Kids say the darndest things

my wife explained to Opal that Vampires are made up creatures that suck blood out of necks, after seeing them in the halloween book Sheep Trick or Treat.

she also recently learned about the little beach birds called Sandpipers.

A few weeks ago we were going to Rockaway Beach off-season to play in the sand and she freaked out. "No, I don't wanna see sandpipers don't want my blood sucked"

“no”

“later”

“why are you still talking “

Me: Come on, it's bath time then bed time
3.5yo: Then sleeping time, then morning time, then playtime, then bath time, then bed time, then sleeping time, then morning time...
Me: Oh shit you've figured it out already, how come you're not massively depressed

give it another year and a half :\

4yo: Whenever I scribbled on my paper Julianna used to tattletale on me to the teacher.

me: Does she still do that?

4yo: No, she stopped. Like how those girls used to scream for the Beatles all the time and then they stopped forever.

Brilliant!

wife: What would you like for your birthday?
daughter: Spiders!

otm

came home the other day with a haircut. Opal says "daddy got a haircut!"

The next day Opal wakes up and says "does daddy still have his haircut?"

For the Dutchies:

"Elf november is de dag
Dat mijn nichtje branden mag"

(3yo)

Any help on the last couple of words?

That my niece may burn

Instead of 'that my light may burn' (lichtje/nichtje mistake)

Ta! And cute!

My youngest son, shrugging: “I can’t clean up a fart!”

Needs to be a horrible 70s album title tbh

singer shrugging, guitarist holding his nose, bassist spraying air freshener, drummer passed out

kid's birthday party is saturday, and he has a white noise machine on in his room at night; he got out of bed and came downstairs to say "i'm too excited about my birthday party and am scared that my sound machine is going to turn into a human head"

Whoa!

last christmas, i pooed in my pants
the very next day, i peed in my pants

hahahah!

This year, I’ll stick with a fart
And give it to someone special

File that under posts you immediately regret

This is going to make the next few weeks tolerable. Thanks guys!

I’m lovin it

this has really cheered me up

Driving in the car, Can's "Dizzy Dizzy" comes on the CD.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXm-Xco5BWA

The boy goes, "What is this, Spongebob back from a commercial?"

I go into "incredulous dad mode" - What? This is CAN.

The girl goes, "If it's from Spongebob, they should've called it 'Gary's Theme'."

I DIED nearly from being told this today, by a friend who is mother of three boys, who at the time were probably approx 10-8-8. They had been visiting some family or acquaintance in winter, and on coming home, mom helps free one of the twins from multiple lower-body layers, when it turns out he has within the back of one of the legs of his outermost waterproofs a long shoehorn, as in grown-up, foot-plus length.

MOM (bewildered): How did this happen??
SON (conspiratorial): I was lightning quick!

“I don’t like fire fighters because they put fire everywhere.”

“Everyone in the Bible is tricky. I think it was written by tricky people.”

"It's a stab or be stabbed world"

speaking of the bible, the five-year-old pulled one out of the hotel desk drawer and tried to read the cover: "holly ... bubble?"

I did exactly that when I was a kid, at a hotel saying "why's this book here? the holly bibble?"

of course since i laughed she did the exact same thing at the next hotel

It was pretty funny hearing our nearly four year old daughter and her six year old friend trying to out lawyer each other when she was holding her red fishing rod in the bath:

him: "It's my turn to have a red thing as she had the red cup at dinner"
her: "It wasn't red it was pink"
him: "Pink is the closest colour to red"

It was less funny when he then had a full on unconsoleable meltdown, while she grimly clutched the rod to her chest the whole time. Was still a bit funny when he wailed, more than once, "I've never had anything red in my whole life!"

My two boys (5 and 8) had an actual fight yesterday about whether the menu screen of Minecraft said "Save and quit to desktop" or "Save and quit to the desktop"

who was right tho

The 8-year-old was right. He was also the one who steered it from a correction to a declaration of war, however, so is not getting any brownie points.

5yo to his dad - "remember when you used to sit in the car next to me to contain me?"
think he mean 'entertain' but he's kind of right

Almost 3 Opal was sick all week so lots of TV. We watched Toy Story 2, where Woody is reunited with his horse. When he gets in the horse Opal screams out angrily “no Woody is a cowboy, not a horseboy!”

!!
I just got given my first note from 5yo saying 'luv mum soree fo beeing notee'

<3

These are so great.

song (by ivy) : row row row your boat merrily down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily like a spider dream

doo rag!!

!!!! :D

YES

my daughter (9) is really into Clone Wars on Disney+, I was making dinner and she ran in, saying "daddy, there's a senator who looks like he's wearing a MERINO wool sweater"

Driving through cemetery, my five year old wanted to know the dates on the gravestones. A lot were from the 1800s.

kid: They just keep these dead people buried in here forever?

me: I guess so. What else are they going to do with them?

kid: I don't know. They could dig them up and cut the bodies into pieces and feed them to dogs.

I like the way he thinks :)