fuckin' clown!

BRI: Right this phone call is going nowhere.

BOAB: Aye, and your fuckin' letter is goin' nowhere! Stick yer fuckin' feather boa up yer erse, ah preferred yer earlier funnier albums anyway! Bryan Ferry was better looking than you, he was a better dresser than you, he had more hair, he told funnier jokes, and he could dance the pants off of you!

BRI:.. OK, I'm hanging up now.

BOAB (still fulminating): ... with your cigars. With your brandy. And your rotten painting, rotten! Bryan Ferry, there was a painter. He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!

*Boab's wife enters the room*

MRS BOAB: Robert, I've just had a nice phone conversation with an American chap called Thurston Moore, he's interested in maybe working with you.

BOAB (with childlike glee): Is he?!?!?! Here, that's smashing that! I've always liked that Sonic Youth. Wait tae ah tell the guys in the band!

*BOAB runs off almost skipping*

sublime

a 90 minute album of a fuckin' tap runnin'

would listen *puts it on and listens*

tom and savage pencil need to do an oor boaby annual together

Xp it’s probably in here somewhere http://everynoise.com/new_releases_by_genre.cgi?region=GB&albumsonly=true&style=cards&date=&genre=global&artistsfrom=#water

that link makes me want to pee

ilm is good again

Track by track commentary from Bobby for 2013's clunker "More Light"? Yes please! He manages to misquote JG Ballard within the first minute.

https://open.spotify.com/album/6hIPAoP6Y5N2CLuyhzNmaL?si=eqrwttdxSpSkcFBzYeP6sg

i watched the shaun the sheep movie this weekend (a gentleman's 6/10 at best tbh) and was thrilled to hear the scream's 'rocks' play in multiple scenes, adding a much-needed edge of streetwise sleaze to the story of a small sheep and his friends ending up marooned in the big city after a day off at the farm goes wrong

... are you trying to tempt me into doing another Boaby skit or what?

that film is crying out for a Boaby commentary voice-over- "wake up sheeple" etc.

... are you trying to tempt me into doing another Boaby skit or what?

2013's clunker "More Light"?

this album is great fwiw

Boaby has been called to a meeting with with a film producer at his manager's office. He is somewhat late.

Producer: Is he actually going to show, he's nearly an hour late as it is.

Manager: I did warn you not to organize anything before 2pm, he'll just be getting out of his bed, he thinks he's a rock sta....

Ostentatious series of knocks at the door.

Manager: ... that'll be him, come in!

Boab breezes in.

Boaby: Morning, chaps!

Producer: Afternoon.

Boaby: Aye, whatever. So whit's the fuckin' sketch?

Manager (to Producer): Shall I? (to Boaby)What it is, Bobby, is we've had an offer for you to provide a onscreen commentary for a DVD of a movie...

Boaby (interrupting excitedly): Ya dancin' bear!

Manager: ... of a movie in which ...

Boaby: Let me fuckin' guess. It's "Vanishing Point" intit? (to Producer) Did you know we hud an album named efter that film? Aye, ah course ye dae! Huv ye seen it, by the way, it's fuckin' awesome, Randy Newman is fuckin' great in it...

Manager: ... if I may continue, Bobby?

Boaby: Oh right, aye, fire away, ah'm aw ears.

Manager: The movie in question heavily features the Scream's music...

Boaby (interrupting again): ... here, it's no' Tarantino is it? That fuckin' shite he did aboot Manson? Ah've no' seen it masel yet but ah'll be sure tae check it oot when it's next oan at the pictures...

Producer: That was set in 1969.

Boaby: ... and your point is, caller?

Producer: Excuse me?

Boaby (same intonation): And your point is, caller?

Producer stares blankly.

Boaby: ... ye know, like Jimmy Sanderson? (high pitched Glaswegian voice) "Were you at the game?"

Producer continues staring blankly.

Boaby (to Manager, out of side of mouth): Jesus, where did ye dredge this wan up?

Manager: Er, if I may, I think the point is it was it was set in 1969 so Tarantino used music from that era on the soundtrack.

Boaby: Aye, well that makes sense, ah suppose. We can sound like we're from 1969 if ye wahnt though, we've done it afore.

Manager: I know Bobby but we're... look we're getting off track here.

Boaby: Aye, ah'm sorry but ah'm jist so fuckin' made up, man! Me daein' the commentary fur a Hollywood movie!

Producer: It's not exactly a Hollywood movie.

Boaby: Aye, well, cult classic then, nae cunt went tae see "Electra Glide in Blue" either when it came oot, know what ah'm sayin'?

Producer: It's not a cult film either, it's been very successful at the box office.

Boaby: Is that right, big yin? Well ah'm the very boey fur the joab then!

Manager: The film in question, Bobby, is "Shaun the Sheep: The Movie".

Boaby's face hardens.

Boaby: Shaun the Fuckin' Sheep?

Producer: No, Shaun the Sheep.

Boaby: That's whit ah said, Shaun the Fuckin' Sheep.

Manager: We think that...

Boaby: Here, haud oan a minute, d'ye think ah wis born yisterday?

Producer: I've seen your publicity shots, so no.

Boaby: Oh ha-fuckin'-ha, ya f-

Manager (rapidly interrupting): If I can stop you right there, Bobby, we think a commentary track on this DVD will help introduce the Scream to a new audience...

Boaby: ... aye, a fuckin' audience o' 6 year aulds!

Manager: ... 6 year olds and their parents.

Boaby (cautiously): Ah'm listenin'.

Producer: There's a demographic of adults in the 30 to 40 year old bracket who will have become acquainted with the music of your group for the first time as a result of viewing "Shaun the Sheep: The Movie".

Boaby: Aye, ah see where ye're comin' fae, big yin. Go for an audience that's a wee bit aulder than we normally attract.

Manager: Older? Bobby, I've been at your concerts, the audience is almost as old as yyyyyyyou'd be surprised at the age of your audience.

Boaby: Aye, probably. Tae be frank wi' ye, ah've goat nae idea whit age the audience is at oor gigs, ah cannae fuckin' see the cunts, ah'm that oot ma nut maist nights! (nudging Producer who inches away)

Manager: That and you refuse to wear your glasses in public.

Boaby (Shaun the sheepishly): Aye, there's that an' aw.

Producer: Anyway, there is one proviso.

Boaby: Holl', me no speaka de Italian, can ah huv that in fuckin' English, mate?

Producer: One stipulation...

Boab looks puzzled.

Manager (to Producer) Here, let me... (to Boaby) The producers would love for you to do this commentary but... no swearing.

Boaby: Whit? Whit d'ye mean, nae fuckin' swearin'?

Producer: Well, the DVD is aimed at children and their parents.

Boaby: And?

Producer: And, as you have amply proved this afternoon, your language can be on the colourful side.

Boaby: That's fuckin' freedom of expression, pal, ah cannae be held tae society's rules, take me or leave me.

Producer: Well, all things considered I think we might le...

Manager (interrupting): ... I think what we're trying to say is that we want the pure unadulterated Bobby Gillespie....

A serious looking Boab nods furiously.

Manager: ... but with maybe a little moderation in the language.

Boaby: Moderation? Moderation? Ah cannae even spell moderation!

Producer: Now that I can believe.

Boaby: Don't get me wrang, ah'd love tae dae some'hin' like a fuckin' DVD commentary, in fact ah've goat an idea tae dae a track by track commentary oan oor 2013 album, "Mair Light", ye heard it, big yin?

Producer: Me? No, can't say I have. Was it a hit?

Manager: Hmmmmmmm.

Boaby: The thing is, ah'm fae Glesga, whit the fuck dae ah know aboot sheep? Ye'd be better aff gettin' some Teuchter tae dae it or, better still, some Welsh cunt - here, that's an idea!

Producer (checking watch): What is?

Boaby: Ah could gie ye yon Nicky Wire's phone number - they'd be gled o' the work, (sotto voce) huv ye heard their last album? (pinches nose).

Manager: Bobby, if we could get back to the...

Producer (looking desperately for an out): ... no no no, this Nicky, er...

Boaby: ... Wire...

Producer: This Nicky Wire sounds like she...

Boaby: ... he...

Producer: He could be what we're looking for...

Manager: ... but ...

Producer: Guys, I really have to go, I've got another meeting way across town...

Manager: ... but we haven't...

Producer (rising from chair): I'd love to stay a bit longer but time...

Boaby (who has been ineptly scrolling through his phone all this time): But ah've no found Nicky Wire's number fur ye yet.

Producer (now at door): Just, er, get in touch with my PR when you, er, find it...

Manager: ... but we never even...

Producer: Later.

Boaby (cheerily): Don't call us, we'll call...

Door slams.

Boaby: ... you.

As the Producer stands pressed against the door, breathing heavily, we can hear Boaby's voice in the background.

Boaby (muffled): Huv ye seen "Electra Glide in Blue"? It's aboot this wee cunt who's a polis, a motorbike polis mind ye, and he's played by William Blake...

okay i’m gonna nudge the shaun the sheep movie up to. a gentleman’s 6.5/10 for inspiring this latest tom d opus, great work everyone

this is my favourite thing from 2020

it’s not fair copying and pasting transcripts of the real Shaun The Sheep commentary from a website for the hearing-impaired, Tom, you used to put some effort in on these

bravo Tom!

I thought I've done so many of these I should catalogue them, but it turns out I haven't done as many as I'd thought - there's only three of them on this thread for a start, the rest are scattered all over the place. In all there's been 12 since 2011 with three separate years when there were absolutely none at all! There's the distinct possibility that I might have missed some though.

THE CHRONICLES OF BOABY (Parts 1 to 12)

1. "Gott in himmel, Englander schwein!"
Boaby phones Kevin Shields to complain that the remaster of "Screamadelica" he approved was carried out by 'some cunt naebody's heard o''. Boaby then phones Holger Czukay to try to persuade him to oversee an alternative remaster, much to Holger's chagrin.

2. "... gie's ma heid ower, wull ye?"
Believing that the Wombles have reformed to play "Screamadelica" in its entirety at Glastonbury, Boab has agreed to make a guest appearance... while wearing a Womble suit... this despite his concerns that it will render him incapable of playing his primary instrument, the tambourine. Backstage, after Mike Batt informs him that the Wombles are actually playing "Keep On Wombling" in its entirety, and not "Screamadelica", Boaby phones McGee in a state of high dudgeon.

3. "Naw, ah've no goat time tae listen tae how you discovered Oasis!"
McGee phones Boab to tell him that a Primal Scream track was just played at the Tory Party Conference and that he should release a statement disassociating the band from it. Boab reluctantly agrees but is secretly pleased that his mammy can get to hear his band played on the telly.

4. "UP THE WORKERS!"
Following on from the previous phone call, Boaby goes on a date with Home Secretary Theresa May. Boab is charm itself, within reason, but the evening ends badly when Theresa admits to mistaking the Primal Scream track "Rocks", as played at the Tory Party Conference, for a Rolling Stones song.

5. "Gonny leave me alaine?"
Boaby and Momus have a desultory conversation where Boaby denies ever having toured Germany with Momus or having had sex with a woman called Helga in Hamburg. Boaby's Glaswegian sensibilities are doubly offended by Momus' use of Paisley dialect. That's (abstruse) entertainment!

6. "A scrawny auld duffer wi' a pair o' mad shades oan."
Suicide are playing at the Barbican. Boaby shows up backstage, and immediately rubs Marty Rev up the wrong way by claiming to have written "Dream Baby Dream". Later he mistakes Alan Vega for his father.

7. "You know me, ah know fuck a' aboot fuck a'."
Boaby is 'ower the moon' about a cool avant garde film he has appeared in, playing Gilles de Rais, until McGee bursts his ba' by pointing out that Gilles de Rais was a rapist, a paedophile and a necrophiliac.

8. (aims kick at family pet)
In a domestic scene, which is something of a departure for the Boaby Chronicles, Boab tries to order a book by Julian Cope using Alexa but Alexa singularly fails to understand Boab's accent (join the club).

9. "... 12 actually, mate."
McGee phones Boaby to tell him about the launch of his newest label Creation23, Boab is underwhelmed. Worse is to follow as McGee tries to persuade Boab to get Primal Scream to record a single for the new label. Boab refuses and, for a change, has some fun at McGee's expense.

10. "Here, ah'll fuckin' delete you in a minute."
Following his controversial appearance on the "This Week" and the disparaging remarks concerning it on Twitter made by the show's host, Andrew 'Andra' Neil, Boaby phones to register his disapproval. After some more recondite banter about the differences between Paisley and Glasgow dialects, which absolutely no-one other than the author understands or appreciates, Andra outwits Boab and leaves Boab cursing him and his alma mater.

11. "... a 90 minute album of a fuckin' tap runnin'."
Boaby hears that a number of celebrities have signed a letter, for publication in the press and other media, in support of a Jeremy Corbyn premiership. Annoyed that he was not asked to contribute he phones one of its signatories, Brian Eno, with predictable results.

12. "And your point is, caller?"
Boaby visits his manager's office where is offered the chance to do a commentary for the DVD of "Shaun the Sheep: The Movie". He demurs.

would genuinely pay real actual money for a book of these

need to preface all of those with "In which..."

def up there with ILM's other greatest contributions to the field of literature, "the Tragedie of Michael Jackson, King of Pop" and "The Interior Life of Noel Gallagher: A Speculative History"

"Boaby is 'ower the moon' about a cool avant garde film he has appeared in, playing Gilles de Rais, until McGee bursts his ba' by pointing out that Gilles de Rais was a rapist, a paedophile and a necrophiliac."

an absolute classic of the genre!

I can remember some goth tool having a Gilles de Rais book published on the short lived publishing wing of McGee's and being involved with the running of it.

https://reprobatepress.com/2019/01/19/cry-havoc-the-church-of-raism/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUivKpdk810

Could be wrong, but I'm fairly certain he wasn't listening to house music in '88 while stumbling about stages with his Louise Brooks bob and polka dot, la la la shirt.

What about the Pastels, Bobby?

Was he aboard a boat or something there?

The Good Ship Candyflip iirc

c'mon Nick don't take it too personal that he dissed running, he's into wobbling!

jesus, mary and joseph my cramps have come back!

Probably had itchy bollocks from his leather trousers poor lad

also very cool that he's wearing ss insignia there, I'm sure that himmler would've had prinal scream in his top three bands too

I see some kind of skull(?) and a star but not an SS insignia

I guess that could be a totenkopf

it's the ss totenkopf xp

Swastika Ayes

I see some kind of skull(?) and a star but not an SS insignia

― Οὖτις, Friday, February 21, 2020 3:24 PM (twenty-seven seconds ago) bookmarkflaglink

yeah it's a SS-totenkopfverbände insignia

lol Tom

it might have been amongst the last images millions of Jews saw, but I think it looks pretty fucking braw oan mah leather jaiket!

disappointed oar Boaby tbh

disappointed IN oar Boaby

Glaikit in a leather jaikit.

that's blitzkrieg boab to you pal

lol Tom

Achtung Boaby

*giggles*

"Afterwards, he called me in the early hours and said: “Bobby, it was insane. Weatherall played Loaded and the whole place went ballistic.” He told me that Mick Jones (from the Clash) and Kevin Rowland (from Dexys Midnight Runners) had come up to him afterwards and shook his hand."

^ From an appreciation by Bobby of Andy Weatherall in the Observer. I thought he actually managed to get through the entire piece without resorting to bullshit.

Does manage to make it all about himself though..

Not as much as I'd feared!