Hell Is Other People At Breakfast - Caring For Your Introvert

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I'm an introvert, too. I find it very difficult to find new friends with the same need for socializing as I have (i.e. very little). I'll make a new friend and they'll start calling and trying to make plans more than I'm comfortable with. I need a good dose of people every couple of weeks. Scott same way. That's why Beth Parker and Donwaldo are perfect for us -- they don't take it personally if we don't talk for a month, and it's always nice when they come over every few weeks (of course we also keep up with each other on the interweb).

I totally get the quote upthread about needing time alone with one's thoughts to recharge.

― Maria :D, Tuesday, 15 May 2007 23:47 (seventeen years ago) link

yeah, i've made friends with people who felt like if they didn't see me at least once or twice a week one-on-one that i wasn't actually being their friend. and i'm like dudes unless you are my boyfriend or a really really good friend esp if you live nearby then that is not going to happen and it is not personal. i am a fan of parties though and could go to parties every weekend. and i do love the internet...

― rrrobyn, Tuesday, 15 May 2007 23:54 (seventeen years ago) link

i would hang out with rrobyn once a month! and estela! but the rest of you frighten me. okay, that's not true. sometimes i wish i had friends, but i don't know what the hell i would do with them. i LOVE the time i get by myself these days. which isn't often. but i guess it's enough. before maria and the boys i could go weeks without talking to someone outside of work. work talk was enough for me. i think maria has actually made me more agreeable around other people. i even flew across the country and hung out with ned! i never would have done that on my own. not in a million years.

― scott seward, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:05 (sixteen years ago) link

I'm suprised I didnt post to this thread last time round. People assume I'm all chatty and social but I'm totally not: I do it, but I find it an incredible strain and need to be alone a lot to balance it out.

I can be around a partner, but only one I trust enough to completely drop all my masks.

― Trayce, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:07 (sixteen years ago) link

oh, and i am definitely thankful for Beth Parker and Donald. Cuz they are really the only people I talk to at all. And you should at least talk to two other people outside of your family. in case you need help moving furniture some day.

― scott seward, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:07 (sixteen years ago) link

Hahah. Its so true.

― Trayce, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:12 (sixteen years ago) link

I would bet that introverts are possibly even more 'extroverted' than extroverts on teh intrewebs b/c the dynamic is totally different and gives the introvert a means of interacting freely with other people without all the baggage of actually being in their presence.

http://www.ilxor.com/

― Curt1s Stephens, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:13 (sixteen years ago) link

There are only two kinds of people in the world, introverts and extro... no, wait, that can't be right.

― Aimless, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:15 (sixteen years ago) link

i tend to have lots of aquaintances and then some people i'd like to be better friends with but we don't manage to see each other v often and then good friends i don't talk to enough and then a smallish group of good friends with whom i have dif kinds of friendships too. it is interesting and makes me love the world, this variety. but then i also meet all kinds of people who make me cringe. i am mostly about mutual respect and if that's not there, then y'know. i.e., friends are people who will help you move if they can.

xpost - haha yeah curtis i thought that was pretty captain obvious too

― rrrobyn, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:19 (sixteen years ago) link

obvious and prob true

― rrrobyn, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:20 (sixteen years ago) link

It's hard for me to even meet acquaintances.

― Abbott, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:20 (sixteen years ago) link

Fortunately after a very lonely childhood I am excellent at entertaining myself. This can be a disadvantage, as I'm not especially creative about entertaining others, esp. if they don't like non-sport games or mini golf.

― Abbott, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:21 (sixteen years ago) link

nobody should have to 'entertain' others, i think

i have this new-ish friend who is a total talker but i actually like it b/c he talks abt interesting things and is happy that i listen and engage, but sometimes i want to say "hey, you keep talking and i'm just going to lay down on this patch of grass in the sunlight and zone out, but i'm still listening!" which i am, listening, thinking. but i prob can't say that. yet.

― rrrobyn, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:26 (sixteen years ago) link

oh i mean nobody should have to entertain others unless they are in a position of entertainment where they desire to entertain and/or are a clown/juggler/unicyclist/personiwanttopunch

― rrrobyn, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:27 (sixteen years ago) link

interview tih the author:

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200602u/introverts

― moley, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:30 (sixteen years ago) link

Sometimes I talk way too much out of sheer nerves because I think the other person is bored with me if theyre not talking :( :(

― Trayce, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:32 (sixteen years ago) link

do not worry about these things
if they are bored they should not be there and vice-versa

― rrrobyn, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:35 (sixteen years ago) link

i have learned this

― rrrobyn, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:36 (sixteen years ago) link

Yeah. I should also say that when I'm lucky sometimes I'll meet a person who I understand the silence of, and am perfectly happy to sit silently with as well :)

― Trayce, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:36 (sixteen years ago) link

I am pretty introverted and don't seek people out that much, but I live with a fairly extroverted group and so when I'm sitting in my room alone doing something and I hear shrieks of laughter I have to go see what's going on or I will somehow drift away from the group. I like them but don't think I quite keep up at maintaining friendships the way they do.

― Maria, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:46 (sixteen years ago) link

(On the other hand, I haven't spent any time in my room lately because it's an unholy mess, and I've set up an office with my laptop and books in the living room, which at least lets me see who walks in and out of the front hall and say hi.)

― Maria, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:47 (sixteen years ago) link

i love being social and hanging out and meeting new people but i think my "default state" is being by myself. socializing is fun but the thing i really love is going out alone for long walks or bus rides, listening to my ipod, getting lost in the scenery, zoning out. i usually find random things much more interesting than other people. i also prefer the company of cute kids and animals to the majority of human adults. it may have something to do with a sort of nonverbal/nonlinear communication that corresponds with the way my mind works.

― get bent, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:48 (sixteen years ago) link

I am very introverted and appreciate the extraversion of my partner - she does most of the talking in social situations, though I can get on a roll for short periods of time - also I can be a very good listener. When I'm alone with her, she can sometimes get a little annoyed with my silence - she'll turn on the TV to break the silence. This used to annoy me a little, in turn, but not any more - I'm used to it now. However, I've got to say, when I'm all alone at home (rare, as my daughter is also an extravert chatterbox) I make full use of this time to immerse myself in silence, read books, potter around the house to music etc. The TV remains off. These times are very welcome and almost healing.

― moley, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 00:57 (sixteen years ago) link

Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.

stooooopid fucking article

― jhøshea, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 01:50 (sixteen years ago) link

i couldn't get past the first few paragraphs
those are some pretty fucked up claims

― rrrobyn, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 01:53 (sixteen years ago) link

I am not morose or misanthropic.

uh yeah

― jhøshea, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 01:55 (sixteen years ago) link

I am yet to meet a person who honestly doesnt understand wanting to be alone! I think thats HUMAN!

― Trayce, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 01:59 (sixteen years ago) link

i did not mean to kibosh latebloomer's new thread on this by posting link to old thread btw :/

-- rrrobyn, Tuesday, May 15, 2007 5:38 PM (3 hours ago)

ha it's ok i didn't know there was an older thread on this.

― latebloomer, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 02:02 (sixteen years ago) link

i'm not sure whether i'm an introvert or a failed extrovert

― latebloomer, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 02:03 (sixteen years ago) link

articles like this worry me a lot because they can be taken pretty easily as an excuse for depression to go untreated--my (now ex) girlfriend is an "introvert," and while i have no doubt that introversion is a part of "her," a lot of it stems from pretty serious, and until-now untreated depression and anxiety issues. and i know she's spent most of her life saying things like, "i'm just introverted," without admitting that part of that introversion is directly related to her sometimes crippling depression and anxiety. obviously people "are" introverted w/out having related issues but when its related to bad depression, saying shit like this can be sort of damaging as it allows you to continue enabling your own depression

― max, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 02:32 (sixteen years ago) link

i even flew across the country and hung out with ned!

And I'm glad you did! :-D

― Ned Raggett, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 02:38 (sixteen years ago) link

Oh sorry, just realised I reposted an interview already posted by peepee.

In other news, Hi Ned! Sorry I didn't visit you in LA - for some reason I thought you were a New Yorker. It definitely wasn't because I vanted to be alone. Next time I will certainly look you up.

― moley, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 03:10 (sixteen years ago) link

i am so socialized it's not even funny

― s1ocki, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 03:46 (sixteen years ago) link

damn canadians and their socialized slocki system

― latebloomer, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 04:29 (sixteen years ago) link

Canadians are altogether too considerate and civilised in my opinion.

― moley, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 04:31 (sixteen years ago) link

sorry i'll try and be more outrageous and in your face and totally out of this world if we ever meet.

― s1ocki, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 04:42 (sixteen years ago) link

i'm envious, i want to be a socialized slocki:-/

― latebloomer, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 05:08 (sixteen years ago) link

Sorry I didn't visit you in LA - for some reason I thought you were a New Yorker.

Wah etc. Another time.

― Ned Raggett, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 05:12 (sixteen years ago) link

Are you going to bust some paradigms to the extreme, slocki? =)

― Trayce, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 05:13 (sixteen years ago) link

I realized WAY too late that living successfully with someone is not a function of how much you love them.

Good on you, Abbott, and good on the SO that understands you.

― kenan, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 05:21 (sixteen years ago) link

Abbott is actually me, btw. I am patting myself on the back again.

― kenan, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 05:23 (sixteen years ago) link

obviously people "are" introverted w/out having related issues but when its related to bad depression, saying shit like this can be sort of damaging as it allows you to continue enabling your own depression

OTM, tho there's a cornucopia of ways to enable yr own depression.

― Abbott, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 05:24 (sixteen years ago) link

Someday we'll find it, the Kenan connection: the lover, the dreamer, and the person who needs to sit alone in their very own space for long periods of time...

― Abbott, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 05:24 (sixteen years ago) link

I'm now lurking on this thread - that does not mean I am upset, OK?

― moley, Wednesday, 16 May 2007 05:31 (sixteen years ago) link

two weeks pass...

i just wanna say, once again, that dave q. is a genius & that his description of extraverts is dead-on.

thank you. :-)

― Eisbaer, Saturday, 2 June 2007 08:43 (sixteen years ago) link

[Self-defense tip though - always pay ludicrously exxaggerated attention to them - for like TWO MINUTES. Keep mental note of EVERYTHING they said, like you're a detective. This gives you enough of their 'material'. Then as they go on, ask them some question referring to what they've said in that inital two minutes, or better yet, expose some discrepancy between THAT statement and current one. Do this repeatedly, and (cf Milgram experiment) ask question repeatedly and more insistently each time, sometimes rephrasing (this can be dragged out indefinitely, as person will usually have no answer whatever). Since the ext. usually a)has no reason to say anything they say, and b)usually can't remember what they've said anyway, they will become vaguely anxious, then completely unhinged as the cognitive dissonance overcomes them, as they're forced to stare into that void within themselves that no amount of self-generated verbal pollution (think of it as aural skunk-spray or other yecchy Discovery Channel shit) will cover up. Remember how Hannibal Lecter disposed of that spunk-throwin' guy in 'Silence of the Lambs'? Like that. (Umm...of course anybody who reads excepted, like if I see you in a pub or something)

hahaha awesome

― latebloomer, Saturday, 2 June 2007 08:49 (sixteen years ago) link

three years pass...

sigh. it seems like every day since i started my new job, i've had someone remark about how "quiet" i am. and it's true in that situation -- i'm there to get my work done and my top priority isn't socializing. but i'm starting to resent people making a thing of it, like they're putting the onus on me to be a fucking social butterfly when i really have nothing much to add to the watercooler conversation. want me to talk? i can talk at length about experimental music, urban policy and infrastructure, design, ambitious cooking projects, literature... but i just don't have very much to say about your kids, your SUV, or your diet. sorry i'm not part of the special breeders' club. i apologize on behalf of my withered old uterus.

― hipsters jump up to get run off (get bent), Tuesday, 25 January 2011 08:01 (thirteen years ago) link

I spend as much time at work avoiding my colleagues as I do actually working.

― Cars and Freedom (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 25 January 2011 08:02 (thirteen years ago) link

i think the next time someone says "you're so quiet" i'll respond with "you're so loud!"

― hipsters jump up to get run off (get bent), Tuesday, 25 January 2011 08:09 (thirteen years ago) link

I'm getting better at knowing when to shut the hell up. I doubt I'll ever be very good at it.

― I am Woolen Man. The scarf and I are one. (kenan), Tuesday, 25 January 2011 08:21 (thirteen years ago) link

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