Kids say the darndest things

after getting a bit wet while walking near the ocean:

"I've got ocean all over me!"

we took Opal to the beach a few years ago. She wasn't into going in the water but we got her close to the edge, then as the wave came up she ran back up the beach, laughing and yelling "it's following me!"

both cute and slightly horror-movie-ish

speaking of

"hunger games? isn't that pretty scary?"

"oh it's a 12, daddy it's fine"

"but you're 10. and Paul's 7"

"it's ok. i like killing."

The life cycle of a human, according to my five-year-old:

1. Baby
2. Kid
3 .Adult
4 .R.I.P.
5. Zombie
6. Ghost
7. Ultraplasm
8. Space Ranger

agree

When he was three:

[listening to Beethoven's violin concerto]

Kid: "Who is singing this?"
Me: "This isn't a singer's voice, it's a violin"
Kid: "I thought it was a dolphin"

I just learned that Opal said she had basil eyes like momma. She has brown eyes like me. Nicole has hazel eyes. Nicole tried to correct her but she screamed “no I have basil eyes”

🎶she’s got basil fawlty eyes 🎶

“Put your slippers on”
“Where is them?”

me to 4yo after what appeared to be a nice playdate with Ollie: did you have fun playing with Ollie?
4yo: yes. I never want to see him again.

ha!

haha

Various ways our daughter demands more (ages 2-3):

Me: Not too much
Her: Too much!

Me: Just a little bit
Her: A big bit!

Me: Two minutes
Her: No, all the minutes!

Me: Five minutes
Her: No, two minutes!

"all the minutes" - classic

the last one is common at our house too
"i'll tell you another story if you can wait quietly for five minutes"
"i don't want to wait five minutes! how about ... four minutes?"

oh wait i screwed that up

she'll suggest a number that's actually bigger than five, making the wait longer for her

well now we know where she gets her counting skills from

We get stuff like that. Opal was just sitting in a duck ride. The kind on a sidewalk. It wasn’t moving. We said let’s go to the playground and she said something like “I’ll stay here for just a little more hours”.

Last night Opal overheard me talking about uber and shouted out "a goober is a chocolate covered peanut!"

Tonight as I was trying to floss her teeth she ran out of the bathroom and jumped on the couch w/ mommy, turned around and said "floss my tushy".

“Papa. Which to you like better. Coffee. Or working?”

Explaining the Voyager golden record to 6yo.
HER: But they should have sent food for the aliens!
ME: I don't think the food would last for millions of years.
HER; Cheese! Cheese lasts a LONG time.

Re. pre-schoolers at music festivals: Nora had more than one awful pre-schooler tantrum, including an immense one at half past midnight at the festival toilets which culminated in her yelling at me “it’s my body! It’s my decision! Don’t touch me!” when I was trying to get her onesie off and get her to have the wee that she’d requested I take her for. Yes, there were other people present. No, no one said anything. Yes, some people looked sympathetic, albeit in that ‘stupid fucker kept a 4-year-old up after midnight’ way.

she's right tbh

Oh absolutely.

Ella has learned from us the "not naming any names, but SOMEBODY [broke/lost/forgot whatever]" phrase, and now SOMEBODY is responsible for a hell of a lot of bad shit in our house.

"I'm a vegetarian except for McDonald's"

Ha, my 7yo daughter recently announced that she's a vegetarian but will still eat a chicken leg because "a chicken could still live if it lost a leg"

i mean she’s not wrong tbf

true! Snapshot of morality development in vivo

Chicken fingers are okay too, because chickens don't need fingers at all.

Chickens have zero use for their nuggets iirc.

“Hey dad. What’s your favorite color of the alphabet?”

Hmm

“The answer is square!”

That’s good. I’m going to use that in job interviews

“No dad, post it to ILX!”

Meta-kids!

pfft Tombot if your kid wants to be on ilx they should get their own account

The other day opal (2 and a half) called her vagina her “tushy penis”

get tombot jr a login, stat, that's the kind of unconventional thinking we sorely need more of on these boards

Me: Please pick up your Legos

4yo: Daddy, you're kind of putting me into slavery.

(Phone rings, it's Fox News offering my son a prime time slot)

We had an elderly neighbour over for coffee. Somehow it was mentioned that he grew up during World War 2.

My son: "Wow! Did you survive?"

my wife explained to Opal that Vampires are made up creatures that suck blood out of necks, after seeing them in the halloween book Sheep Trick or Treat.

she also recently learned about the little beach birds called Sandpipers.

A few weeks ago we were going to Rockaway Beach off-season to play in the sand and she freaked out. "No, I don't wanna see sandpipers don't want my blood sucked"

“no”

“later”

“why are you still talking “

Me: Come on, it's bath time then bed time
3.5yo: Then sleeping time, then morning time, then playtime, then bath time, then bed time, then sleeping time, then morning time...
Me: Oh shit you've figured it out already, how come you're not massively depressed

give it another year and a half :\

4yo: Whenever I scribbled on my paper Julianna used to tattletale on me to the teacher.

me: Does she still do that?

4yo: No, she stopped. Like how those girls used to scream for the Beatles all the time and then they stopped forever.

Brilliant!

wife: What would you like for your birthday?
daughter: Spiders!

otm

came home the other day with a haircut. Opal says "daddy got a haircut!"

The next day Opal wakes up and says "does daddy still have his haircut?"

For the Dutchies:

"Elf november is de dag
Dat mijn nichtje branden mag"

(3yo)