Real England

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On July 21st, 2009 I decided to write out the names of everyone mentioned in the day's edition of Huddersfield Examiner and it's a good job I did because in amongst all the celebs and murder victims, local man Jim Fennell got a mention for finding a 20p piece with no date on it. pic.twitter.com/ju2PHy2xi8

— Kevin Boniface (@MrKevinBoniface) July 9, 2019

only a couple of weeks till the 10th anniversary of Jim Fennell Day.

calzino, Tuesday, 9 July 2019 13:33 (four years ago) link

the only good news story

mark s, Tuesday, 9 July 2019 13:34 (four years ago) link

THAT NEWS STORY IN FULL

JIM Fennell of Holmebridge has found one of those 20p pieces that has no date.

You know, the ones that are supposed to be worth cash.

"I just found one in my change," he says. "I feel like Charlie Bucket in Willy Wonka with his golden ticket.

"What do you think I should do? Cash it in for £50 prize or should I be like Clint Eastwood and hold out for a Few Dollars More?"

Fifty quid seems good to me.

Now, let’s have another look at my change.

coroner criticises butt (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 9 July 2019 13:37 (four years ago) link

things jim fennell of holmebridge did not in fact say:

"I feel like charlie bucket in willy wonka with his golden ticket" y/n
"should I be like clint eastwood and hold out for a few dollars more?" y/n

mark s, Tuesday, 9 July 2019 13:43 (four years ago) link

You know, those 20p pieces that are supposed to be worth cash

quelle sprocket damage (sic), Tuesday, 9 July 2019 18:41 (four years ago) link

@normalprivate

ogmor, Wednesday, 10 July 2019 10:35 (four years ago) link

https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/d5a1df7ecc885cc5fa2f31a9ea2be36e9df72b2b/0_273_3500_2100/master/3500.jpg?width=620&quality=85&auto=format&fit=max&s=28682b0d31b1e1890de1778ca0f59259

Staff in a Middlesbrough McDonald’s received a surprise guest on Saturday night when a snake was found abandoned in the restaurant.

The corn snake, thought to be approximately three weeks old, was found by a member of staff in a plastic takeaway tub.

A comical 'blobbumentary' programme (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, 10 July 2019 14:43 (four years ago) link

please sir not so loud or everyone will want one

mark s, Wednesday, 10 July 2019 15:49 (four years ago) link

broke: big mac
woke: smol snek

A comical 'blobbumentary' programme (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, 10 July 2019 15:53 (four years ago) link

"Allow soldiers to have their own month" https://t.co/G20OZw4LW0

— Rejected Petitions (@rejectpetitions) July 10, 2019

𝔠𝔞𝔢𝔨 (caek), Thursday, 11 July 2019 15:27 (four years ago) link

This petition was rejected

lmao owned

lool!

calzino, Thursday, 11 July 2019 15:31 (four years ago) link

As people are fighting over LGBT month and saying their should be a month for soldiers, i decided to create this petition so the people of the UK want what they want

genuinely can't decide whether this is a pisstake or not

maybe a petition for PIP to recognise PTSD as a genuine disability might be more useful to "our boys", but let's face it they can't even spell PTSD.

calzino, Thursday, 11 July 2019 15:40 (four years ago) link

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D_OKxGHWsAMdiym.jpg

these 2 beehives appeared out of nowhere on a local long abandoned colliery site recently. I didn't think it was inappropriate to ask some bloke who was approaching them what it was all about. His response was really shitty and standoffish and he gruffly told me to avoid them because they were very angry bees. Like as if I was planning on stealing them, lol that would be fun.

calzino, Friday, 12 July 2019 00:15 (four years ago) link

HANDS OFF MAH BEES

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Friday, 12 July 2019 08:33 (four years ago) link

someone didn’t train their sub properly and it shows pic.twitter.com/gWGiCdJu4L

— Addison. (@EXPENSIVE_HOE) July 16, 2019

calzino, Tuesday, 16 July 2019 08:05 (four years ago) link

Would you like to read about mass violence on a cruise ship sparked by a clown? Yes, you would.
🚢 🤡 🔪 👇🏽 https://t.co/bhfOFILx4T

— Conner Habib (@ConnerHabib) July 27, 2019

calzino, Saturday, 27 July 2019 12:23 (four years ago) link

Allow soldiers to have their own moth.

nashwan, Saturday, 27 July 2019 12:28 (four years ago) link

Can't believe a bunch of patriots were violent shitheads

Mr Jolyon Posts Next Door (Noodle Vague), Saturday, 27 July 2019 13:47 (four years ago) link

That cruise ship story is amazing. The level of detail - who knew that cruises explicitly forbidding fancy dress were a real thing? The mental image of some wee guy in a face full of clown make-up taunting a family who had their trip spoiled is never going to leave me either.

boxedjoy, Saturday, 27 July 2019 13:48 (four years ago) link

Too rye ay!

Britannia left Bergen at 1430 on Thursday, the violence occurred 12 hours later after a black-tie evening. It followed an afternoon of ‘patriotic’ partying on deck, with large amounts of alcohol being consumed by many guests. pic.twitter.com/zQcEXGDJeg

— Richard Gaisford (@richardgaisford) July 27, 2019

breastcrawl, Saturday, 27 July 2019 13:52 (four years ago) link

the backbone of our country there!

calzino, Saturday, 27 July 2019 13:53 (four years ago) link

shd've been "This Is What She's Like" amirite?

Mr Jolyon Posts Next Door (Noodle Vague), Saturday, 27 July 2019 14:01 (four years ago) link

who knew that cruises explicitly forbidding fancy dress were a real thing

enjoyed some American in the replies being baffled at 'fancy dress' meaning clown costumes as opposed to suit and tie etc. can see his point tbh

wot's the tea mum? (not beef again) (DJ Mencap), Saturday, 27 July 2019 14:52 (four years ago) link

a spectre is haunting real england

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EAj5UYgWwAAfwNR?format=jpg

mark s, Sunday, 28 July 2019 18:21 (four years ago) link

https://i.imgur.com/oOA1xkG.png

mark s, Sunday, 28 July 2019 18:25 (four years ago) link

gammon pennywise strikes again xp

2019OK plus bennu (wins), Sunday, 28 July 2019 18:26 (four years ago) link

you'll bloat too

2019OK plus bennu (wins), Sunday, 28 July 2019 18:26 (four years ago) link

two weeks pass...

speaking of seaside towns and (hyper)real england, we have commenced a short stay in sheerness. so far, love it

imago, Monday, 26 August 2019 17:16 (four years ago) link

*lunges towards the high-tech-anti-sex-measures lever*

mark s, Monday, 26 August 2019 17:20 (four years ago) link

astonishing that the shipwreck of SS Richard Montgomery is still lying there after 75 years and apparently laden with enough ww2 explosives (1,434 tonnes of TNT) to cause a mini tsunami if she goes bang!

calzino, Monday, 26 August 2019 17:21 (four years ago) link

Hence the high tech anti-sex measures

I've listened to a lot of misogynic/sexist rap myself (Noodle Vague), Monday, 26 August 2019 17:31 (four years ago) link

lol

imago, Monday, 26 August 2019 17:31 (four years ago) link

if the great wave looms we'll know someone's been up to no good

imago, Monday, 26 August 2019 17:32 (four years ago) link

seaside town of Porthcawl is planning to install anti-sex public toilets that would spray occupants with water

surely this is just going to entice golden shower fetishists

quelle sprocket damage (sic), Monday, 26 August 2019 17:36 (four years ago) link

speaking of medway, was down in herne bay and reculver yesterday and it was lovely. lot of cunts with england flags tho.

friend was in frinton at the same where her son started coughing uncontrollably after having been in the sea, which seems to have been part of this.

reminded of a similar incident at birling gap a couple of years ago.

felt v porton down and 60s/70s cultural defence of countryside - mixture of anti-nuclear, anti-military, rural spiritualism. penda’s fen and the last quatermass. (it was interesting watching the old spiral tribe footage in the jeremy deller doc - clearly nigel kneale was anti-traveller in Q, but he was also anti government science, which paradox located itself around the jewish main character of er Simon MacCorkindale (rada bawling at people at point blank range about the loss of knowledge) and Quatermass (John Mills) himself. both want to preserve knowledge but outside of state control.

yes i’ve had a drink what of it.

Fizzles, Monday, 26 August 2019 17:40 (four years ago) link

One of the victims was interviewed on Five Live this morning and it was a very bank holiday feeling because he went on and on with a detailed and largely irrelevant account of his family's whole day out and the host clearly thought "fuck it, I've got nothing else going on"

I've listened to a lot of misogynic/sexist rap myself (Noodle Vague), Monday, 26 August 2019 17:49 (four years ago) link

only collective quasi-supernatural passions brought on by extreme heat here so far i'm afraid! i was rhapsodising about penda's fen recently, it is really the best thing

imago, Monday, 26 August 2019 17:53 (four years ago) link

astonishing that the shipwreck of SS Richard Montgomery is still lying there after 75 years and apparently laden with enough ww2 explosives (1,434 tonnes of TNT) to cause a mini tsunami if she goes bang!

― calzino, Monday, 26 August 2019 17:21 (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

walking along the seafront just now, could easily pick out the jutting masts of the sunken boat. amazing that it's still there above water. someone had painted an actually-really-good poem onto the beach steps about it too

imago, Tuesday, 27 August 2019 16:22 (four years ago) link

apparently the 75th anniversary of its sinking was last week!

imago, Tuesday, 27 August 2019 18:44 (four years ago) link

https://i.imgur.com/AcFbljB.jpg

lefal junglist platton (wtev), Tuesday, 3 September 2019 20:40 (four years ago) link

https://i.imgur.com/Y7p5Qx7.jpg

lefal junglist platton (wtev), Tuesday, 3 September 2019 20:45 (four years ago) link

real england but in wales (an occasional series):

Anglesey man denies killing retired lecturer with crossbow https://t.co/84AAB1Pgg0

— The Guardian (@guardian) September 5, 2019

mark s, Thursday, 5 September 2019 11:26 (four years ago) link

He certainly has the look of a man who kills retired lecturers with a crossbow

mfktz (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Thursday, 5 September 2019 11:29 (four years ago) link

Comedian Dave Allen did indeed visit Meltham in the 1970s – to interview Herbert Thorpe, the Prophet of Meltham, for a TV series about eccentrics.

Clive Settle, of Radio Leeds who used to live in Meltham, recalled that his mum had met Dave Allen in the village.

The anecdote cropped up during a radio discussion about Britain’s finest comedians. But Clive didn’t know why Dave was there.

Several readers were quick to tell me.

The comedian made two documentary series in the 1970s: In Search of the Great Eccentric and Eccentrics At Play.

Matt Shaw said: “I used to live next door to Herbert Thorpe in Millmoor Road and, although I was only four at the time, my mum and myself met Mr Allen while he was enjoying a cigarette.”

Herbert got his name and reputation from the Biblical quotes he painted onto the side of his house and fence.

Herbert’s grandson, Mark Schofield, director of Schofield and Sons, of Linthwaite, says: “Herbert had a long-running planning dispute regarding a big fence that he erected around his fields and between his and the houses of his neighbours. The fence was painted black and he covered it, over a long period, with quotes from the scriptures, generally in the vein of ‘An eye for an eye’ – no namby pamby stuff.

“He hated ‘wrong uns’ and idleness. When he was in his 70s, with a big white beard and ramrod straight back, he walked up to Wessenden Head twice a day.

“Dave did a series on people who were eccentrics and granddad, who was known in the media as the Prophet of Meltham, was featured. Broadcasters from around the world came to film him.

“My dad, Carl, of J B Schofields scrapyard, sold him the wood for the fence and thought it was all hilarious, particularly as he agreed with a lot of his sentiments regarding workers and shirkers.”

Herbert, who died in 1978, was a very forceful character, says Mark.

“As kids, if we kicked our football into his field we went in like special forces to recover it without being seen.”

calzino, Friday, 6 September 2019 23:07 (four years ago) link

I wish I'd took a photo. I was just holding my dog to let a huge bulldozer tractor drive past and politely waved only to see two children in the cabin driving this potential weapon of mass destruction. I swear they can't have been any older than 8 years old. More like Real Ireland round this way today.

calzino, Sunday, 8 September 2019 12:59 (four years ago) link

I will execute every last motherfucking one od you. I know where to buy wine get tae fuck die die

Joe Proroguin' (Noodle Vague), Sunday, 8 September 2019 14:18 (four years ago) link


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