AGING PARENTS

My mother, who refuses to connect her phone to the internet I pay for at her house, or use the tablet that my sisters bought her, managed to send a txt message to my email address, from the other side of the world asking what Netflix is, because the physical newspaper keeps running stories about Tales Of The City on Netflix

my mother has an email account with her isp, a gmail account, and an email account associated with her iphone. she steadfastly refuses to acknowledge even having the latter and does not check its inbox, despite sending most of her emails to me from it

she also gets like 100 emails a day to each address -- some of them are (health/food) newsletters, some are Special Offers from stores, and quite a lot are from random democratic candidates around the country asking for money

the internet has made her life actively worse. mama sic otm

tbf I gave her a laptop six years ago and within 13 months she managed to get enough spam which she clicked on that the whole computer was fucked & had to be trashed

The most technologically advanced my mom ever got was being able to work a DVR and play computer Solitaire, so y'all's parents are way ahead, though sic, had I managed to get my mom computer literate enough to work with e-mail I suspect I'd have had a similar story to yours. Oh well, I figure that as far as my parents (and others in their generation like them) went, they didn't even get TVs in their households until they entered high school and spent well over half their working lives without a computerized workplace, so it was impressive enough that Mom knew how to operate a DVR.

My mother's been dealing with bowel and sudden-diarrhea problems on and off for years, and it's been especially bad for the past few weeks. Today I went with her to one of her checkups and she was telling the LNP about it -- "I've been taking Metamucil like Dr. _________ told me to but it's just getting worse and worse..."
LNP and I look at each other. Me: "Metamucil? Not Imodium?"
Mom: "Metamucil...?"
"Mom, you've been treating your diarrhea with a laxative. You're probably causing your diarrhea."
Mom looks at LNP, who nods.
"Ohhhhh, lorrrrrd..."

We have to get her into assisted living, but she's just able enough and very much independent enough to keep putting it off. But stuff like this is getting more common.

Has anyone here ever asked the police to do a welfare check on a relative? My mother's not answering her phone.

Happens all the time, don’t hesitate if you are concerned and don’t have another contact (neighbor, etc.) to do it.

My sister wound up going out there. Fortunately she was okay, but we're still at an uncomfortable impasse. My sister "jokes" about burning the house down.

My Dad has a malignant tumor in his colon - was only discovered last month after he began getting odd fevers and developing anemia. He turned 80 two weeks ago and, until a few months ago, was walking miles every day. He's been a healthy guy most of his life til now. We find out Wednesday next week what stage cancer he's in and my two younger sisters in the US ( Dad is in Colombia and I'm in Netherlands) sent me a Whatsapp message last night while I was asleep stating they'd decided it was best I be there beside him in case he needs to go into immediate surgery next week. Both sisters have families, I'm single with no kids so it's easiest for me to head over. Am going to pack up what I'll need for a couple of months at least and prepare to fly over to be with him. Crazy week.

Good luck man.

Thank you. Hoping the best for my old man.

That's rough, Capitane. Best of luck.

Sorry to hear. It’s really great that you are traveling so far to be with him.

Wishing you a lot of strength. Like Quincie said, it's a small silver lining that you are in a position to head over for him.

yesterday, at the drugstore, my mom couldn’t find her car keys, setting off a five-minute scramble until they were found in ‘a pocket she never uses’

going back out later, she had to use a backup set of car keys because she couldn’t find the main set

this morning at the chiropractor she locked the keys in the car and may or may not return home before i have to go to the airport

update: the keys were not in the car but in her pocket all along

Alex, I'd like "Where are my keys?" for $200.

I have so many confusing thoughts about watching my parents get older but most of them center around knowing that it's happening to me, too. And that's even without considering their various maladies and how it points to my own fallibilities.

I don't really know how to say this, or where, but I'm overcome with emotion right now. I was gonna post something on Facebook but it didn't feel appropriate at all. And also it doesn't really belong on any other thread.

In my family I have two relatives with whom I had a deep connection. One of them, my godmother/great-aunt, passed in 2017. The other is a cousin who is in her late 70s. She was diagnosed with late-stage ALS a couple years ago, around the same time that her partner was diagnosed with cancer.

Her partner is now on his last days, he is in hospice with two-months to live. My cousin, however, was facing another year of slow deterioration as a result of her ALS. Already she has extreme difficulty speaking or doing anything.

I was just informed this morning that my cousin has been approved for physician-assisted suicide. Her life will end this coming week. This only became legal in Canada in 2016. I was e-mailing her and I was feeling so, so overwhelmed with happiness and gratefulness. I am so happy that she has been able to choose how she wishes to die, I am so happy that I'm able to be in touch with her and see her before she does, I am just... feeling really grateful that this mechanism exists.

Much love to you and to your cousin, fgti. When Jerry Brown signed the law allowing for that in California, I appreciated his public statement: "In the end, I was left to reflect on what I would want in the face of my own death. I do not know what I would do if I were dying in prolonged and excruciating pain. I am certain, however, that it would be a comfort to be able to consider the options afforded by this bill. And I wouldn't deny that right to others." That seems very right to me.

Well put, Jerry Brown! I mean, it's kind of amazing right now. She picked out her coffin herself, she's telling us all what she wants to have done at her funeral (and subsequent joint remembrance once her partner passes). I, like, don't feel really much grief at all right now, this is such a dignified thing. I feel sad that she got sick but happy that she has the opportunity to go out with dignity and with all of us being able to tell her how much we love her and how much she means to us.

The last time we hung out (outside of like family Christmas/Thanksgiving) we ate oysters and drank champagne at a place in Toronto and she got tipsy and said "I'm going to the ladies' room. When I come back, I'm gonna be YOUNGER. And RICHER." Ugh she is the best

She ran a geriatric-care company that provided in-home nursing services so she is very-well acquainted with the progress of ALS on the body and ya idk, I'm feeling so sad and happy at the same time, it's an interesting feeling

Ah fgti I just read this after watching The Good Place finale and the ILX thread on it. So I'm thinking good things about all this although I know it will be so hard in lots of ways.
I hope that doesn't sound demeaning - the show ended on, basically, situations where you choose your own exit.

Ya she died yesterday. She sent me a nice e-mail on Wednesday! She thanked me for agreeing to play violin at her funeral on Monday, and I sent her a recording of what I'm going to play (with bf accompanying on piano, tho it'll be an organ at the funeral home). She said "I always thought we were both really 'out there' and so I was glad to have company".

I'm sorry for your loss, Fgti. But it's a loving way to choose your end, and to do it surrounded by such love and warmth. Glad your special relationship with her was acknowledged at the very end. That's something to treasure. Good luck Monday <3

xpost Gosh what a lovely, lovely sentiment. And it's so true, knowing there's someone else who gets you.

oh wow <3

that’s really beautiful. sorry for yr loss fgti

An update on my Dad: He had successful surgery earlier this month to remove a cancerous growth on his colon. Fortunately it hadn't metastasized. He went in for a follow up appointment two days ago and was told no other signs of cancer are present. He will have a Q scan (?) in a few months (his choice) but right now he's just getting back to enjoying his life: spending time with his wife and siblings, walks in the neighborhood, seeing old friends and afternoon stops at the local café.

Thanks for all your good thoughts, everyone. It means a lot.

Have to add that my love for my parents - my Mom lives in Colombia as well - was never more present to me, at least in my adult life, than in these past couple of months. I can kick myself for giving them so much grief in the past.

My father passed away a few days ago, six years after he moved to Athens so we could care for him. He had severe Alzheimer's. He was doing fairly well in a memory care facility until the end of January, when he had emergency surgery for deep vein thrombosis in both legs. The surgery was effective, but the work of healing was beyond his 85-year-old body, and when he left the hospital he went into hospice at a nursing home. I'm grateful he didn't linger longer than he did.

Rereading my previous posts in this thread, I'm struck by how long my life was shaped by his caregiving needs and how strange it feels to be released from that constant vigilance.

Discussions upthread about getting power of attorney, locating original copies of important documents, and intervening to help with financial management all look extremely OTM as I'm beginning the process of settling his estate. If your aging parent is starting to show signs of dementia, do everyone a favor and get ahead of those problems while your parent can still contribute to solutions.

My condolences and love to you and yours, Brad C.

best wishes

Sincere condolences to you Brad.
I went through pretty much the same experience caring for my dad who had a specific brain-damaging type of Parkinson. He was OK-ish until we had to get him operated and he deterioated pretty quichly after that. Strange sense of relief once he passed but that was short lived since I then realised I now had to deal with my aging and deranged mother being on her own. Anyway, all advices regarding power of attorney are OTM. I guess things vary across countries, but one of the best advices I got was to get, while my mother was still lucid enough, a general power of attorney and a prior designation of guardianship.

Sorry to hear about your father, Brad. I’m going through exactly what you’re describing now — trying to get documents and PoA in place. One parent has dementia, the other has Parkinson’s. It would be easiest if my dad didn’t have spurts of manly independence in which he’ll undermine the work I’m trying to do with him.

The place my mom lives (assisted living/skilled nursing/memory care - she is at a lower level of assisted living but memory issues getting obviously worse) just emailed that they have had their first resident death from covid-19, and 1/2 the skilled nursing residents have tested positive. And mom keeps "sneaking out to check her mail". She's half the country away and we have a fraught relationship but very worrying.

That's terrible, Jaq. Not least of which is your inability to intervene in any meaningful way. Here's hoping the people on site are able to form and follow the best possible plan and your mom escapes the danger.

My parents are only an hour away, and although I’m Instacarting all their groceries for them nearly every two days, they are going to the supermarket on the alternate days for

- that soup we like
- cottage cheese with pineapple
- to see if they have the other kind of deli turkey
- some better tuna fish than the one you bought us

my sister brought groceroes for my parents & later that day dad went out for the newspaper & came home with two more bags of groceries

I swear if I ever get another text / email about whether my folks should worry about running out of iCloud storage, caused by Apple default "back up everything including the backups to iCloud", I am going down to Cupertino with a very large axe.

my mom had a knee replacement on tuesday, after a three-week coronavirus delay.

she had the other knee replaced eight years ago and was in the hospital for two or three nights. they've made some advances since then, so the initial plan was for her to spend one night, and if all went well send her home the next day.

somehow over the weekend, no doubt because she wasn't paying attention, she got the idea that she'd be in the hospital for a week. (?!?!) and my dad isn't there to take care of things anymore. she didn't bother cleaning up her hording-mess house, making it unsafe for her to be at home either way. nevertheless, home she went yesterday afternoon.

this morning i woke up to several voicemails from various therapy/home healthcare people who were unable to reach her at home. no answer on her home phone, which isn't surprising; also no answer on her cellphone. did she turn it off? did she not charge it? has she fallen and can't get up? who knows

i am 500 miles away but persuade one of the nurse people to go to her house; later i get a call from the nurse saying my mom is at home and everything's okay.

four hours later the nurse calls me back saying my mom's back at the hospital; in the nurse's judgment, the state of my mom's mobility and the state of her house made it unsafe for her to be there. the nurse has had a fight with the physical therapist who then showed up -- both groups talked to their superiors, no one got authorization to do anything, and the nurse decided to call an ambulance.

so now my mom's back at the hospital, in the emergency room. she finally called me an hour ago. she's exhausted and has no idea what's going on. indeed, nothing may be going on because no one appears to have made any plans. she's paid a shitload of money for this escalating care-at-home program but i can't tell what they're actually doing here.

this is pretty frustrating!

mookie I help ppl navigate stuff like this ^^^ for a living so feel free to hit me up.

unlikely she will be admitted into hospital. possibly a shot at a rehab stay.

moving this off the Covid 19 thread, but:

My parents are fascinating in the age of Covid. Dismissing / minimizing the pandemic is a point of pride for them, even though they're clearly terrified of it (when they remember it exists).

They are old New England Quakers, and emotionally/physically closed off in the Robert Frost mode They do not have friends. They do not have a TV, and probably can't get on the internet Their parents all stayed healthy until their 90s, or dropped off suddenly due to rapid illness, and so my mom/dad have no idea what normal aging looks like. Each ailment and infirmity is Just An Unbearable Tragedy to them, and perpetually unexpected. My dad bought five new cell phones last year 'because all the earpieces are too quiet.' Each time, I pointed out that the phone was fine and he couldn't hear well any more. I kept suggesting the audiologist. After returning phone number six, dad became really teary/upset and said he wondered if there was something wrong with his ears. One night he undertook an exploration with a q-tip that required an urgent care visit and antibiotics, and ... then had a very teary breakdown about how Awful Old Age Is, and Out of Nowhere He's Deaf. (He's not deaf. He's got age-related hearing loss, and he doesn't like most of what people around him say, so he ignores it).

So what's a coronavirus to them?

I think I'm finally ready to bite the bullet and coerce my mom into moving into a retirement home. Worse period ever to do this, I know, but she's been in and out of ERs for the last 6 months because she's basically unfit to live on her own (although she has someone coming most days to check in on her). Now, given how lost she is mentally, I figure I could somehow lie to her and pretend I'm stationing her into a "hotel" for a while, while i look for a new house for her. A bit shitty but oh well

My dad bought five new cell phones last year 'because all the earpieces are too quiet.'

My mum went through God knows how many phones she couldn't hear - not cell phones, she never worked out how to use them.

Having now seen many people age and die, there is generally a goodly lag time between losing an ability and starting to see oneself as someone who has lost that ability. I expect I will not be much different. Like most old people, I'll complain that nothing is as good as it used to be and then blame externalities for it.

Is it true of most old people? I don't know. When my hairline started to go, I didn't attempt a comb-over. I shaved it, and cut it short, and said 'well, hell, that was the part of my life where I had hair. I enjoyed it.' i think it has to do with attitude and comfort with change and, inevitably, death... i'm pretty cool with it.

Currently, nothing is as good as it used to be, so make hay.

I have been redo-ing my will and trust, worried about covid-19. I have been thinking about my parents, who are both now dead, and about who I want as my heirs and about my eventual death and burial

My parents were so much older than me that they almost felt like grandparents. When I graduated from catholic grade school they wouldn’t allow me go to the catholic high school I so wanted to attend to be with my best friend, but insisted that I attend the local public high school instead. I guess in retrospect that was a good decision.