ITT DJP plays Dungeons and Dragons for the first time EVER

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jealous af, i would love to get into the d&d

brimstead, Monday, 19 August 2019 23:11 (three months ago) link

is Grinz secretly a werewolf?

― Larry Elleison (rogermexico.), Monday, 19 August 2019 23:03 (nine minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

or is he ooOOOOOWWwwwtttt

awesome thread obv

phil neville jacket (darraghmac), Monday, 19 August 2019 23:13 (three months ago) link

• does Grinz drink?

Grinz does not drink to excess, at least not in the company of others. It is common to see him at the end of the table, deep within his own thoughts as he stares morosely into a half-filled cup of wine.

• does Grinz enjoy healing or is he kind of grumpy about it like jeez dude yeah the herbs are fkn bitter maybe if you didn't antagonize the owlbear...

Grinz believes healing is the only path to redemption for himself; as such, he does it quickly and without complaint but it is difficult to say he loves anything, so burdened he is by the darkness of his secrets. And yeah, sometimes the people who leap willy-nilly into traps should lose an arm or two before he intervenes and patches them back up; he can't heal stupid.

• is Grinz secretly a werewolf?

Grinz narrows his eyes. "A werewolf?" he asks. "Do you think my will is so weak that mere lycanthropy could reduce me to... to THIS? Your prying insults me." He turns away, not quickly enough to mask the tear rolling down his face. "I think you should leave me alone now," he mutters before stalking away from the fire.

brigadier pudding (DJP), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 12:23 (three months ago) link

oh dammit

brigadier pudding (DJP), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 12:24 (three months ago) link

(no one saw that)

BO (HI DERE), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 12:34 (three months ago) link

crocodile tears in wolfs clothing

phil neville jacket (darraghmac), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 12:37 (three months ago) link

DJP you were born ready for this! I am excite.

Larry Elleison (rogermexico.), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 14:13 (three months ago) link

maybe I should pioneer Noize Bard as a thing? All my spells are power electronics.

This is a great idea

Karl Malone, Tuesday, 20 August 2019 14:27 (three months ago) link

Dan, do you know what the deep dark secret burden is yet, or is this something you think you'll find out about Grinz as play goes on? Or indeed, do you think it will remain hidden forever?

emil.y, Tuesday, 20 August 2019 14:46 (three months ago) link

I only played D&D for the first time several years back, and not for very long. My character was a Dragonborn something something who was basically Whoopi Goldberg with scales.

Amply Drizzled with Pure Luxury (Old Lunch), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 14:51 (three months ago) link

So... Whoopi Goldberg

brigadier pudding (DJP), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 15:14 (three months ago) link

Dan, do you know what the deep dark secret burden is yet, or is this something you think you'll find out about Grinz as play goes on? Or indeed, do you think it will remain hidden forever?

tbh I am looking for something in the campaign I can tie it to. Right now I have no idea what is other than "something horrible that haunts him endlessly". I'm expecting it's going to have to do with a gruesome murder and it's up in the air whether he was the murderer or his actions allowed the murders to happen but that's about all I've got; I'm hoping the events of the campaign allow me to slot that into its framework because it will surprise the hell out of the DM and she will likely give me Inspiration for it.

brigadier pudding (DJP), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 15:17 (three months ago) link

i've only played one campaign, but my most important piece of advice is to keep a crystal in your irl freezer. you can take this crystal out of the freezer at important moments in the campaign, and steam will be flowing off of it. what you choose to do with this moment is up to you, but people will definitely expect you to do something

Karl Malone, Tuesday, 20 August 2019 15:31 (three months ago) link


brigadier pudding (DJP), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 15:33 (three months ago) link

I've had a huge blast the past couple of years playing my William Burroughs-based warlock. (The Great Old One who pulls his strings is Mark Zuckerberg.)

The Chronicles of Ermagerd (WmC), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 15:37 (three months ago) link

Nice! This year I started playing again for the first time in 30 years. Glad I came back to it.

EZ Snappin, Tuesday, 20 August 2019 15:48 (three months ago) link

This is a great thread DJP!!!!

And: I am actually exactly in the same boat as you, I have played exactly two games of D&D in my life. (My first one I was 6, and I was killed within five minutes by a kobold. My second I was 13, trying to DM for my older brother; we lasted an hour before his girlfriend said "I'm really fucking bored" and we quit). I have the Monster Manual etc. and I read it, like, for fun.

flamboyant goon tie included, Tuesday, 20 August 2019 16:09 (three months ago) link

I have such a fondness for gelatinous cubes from reading the Monster Manual

brigadier pudding (DJP), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 16:19 (three months ago) link

The only D&D game I have ever played involved a gelatinous cube.

☮ (peace, man), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 16:30 (three months ago) link

i already covered the freezer/steam angle itt

Karl Malone, Tuesday, 20 August 2019 16:32 (three months ago) link

spends his life attempting to atone for an unspecified tragedy that he refuses to discuss.

he stole Zristmas?

triple-washed (Sufjan Grafton), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 21:26 (three months ago) link

Nice. I've always wanted to play this but the opportunity hasn't come up.

reggae mike love (polyphonic), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 21:33 (three months ago) link

late to this thread but HELLLLL YESSSSS

join me in playing MTG also it fuckin shreds

she carries a torch. two torches, actually (Joan Crawford Loves Chachi), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 22:30 (three months ago) link

I’m currently at an urgent care with a 102.1 fever and PISSED because I refuse to miss tomorrow even if (as I suspect) I have strep

brigadier pudding (DJP), Tuesday, 20 August 2019 22:53 (three months ago) link

feel better, grinz

mookieproof, Tuesday, 20 August 2019 23:00 (three months ago) link

You'll just have to Grinz and bear it.

emil.y, Wednesday, 21 August 2019 00:20 (three months ago) link

now is the time to fervently supplicate Selune

Larry Elleison (rogermexico.), Wednesday, 21 August 2019 01:31 (three months ago) link

I did not anticipate this strep turn in Grinz's story. Grinz, heal thyself.

triple-washed (Sufjan Grafton), Wednesday, 21 August 2019 02:48 (three months ago) link

Update: I felt well enough to come into work AND I don't have strep, so IT IS ON TONIGHT

brigadier pudding (DJP), Wednesday, 21 August 2019 12:36 (three months ago) link

A mysterious crystal begins to glow in the freezer...

Karl Malone, Wednesday, 21 August 2019 13:17 (three months ago) link

As much as I try I never got into D&D... I have immense fun making the characters, but then I just want to tell stories about them doing some Carlos Castaneda voyage of self-discovery shit (usually for some inexplicable reason involving gender dysphoria) instead of spending three hours rolling dice to simulate a 30 second fight with an orc and solving Mensa logic puzzles, which is what the actual gameplay of D&D seems to boil down to.

That would probably make a good comedy sketch.

Abigail, Wife of Preserved Fish (rushomancy), Wednesday, 21 August 2019 13:45 (three months ago) link

We are gathered for the first session! The people who made it to this go-round are:


We are walking along a road, hired by a woman Siobhan "Chevy" Dopplebock, who runs the Dopplebock Trading and Mail. It's usually just deliveries but this one is more personal. Her family's house is haunted/cursed or something and one of her fathers disappeared, so rest of the family left; her father wants to move back and we need to go check out the house to make sure it's safe. It's about 4-5 days away from our starting point; we're a couple of days out. We get 50 gold each if we clear the house out before she arrives with her father.

brigadier pudding (DJP), Thursday, 22 August 2019 01:35 (three months ago) link

what could possibly go worng? 🤔

Larry Elleison (rogermexico.), Thursday, 22 August 2019 01:36 (three months ago) link

We investigated a guard tower outside the estate and were swarmed by bats and rats. I saved the paladin's life! We then met a gatekeeper who gave us a key into the manor (after the rogue raided his garden, oops). We kept missing skill rolls around perception and sleight of hand so every other interaction with him ended with a party member slapping him.

brigadier pudding (DJP), Thursday, 22 August 2019 01:40 (three months ago) link

We got into the house and I was immediately possessed by a ghost who made me totally apathetic and want to leave, which hilariously matched my character's personality so no one actually noticed for a while

brigadier pudding (DJP), Thursday, 22 August 2019 01:43 (three months ago) link


mookieproof, Thursday, 22 August 2019 01:44 (three months ago) link

love it

sleeve, Thursday, 22 August 2019 03:28 (three months ago) link

Did the DM slip you a note informing you of the possession and you were required to play-act?

flamboyant goon tie included, Thursday, 22 August 2019 03:36 (three months ago) link

(Also.. can one exorcise oneself?)

flamboyant goon tie included, Thursday, 22 August 2019 03:38 (three months ago) link

(Asking for a friend)

flamboyant goon tie included, Thursday, 22 August 2019 03:38 (three months ago) link

This is all work people so we were in a conference room on our laptops and she started a Slack conversation with me to feed me info

brigadier pudding (DJP), Thursday, 22 August 2019 11:36 (three months ago) link

let investors know slack has a moat. it surrounds a castle with a dragon inside.

triple-washed (Sufjan Grafton), Thursday, 22 August 2019 12:45 (three months ago) link

Other things that happened:

The bard saved everyone's asses from the bat/rat swarm by stunning most of them with his bagpipes
Our barbarian looks and sounds like a buff Ray Romano
We discovered that the ghosts in the house we've seen so far are mostly harmless and really dig the bard's bagpipe playing
The rogue spent the entire time stealing food and stuffing it into her face
The human father (who went missing) was a magician and inventor who created, among other things, analogues for the television and the telephone.
Even though the house has a habit of making people disappear, we found out that the cook still exists! We got him on the house's phone system and he turned on a bunch of lights for us.

brigadier pudding (DJP), Thursday, 22 August 2019 14:53 (three months ago) link

hmm how do you know it's really the cook?

sleeve, Thursday, 22 August 2019 14:55 (three months ago) link

We don't!

brigadier pudding (DJP), Thursday, 22 August 2019 15:13 (three months ago) link

Although he did say "sometimes I'm here and sometimes I'm not, and whenever I come back into existence it's in a different part of the house" so even if it's not the cook, it's someone that the house is playing games with and probably needs our help.

brigadier pudding (DJP), Thursday, 22 August 2019 15:15 (three months ago) link

You need someone with high CHA to ask the “cook” a really complicated question about soufflés. The truth shall emerge!

Karl Malone, Thursday, 22 August 2019 15:16 (three months ago) link

The other thing is Rudy the Gatekeeper (in between slaps) told us to look for other servants in the house, so we were predisposed to believe the person is who he said he was

brigadier pudding (DJP), Thursday, 22 August 2019 15:19 (three months ago) link

were they adobe slaps?

☮ (peace, man), Thursday, 22 August 2019 15:29 (three months ago) link

I love this thread! I wanted to play D&D so much aged 12 but didn't know the kids (boys) who played it well enough to join, and never have played

hope you don't mind but here is someone else's twitter thread about a D&D late-starter

My grandmother passed away. Her funerals were today, but here I'd like to talk about the most important thing I couldn't spend too much time on in her eulogy: her love for Dungeons & Dragons. #DnD

— Antoine H. (@AntnHz) August 23, 2019

anyway sorry for the intrusion, excited for more updates

a passing spacecadet, Saturday, 24 August 2019 12:38 (three months ago) link

barbarian school?

Screamin' Jay Gould (The Yellow Kid), Friday, 6 September 2019 13:46 (three months ago) link

Yeah I don't know, I just rolled with it. It's a ridiculous character anyway (he looks and sounds like a buff Ray Romano)

brigadier pudding (DJP), Friday, 6 September 2019 13:55 (three months ago) link

I love the concept of barbarian school, where first week orientation involves learning to eat with your hands and pound the table properly

El Tomboto, Friday, 6 September 2019 14:32 (three months ago) link

yeah that's a great twist

sleeve, Friday, 6 September 2019 14:36 (three months ago) link

Yes, Barbarian school is wonderful. Great update DJP! Sounds like a really fun group. Of course, you’re going to have to circle back to that glass door because there’s definitely treasure hidden behind it

I am also Harl (Karl Malone), Friday, 6 September 2019 14:39 (three months ago) link

We got through the glass door! Basically, our two heavies bounced off of it and it slowly opened, because it was unlocked. It led out to a patio where M'Lair was all "wtf are you manics doing here" and why I took over talking to the NPCs even though all I really wanted to do was contemplate a dead plant on a table in the corner

brigadier pudding (DJP), Friday, 6 September 2019 14:42 (three months ago) link

Apparently I blipped out of existence when we went up the stairs; this is something the house does to people and what we are trying to stop (also it's a genius move on the DM's part to deal with weirdo scheduling issues for a group of 8-9 people with incompatible schedules that will cause them to drop in and out of game sessions)

This is a very good tactic, well done your DM.

emil.y, Friday, 6 September 2019 15:44 (three months ago) link

wait you have a gnome rogue named after IKEA’s most successful line of bedroom furniture?

Larry Elleison (rogermexico.), Friday, 6 September 2019 17:20 (three months ago) link

haha yes we do

That player names all of her characters after Ikea furniture

brigadier pudding (DJP), Friday, 6 September 2019 17:21 (three months ago) link


change display name (Jordan), Friday, 6 September 2019 17:38 (three months ago) link


Larry Elleison (rogermexico.), Friday, 6 September 2019 19:09 (three months ago) link

I forgot to update this!

The party, while looking for our missing rogue, wandered into an attack of imps as well as a weird birdman monk named Blane who seems to think he's some type of magician (this was a new character joining the campaign). We beat up the imps and discovered our rogue, after pulling a card from her Deck of Certain Things, had been cursed so that she no longer could wear clothes. Oops.

The fight was taking place next to a pit. Every time something fell into the pit, the imps suddenly took a bunch of damage. The rogue tried to throw another card into the pit but it vanished and instead a giant Winnie the Pooh-analogue appeared in the corner mid-fight offering to sell us potions. We decided we'd get back to him after killing the imps, which took a bit of time but we successfully completed.

Our barbarian, meanwhile, had been possessed by the same type of lethargic ghost that had possessed my cleric earlier and decided to peace out on the fight. As he was going down the stairs, he made a saving throw and shook off the possession, right around the time we finished the fight and were ready to buy some potions. He came charging back up the stairs, saw a giant golden bear in front of him, and chopped the fuck out of him. We did not buy any potions.

The next room we explored had several mirrors on the walls and a painting that obviously had held the imps we just fought. There was also a small cupboard with buzzing noises coming out of it. When the rogue stood in front of one of the mirrors, it began to glow. We started arranging ourselves in front of the others and they started lighting up, but the buzzing was distracting so we decided to check it out.

It turned out to be a floating droid that communicated by repurposing the words you said to it as a cryptic answer. Through several attempts of trial and error, we closed the shutters on the windows and then arranged ourselves in front of all the mirrors. Nothing happened. Grinz decided maybe we needed to break one, so he headed over to the one empty mirror to smash it. This triggered teleportation magic that threw us all into different rooms with suits of armor in them that moved when we turned away from them.

And the adventure stopped there. Until next time...

brigadier pudding (DJP), Friday, 13 September 2019 20:21 (two months ago) link

this sounds like a completely wild campaign

also hueg lol:

He came charging back up the stairs, saw a giant golden bear in front of him, and chopped the fuck out of him. We did not buy any potions.

she carries a torch. two torches, actually (Joan Crawford Loves Chachi), Monday, 16 September 2019 10:08 (two months ago) link

I forgot to mention that the poor bear's last words were "my life has been a meaningless sham" before he poofed out of existence in a cloud of honey and was replaced by an angry bee, that promptly stung the barbarian in the face.

brigadier pudding (DJP), Monday, 16 September 2019 13:57 (two months ago) link

That’s one of the first things they teach you about in Barbarian school, they should have blocked that

Sally Jessy (Karl Malone), Monday, 16 September 2019 14:39 (two months ago) link

Last night's session was an epic battle against the suits of armor, who all had a ridiculous AC because, well, they're armor. I was the only person in a room that didn't have a suit of armor in it initially; I did find a large terrarium with a mirror floating in it that I wanted to investigate over the crashing and banging I heard in the rooms around me. The other interesting thing is that all of the suits of armor were linked to each other; when one party member damaged the suit they were fighting, the damage was reflected on the others, plus all of their movements mirrored each other. Meanwhile, various employees of the house (Branson the cook, Kalem the assistant mage, M'Lair the butler) kept popping in and out of existence mid-fight. I did learn from M'Lair that the mirror I found was a gateway to the main mage's study; it was currently closed and she didn't know how to open it. There was also a rug missing from in front of it.

We also had a new party member join; a female dwarf warrior named Miranda who kept missing all of her attack rolls and covered her obviously whiffed swings by pretending to fix the furniture the rampaging suits of armor were breaking in her room. She came through in the end though and crushed the armor menacing her and the warlock, which made the other suits of armor vanish. I joined up with the warlock and fighter; the gnome rogue and our barbarian scholar were in another room down the hall and we hadn't brought the entire party back together yet.

Grinz did get in some good one-liners in the character interactions with the warlock; the best was when the warlock asked "Have you seen Malm (our gnome rogue who is still suffering from a curse that makes clothing disappear off of her body)?" and Grinz replied, "I think we've seen a little too much of Malm."

brigadier pudding (DJP), Friday, 20 September 2019 12:34 (two months ago) link

Time for the next campaign update:

After the armor fight, everyone collapsed in exhaustion in their rooms. Two previous campaigners popped back into existence from The Grey; the dragonborn bard from the original party and the birdman monk we met in one of our fights. The DM gave them the option to level up to 3 with the rest of us in exchange for taking on a curse; the bard declined and the monk accepted. This formed the backbone of how hilarious this session ended up being.

The monk introduced himself to the bard as Steven (note: his name is actually Blane) and he said he'd been in the house for months and was its original architect (uh... waht). As the rest of us began to wake up, we welcomed back our long-lost bard and then got extremely confused when he said "I met Steven" and the monk said "no, my name is David". It quickly became obvious that the monk couldn't tell the truth anymore, and he knew he couldn't tell the truth, which led to him frustratedly saying opposite of whatever he meant in an attempt to communicate.

There was a puzzle around the mirror we found and a missing rug that was the key to unlocking it. Malm, our IKEA rogue, could have found the rug, but she instead found a music-playing crystal and decided to ignore everyone and have a dance party. Bransen blinked back into existence, to the extreme delight of our novice barbarian Bloodrage, who also had gained an animal affinity that gave him the additional strength, language, and characteristics of... a badger. We futzed around with the rug until we realized that the cutoff reflection in the mirror spelled "I AM CLOSED" (or "I AM A LOSER", I don't remember which we settled on. Regardless, the portal opened and we all went through it into a completely empty study. (Bransen also blipped back out of existence while this was happening.)

We noticed that the furniture had all been moved to another room with a blocked door, so we broke it down to investigate. Kalem appeared and asked us what we were doing; we repeated that we were trying to clear the magic so the husband of the house's former master could retire there and Kalem responded with "Why would you do that? This magic is amazing." This led to a conversation about how the master and Kalem created a new school of stasis magic that tries to leave things as unchanged as possible, which is why the food was neverending and why people were getting swapped into a different dimension periodically (it was the house attempting to reset its baseline). We also discovered Kalem is a giant dick who put a couple of our party members to sleep and attacked the rest of us when we tried to open another door out of the study. This led to a great scenario where our monk decided to wake up one of the stricken party members by whipping him and then flying away. Meanwhile, Kalem kept throwing spells at Grinz, who shrugged them all off because really who has time for all that, then charmed our barbarian and had him steamroll through a couple of people. Our new dwarf fighter friend stepped up to Kalem and just pancaked him, reducing him to a purple smear. (Oh btw, Kalem didn't bleed but appeared to be a solid block of sentient purple material shaped like a Prince cosplayer.) We began to celebrate and turned to open the last remaining locked door but the purple smear suddenly moved to the center of the room and turned into a portal, out of which came... a Beholder.

Kalem is a fucking Beholder. He manipulated the master into turning the house into this weird magical prison and now he is trying to stop us from reversing the effects riddling the house. We are 100% fucked.

brigadier pudding (DJP), Thursday, 26 September 2019 16:57 (two months ago) link

Also because I'm tired, I keep typing "Beyonder" and then saying "fuck" and editing

brigadier pudding (DJP), Thursday, 26 September 2019 17:06 (two months ago) link

i think i have a crush on your DM

mookieproof, Thursday, 26 September 2019 17:33 (two months ago) link

We all do, she rules.

brigadier pudding (DJP), Thursday, 26 September 2019 17:43 (two months ago) link

I wish you were filming these sessions

SHANTY the golden fish portion (stevie), Friday, 27 September 2019 11:31 (two months ago) link

This sounds like the most fun

SHANTY the golden fish portion (stevie), Friday, 27 September 2019 11:31 (two months ago) link

i will suggest this sounds like a good netflix series but you need a wacky neighbor to play

Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Friday, 27 September 2019 17:44 (two months ago) link

Could totally stream on Twitch

Mario Meatwagon (Moodles), Friday, 27 September 2019 18:17 (two months ago) link

yeah, live DnD is some of the best twitch to be found

Sally Jessy (Karl Malone), Friday, 27 September 2019 20:27 (two months ago) link

obv it sounds like DJP has a fantastic group to play with, but this might be a useful reference for others:

It is my great honor to post on this messageboard! (Karl Malone), Thursday, 10 October 2019 15:31 (one month ago) link

If you keep it discreet, you can sidestep a lot of hurt feelings by “disbanding” the group and “forming” a new one with all but one player. (I should make clear, this is my suggestion, not Hunter’s.) Instead of changing the group, claim you have a schedule conflict, and that the group needs to “take a break.” (As in so many awkward social situations, blaming some outside force takes a lot of social pressure off, and saves face for everyone.) Then quietly reconvene the group without certain players.

omg, i gotta stop linking to things before i read them in full. this sounds like something i would try to do, which is to say it sounds like AWFUL advice

It is my great honor to post on this messageboard! (Karl Malone), Thursday, 10 October 2019 15:39 (one month ago) link

There’s also the risk that the group will dissolve. If you’re in a group of adults who already have a hard time meeting regularly, even a fake disband gives other players a chance to admit they wanted to quit anyway. The stress of the whole situation might feel like too much to them. Be ready to accept this gracefully. That’s the point: You can’t force people to play games with you.

yeah, not with that attitude you can't. ok, please mentally delete this post and the last couple, thanks

It is my great honor to post on this messageboard! (Karl Malone), Thursday, 10 October 2019 15:41 (one month ago) link

If you keep it discreet, you can sidestep a lot of hurt feelings by “disbanding” the group and “forming” a new one with all but one player.

this is how Lou Barlow originally got kicked out of Dinosaur iirc

SHANTY the golden fish portion (stevie), Thursday, 10 October 2019 16:09 (one month ago) link

All of us in my gaming group in high school were terrible but we put up with it and stuck together, because we were OUR assholes. If you couldn’t deal with it you could just stop coming every Friday.

El Tomboto, Thursday, 10 October 2019 21:56 (one month ago) link

one month passes...

I forgot to tell everyone that we successfully repelled the beholder without anyone dying. We also found the original owner of the house encased in an elaborate machine that was sucking the magical energy out of him and powering the stasis field that enveloped the manor. Good times!

We had so much fun that we decided to do a small bridge campaign based on Monster of the Week while our DM builds an adventure that can tie into our characters' backstories and relationships. I chose The Expert archetype and created a street tough-turned-monster hunter named Paco Bel-Canon.

Some of us started to make playlists for our characters; this is mine:

brigadier pudding (DJP), Monday, 11 November 2019 19:58 (three weeks ago) link

I forgot to tell everyone that we successfully repelled the beholder without anyone dying.

I call bullshit

El Tomboto, Tuesday, 12 November 2019 03:13 (three weeks ago) link

The beholder cursed my intelligence to subverbal levels; I could distinguish friend from foe but that was it. This meant, in practical terms, that I went from being "healing cleric keeping all the other fighters alive" to "incredibly stupid cleric who still has a big fuckoff mace and is a lot stronger than he looks" and I just kept chasing the beholder around and smashing it in the face until it ran away, lol.

brigadier pudding (DJP), Tuesday, 12 November 2019 17:03 (three weeks ago) link


Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Thursday, 14 November 2019 18:57 (three weeks ago) link

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