star wars 9 grim resignation thread

oh my god, i was wrong
it was earth, all along

you finally made a Wookiee out of me

holy shit, the opening crawl leaked!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfSS1OuA3ag

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCskuXWh2l8

Not for long.

lol it very much wasn't the crawl. it was a joke video that i suspect Youtube took down

Copyright claim by Anti-Nowhere League

has abrams ever made a non-mediocre movie

well, there's all the bad ones

Lol

lol

his film credits listing is extremely grim

which I guess makes him perfect for this

I know JJ said he loved TLJ and hinted he wasn't looking to undo it, but troll part of me wishes that he would, and then he and Rian Johnson would alternate directing/writing Star Wars movies every two years and change things back, basically getting into cinema's version of a Wikipedia reversion war

Star Wars XII: Nuh Uh!

Damn, seeing this in exactly two weeks but my expectations feel sufficiently lowered thanks to all.

I'm gonna love it

3P0 having a bigger (sacrificial?) role this time should be a plus. Don't really care about Lando tbh.

I had to actually check a week or so ago to see whether this was coming out this year or next. So clearly I'm v pumped.

lando is great and will always have a special place in my heart for his role in the best scene of rotj (the first scene over endor when they realize that it's, uh, a trap)

thank god someone is out here asking the questions that matter

pic.twitter.com/PXuNXTfbRi

— Bad Legal Takes (@BadLegalTakes) December 9, 2019

Like, a creative citizens arrest?

There aren't many problems that can't be resolved with a fan fiction council, ime.

disney is famously forgiving of copyright infringement, i can't see what could possibly go wrong

Maybe SW should be and Choose Your Own Adventure

Unhealthy enthusiasm is nine-tenths of the law, iirc.

xpost Doesn't matter what you choose, all stories end with the death star exploding.

there are only three stories: man vs man, man vs death star, and death star vs death star

Man vs Death Star features Hulk Hogan cameo

Forget a cameo, if I were the producer of a franchise whose fanbase bitched this much, Hulk Hogan would be promoted to star in all forthcoming installments. Maybe even in multiple roles as if it were a mid-period Eddie Murphy joint.

for motivation Abrams had to tell Hulk to imagine the Death Star was Gawker

shit sorry I forgot the fourth story, hulk vs gawker

https://media1.tenor.com/images/373ed593a25afb96bad7bdad96ff1c29/tenor.gif

speaking of Old Lunch, here comes mine

[INT: DEATH STAR COMMAND DECK. GENERAL HUX and KYLO REN are watching a flickering holographic message from rebel leader HULK HOGAN]

HULK: lemme tell ya, brother, hulkamania is gonna be runnin' wild over the death star, just like i ran wild over bubba the love sponge's wife

oh god

that reddit post is great bc the poster is basically asking what if star wars fans made their own content that didnt contain star wars branded elements - "Disney doesnt own the rights to lasers, space, people using abilities, etc" - in other words, create original intellectual property. But their brain is so warped by 21st-century fandom that they cant quiiiite grasp the idea of content thats not from preexisting IP, so theyre like "what if star wars, but NOT star wars, it would be like, OTHER star wars, could we get in trouble for it being star wars?"

Like hes hit upon the idea of it being possible for something other than star wars to exist but cant quite figure out how to articulate it from within his worldview of 'star wars is everything'. Kind of thrilling to read tbh, like someone trying to break out of the matrix

even the reddit people mocking the OP cant conceive of the idea non-branded creativity: "Just because you don't like the Disney movies doesnt mean you can make your OWN movies! How spoiled of you!"

What's even the point of a story without droids or at least one jedi in it, and how would that even work, I don't, I can't (nose begins to freely bleed)

In a galaxy far, far up my own ass

at last, spaceballs 2: the search for more money

I think assuming the person wants a space fantasy that's similar to Star Wars but isn't Star Wars is a really generous read of the question

They really want their own cultivated fandom where they toss out a bunch of things, throw other stuff in from non-canon books, and then write new fanfic or create fan movies. I don't think they hit on something non-Star Wars, but just want a Star Wars that panders directly to their own ideas about what should happen

i ended up on some reddit thread about people's creative dreams and so many of them were to write or create a star wars comic or something in the marvel universe, etc

I'm kind of sympathetic to that? Starry-eyed kids wanting to do something they find cool.

On the other hand, the best fiction that takes place in some established property tends to come from people who made their bones coming up with original ideas and creating new stories who then take on some corporate work because it pays and they just happen to be a fan

I don't think they hit on something non-Star Wars, but just want a Star Wars that panders directly to their own ideas about what should happen

― a u.s. government department (mh), Tuesday, December 10, 2019 9:30 AM (twelve minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

I assume it would be exactly like the existing Star Wars except now they're fleshlightsabers.

And, take it from me, it's pretty easy to just imagine that the jedi are constantly fucking their weapons whenever they're offscreen.

I'm sure Eliza has some good feedback on this, but I think "what fans want" runs the gamut from people who want a badass Luke Skywalker and don't care about books all the way to crazed people who think they should have adapted books written in the 90s verbatim for the new movies

my creative dream is to write a comic about superheroes set in the Maus universe

I assume it would be exactly like the existing Star Wars except now they're fleshlightsabers.

it wouldn't be the first time that star wars merch has been sex-toy-adjacent

https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F-VUqq51FmwZA%2FT587azgoLII%2FAAAAAAAAGUw%2FYI2IBvPN6ZY%2Fs1600%2FJarJarBinksTongue.jpg&f=1&nofb=1

tbh I should write some horrible fanfic and see if I can get some traction

there should be a Skywalker/not-dead Boba Fett showdown, obviously

I think the sort of fan who, with any degree of seriousness, proposes a 'let's take over this franchise when the installment which hasn't even been released yet inevitably disappoints us!' is the sort of fan who fundamentally resists change within said franchise and who might ideally restrict themselves to whatever portion of the franchise they love and accept but would rather project their frustration over things they can't control in their own life onto a gargantuan thing that they were never going to have any control over and pretend that their projected frustration is both legitimate and proportionate.