Kids say the darndest things

Message Bookmarked
Bookmark Removed
Not all messages are displayed: show all messages (2198 of them)

We get stuff like that. Opal was just sitting in a duck ride. The kind on a sidewalk. It wasn’t moving. We said let’s go to the playground and she said something like “I’ll stay here for just a little more hours”.

dan selzer, Friday, 26 July 2019 15:29 (five months ago) link

Last night Opal overheard me talking about uber and shouted out "a goober is a chocolate covered peanut!"

Tonight as I was trying to floss her teeth she ran out of the bathroom and jumped on the couch w/ mommy, turned around and said "floss my tushy".

dan selzer, Monday, 5 August 2019 00:33 (five months ago) link

“Papa. Which to you like better. Coffee. Or working?”

calstars, Monday, 5 August 2019 00:46 (five months ago) link

Explaining the Voyager golden record to 6yo.
HER: But they should have sent food for the aliens!
ME: I don't think the food would last for millions of years.
HER; Cheese! Cheese lasts a LONG time.

two weeks pass...

Re. pre-schoolers at music festivals: Nora had more than one awful pre-schooler tantrum, including an immense one at half past midnight at the festival toilets which culminated in her yelling at me “it’s my body! It’s my decision! Don’t touch me!” when I was trying to get her onesie off and get her to have the wee that she’d requested I take her for. Yes, there were other people present. No, no one said anything. Yes, some people looked sympathetic, albeit in that ‘stupid fucker kept a 4-year-old up after midnight’ way.

Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Thursday, 22 August 2019 21:23 (five months ago) link

she's right tbh

president of deluded fruitcakes anonymous (silby), Thursday, 22 August 2019 21:28 (five months ago) link

Oh absolutely.

Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Thursday, 22 August 2019 21:32 (five months ago) link

Ella has learned from us the "not naming any names, but SOMEBODY [broke/lost/forgot whatever]" phrase, and now SOMEBODY is responsible for a hell of a lot of bad shit in our house.

two weeks pass...

"I'm a vegetarian except for McDonald's"

silverfish, Tuesday, 10 September 2019 16:09 (four months ago) link

Ha, my 7yo daughter recently announced that she's a vegetarian but will still eat a chicken leg because "a chicken could still live if it lost a leg"

Lavator Shemmelpennick, Tuesday, 10 September 2019 19:33 (four months ago) link

i mean she’s not wrong tbf

don’t bore us, get to the aeon of horus (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 10 September 2019 19:34 (four months ago) link

true! Snapshot of morality development in vivo

Lavator Shemmelpennick, Tuesday, 10 September 2019 19:36 (four months ago) link

Chicken fingers are okay too, because chickens don't need fingers at all.

And the wind... cries... Larry (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, 10 September 2019 20:38 (four months ago) link

Chickens have zero use for their nuggets iirc.

DJI, Tuesday, 10 September 2019 20:44 (four months ago) link

one month passes...

“Hey dad. What’s your favorite color of the alphabet?”

Hmm

“The answer is square!”

That’s good. I’m going to use that in job interviews

“No dad, post it to ILX!”

El Tomboto, Thursday, 17 October 2019 01:14 (three months ago) link

Meta-kids!

DJI, Thursday, 17 October 2019 03:40 (three months ago) link

pfft Tombot if your kid wants to be on ilx they should get their own account

president of deluded fruitcakes anonymous (silby), Thursday, 17 October 2019 05:26 (three months ago) link

The other day opal (2 and a half) called her vagina her “tushy penis”

dan selzer, Thursday, 17 October 2019 11:31 (three months ago) link

get tombot jr a login, stat, that's the kind of unconventional thinking we sorely need more of on these boards

expedited frictionless convergences (bizarro gazzara), Thursday, 17 October 2019 11:39 (three months ago) link

Me: Please pick up your Legos

4yo: Daddy, you're kind of putting me into slavery.

(Phone rings, it's Fox News offering my son a prime time slot)

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Thursday, 17 October 2019 14:28 (three months ago) link

We had an elderly neighbour over for coffee. Somehow it was mentioned that he grew up during World War 2.

My son: "Wow! Did you survive?"

ArchCarrier, Thursday, 17 October 2019 15:04 (three months ago) link

my wife explained to Opal that Vampires are made up creatures that suck blood out of necks, after seeing them in the halloween book Sheep Trick or Treat.

she also recently learned about the little beach birds called Sandpipers.

A few weeks ago we were going to Rockaway Beach off-season to play in the sand and she freaked out. "No, I don't wanna see sandpipers don't want my blood sucked"

dan selzer, Thursday, 17 October 2019 16:57 (three months ago) link

“no”

“later”

“why are you still talking “

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Thursday, 17 October 2019 20:02 (three months ago) link

Me: Come on, it's bath time then bed time
3.5yo: Then sleeping time, then morning time, then playtime, then bath time, then bed time, then sleeping time, then morning time...
Me: Oh shit you've figured it out already, how come you're not massively depressed

The Pingularity (ledge), Monday, 28 October 2019 11:57 (two months ago) link

give it another year and a half :\

president of deluded fruitcakes anonymous (silby), Monday, 28 October 2019 16:26 (two months ago) link

4yo: Whenever I scribbled on my paper Julianna used to tattletale on me to the teacher.

me: Does she still do that?

4yo: No, she stopped. Like how those girls used to scream for the Beatles all the time and then they stopped forever.

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Monday, 28 October 2019 21:08 (two months ago) link

Brilliant!

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Tuesday, 29 October 2019 07:25 (two months ago) link

wife: What would you like for your birthday?
daughter: Spiders!

silverfish, Monday, 4 November 2019 02:28 (two months ago) link

otm

Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 4 November 2019 02:32 (two months ago) link

came home the other day with a haircut. Opal says "daddy got a haircut!"

The next day Opal wakes up and says "does daddy still have his haircut?"

dan selzer, Monday, 4 November 2019 03:43 (two months ago) link

For the Dutchies:

"Elf november is de dag
Dat mijn nichtje branden mag"

(3yo)

ArchCarrier, Tuesday, 12 November 2019 14:12 (two months ago) link

Any help on the last couple of words?

Bidh boladh a' mhairbh de 'n láimh fhalaimh (dowd), Tuesday, 12 November 2019 14:16 (two months ago) link

That my niece may burn

Le Bateau Ivre, Tuesday, 12 November 2019 14:30 (two months ago) link

Instead of 'that my light may burn' (lichtje/nichtje mistake)

Le Bateau Ivre, Tuesday, 12 November 2019 14:31 (two months ago) link

Ta! And cute!

Bidh boladh a' mhairbh de 'n láimh fhalaimh (dowd), Tuesday, 12 November 2019 14:59 (two months ago) link

My youngest son, shrugging: “I can’t clean up a fart!”

Wee Bloabby (NickB), Wednesday, 13 November 2019 18:46 (two months ago) link

Needs to be a horrible 70s album title tbh

Wee Bloabby (NickB), Wednesday, 13 November 2019 18:48 (two months ago) link

singer shrugging, guitarist holding his nose, bassist spraying air freshener, drummer passed out

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Wednesday, 13 November 2019 19:43 (two months ago) link

kid's birthday party is saturday, and he has a white noise machine on in his room at night; he got out of bed and came downstairs to say "i'm too excited about my birthday party and am scared that my sound machine is going to turn into a human head"

joygoat, Wednesday, 13 November 2019 20:08 (two months ago) link

Whoa!

☮ (peace, man), Thursday, 14 November 2019 12:57 (two months ago) link

three weeks pass...

last christmas, i pooed in my pants
the very next day, i peed in my pants

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Wednesday, 11 December 2019 15:41 (one month ago) link

hahahah!

Wee Bloabby (NickB), Wednesday, 11 December 2019 15:43 (one month ago) link

This year, I’ll stick with a fart
And give it to someone special

DJI, Wednesday, 11 December 2019 16:58 (one month ago) link

File that under posts you immediately regret

DJI, Wednesday, 11 December 2019 16:59 (one month ago) link

This is going to make the next few weeks tolerable. Thanks guys!

☮ (peace, man), Wednesday, 11 December 2019 16:59 (one month ago) link

I’m lovin it

L'assie (Euler), Wednesday, 11 December 2019 17:19 (one month ago) link

this has really cheered me up

YOU CALL THIS JOURNALSIM? (dog latin), Saturday, 14 December 2019 21:03 (one month ago) link

two weeks pass...

Driving in the car, Can's "Dizzy Dizzy" comes on the CD.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXm-Xco5BWA

The boy goes, "What is this, Spongebob back from a commercial?"

I go into "incredulous dad mode" - What? This is CAN.

The girl goes, "If it's from Spongebob, they should've called it 'Gary's Theme'."

pplains, Wednesday, 1 January 2020 04:08 (three weeks ago) link

I DIED nearly from being told this today, by a friend who is mother of three boys, who at the time were probably approx 10-8-8. They had been visiting some family or acquaintance in winter, and on coming home, mom helps free one of the twins from multiple lower-body layers, when it turns out he has within the back of one of the legs of his outermost waterproofs a long shoehorn, as in grown-up, foot-plus length.

MOM (bewildered): How did this happen??
SON (conspiratorial): I was lightning quick!

anatol_merklich, Friday, 3 January 2020 23:20 (two weeks ago) link

“I don’t like fire fighters because they put fire everywhere.”

dan selzer, Friday, 3 January 2020 23:47 (two weeks ago) link


You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.