no boys allowed in the room!!!!

Hi Branwell! Sorry you're going through this; I'm afraid I don't have anything to suggest, but I hope the Dr is helpful and can help you find an acceptable option.

also if anyone does have any suggestions, chemical or otherwise, for the v well-described "odd ~OMG option paralysis~ lack of executive function, can't make a decision anxiety state of constant fear", please do share, sigh...

Yeah I get overwhelmed at doctor's sometimes, and I have a tendency to just ignore or underplay pain. So I try to just state what I experienced over what length of time, the duration, etc etc. and before I go I know what I want to leave with. xpost

spacecadet, is this somewhat about home ownership?

oh, it's a very familiar feeling throughout my life in general, but yes, it's definitely applying to that!

there's a very long list of things I was supposed to do or even wanted to do but felt like I couldn't start without researching every option and all their possible implications, which is of course such an overwhelming and neverending concept that I just... didn't do anything at all, for ages and often forever, because I was scared of missing something or getting something wrong, I guess? Even in cases where not doing the thing at all was a worse thing to get wrong than any possible mistake.

So when it comes to something like "empty out your bank account and live with your choice for years into the future; PS if you've counted wrong then you may not have a safety net", total paralysis and dread, yes :|

It's good to research to know your options and to make plans. But you can never be fully prepared so I try to live in a state of flexibility and knowing what my priorities are so that I can adapt or dig out of changing circumstances.

I almost put in the other thread but didn't want to come off as too gloomy, that you should discuss what would happen if either one of you decide not to live in the house together in the future. It happens. I don't know about your relationship but money is often the source of issues with couples. You should feel comfortable going over this with your bf before you make this big financial commitment.

Oh man, buying a house is a big, big decision and there is so much that can go wrong and it is overwhelming and requires too much research. And being scared of getting something wrong makes you end up putting it off and putting it off, but things like house-buying require acting sooner rather than later, or else the price will have changed, and the interest rate will be bad, and changes happen that render your research useless anyway. Getting an independent financial advisor whose job was to make the decision for me - that was the best thing ever. (However, I did not have to pay for their services, as I worked for one. If doing it again, I would definitely pay for their services tho. It was worth putting those difficult decisions like "what mortgage should I get?" in someone else's hands.)

But... that is not the kind of option paralysis I'm dealing with at the moment. The level of executive function failure I am dealing with is so severe I can't make little decisions right now.

Actual true story: I have been sitting on a chair in the kitchen, trying to decide if I need to make lunch and then do the dishes, or do the dishes after I make lunch. I have been trying to make this decision for 20 minutes, but I keep being distracted by the thought of needing to do laundry at some point. Should I take a shower first so that I can put my current clothes in this load of laundry? But I definitely need to eat lunch before I take a shower. Wait, do I need to do the dishes before or after I make lunch? Now an hour has gone by and I still have not made the decision, and I am getting hungrier and rattier. After an hour and a half, I finally stand up, and see the groceries that I bought to eat that morning are sitting melting on the floor by the fridge because I have totally forgotten to put them away. My executive function is fuX0red.

I have *never* been this scatterbrained before (except for the two years I spent on SSRIs) but this is my life now. I'm not *like* this. This isn't who I am. I'm a "fools rush in where angels fear to tread" who blurts stuff out without thinking about the consequences. Now I spend 2 hours weeping over hurting the feelings of a fork I dropped, and I can't even move a spoon without worrying how it will all go wrong. I want my "I don't care, just do the stupid thing" drive back.

you should discuss what would happen if either one of you decide not to live in the house together in the future. It happens. I don't know about your relationship but money is often the source of issues with couples. You should feel comfortable going over this with your bf before you make this big financial commitment.

Agreed -- and I would add, money is regularly one of the issues couples have to deal with if/when they split up. Idk if that's part of the anxiety? ... Maybe I'm just projecting. It would be something I'd want to feel secure in before in any way being that financially dependent on a partner.

xp Branwell -- now I'm trying to remember anecdotes from my friends on "T" and whether that helps with what you are dealing with or has different affects.

Buying a house is already an incredibly stressful thing. In the other thread, I think in the past I posted about trying to buy our first place and crying at work because the mortgage company kept screwing up the documents and requesting additional last minute funds and we were scrambling and I already had given up the lease on my apt. If you and your partner are not in sync it's going to be even more of a nightmare. And whatever place you end up with you will always have a couple of days of buyer's remorse. Just push through if this is what you want and make the best decisions you can with the information and resources you do have. Our place in brooklyn was kind of a shithole and we lived in a complete construction zone for a year and had absolutely no money for anything other than the house. But it all eventually worked out very well.

Excellent. I think I've possibly started having hot flashes, so I might join you in that strange country soon, Branwell.

Also, my bf is getting a pre-nup because of his house and business assets, which are solely his, and not that I have any assets but I guess my 401k and stuff, too. No drama associated with it but then again we don't live together or jointly own anything.

Basically there's just a lot of variety of options and all of them are valid! There's not one way to combine your finances or w/e.

Wait IO you’re getting married??!!!??

I...hmmm. We are probably going to get legally wedded so that C can have health insurance, basically. I was holding out for the EU-country citizenship but it turns out you have to learn Polish and live in Poland for 3 years to even apply so that's probably a no-go.

Things we are not doing
* Living together
* Banking together
* Changing any names
* Changing anything
* Having a wedding
* Having anything...until maybe next summer? Probably in MI so look for the invitation in uh July I guess?

He had a possible cardiac thing a few weeks ago and it was really a wake-up call for both of us, I think. He won't go to the ER to get referred to a cardiologist because his annual deductible is $4k and no services are covered on his lowest level of ACA plan which still costs him over $300 a month. I'm not into sanctioned marriages by either church or state, but I also choose not to let my partner die because I don't like the system.

I have *never* been this scatterbrained before (except for the two years I spent on SSRIs) but this is my life now. I'm not *like* this. This isn't who I am. I'm a "fools rush in where angels fear to tread" who blurts stuff out without thinking about the consequences. Now I spend 2 hours weeping over hurting the feelings of a fork I dropped, and I can't even move a spoon without worrying how it will all go wrong. I want my "I don't care, just do the stupid thing" drive back.

I'm kinda dealing with this right now as well ... I think it might not be the SSRI but the anti-anxiety drug I take in addition to the SSRI? I feel way lazier than I used to. But ... I am way less irritable, angry, and neurotic about petty things and things that really aren't my problem or responsibility. So, overall, I feel like this is a positive change for me, but at least once a day I find myself saying, "what was I looking for again?" or "what did I come in here to do?" and it's a "wait, I am not that person! wtf!" But, it does make me realize what it is like to be someone who is "not like me" and I feel like it has given me more empathy and humility.

Xp - Love, your style! Happy for you to get exactly what you want. I’ve known >1 happy couple who don’t live together ❤️😀❤️😀❤️

I've known plenty of unhappy couples who do/did live together!!

Nahhh I wish you all the best, in orbit ... I realize I am celebrating almost exactly 10 years of being uncoupled. and it is also the bday of the shitty dude mentioned upthread.

Celebrate! I'm not mad! I wouldn't be getting legally married if I didn't have to! Not gonna lie, it's been giving me anxiety for MONTHS, possibly even years that I've been avoiding the issue. But I had to really confront some of my fears and...there was a moment when he called me from the car and said in a weird voice, "I don't feel good. I think my heart is bubbling and I can't really breathe."

....

Spoiler alert after a lot of discussion: It didn't really fit a heart attack but it was definitely something. To be determined.

eesh, fingers crossed all is ok, io.
I've been married 15 years and am just about thinking of getting a joint bank account, but would agree you need to be explicitly on the same page, APS.

congrats dudette! (also providing healthcare to a partner is a good enough reason to get married. I don't give a shit about marriage but at the same time I don't give a shit about it so I also don't give a shit about divorcing if I want to.)

yeah, prenups are very worthwhile to protect each party and set expectations even for oddest things. We do have one joint account to pay for joint bills, activities, trips, etc. and then we have our own separate accounts with our own money. We've lived together for long stretches of time and lived apart for long stretches of time, each of us has see-sawed in who makes more or less money and we on our own try to make everything even. The apt in ny is only in my name and the apt in chile is only in his name. Relationships are always evolving but we never have serious disagreements because we talk through everything and big decisions are mutual decisions. And it helps to really like each other personally.

In that other thread where I was talking about the couple of 10+ years who have completely separate finances, still venmo each other money for, like, buying takeout and are trying to buy their first house together, this would be totally fine except one has been complaining to me for 10+ years about being the only one buying toilet paper and dish soap and how the other one is stingy. Ugh. I told him he has to make peace with it or move on.

eep, best wishes to you + o/h, io

I don't think the plan is for a general joint account - at least, I hope it isn't! just for paying the mortgage out of, and maybe household bills (at the moment we've split the utility bills in a fairly arbitrary manner but I think it works out about even)

living apart sounds good but I do go a bit mad if I'm on my own in the evenings. maybe I want a "granny flat" so I can hide away or open the door and call it all the same living space depending on how I feel that day

to Branwell, way back: oh yeah, my paralysis extends to some quite mundane things too*, but that does sound extreme as a recent development, and all the more so if it's left you feeling not like you! hope the Dr helps

(* on at least one occasion I've spent so long trying to decide whether to eat something from the cupboard for lunch or to go to the shop and buy something more interesting that it's suddenly evening and too late to be having lunch at all - though these days it would do me good to forget to eat more often)

I'd love to be able to be with my bf but still live in my own place. I only really moved in with him because he lost his job and was about to be evicted and he has 2 kids, and I couldnt sit by and let that happen.

...4 years later its all kinda stuck like that now.

Congrats, well wishes, good luck, or whatever phrase best conveys friendly acknowledgement and positive vibes towards your news, in orbit!

I thought I was feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally depleted. Sure enough, I have my period. HOW I wish I'd just go through menopause already!

LOL, the menopause is basically 2 full years of nonstop PMT.

I have literally tonight just started 2 different kinds of hormones. (I was supposed to start sooner after I saw the doctor, but she breezily said, "start on day 1 of your next period" and it's like LOL, menopause - who knows when that will be? Two weeks late, that's when.) I have no idea how this is going to affect me and I'm feeling deeply, deeply weird about it. (LOL, what if it turns me into a cis?)

I am not looking forward to the menopause -- I figure I've got at least 5 years -- partly because after the menopause is when all the cancers kick in.

I got a new gyno in a spanish speaking country so I have been having my spouse come with me to all my appts because I'm not sure I will be able to communicate well enough for what I need. So it's like, making sure he can relay that I have new painful rectal cramps when I have to poop during my period and new lower back pain during ovulation and my period. But then the gyno ended up having gone to school in Virginia and spoke perfect english which I found out while in stirrups. He still had to chaperone the transvag ultrasound and mammogram though. Anyway, fibroids!

Fibroids were the cause of my uterus eviction, which I which I'd done sooner. Like, when I was 16.

i started back on hormonal bc to hopefully get a grip on my pms issues
so far so good but it has only been like a week

i am through to the other side of menopause (it was not at all an easy transition, especially the chronic anxiety) and i think i’ve never felt better. i love it. it’s so underrated.

I think I may be perimenopausal, at least that is how I explain the fact that my brain is getting mushy.

The other day I was thinking "oh god I'd be so fucked if I had to do organic chemistry again!" then I'm like wait there is zero need for me to do organic chemistry again ever in my life, what does it matter.

how I explain the fact that my brain is getting mushy.
i looked at my grocery list today and it said "green beens"
it didn't occur to me to blame my hormones but maybe it's a sign i'm getting stale

my anti-anxiety meds make my brain mushier -- i had to change them last year (what I was on before did not have that effect). On the one hand, less anxiety, on the other, I actually can't remember what all the businesses were on the block of Grand Ave. between Broadway and Webster St. in 2001.

"oh god I'd be so fucked if I had to do organic chemistry again!"

I do remember about half dozen of my housemates in college expressing feelings of fucked-ness re organic chemistry, and they had fresh 20 year old brains!

q, i just did a search through this thread and did you manage to obtain pics of the uterus eviction when you had it done?

Oh damn I did not! I wish I had. Apparently the thing was the size of a 3 month pregnancy. Fibroid babbies.

I do have pictures of the inside of my left knee joint from recent arthroscopic surgery. The ortho pointed out "crab meat appearance" of some articular cartilage and damn if that was not the perfect descriptor.

https://sextile.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/ferrari-sex-life.jpg

...not that I'd know what to do if I had either...

(Do not read if you hate me. I've had alcohol for the first time in...several days, and I'm having all these...honest feelings. Also, I'm reminded of being an adolescent and imprinting on Charles Dana Gibson's more strong-jawed male characters. I can't even.)

HI DERE

HI!

hidere!

Sup!

👋🏻

Good afternoon.

As it happens, I was not only getting my period, but coming down with a cold. While I'm mostly physically recovered, mentally and emotionally I'm still depleted.

Schönen Tag aus Berlin!

Ja, ich bin jetzt deutsch.

Word, Roxy

I also have a cold, jlu. Feel better :(

I think I may be perimenopausal, at least that is how I explain the fact that my brain is getting mushy.

I'll be 46 this week. Divorce can certainly cause brain mushiness IME. It gets better with time. <3

Yeah. Sleep deprivation. I haven’t slept properly in two years. I fucking hate it.