no boys allowed in the room!!!!

(Usual caveats that this is based on highly gendered patterns. That people who are viewed as women are trained to view every relationship problem as their specific personal responsibility, and that it is their job to placate or even fix angry or demanding men. I think the hardest lesson is not actually learning to press EJECT; but to learn to distinguish genuine and helpful advice from this kind of controlling behaviour.)

I'm having a weird and horrible experience right now, which is really messing with my head, and my ideas around gender-based violence. But it's very much a question of "this is one isolated and individual example, that violates but does not invalidate the general patterns of how this shit works."

I don't know if this thread or a Neighbour Problems thread is the appropriate place for it (I still have panic attacks at the thought of asking even reasonable questions on General ILX.) But a new couple have recently moved into the flat next to mine, and since then, there has been near-constant, loud, invasive and open (as in, it does not stay in their flat, it moves into the shared areas directly outside my door and windows) terrifying domestic violence.

After trying repeatedly to offer help to the girl, then (very reluctantly, with great trepidation because my local police are known for their brutality) getting the police involved bcz one of them pulled a knife - I discovered that it was actually the girl being abusive and violent towards the boy.

It's a fucking nightmare, because it drives home exactly what "local services cut to the bone" actually means in an inner London borough - little to no response from the council, her social worker impossible to get hold of, no resources at the police's domestic violence department to deal with it, no spaces at local mental hospitals to address either her untreated mental illness or the pair's drug dependency.

I'm pretty well versed in how to support a woman being abused by a man. I know what resources are available, I know how to help and how not to help. But this? I got nothing. It is rare; it is generally the exception. But being unprepared for the exception is... well, this is a lot right now, and I don't know how to handle it.

Not really expecting replies, but thanks for listening/reading.

To me this is the frustrating thing about the whataboutists who turn every conversation about abuse into a pretext for misogyny. It happens. Sometimes women abuse men. Sometimes women assault men. And the whataboutists make me afraid of even mentioning this, talking about the people I've known, lest I sound like one of them.

One of my wife's former co-workers openly sexually assaulted a man at their office (hence "former"). One of my co-workers, the week I came out, went to court to testify for one of her friends, whose ex was violent towards him. It was a difficult and terrifying experience for her, and after all that the judge still dismissed it as a "domestic dispute", because he had the not uncommon perception that women don't abuse men.

Like you say, these are individual examples, and they don't imply larger patterns.

I'm pretty well versed in how to support a woman being abused by a man. I know what resources are available, I know how to help and how not to help. But this? I got nothing.

ugh ... yeah, it's tough ... in situations like this (and I have been in similar ones) I tend to ask myself, "what am I willing to do, what do I feel confident I can do and not make the situation worse, and how much responsibility am I willing to take on?"

That people who are viewed as women are trained to view every relationship problem as their specific personal responsibility, and that it is their job to placate or even fix angry or demanding men.

It's true ... but in this case, at that particular stage, I felt more like I was providing diagnostic tech support for his shitty personality

omg let me ask how much responsibility am I willing to take on?

bc diagnostic tech support for this particular situation sounds like a looooooooot of work :)

wait, Branwell's situation or mine?

yours

i mean, i had done previous research ... it's not like it took much effort to assess his problems ... he pretty much had admitted them ... if we are comparing this "relationship" ending discussion to tech support, it was like, "oh, you have weird pop-ups and your browser is screwy? and you said that you regularly look at foreign porn sites? sounds like malware. Yeah, you need to get something to get rid of the malware. I can't do anything on my end. Thanks for calling. Bye."

obviously I hadn't done _enough_ research to realize he was a horrible narcissist before getting involved, even to the fairly minor extent I did. ... and by "research" I mean, refreshing my memory of previous conversations throughout the years

Alright, I am very much tired of this menopause bullshit, and I would simply like it to be over.

The physical stuff is annoying but I can mostly handle it. (Hot flushes, night sweats (totaly misnomer BTW), rivers of blood periods - and to be honest, I am finding growing facial hair really interesting and would actually kinda like more of it?)

The *emotional* stuff is... holy fucking shit, I cannot cope. I am at the point where I am getting anxiety about getting anxiety, if that makes sense. (I am constantly on edge about everything, on edge about noise, on edge about fighting and conflict of any kind... but I'm at the point where I'm getting seriously, life-affectingly anxious about the fear that I might get anxious and lose it.) And the weeping...?!?!? What the fucking fuck. I am not and have never been a weepy person. But I've been weeping for, like, two hours at a time. Full-on, ugly-cry, body-weeping, at work, to the point where I have to go and book out a room so I don't upset anyone around me. If I have to go through a year or two of this, I am genuinely worried that I'd be at risk of harming myself or someone around me.

I'm going to the doctor on Friday but I wanted to canvas some opinions about WHAT CAN BE DONE.

Do any anti-anxiety or anti-depressant drugs actually work on this body-related business? (I'm really reluctant to get into taking hormonal treatments because even hormonal birth control made me full-on psychotic. Does this work differently if you're trans? Jeez, ILX is the wrong place to ask this, due to lack of AFAB ppl, let alone trans AFAB ppl.) Most of the menopause related discourse I see out there is about the physical stuff, or the 'oh no, I'm losing my fertility and vitality' stuff. (And I understand why, because who wants to reinforce that 'menstrual stuff be driving AFABs kerrrrr-azy!' narrative.) But what can be done about extreme emotional symptoms?

I think it’s not uncommon to get SSRIs for emotional stuff during menopause. Like so many AFAB body things, there is a broad range of symptoms and experiences. I am sorry yours are so severe. But if doctors will give women psych meds for post-partum emotional messiness, it would be counterintuitive that they wouldn’t help someone going through menopause

That's kind of what I was afraid of. I had very mixed results with SSRIs. I honestly don't think they would be appropriate for what I'm going through at the moment. They did help with levelling moods, and taking the edge off the bleakness when I was in a severe depression. But I also found that they actually increased that odd ~OMG option paralysis~ lack of executive function, can't make a decision anxiety state of constant fear that I'm really struggling with at the moment.

Good luck with the doctor on Friday. Hopefully, you have one that you trust. Maybe it would help to write down all the emotional changes, with severity and regularity so you have it on hand while discussing it with them.

Not on current topic**** I just read that "thread for contemplating the serious issues raised by the Men's Right movement" and I don't know how I have never seen it before. That thread is really something. Lotta words.

That's actually a really good idea! (writing down the changes) Thanks for that.

That serious issues thread is something I really have to avoid, if I want to maintain any kind of equanimity! One of those topics where just a recap is enough.

xp yeah...

Hi Branwell! Sorry you're going through this; I'm afraid I don't have anything to suggest, but I hope the Dr is helpful and can help you find an acceptable option.

also if anyone does have any suggestions, chemical or otherwise, for the v well-described "odd ~OMG option paralysis~ lack of executive function, can't make a decision anxiety state of constant fear", please do share, sigh...

Yeah I get overwhelmed at doctor's sometimes, and I have a tendency to just ignore or underplay pain. So I try to just state what I experienced over what length of time, the duration, etc etc. and before I go I know what I want to leave with. xpost

spacecadet, is this somewhat about home ownership?

oh, it's a very familiar feeling throughout my life in general, but yes, it's definitely applying to that!

there's a very long list of things I was supposed to do or even wanted to do but felt like I couldn't start without researching every option and all their possible implications, which is of course such an overwhelming and neverending concept that I just... didn't do anything at all, for ages and often forever, because I was scared of missing something or getting something wrong, I guess? Even in cases where not doing the thing at all was a worse thing to get wrong than any possible mistake.

So when it comes to something like "empty out your bank account and live with your choice for years into the future; PS if you've counted wrong then you may not have a safety net", total paralysis and dread, yes :|

It's good to research to know your options and to make plans. But you can never be fully prepared so I try to live in a state of flexibility and knowing what my priorities are so that I can adapt or dig out of changing circumstances.

I almost put in the other thread but didn't want to come off as too gloomy, that you should discuss what would happen if either one of you decide not to live in the house together in the future. It happens. I don't know about your relationship but money is often the source of issues with couples. You should feel comfortable going over this with your bf before you make this big financial commitment.

Oh man, buying a house is a big, big decision and there is so much that can go wrong and it is overwhelming and requires too much research. And being scared of getting something wrong makes you end up putting it off and putting it off, but things like house-buying require acting sooner rather than later, or else the price will have changed, and the interest rate will be bad, and changes happen that render your research useless anyway. Getting an independent financial advisor whose job was to make the decision for me - that was the best thing ever. (However, I did not have to pay for their services, as I worked for one. If doing it again, I would definitely pay for their services tho. It was worth putting those difficult decisions like "what mortgage should I get?" in someone else's hands.)

But... that is not the kind of option paralysis I'm dealing with at the moment. The level of executive function failure I am dealing with is so severe I can't make little decisions right now.

Actual true story: I have been sitting on a chair in the kitchen, trying to decide if I need to make lunch and then do the dishes, or do the dishes after I make lunch. I have been trying to make this decision for 20 minutes, but I keep being distracted by the thought of needing to do laundry at some point. Should I take a shower first so that I can put my current clothes in this load of laundry? But I definitely need to eat lunch before I take a shower. Wait, do I need to do the dishes before or after I make lunch? Now an hour has gone by and I still have not made the decision, and I am getting hungrier and rattier. After an hour and a half, I finally stand up, and see the groceries that I bought to eat that morning are sitting melting on the floor by the fridge because I have totally forgotten to put them away. My executive function is fuX0red.

I have *never* been this scatterbrained before (except for the two years I spent on SSRIs) but this is my life now. I'm not *like* this. This isn't who I am. I'm a "fools rush in where angels fear to tread" who blurts stuff out without thinking about the consequences. Now I spend 2 hours weeping over hurting the feelings of a fork I dropped, and I can't even move a spoon without worrying how it will all go wrong. I want my "I don't care, just do the stupid thing" drive back.

you should discuss what would happen if either one of you decide not to live in the house together in the future. It happens. I don't know about your relationship but money is often the source of issues with couples. You should feel comfortable going over this with your bf before you make this big financial commitment.

Agreed -- and I would add, money is regularly one of the issues couples have to deal with if/when they split up. Idk if that's part of the anxiety? ... Maybe I'm just projecting. It would be something I'd want to feel secure in before in any way being that financially dependent on a partner.

xp Branwell -- now I'm trying to remember anecdotes from my friends on "T" and whether that helps with what you are dealing with or has different affects.

Buying a house is already an incredibly stressful thing. In the other thread, I think in the past I posted about trying to buy our first place and crying at work because the mortgage company kept screwing up the documents and requesting additional last minute funds and we were scrambling and I already had given up the lease on my apt. If you and your partner are not in sync it's going to be even more of a nightmare. And whatever place you end up with you will always have a couple of days of buyer's remorse. Just push through if this is what you want and make the best decisions you can with the information and resources you do have. Our place in brooklyn was kind of a shithole and we lived in a complete construction zone for a year and had absolutely no money for anything other than the house. But it all eventually worked out very well.

Excellent. I think I've possibly started having hot flashes, so I might join you in that strange country soon, Branwell.

Also, my bf is getting a pre-nup because of his house and business assets, which are solely his, and not that I have any assets but I guess my 401k and stuff, too. No drama associated with it but then again we don't live together or jointly own anything.

Basically there's just a lot of variety of options and all of them are valid! There's not one way to combine your finances or w/e.

Wait IO you’re getting married??!!!??

I...hmmm. We are probably going to get legally wedded so that C can have health insurance, basically. I was holding out for the EU-country citizenship but it turns out you have to learn Polish and live in Poland for 3 years to even apply so that's probably a no-go.

Things we are not doing
* Living together
* Banking together
* Changing any names
* Changing anything
* Having a wedding
* Having anything...until maybe next summer? Probably in MI so look for the invitation in uh July I guess?

He had a possible cardiac thing a few weeks ago and it was really a wake-up call for both of us, I think. He won't go to the ER to get referred to a cardiologist because his annual deductible is $4k and no services are covered on his lowest level of ACA plan which still costs him over $300 a month. I'm not into sanctioned marriages by either church or state, but I also choose not to let my partner die because I don't like the system.

I have *never* been this scatterbrained before (except for the two years I spent on SSRIs) but this is my life now. I'm not *like* this. This isn't who I am. I'm a "fools rush in where angels fear to tread" who blurts stuff out without thinking about the consequences. Now I spend 2 hours weeping over hurting the feelings of a fork I dropped, and I can't even move a spoon without worrying how it will all go wrong. I want my "I don't care, just do the stupid thing" drive back.

I'm kinda dealing with this right now as well ... I think it might not be the SSRI but the anti-anxiety drug I take in addition to the SSRI? I feel way lazier than I used to. But ... I am way less irritable, angry, and neurotic about petty things and things that really aren't my problem or responsibility. So, overall, I feel like this is a positive change for me, but at least once a day I find myself saying, "what was I looking for again?" or "what did I come in here to do?" and it's a "wait, I am not that person! wtf!" But, it does make me realize what it is like to be someone who is "not like me" and I feel like it has given me more empathy and humility.

Xp - Love, your style! Happy for you to get exactly what you want. I’ve known >1 happy couple who don’t live together ❤️😀❤️😀❤️

I've known plenty of unhappy couples who do/did live together!!

Nahhh I wish you all the best, in orbit ... I realize I am celebrating almost exactly 10 years of being uncoupled. and it is also the bday of the shitty dude mentioned upthread.

Celebrate! I'm not mad! I wouldn't be getting legally married if I didn't have to! Not gonna lie, it's been giving me anxiety for MONTHS, possibly even years that I've been avoiding the issue. But I had to really confront some of my fears and...there was a moment when he called me from the car and said in a weird voice, "I don't feel good. I think my heart is bubbling and I can't really breathe."

....

Spoiler alert after a lot of discussion: It didn't really fit a heart attack but it was definitely something. To be determined.

eesh, fingers crossed all is ok, io.
I've been married 15 years and am just about thinking of getting a joint bank account, but would agree you need to be explicitly on the same page, APS.

congrats dudette! (also providing healthcare to a partner is a good enough reason to get married. I don't give a shit about marriage but at the same time I don't give a shit about it so I also don't give a shit about divorcing if I want to.)

yeah, prenups are very worthwhile to protect each party and set expectations even for oddest things. We do have one joint account to pay for joint bills, activities, trips, etc. and then we have our own separate accounts with our own money. We've lived together for long stretches of time and lived apart for long stretches of time, each of us has see-sawed in who makes more or less money and we on our own try to make everything even. The apt in ny is only in my name and the apt in chile is only in his name. Relationships are always evolving but we never have serious disagreements because we talk through everything and big decisions are mutual decisions. And it helps to really like each other personally.

In that other thread where I was talking about the couple of 10+ years who have completely separate finances, still venmo each other money for, like, buying takeout and are trying to buy their first house together, this would be totally fine except one has been complaining to me for 10+ years about being the only one buying toilet paper and dish soap and how the other one is stingy. Ugh. I told him he has to make peace with it or move on.

eep, best wishes to you + o/h, io

I don't think the plan is for a general joint account - at least, I hope it isn't! just for paying the mortgage out of, and maybe household bills (at the moment we've split the utility bills in a fairly arbitrary manner but I think it works out about even)

living apart sounds good but I do go a bit mad if I'm on my own in the evenings. maybe I want a "granny flat" so I can hide away or open the door and call it all the same living space depending on how I feel that day

to Branwell, way back: oh yeah, my paralysis extends to some quite mundane things too*, but that does sound extreme as a recent development, and all the more so if it's left you feeling not like you! hope the Dr helps

(* on at least one occasion I've spent so long trying to decide whether to eat something from the cupboard for lunch or to go to the shop and buy something more interesting that it's suddenly evening and too late to be having lunch at all - though these days it would do me good to forget to eat more often)

I'd love to be able to be with my bf but still live in my own place. I only really moved in with him because he lost his job and was about to be evicted and he has 2 kids, and I couldnt sit by and let that happen.

...4 years later its all kinda stuck like that now.

Congrats, well wishes, good luck, or whatever phrase best conveys friendly acknowledgement and positive vibes towards your news, in orbit!

I thought I was feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally depleted. Sure enough, I have my period. HOW I wish I'd just go through menopause already!

LOL, the menopause is basically 2 full years of nonstop PMT.

I have literally tonight just started 2 different kinds of hormones. (I was supposed to start sooner after I saw the doctor, but she breezily said, "start on day 1 of your next period" and it's like LOL, menopause - who knows when that will be? Two weeks late, that's when.) I have no idea how this is going to affect me and I'm feeling deeply, deeply weird about it. (LOL, what if it turns me into a cis?)

I am not looking forward to the menopause -- I figure I've got at least 5 years -- partly because after the menopause is when all the cancers kick in.

I got a new gyno in a spanish speaking country so I have been having my spouse come with me to all my appts because I'm not sure I will be able to communicate well enough for what I need. So it's like, making sure he can relay that I have new painful rectal cramps when I have to poop during my period and new lower back pain during ovulation and my period. But then the gyno ended up having gone to school in Virginia and spoke perfect english which I found out while in stirrups. He still had to chaperone the transvag ultrasound and mammogram though. Anyway, fibroids!

Fibroids were the cause of my uterus eviction, which I which I'd done sooner. Like, when I was 16.

i started back on hormonal bc to hopefully get a grip on my pms issues
so far so good but it has only been like a week

i am through to the other side of menopause (it was not at all an easy transition, especially the chronic anxiety) and i think i’ve never felt better. i love it. it’s so underrated.

I think I may be perimenopausal, at least that is how I explain the fact that my brain is getting mushy.

The other day I was thinking "oh god I'd be so fucked if I had to do organic chemistry again!" then I'm like wait there is zero need for me to do organic chemistry again ever in my life, what does it matter.

how I explain the fact that my brain is getting mushy.
i looked at my grocery list today and it said "green beens"
it didn't occur to me to blame my hormones but maybe it's a sign i'm getting stale