C/D: Friends with Babies

time was a good ilx review could launch a baby's career. of course the next could also end it.

One friend (the most baby-centric of them all) has already launched her baby's modeling career. So really they pay for themselves.

whenever people are like "they're growing up too fast!" i always think to myself "not fast enough tbh"

the friends come back into rotation when their kids grow up a little, you just have to tough it out for like A DECADE
which is hard!!

and if you're a musician over, say, 28, babies will kill off the remaining bands that marriages somehow failed to kill

My band is still together, the three oldest members have kids (now ranging from kindergarten to high school). In my observation they miss more gigs, often drink more because they're out of the house having solo party-time, and appear to enjoy 4 hour drives a lot more than they used to. Obviously they have very understanding partners.

Personally I'm in way more bands now than I was in pre-kids.

But yeah it takes a lot of consideration of what my partner's up to. And I'm constantly monitoring how many Husband Points I have saved up before I agree to a practice or gig or side project. For example, I handle all morning stuff (breakfast, lunch-packing, getting people on buses). We also make sure to build in reciprocal time / space for her extrahouseular activities.

So far it's working out, and I know how to ramp down if it looks like it may become a problem.

i recall going on some kind of dumb moral crusade on a similar thread years ago but nowadays *shrugs* table i get what you are saying

And I'm constantly monitoring how many Husband Points I have saved up before I agree to a practice or gig or side project

tbf this is how I operate without kids

it's true that friends vanish when they have babies.

i occasionally say "Seeya in 18 years!" and they think it's a joke.

this thread is making an excellent case for procreation

...along w/ your kids hating you for the hellscape they will live through.

if you plan to abandon support for your kids at 18 years, they probably aren't changing your life much before then

but kanye has a song, i get it

tbf this is how I operate without kids

Right, plenty of kidless folx vanish into gaming, LARPing, competitive cycling, booze, etc.

They either make the deals they have to vis-a-vis their partners or they don't.

husband points

friend baby

my puns

speaking from experience I hope no one who has friends with kids and ascribes to them the worst and most selfish motives for having them ever has word get back to those friends about what you said.

the friends come back into rotation when their kids grow up a little, you just have to tough it out for like A DECADE
which is hard!!

My BFF is 1700 miles away, but when I last visited him and his 3 young boys they were old enough to be left unsupervised for periods (youngest is 5). Felt so strange cause I'd gotten use to always having them be within eyesight. But now they go off and do their thing (which of course involves video games, or coding, or watching YouTubes about video games or coding) and I can go check in on each of them if I want, then go back to drinking beer and grilling and talking about muscle cars and the big game with the adults. The oldest said my visit was maybe the best day of his life, which is actually a pretty sad if true lol.
So idk if it's a full decade per kid, but yeah at least 5 yrs before they get some of their freedom back.

A good friend recently got married, to a woman who had a kid when she was very young. Said kid (who recently entered middle school) is a delight, very smart & creative, and my friend gets to do the things he loves to do most with him - write poetry, play video games, introduce him to art & music. And his wife has just gotten settled in her career.

They're planning on having a kid together now, and it just seems crazy to me to restart the clock at this point. I mean, I get it based on who they are, but just practically it seems like they've just got it all together, why bring a baby into the situation?

mine are 4 & 2 and I already feel like I've gotten most of my freedom back. it's not really that miserable.

Speaking as a fortysomething with (a) a four-week-old baby and (b) a major vertigo/balance problem, I was surprised to learn that holding babies is not actually that hard!

You just need five minutes' perseverance to figure out how to balance the kid's head in your elbow crook, and after that it's EASY. Also, letting the baby's neck drop and lollop around will not, in fact, snap its neck and kill it, but just make it a bit annoyed.

So far keeping in touch with my not-baby-having friends also... doesn't seem that hard either? But we're only at Month 1.

Otherwise, enforced social hermitting = A++ would purchase again

That sounds exactly like my friend, Jordan. His gf's daughter from prior relationship is in 7th grade but they just had a baby together in June. I worry about his gf cause she sounded like she has some PPD. Quit her job when got pregnant, had vasa previa which made for a pretty rough pregnancy and neonatal period, seems pretty restless and adrift now. Hope she didn't feel like she HAD to have a kid with my friend to seal the deal with him (not that he would pressure her too at all).

yeah you can be a total social hermit and yet in your eyes and the eyes of society seem productive ("I'm building a model citizen of the future, wtf did YOU ACTUALLY DO at that vegan artshow pumpkin ale release DJ set afterparty???"), that seems like a big benefit to having kids for an introvert.

main changes to your social life are basically 1) you have to plan things in advance and 2) you can't stay up as late since you know you're gonna have to be up at 7 AM anyway. having an understanding partner who also likes to go out every week or two helps. the thing that sucks is we don't get to spend too much time together not as parents - her parents come stay with us for a while and that's nice, but otherwise most of our time as a couple revolves around the kids and I think that is the big change in dynamics. going from "girlfriend" to "wife" isn't really a huge deal but "wife" to "mother of your children" is a huge thing

I have a friend with young kids already whose spouse really wants a third but she is done plus she detested being pregnant. He won't even consider adoption because he wants the kids to resemble them which kind of plays into the ego thing in the OP. They fortunately have enough money for childcare and she's always been extremely interesting so it's stayed nice hanging out with her.

'wanting a third kid: c/d' would rent ilx asunder

*rend

Friends with teenagers are cool - they occasionally miss something because of a karate tournament or w/e but the kid is old enough to be interesting, you get to drop some advice as an unrelated party every now and then, eventually they turn 21 and you get to buy them shots.

Renting a third kid C/D

(Xp dammit)

Rending a third kid: C or D?

My brother had a third kid that narrowly got in under the wire of his vasectomy appt. I have always been unsettled by this nephew and this year I realized it's because he looks like Ben Shapiro.

thoughts and prayers

phenotypes don't care about your feelings

It's quite possible that I'm your third kid dad
But it's a fact that I've pooped my pants

#whitestripes #poopedpants #justdadthings

this thread is pleasant actually.

i don't like kids but i know it's a 'me' issue and i try not to scowl at them.

not wanting kids doesn't mean you have to hate 'em! to me they're just... fine. and often funny
also world gonna drown soon etc.

the gestational partners (meaning the AFABs) start quietly disappearing from that scene, but the cis men stay.

This is totally true. ...Well some of the cis men also disappear to do dad things or because they had to take on more "adult tasks" like getting full time jobs with benefits which require getting up early with long commutes. ... But I am honestly trying to think of a person in my social circle who has given birth and is raising a child that is still out and about while her/their partner is at home being a parent on a regular basis .... actually, my former boss is the only one. But grandma & grandpa live downstairs so ...

I remember having this "friends with babies" issue on ilx about 10 years ago! ... between the babies and people moving away for financial reasons ... it feels less like the babies are as big a deal in my friendships as I had feared at the time. I just got used to people leaving and disappearing and fading away.

I held a baby once! I did better than I thought, it wasn't as unpleasant and awkward as I'd feared ... I still don't want one.

There is a certain sonic frequency above which I don't like hearing the human voice ... unless it's like, someone singing opera. Once a child's voice descends below that frequency/pitch, I am okay spending time in their presence.

mine are 4 & 2 and I already feel like I've gotten most of my freedom back. it's not really that miserable.

Yeah, the child-free posters appear to formed a mistaken view of parenthood as a decade or two of anhedonic purgatory. For my part, I must say it's by far the most rewarding and fun experience I've ever had. Yes, you certainly see less of the people with whom you socialized before you procreated - but, on the other hand, a whole new world of companionship and emotion is opened up to you. (To quote J.F. Sebastian, "These are my friends. I made 'em!")

sure lookit

a few months back I had this very educational experience. I had thought that one of the worst things I could do for work is wait in the City Building Department to get a form signed for an hour. No, the worst thing was waiting in the City Building Department to get a form signed for an hour while a 2 year old makes high pitched screeching noises and wants you to wave hello to it because it is used to being rewarded for being cute and doing such things.

i like hangin' out with a baby or two, toddlers even, on occasion.

I don't like kids but it's me that's selfish: I have no idea what to say to them or how to amuse them, and I fear brutal childlike honesty abt people they find creepy/funny-looking/weird i.e. me - plus, yeah, I get bothered by noise, and noise is kind of what kids do

the other half is so much better with kids, it's amazing, I couldn't even tell you what he does differently. no idea if that's a thing I could learn or if it's just beyond me

the kids next door like him and were polite to me despite clearly finding me weird, until one day the girl had a friend round who stared at me disdainfully throughout the 3 seconds we met for and said something about me not looking like a woman, and since then the girl has not said a single word more to me and now just glares suspiciously at me *shrug*

I worry abt thousands of possible things I'd be bad at or never get used to if we had some kids, and the suitability of my genetic material for propagating obv, but also "am I so undisguisably repulsive to all kids that my own kids would be bullied relentlessly for having the hilarious freak mum"

You can tell ILX has aged and matured because there's no parallel "friends with boobies" thread.

moobs

I'm waiting for a "C/D: Friends with babies that grew up to be teenagers who are only interested in fast-tracking themselves to be an influencer or a entrepreneur because anything else is 'too much work'"

for posters calling me a dick: meh.

for posters hoping my friends never find out: i won't ever let them. that's why i post on here instead of facebook.

and tbh, i am really good with babies and kids in general— i've been a camp counselor, for fuck's sake. leading around thirty 6-10 year old boys for a summer is exhausting but i've done it and kind of enjoyed it.

i just really dislike the baby phase, which is why the thread specifies babies. babies are completely uninteresting to me, so like some other posters, i'm anticipating 4-5 years without some significant portions of my friend crew. it sucks, and i am bitter about it, but eh.

Yeah, the child-free posters appear to formed a mistaken view of parenthood as a decade or two of anhedonic purgatory. For my part, I must say it's by far the most rewarding and fun experience I've ever had. Yes, you certainly see less of the people with whom you socialized before you procreated - but, on the other hand, a whole new world of companionship and emotion is opened up to you. (To quote J.F. Sebastian, "These are my friends. I made 'em!")

― Vast Halo

Not having kids boils down to a couple things for me:

* Growing up was hell for me. Now that I'm 43 I'm getting closer to the point where I feel I wouldn't be as shitty a parent as my parents were, but that's a very recent thing and I've made my peace with it. My wife also had a hard childhood and does not want children either.

* I have a hard time believing any children of mine would have a better or easier life than I have had.

* Certainly until a couple years ago I didn't have any belief that I would ever be able to afford to raise a child.

* I'm told that parenthood is an incredibly rewarding experience and, also, that there is no pain in life like seeing your child suffer, and no fear like the fear of seeing your child hurt. I know which of those things counts more to me.

* Certain aspects of my long-term gender dysphoria have meant that I haven't really have the practical ability to reproduce anyway. My wife also has genetic factors that mean that she would be an extremely high-risk pregnancy. Oh yeah people will always tell you to adopt. Most of the people who will tell you that haven't.

I think it's fantastic that people have kids and I've gone through enough challenging life situations that I'm not going to look down on anybody for being able to go through a couple years of sleepless nights. Decades of anhedonic purgatory? Hell, I can relate to that and I don't even have kids to show for it.

Most of my friends don't have kids. Two of my best friends had two kids two years apart. I've got to watch both grow up from birth.

When the oldest one, now 4, said my name for the first time I teared up a little. I adore them.

Tho my friends joke that my hangouts are just an excuse to see the kids.