Johnny Cash falls in love with a woman of mesoamerican heritage who keeps a menagerie of wild animals, or something. Punchline: "Because you're Mayan, I walk the lion".
― fetter, Monday, 17 June 2019 15:04 (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
this is p much ideal
― godfellaz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 18 June 2019 14:46 (four years ago) link
bit odd that my gf only listens to music by richey edwards, bob geldof's daughter and tv physicist brian cox. guess you could say she's a manics, pixie, d:ream girl
― devvvine, Tuesday, 18 June 2019 15:15 (four years ago) link
:D
― Uptown VONC (Le Bateau Ivre), Tuesday, 18 June 2019 15:42 (four years ago) link
Ahhhhhh that last one, yesssss.
― emil.y, Tuesday, 18 June 2019 16:04 (four years ago) link
lol that got zero traction on twitter but several people confronting me to groan irl
― devvvine, Tuesday, 18 June 2019 16:05 (four years ago) link
"My boyfriend is crazy about poetry, but I find I have a hard time getting into it."
"Oh my god, mine too! He keeps a whole book of cummings by his bed but when I borrowed it I couldn't open a single page!"
― mick signals, Wednesday, 19 June 2019 12:52 (four years ago) link
- D34thdr0ne
― Uptown VONC (Le Bateau Ivre), Wednesday, 19 June 2019 12:55 (four years ago) link
sometimes a cigar box is just a cigar box
― pplains, Wednesday, 19 June 2019 13:09 (four years ago) link
mick you shld elaborate w/ shaggy-dog windup, that is the best part abt this series imo
― d'ILM for Murder (Hadrian VIII), Wednesday, 19 June 2019 14:40 (four years ago) link
LL Cool J walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a shot of Wild Turkey with a beer chaser. The bartender happens to be a lifelong fan of LL Cool J, and in fact finds him extremely sexy, but plays it cool: "Whiskey, beer back, there you go. And just allow me to say I'm a big fan."
The next night, LL Cool J returns to the bar, and the bartender is very excited. "Sir, sir, if you'll allow me to suggest one of our house specialties you might like! It's a shot of Wild Turkey with a shot of pickle juice. It's called a pickle back! Sounds a little weird, I know, but if you don't like it it's on the house. I mean, it's on the house anyway!"
Gamely, LL Cool J tries the drink, and finds it pleasantly bracing.
The following night, when LL Cool J walks in and sits down, the guy already has a shot of Wild Turkey poured and waiting for him. But by now the bartender's been excitedly touching himself under his apron all day with anticipation and, unable to contain himself, he ejaculates and it squirts all over LL Cool J's drink, face, and hoodie. The bartender stammers, trying to apologize or explain, but LL Cool J coolly holds up his hand.
"Don't call it a come back," LL Cool J says.
― mick signals, Wednesday, 19 June 2019 15:40 (four years ago) link
My friend (12):
Why did the chicken cross the road?To talk to the asshole.
Knock knock.(Who’s there?)The chicken.
― flamboyant goon tie included, Saturday, 29 June 2019 05:24 (four years ago) link
Never mind we googled it and it’s on Reddit, my friend (12) is a LIAR
― flamboyant goon tie included, Saturday, 29 June 2019 05:26 (four years ago) link
Why do plaice tend to suffer from obesity?
It's the sedimentary lifestyle.
― Thank You (Fattekin Mice Elf Control Again) (Noel Emits), Saturday, 10 August 2019 17:54 (four years ago) link
what do bison parents say when their little boy goes to school?"bye, son!"
― Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Friday, 4 October 2019 09:35 (four years ago) link
it’s true i do say that
― i'm not a garbageman i am garbage, man. let me handle my garbage, damn (m bison), Friday, 4 October 2019 10:58 (four years ago) link
What does a buck say to his wife when he comes down for breakfast?
"Morning, deer"
― Hideous Lump, Saturday, 5 October 2019 16:23 (four years ago) link
step it up guys
― The Ravishing of ROFL Stein (Hadrian VIII), Saturday, 5 October 2019 17:06 (four years ago) link
Let me tell you something, pal, I know a thing or two about baseball. There are bats, and the players wear clown wigs.
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Wednesday, 16 October 2019 19:37 (four years ago) link
my pet doe, francine, got terribly sick after eating nothing but cured meats for seven months. the vet said it was vitally important that i feed her oats and grain instead. the problem is she has become so used to her meat diet that she refuses to eat anything else, no matter how many times I tell her “frankie, my deer, I won’t give a ham"
― devvvine, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 19:25 (four years ago) link
"Can you explain this lengthy gap in your CV?""Yes. That's when I was carrying you."
― Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Sunday, 27 October 2019 23:49 (four years ago) link
lol
― ☮ (peace, man), Sunday, 27 October 2019 23:51 (four years ago) link
loooool
― jmm, Sunday, 27 October 2019 23:51 (four years ago) link
wow
― that said, I’d prefer a single serving of you (flamboyant goon tie included), Monday, 28 October 2019 00:16 (four years ago) link
hee
― kinder, Monday, 28 October 2019 15:11 (four years ago) link
Brilliant!
― mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Monday, 28 October 2019 15:47 (four years ago) link
I invented a new format of joke:
What do you call it when you steal something from a store?Shoplifting.And what do you call it when you’re in the market for an elevator?Liftshopping.
What do you call it when you abduct somebody?Kidnapping.And what do you call it when you are only pretending to sleep?Napkidding.
― that said, I’d prefer a single serving of you (flamboyant goon tie included), Friday, 15 November 2019 21:25 (four years ago) link
ah the inverted "what's the difference between...?"
― deems of internment (darraghmac), Friday, 15 November 2019 21:30 (four years ago) link
“So babe what you in the mood for tonight”“You know the singer Lana Del Rey”“Ya”“You know what her name is backwards?”“What”“Yer Led Anal”
― that said, I’d prefer a single serving of you (flamboyant goon tie included), Thursday, 28 November 2019 05:48 (four years ago) link
It really annoys me that I have to carry around a large furry paw with a chitinous exoskeleton. It's a bit of a bugbear of mine.
― never knowingly otm (Noel Emits), Monday, 23 December 2019 15:22 (four years ago) link
What did the time traveler say to Mozart after returning from a hip-hop concert in the year 2010?
“Odd future, Wolfgang”
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Sunday, 29 December 2019 03:32 (four years ago) link
What's Jean-Paul Sartre's least favourite Irish county?
Wiiicklow
― Number None, Thursday, 13 February 2020 06:52 (four years ago) link
My nephew's horrible at playing violin!
As soon as he starts practicing, I curl up into a fiddle position.
― pplains, Friday, 14 February 2020 03:46 (four years ago) link
marvelous
― majority whip, majority nae nae (m bison), Friday, 14 February 2020 04:20 (four years ago) link
Had to read that one out to myself in an American accent
― Wuhan!! Got You All in Check (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Friday, 14 February 2020 09:13 (four years ago) link
I wasn’t too impressed with the latest Keanu action flick; all in all, it’s just another wick in a brawl.
― wee jim o’conor (wins), Friday, 14 February 2020 10:52 (four years ago) link
Whoa!
― ☮️ (peace, man), Friday, 14 February 2020 12:01 (four years ago) link
haaa
― Suggest Banshee (Hadrian VIII), Friday, 14 February 2020 12:31 (four years ago) link
I take my hat off to you
― kinder, Friday, 14 February 2020 12:50 (four years ago) link
Ha, and I had to read wins' in a Yankee accent too.
― pplains, Friday, 14 February 2020 21:36 (four years ago) link
Q: What did Elton John say when he put a ten cent piece on a railroad track?A: I think it’s gonna be an oblong dime.
― epistantophus, Sunday, 16 February 2020 14:47 (four years ago) link
A+
― o. nate, Tuesday, 18 February 2020 01:12 (four years ago) link
Last three are all keepers
― He’s the Listener DJ, I’m the Listener Rapper (James Redd and the Blecchs), Tuesday, 18 February 2020 01:31 (four years ago) link
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/80/Dhow_znz.jpg/1280px-Dhow_znz.jpghttps://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f5/Collins%2C_Joan_-_Land_of_the_Pharoahs.jpg/800px-Collins%2C_Joan_-_Land_of_the_Pharoahs.jpghttps://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f4/Joan_Crawford_in_Humoresque%2C_1946.jpg/800px-Joan_Crawford_in_Humoresque%2C_1946.jpghttps://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.pinterest.com%2Fpin%2F642396334321655341%2F&psig=AOvVaw2iSLd5J_cVmh2hwzQtsyq1&ust=1582889221497000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCMDI14bQ8ecCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAD
needs a
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/9a/Bangladesh_Air_Force_%28BAF%29_paratroopers_jump_from_a_U.S._Air_Force_C-130_Hercules_aircraft_over_Bangladesh_during_exercise_Cope_South_14_Nov._10%2C_2013_131110-F-SI013-240.jpg/300px-thumbnail.jpg
― Stevolende, Thursday, 27 February 2020 11:30 (four years ago) link
America is still using imperial measurements...but not furlong
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 25 May 2020 04:49 (three years ago) link
Q: What's a policeman's favorite fossil?
A: Coprolite!
― peace, man, Wednesday, 27 May 2020 20:24 (three years ago) link
Folks, my wife is really not messing around this time. She just declared marital law.
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 1 June 2020 04:42 (three years ago) link
peace man's joke works on two levels
― Hackers (1995) (Will M.), Monday, 1 June 2020 14:50 (three years ago) link
With an emphasis on number two!
― peace, man, Monday, 1 June 2020 14:58 (three years ago) link
If i ever need cheering up I think of the lead singer of Kajagoogoo. Limahl? No, lmao.
― ( X '____' )/ (zappi), Tuesday, 2 June 2020 03:09 (three years ago) link
As told to me, just now:
I thought of a new DJ name for you.Ready?DJ Fiona Apple GeniusYou get it?There are so many layers.First: she's a genius, obviouslyAlso, "Apple Genius" hahahaThen there's also a reference to Perfume GeniusAnd lastlyRead the acronymIt's perfect for you
― flamboyant goon tie included, Thursday, 4 June 2020 03:24 (three years ago) link