shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

dark
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/31/business/jeffrey-epstein-eugenics.html

Jeffrey E. Epstein, the wealthy financier and accused sex trafficker, had an unusual dream: He hoped to seed the human race with his DNA by impregnating women at his vast New Mexico ranch.

Jeffrey Eugenides

Dairy Queen burgers are not made of human flesh, county coroner is forced to confirm https://t.co/5aHIFFVfcR

— The Washington Post (@washingtonpost) August 25, 2019

They should have gone full-Onion with this one, e.g. "The suspect, who bears an uncanny resemblance to the two-time Oscar and three-time Golden Globe-winning star of such films as Argo and Batman v. Superman, is believed to be in his mid to late 20s."

https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2019/09/11/ben-affleck-look-alike-wanted-after-milton-lcbo-theft.html

Newsweek abases itself, again:

Massive Semen Explosion after Blaze Hits Bull Artificial Insemination Facility, Firefighters Forced to Dodge 'Projectiles'

bullkake

Ugh. Don't you hate it when that happens?

lol I was thinking "What does Glenn Beck have to do with this now?"

Yarram Herd Services Committee vice chairman Aaron Thomas said the loss of 100 cryogenic cylinders of cattle semen will be a "huge blow" for the farmers.

i have questions about australian farmers' bull-milking methods

reminds me, what do you call a field full of masturbating cows?

beef stroganoff

lol

This wearable chair could change how we work and travel pic.twitter.com/KO8QoUcrut

— Tech Insider (@techinsider) September 18, 2019

i dunno man for a music festival i might be willing to suffer the indignity

Not sure why that video is 3 minutes long.

Man gets on bus, but can't use the bus seats because he has tech equiv of a shooting stick strapped to his arse.

man is used to have chair strapped to his legs, sits down while not wearing them, breaks his assbone, sues, profit.

can't wait until businesses require employees to bring their own chairs to work

Kids having to bring their own chairs to school - can see that happening under a Tory government <----- trenchant social commentary

https://slate.com/technology/2019/09/the-infinite-scream-twitter-account-stopped-screaming-to-talk-impeachment.html

No ice. No stirrer. No glass. We're redefining how whisky can be enjoyed. Introducing The Glenlivet Capsule Collection #noglassrequired pic.twitter.com/F4MGErsfZM

— The Glenlivet (@TheGlenlivet) October 2, 2019

Justin Bieber defends buying designer kittens
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-49944571

"Justin Bieber has told animal rights group Peta to "suck it" after it criticised him for buying designer kittens rather than re-homing cats from a shelter. According to the Hollywood Reporter, the singer spent $35,000 (£28,000) on a pair of Savannah cats named Sushi and Tuna. ...

Sushi and Tuna are not the Canadian star's first exotic pets. In 2013 Justin was given a Capuchin monkey called OG Mally, which he tried to take on tour to Germany. The monkey was confiscated from him and donated to a German zoo."

I learn from another report that Bieber's monkey hasn't fared very well in the Zoo. "He still has issues speaking the Capuchin language. He still tries to imitate human speech. He sometimes makes weird scratchy sounds which are not typical for Capuchins. That’s why we think he still tries to talk to humans. ... he was taken away from his mother and natural family way too early. He did not learn to be a monkey."

You know, that raises a question. What if Superman's capsule had landed in the jungles of Paraguay, and he had been raised by capuchin monkeys instead of Ma and Pa Kent? He would be Tarzan, but with extraordinary powers. Instead of fighting General Zod he probably wouldn't give a toss about him - what would he care if the human race is enslaved by a bunch of Kryptonian fascists? - unless of course they tried to cut down the jungles, in which case he would be very upset.

Could Superman breed with monkeys? I know there's a comic where Superman landed in the Soviet Union - Superman: Red Son - but what if he landed in the jungle? What if he landed in the oceans, and was raised by dolphins? What if his capsule crashed into Jupiter instead and he was raised by space whales or floating gas creatures? The mind boggles.

xp finally, a whiskey pod to entice the future drinker who used to make tide pod memes

Sarah York

Guys I don’t know how to tell you this. Teens are gonna put these in their butts.


Local Idiot

Teens? I'm 37.

mmm lukewarm whiskey with gelatin

seaweed based rather than gelatin, i thought, assuming they are the same as the capsules they handed out during the marathon.

but you've still got a mouth full of seaweed and whisky.

( https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/london-marathon-edible-water-bottle-capsules-a8889796.html )

https://www.theguardian.com/music/2019/oct/21/drill-rapper-rico-racks-jailed-and-banned-from-rapping-certain-words

As part of his sentence, he was given a criminal behaviour order for five years. It prevents him from rapping words such as bandoe (a house used for drug dealing and consumption), trapping (dealing), and connect (a drugs contact). He is also banned from saying whipping, a slang term used for driving that has also been used to refer to drug preparation.

New York arm-wrestling legend and his mom arrested for selling ‘Apricots From God’ as bogus cancer cure. https://t.co/pwy2h39FMo

— Jeanne Whalen (@JeanneWhalen) October 24, 2019

Is...is everyone at The Athletic OK? Correct me if I’m wrong but it appears they have sent someone to Ireland to talk to someone who can’t remember taking a throw in. At what point do we stage an intervention? pic.twitter.com/40QMRRCPNn

— Daley (@DaleyAFC) October 24, 2019

actual piece is paywalled but these excerpts are certainly tantalising

Guy makes dating app that features just one guy -- himself

https://i.imgur.com/CGpdynW.jpg

I'm the assistant manager of my regional bathroom

Angry Mob Of Lawyers Attacks Hospital, Causing Deaths Of 3 Patients

Members of the mob, dressed primarily in dark suits, white shirts and black ties, and armed with sticks, beat hospital employees, damaged hospital equipment and smashed the doors of emergency theaters. Some fired gunshots, torched hospital and police vehicles and blocked the entry of arriving ambulances.

Cripes

Conservative radio host wishes for a ‘nice school shooting’ to distract from impeachment

“Given the history of school violence that has plagued our community, 710 KNUS confirms that an inappropriate comment was made on the Chuck & Julie show by co-host Chuck Bonniwell,” the station said Wednesday evening. “A programming decision was made to end the program immediately.”

The Colorado Times Recorder was the first to report Bonniwell’s remark.

KNUS said it will fill the newly empty time slot with former Trump administration official Sebastian Gorka’s “America First” show.

The station is in the middle of an internal investigation over social media posts made on the Russian social media site VK. A user on that site with the same name as a KNUS producer, Kirk Widlund, posted pro-Nazi material that was uncovered by a local antifascist group.

Widlund has denied ever using the site. KNUS manager Brian Taylor declined to comment on the matter to TPM last Friday.

cool then

no knus is good knus

Prominent lawyer Jolyon Maugham clubs fox to death while wearing kimono

Flat Earth FC: the football club who represent a conspiracy theory

https://preview.redd.it/uzpb2xho16231.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=e26812c9bd3990e62eb0a0635f266692bd3bc573

NASA FIXES MARS LANDER BY TELLING IT TO HIT ITSELF WITH A SHOVEL
https://futurism.com/the-byte/nasa-mars-lander-hit-itself-shovel

Lol literally the most Jared Leto thing ever: ‪https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/jared-leto-emerges-12-day-meditation-retreat-find-mind-blowing-coronavirus-pandemic-1285065‬

That’s kind of an ethical dilemma for the meditation guide leader! Do you break the silence, several days in, to let the participants know?

(imo YES of course you do)

Was it Big Brother in Germany that didn't tell them? Is that still the case? They may be the safest people on the planet.

they told them

https://static01.nyt.com/images/2020/03/17/arts/17virus-bigbrother1/17virus-bigbrother1-jumbo.jpg

Ha I remember USA Big Brother when 9/11 happened

I think they only decided to tell them because one of contestants relatives died

Astrophysicist gets magnets stuck up nose while inventing coronavirus device https://t.co/wNZ8bWV3hA

— Guardian Australia (@GuardianAus) March 30, 2020

lol even that picture looks like an Onion stock photo

https://i.imgur.com/3fclv8u.jpg