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Hi Internet! like dozens of you, i will be watching with rapt attention tonight as the golden state warriors face off against their friends to the north, the portland trail blazers. but before I do that, I will be watching perhaps the most important and unpredictable matchup of the year: the draft lottery.
after careful examination, i have ranked all 14 teams in the draft lottery who are eligible to take the #1 pick, with which they will either take Zion Williamson, aka Zion William's Son, aka im dad, or fuck up their franchise so permanently and so profoundly that it will have no choice but to move to Seattle (or Montreal if i'm lucky! haha just kidding we can't support a sports team).
keep in mind this isn't personal! i mean i personally don't care about or like some of these teams but it's nothing against YOU, the FANS of those teams, who are all excellent and wonderful. (i can say this because the celtics are ineligible for a first-overall pick.*)
FRIENDS, FOES, AND PPL I HAVE A NEUTRAL OPINION OF, I PRESENT: A SABERMETRIC RANKING OF THE ZION SWEEPSTAKES OUTCOMES.
TIER 1 SCENARIOS AKA "VERY NICE SCENARIOS"
- Atlanta, Dallas, Charlotte, Wolves, Philly (via Sacramento)
REASONS: I like the Hawks, Donc-zion-gis (yes that's the name of those 3 now) would be thrilling, I am nostalgic for the Hornets of yore and have a vintage jacket of theirs, I feel like the Wolves deserve a break for some reason? and omg if the 76ers got Zion it'd be profoundly bullshit but also profoundly THE PROCESS and im here for it.
TIER 2 SCENARIOS AKA "NICE, BUT CURSED SCENARIOS"
- Knicks, Suns, Pelicans, Bulls
REASONS: The VOLTRON KNICKS RETALIATIO sounds like GREAT fun drama to follow. imagine durant and kyrie moping around manhattan!!! the suns are a CURSED FRANCHISE and worst-case zion languishes in desert obscurity but seriously how do they fuck up ayton, booker, zion, bridges? i'm morbidly excited to find out! pelicans davis drama maybe gets turned around if zion shows up but honestly i think it's too late so he's just "new brow" so it's a wash. the bulls haven't inspired anyone in a while, zion might help, but even though it's been like 30 years since jordan was drafted i still kinda feel like they've had their share.
TIER 3 SCENARIOS AKA "I DON'T CARE SCENARIOS... DONTCARIOS? CAN I PORTMANTEAU THAT? SCENARIOS"
- Washington, Memphis, Miami
REASONS: I don't care, really. Miami ok I guess, Beal+Zion maybe fun, I can't even remember a Memphis player off the top of my head
TIER 4 AKA "I'M WATCHING HOCKEY NEXT YEAR, WHO'S GOOD IN HOCKEY, I HAVEN'T WATCHED IN A WHILE SCENARIOS"
- Cleveland, Lakers
REASONS: I don't want Cleveland to get bailed out of the Lebron situation, and I don't want LA to get bailed out of the Lebron situation
ODDS OF VERY NICE: 10.5+6+3+1+1 = 21.5% odds
ODDS OF NICE BUT CURSED: 14+14+6+12.5 = 46.5% odds
ODDS OF WHO CARES: 9+6+1 = 16% odds
ODDS OF HOCKEY: 14+2 = 16% odds
I know some of you are visual learners and prefer charts! thankfully i am a DATA FIEND who WRANGLES STATS like a SCIENCE COWBOY at the DUDE RANCH OF FACTS, so i've included a chart (see attached image).
if you are visually impaired and require an audio version of this post please ask and i will yell it into a microphone. of course you've already listened to it all in text to speech at this point, but you DO probably want to hear it again and i am happy to help. please don't ask me to do this unless you need it because i swear to fuck i'll do it.
BONNE CHANCE POUR TOUS LES EQUIPES DU BALLE, ET VIVE LE BALLE! ET LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS BALLER!
https://i.imgur.com/J2RwzqJ.png
* i love you guys too i just had to pick on someone for the joke. thanks for being a good sport
― deus ex majima (Will M.), Tuesday, 14 May 2019 21:09 (four years ago) link
Reading ESPN's latest NBA Mock Draft results, and while some have called 2019 a "weak year" for the draft, I have decided that this is a bumper crop... FOR NAMES I AM EXCITED TO SAY OUT LOUD. I tried to be conservative when copy/pasting my favourite names from the list of sixty, but still ended up pulling... 22 of them? Obviously this was too many to simply rank so I put them in nine tiers. FRIENDS, FOES AND PEOPLE I'VE YET TO CATEGORIZE AS EITHER, PLEASE ENJOY THIS PRESENTATION OF "WILL RANKS THE TOP NAMES OF THE ESPN MOCK DRAFT 2019 OF THE NBA IN MAY BEFORE THE LOTTERY."
TIER 9: The "mock drafters picked these players 20th and 21st, and i'll be goddamned if i don't mix them and/or their names up forever" tier: Nickeil Alexander-Walker, Talen Horton-Tucker
TIER 8: the "hey that's who i cosplayed in my most recent historical recreation" tier: Admiral Schofield, Louis King
TIER 7: the "wwe local competitor/enhancement talent" tier: Jaxson Hayes, Nic Claxton
TIER 6: the "basketball player? or retirement village?" tier: Tremont Waters, Shamorie Ponds
TIER 5: the "doesn't afraid of anything" tier: Tyler Herro
TIER 4: the "it'll take america 5 years to learn to pronounce this" tier: Matisse Thybulle, Luguentz Dort, Mfiondu Kabengele, Deividas Sirvydis
TIER 3: the "it'll take america 5 seconds to learn to pronounce this, and they will say it over and over because it's so fun" tier: Chuma Okeke, Rui Hachimura, Miye Oni
TIER 2: the "didn't that guy die in a Bauhaus song?" tier: Goga Bitadze
and finally the TIER 1 OPERATORS, the TOP 5 NAMES, the names so good they never need to play a game of basketball to be burnt into my memory forever (but i hope they all play and succeed and make up an entire all-star team one day):
5. K.Z. Okpala
4. Quinndary Weatherspoon
3. Zion Williamson
2. Zylan Cheatham
1. Bol Bol
― deus ex majima (Will M.), Tuesday, 14 May 2019 21:12 (four years ago) link