Homemade Jokes

The young playboy was always running up debts, gambling and such, but this time it was looking severe. They were threatening to break his leg -- or even his handsome nose.

One fine afternoon, he picked up his elderly aunt from her country estate to take her for a drive in his sporty new roadster. Before they got far, though, the motorcar went off the road at top speed and struck a boulder.

When the police arrived, they found the lady lying several yards from the crash with a broken neck. The lad, though, was securely buckled into his seat and perfectly unscathed apart from a scratch or two. Indeed, he was smiling benignly, and in his right hand he held a clump of high-denomination banknotes that was slowly dripping spunk.

What happened, asked the constable?

"Oh dear," replied the lad. "Terribly shocking, but when poor Auntie died, I seem to have come into a bit of money."

Q: What's a vegetarian's favourite breakfast cereal?
A: Quorn flakes

mick signals

Johnny Cash falls in love with a woman of mesoamerican heritage who keeps a menagerie of wild animals, or something. Punchline: "Because you're Mayan, I walk the lion".

The grizzled detective took in the bizarre, gruesome scene. From the deceased man on the blood-drenched motel bed, whose groin appeared to have been suddenly torn apart from within, to the incongruous piece of antique harvesting machinery lying halfway across the room.

"His date was pinned under that thing, leg broken," reported the patrolman who had responded to the neighboring room's report of a crash and scream. "Ambulance just left. What is it, anyway?"

"I don't know what the hell he thought he was trying to do," sighed the detective, "but it looks like he came a cropper."

mick I am enjoying these

Johnny Cash falls in love with a woman of mesoamerican heritage who keeps a menagerie of wild animals, or something. Punchline: "Because you're Mayan, I walk the lion".

― fetter, Monday, 17 June 2019 15:04 (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this is p much ideal

bit odd that my gf only listens to music by richey edwards, bob geldof's daughter and tv physicist brian cox. guess you could say she's a manics, pixie, d:ream girl

:D

Ahhhhhh that last one, yesssss.

lol that got zero traction on twitter but several people confronting me to groan irl

"My boyfriend is crazy about poetry, but I find I have a hard time getting into it."

"Oh my god, mine too! He keeps a whole book of cummings by his bed but when I borrowed it I couldn't open a single page!"

- D34thdr0ne

sometimes a cigar box is just a cigar box

mick you shld elaborate w/ shaggy-dog windup, that is the best part abt this series imo

LL Cool J walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a shot of Wild Turkey with a beer chaser. The bartender happens to be a lifelong fan of LL Cool J, and in fact finds him extremely sexy, but plays it cool: "Whiskey, beer back, there you go. And just allow me to say I'm a big fan."

The next night, LL Cool J returns to the bar, and the bartender is very excited. "Sir, sir, if you'll allow me to suggest one of our house specialties you might like! It's a shot of Wild Turkey with a shot of pickle juice. It's called a pickle back! Sounds a little weird, I know, but if you don't like it it's on the house. I mean, it's on the house anyway!"

Gamely, LL Cool J tries the drink, and finds it pleasantly bracing.

The following night, when LL Cool J walks in and sits down, the guy already has a shot of Wild Turkey poured and waiting for him. But by now the bartender's been excitedly touching himself under his apron all day with anticipation and, unable to contain himself, he ejaculates and it squirts all over LL Cool J's drink, face, and hoodie. The bartender stammers, trying to apologize or explain, but LL Cool J coolly holds up his hand.

"Don't call it a come back," LL Cool J says.

My friend (12):

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To talk to the asshole.

Knock knock.
(Who’s there?)
The chicken.

Never mind we googled it and it’s on Reddit, my friend (12) is a LIAR

Why do plaice tend to suffer from obesity?

It's the sedimentary lifestyle.

what do bison parents say when their little boy goes to school?
"bye, son!"

it’s true i do say that

What does a buck say to his wife when he comes down for breakfast?

"Morning, deer"

step it up guys

Let me tell you something, pal, I know a thing or two about baseball. There are bats, and the players wear clown wigs.

my pet doe, francine, got terribly sick after eating nothing but cured meats for seven months. the vet said it was vitally important that i feed her oats and grain instead. the problem is she has become so used to her meat diet that she refuses to eat anything else, no matter how many times I tell her “frankie, my deer, I won’t give a ham"

"Can you explain this lengthy gap in your CV?"
"Yes. That's when I was carrying you."

lol

loooool

wow

hee

Brilliant!

I invented a new format of joke:

What do you call it when you steal something from a store?
Shoplifting.
And what do you call it when you’re in the market for an elevator?
Liftshopping.

What do you call it when you abduct somebody?
Kidnapping.
And what do you call it when you are only pretending to sleep?
Napkidding.

ah the inverted "what's the difference between...?"

‪“So babe what you in the mood for tonight”‬
‪“You know the singer Lana Del Rey”‬
‪“Ya”‬
‪“You know what her name is backwards?”‬
‪“What”‬
‪“Yer Led Anal”‬

It really annoys me that I have to carry around a large furry paw with a chitinous exoskeleton. It's a bit of a bugbear of mine.

What did the time traveler say to Mozart after returning from a hip-hop concert in the year 2010?

“Odd future, Wolfgang”

What's Jean-Paul Sartre's least favourite Irish county?

Wiiicklow

My nephew's horrible at playing violin!

As soon as he starts practicing, I curl up into a fiddle position.

marvelous

Had to read that one out to myself in an American accent

I wasn’t too impressed with the latest Keanu action flick; all in all, it’s just another wick in a brawl.

Whoa!

haaa

I take my hat off to you

Ha, and I had to read wins' in a Yankee accent too.

Q: What did Elton John say when he put a ten cent piece on a railroad track?
A: I think it’s gonna be an oblong dime.

A+

Last three are all keepers

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/80/Dhow_znz.jpg/1280px-Dhow_znz.jpg
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f5/Collins%2C_Joan_-_Land_of_the_Pharoahs.jpg/800px-Collins%2C_Joan_-_Land_of_the_Pharoahs.jpg
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f4/Joan_Crawford_in_Humoresque%2C_1946.jpg/800px-Joan_Crawford_in_Humoresque%2C_1946.jpg
https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.pinterest.com%2Fpin%2F642396334321655341%2F&psig=AOvVaw2iSLd5J_cVmh2hwzQtsyq1&ust=1582889221497000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCMDI14bQ8ecCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAD

needs a

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/9a/Bangladesh_Air_Force_%28BAF%29_paratroopers_jump_from_a_U.S._Air_Force_C-130_Hercules_aircraft_over_Bangladesh_during_exercise_Cope_South_14_Nov._10%2C_2013_131110-F-SI013-240.jpg/300px-thumbnail.jpg

America is still using imperial measurements...but not furlong