Blue Saturday

deciding that I can only start a work task once I've read all tangentially related documentation including 400-page books I already know basically all the content of, but not sure that's the same as concentrating, just letting more information wash over my still-empty skull as a backdrop to fretting about said emptiness

Basically the title of my autobiography <3

xp genuinely loled at the fade out (please post more in general though)

thanks for assuming i missed having deep thoughts and i can relate to everything everybody said but i just meant i wanted to be able to read a book or sit thru a whole film in one go :D

oh, I might regularly decide I need to read 400-page books on things which should be basic prerequisites for my job, but it's a long time since I actually got past page 20 of a book, it's just adding new layers to the procrastination cake

similarly I might get to page 10 of Google results but I haven't read any of the first 99 links, I've just opened 99 new tabs, skim-read a paragraph or two from a couple of them, opened more links from those pages, and panicked about never being able to consolidate all the information

I wrote my overdue email btw by the time-honoured method of telling myself it didn't matter whether I wrote it nicely because I'd check it and edit it later, then reaching the end and going "I don't dare even look at this text again" and mashing Send. now I get to dread the reply for a bit, but hopefully that will take me most of the way to hometime

that's my approach to emails, if you shut your eyes while you're typing it works even better

good tip, I'll try that when I open the response too

Is now a good time/thread to point out i can type without looking & also write without looking (and no this does not account for my many ilx fails)

i am sort of lying if i say i am not going to drink today. i am trying not to drink today. i really want a drink.

this is worse than usual.

nothing else to report just ughgghghghgh

bargaining with myself, all the little internal "why not?" excuses versus "well remember it's bad and messes you up, you know, like 3 days ago you idiot?" versus i dunno how do i get thru today days are so nothingy

i suppose this is what addiction is supposed to be like but who says addiction's there to be resisted?

nah seriously i should just go and get my haircut but i'm too embarrassed to go a barber cos my hair is this crazy bushed-out mop and they'll be like "why have you let it get like this and why are you blunting my clippers with your Robinson Crusoe cut?"

might go and pace the streets, worried where my feet end up tho

and can do cigs and maybe try to

never mind, my head's spinning and static all at once

and they'll be like "why have you let it get like this and why are you blunting my clippers with your Robinson Crusoe cut?"

Just answer "I was watching the hurling"

yeah fuck em aint they paid for it.

i only got a bollocking off a barber once, a repair job after id done it meself drunk

nb another reason not to drink today

i am not going to drink today

fuck knows what else'll happen, like

nearly cut mine the other week, have done it before

did trim the bits on the side where it was curling out of control

i just had a shave tho, that'll even it out a bit

how did today go?

Agree with being judged by someone who is cutting your hair, if they give you shit about it you go somewhere else imo

i stayed out of the pub, i went for a walk round the block, my old barber was closed for lunch so i didn't get a hair cut but i bought some new trainers cos something had broke in the back of my heel and was rubbing it to fuck, bounced round on non-hurting trainers for 20 minutes, that felt good, Lidl didn't stock clotted cream the fuckers, came home, tried to play football manager for the first time in months, gradually drifted into my listless and sleepy routine about an hour ago, i'll be in bed for the rest of the nothing

felt like mostly small wins tbh. expect i shall want a drink in the morning. shall try very hard to not drink. don't want one now tbf, that went away about 2 this afternoon i think.

Small wins are the only wins required! Glad for you today, well done sir.

ok Dusty is just widening the void that's sucking me down

given that i have no future of my own - there's the selfishness - sometimes you don't get to have a future of your own but you still have to stick around because there's a few people who need you - the selfishness is why can't i just accept that as enough?

some kind of economy of how many potential good moments are enough to staging post thru the desert of bad

Oh no, that’s the last thing I wanted to happen. Can recommend you something else instead?

Worth sticking around imo. How else are we ever going to teach you insults as Gaeilge?

lol it's not you! didn't even know which song you were referring to tbh, but that one's mine

the void was already there, just never sure how i'll wake up to it any given day

just at the half asleep wake up moment i reached across to touch the shoulder of the friend who is physically intimate with me when we hang out - lol there is no straightforward way of describing that - and realised of course i was on my own and my heart did that little slump for a minute

but i woke up to the emptiness again, the energyless what am i gonna do with today

i really really really want a drink just to fill the day up with just to be me

i know i need to fight it. scratch that. i don't know very well that i need to fight it. i have the inkling that i ought to fight it. i'm making playlists and i'll try playing video games instead of all the contacting clinical help people i'm supposed to be doing. i have no desire to engage with clinical services today. it'll pass, it's not 9 o'clock yet. i might go out and walk. i really really really want to settle into drinky me.

why am i fighting? like i said not fighting = just succumbing to self

BUT I WANT A SELF

i see my daughter near every week and we chat and laugh and get each other and she's an awesome friend who happens to have occasional sociopathic tendencies but she's the best and yet why isn't that enough why am i still dying inside from aloneness

woah sorry this is gonna get embarrassing feel like i'm sweating out the shakes

Seems legit, better out than in and all that. Your daughter sounds great.

to parent is to constantly be auditing all the ways you might've fucked up :/

not half of everything would be half a problem if soma was freely available over the counter

my hands are literally shaking like fuck, it's crazy, could barely roll a cig. am wondering if a small controlled spritzer would be medicinal rather than acting as a trigger but fuck it's not like i trust anything i think at the moment

when did you last have a drink?

a shandy on Monday afternoon after the doctor had told me i needed to have a little something for safety

never mind i just realised i haven't eaten anything today. dick. this might help

NV I commend you for your bravery in taking this head on. Hardly any consolation but the urge you are trying to fight off is probably the strongest yesterday/today/tomorrow. That will get easier. A lot of the other stuff won't, but at least that will. No more shaking hands etc.

Was wondering, this may sound daft, but since it's so difficult to figure out just what to do and how to get through the day: do you have a bath? And do you enjoy bathing? I've found during those hard times of 'how do I get by, what do I do?' taking a bath is both soothing and relaxing, and also before you know it an hour or more has gone by. Which, sometimes, is just what you want, for time to go by without any fuss.

Apols in advance for if you don't have a bath :-/

You're doing a great job. Your last drink was on Monday. It's already Thursday! That's huge man <3

More of a shower guy tbh :)

Baths are too faffy for me usually whereas throwing myself under the shower has been one bit of self-care I can do most days

I stuffed myself with random food which has accumulated cos of my depleted appetite, that seems to have done a job. I'm just letting the apathy wash over me for a bit now cos at least apathy means not wanting a drink

Ooh and there's a cool spider spinning a web outside my back window. Brb

What are your thoughts on kittens?

I am very much in favour of the restorative effects of baths myself, like my dad I can spend hours in there. I have a Bluetooth speaker on the wall in there so can listen to music or podcasts either in bath or while cleaning bathroom.

Never had a bathroom that felt cosy enough, think that's why I go for the blast and scrub and away routine

I like all animals well enough but I must admit I don't enjoy the bitiness of kittens. My brother and sister in law are big cat people, they used to have one in particular that just would not leave your damn toes alone when you were there

times i've fallen spectacularly on my face/head this week > 3

randoms who know my name because i've already talked to them at length this week and then forgot about it < 7

shame/fear/horror > 10

irrational disphoria between wanting to die and scared of dying > 1 billion

teeth loosened < not sure i make McGowan look like a fucking Mormon

I didn’t need to picture him in that funny underwear, ty for the mental image this brisk morning.

Can you go to a dentist?

oh my god there is so much work in that department i couldn't afford the fucker and to be honest i don't think there's any new loosening, just a vaguely sore jaw, and that's probably less of an immediate concern than the blood in my ear that i'm too chicken to go to the bathroom mirror and properly examine

i'm physically almost certainly ok. it's the psyche that's fucked. and fucking useless. on a positive tip i'm too bruisy to even want a drink today. yet.

christ i'm a baby i'm sorry shomebody ban me

Mens sana in corpore sano, etc. I mean, not quite, but at least it's not a non-starter. Which is worth far more than you'd think.

there is a literal fuckton of blood all up in my left ear but i appear to be calm and posting as i usually do so

Dried up or still running?

i think it's mostly dry, i'm not bleeding out of there, it's from falling quite hard on my face in MacDo and spilling an entire tube of Pringles under me, Chuckle Brothers get tae fuck i got this

this rosie Malbec is great, it's got polo players on the cover so you know it's hardcore Argentine junta shit

i wish i was elsewhere and i wish getting there wasn't so hard. i think that's partly where the cheap elsewhere of drinking steps in.

But hey I'm getting my hair cut. Hopefully the anxiety tremors won't mess up the job.

a poor trait in a barber, anyone would own

Lol my barber's a lovely guy. My hair is also considerably lovelier now tho I'm still a bit Shakes the Clown for some reason

Bathe in the great feeling of a new haircut imo

Oh I am, promising myself not to leave it again