AGING PARENTS

Hugs and sympathy, VG

so sorry vg. your remembrance here is touching.

very sorry VG.... take care

My mother passed away on 30th March. We had just transferred her to a care home here in Oxford from one in north London close to where she had lived: we thought she'd be happier down here and of course we could visit her more regularly. Sadly she was only in the new home a day and a half.

Cause of death was listed as "bronchopneumonia" although several people have hinted that this is what they put when they aren't sure of the real cause.

The funeral is today.

Sorry for your loss, gg

Thank you, ― xyzzzz__

Very sorry to hear.

Sorry for your loss VG <3

I think this is wonderful:

Barthes quotes Proust’s letter to Georges de Lauris after his mother’s death: “Tell yourself this, too, for it is a kind of pleasure to know that you will never love less, that you will never be consoled, that you will constantly remember more and more.” pic.twitter.com/rtPuL68tv7

— Maja Lukić (@majalukic113) April 17, 2019

This interview posted on the Rapture thread in which the lead singer's gets quite deep into growing up with suicidal / neglectful parents, dealing with codependency and eventually getting through it, could maybe also be of interest to people here:
http://www.self-titledmag.com/2018/10/03/luke-jenner-interview-the-rapture-meditation-tunnel

I’m in Minnesota. I flew in this afternoon after my aunt let me know that my mom has been in such abdominal discomfort that she has not eaten in several days. She was waffling about hitting the senior alert button (she is 90 and lives independently and I mean *independently*).

I basically flew here to force her to call the medics. She acceded.

We have been in the ER less than two hours and they already know the issue - she had a stomach ulcer which sometime in the last few days has ruptured. They are taking her straight into surgery.

Ugh, sorry to hear. Good work on following yr otm instincts and getting up there to intervene!

<3 jon

Just as a cautionary note. Surgical anesthesia in the very elderly can lead to a prolonged period of hallucinations, paranoia, or confusion afterward. This happened to my mom at 92 and to my wife's aunt also. Neither fully recovered their mental abilities before they died. If it doesn't happen to your mom, be very glad.

Quincie otm about otm instincts. Take care of you while the docs take care of her <3
Compose a symphony while u wait?

Ok so this is now too eventful and hard to explain so I am gonna copy and paste what I just emailed to the family:

Plot twist! We were taken to the pre-op area and the surgeon came to talk to us. After seeing mom in person, she re-examined the scans in detail as she was perplexed that someone with that internal situation could present so functionally and be able to get out of bed etc.

She said this is an unusual case where the scans plus her personal state indicate that the perforation has begun to be “walled off” or self-sealed by her body.

She recommended that we prove this out by keeping her in the hospital for a few days on no food (IV fluids obviously), then doing a contrast scan on Friday or so; if there is an actual perforation at that point the contrast will be visible outside her stomach. If not then we can conclude that her body is indeed healing it.

The other option is to do the surgery tonight and verify first hand the open or contained status of the perforation. At the age of 90 an abdominal incision a few inches long is a serious matter. So mom and I both agreed the no-food period followed by contrast scan was the right choice and the surgeon feels positive about it too.

And actually, just now the pre-op nurse was talking to me about how glad she is they don’t have to operate tonight and basically said exactly what Aimless just said about anesthesia - which I hadn’t even been thinking about, I was just worried about incision and infection and recovery etc.

good luck to you and all of yours, Jon

Sorry to hear all this jon; hope it's cleared up soon and that your family gets back on track

Excellent - I can only second Aimless' point - I've seen this happens to both my parents who lost 50% of their mental acuity after anesthesia/artificial coma. In my dad's case, anesthesia (for a minor thing) sent his hitherto slow neuro-degenerative disease speeding down towards complete senility.

Yeah my mom hallucinated smoking nurses and spiders in her room after one of many surgeries.

She died two years ago on Thursday and I still feel shellshocked. Tbh it was a pretty traumatic experience (as were the previous 10 years) but it just all still feels so weird and unreal.

Sorry to hear ENBB that. My dad died 4 years ago and, i'm kinda sad to admit this, but it didn't really affect me one way or another. I think the last 10 years of his life, and the decline into cognitive oblivion throughout, progressively detached me from him. His last two years he was as good as gone to me. And I'm seeing the same thing happen with my mom these days. They always say, keep the good memories of when they were healthy, but it's proving hard. Also, as far as my mother is concerned, her "difficult" ageing (and some therapy) has opened my eyes on the nature of our relationship (which I'd previously idealized to some extent).

The course chosen by that surgeon has been borne out as wise, my mom is gradually getting better and the perforated ulcer has stayed shut. There was a very fucking terrifying moment Friday morning where she had a “vasovagal” response while on the toilet and passed out - the nurse and her were in the bathroom and I heard the nurse saying her name repeatedly to no response and then about 8 staff rushed in with a crash cart and everything and I was just like well this is it... but then it was fine, they were all like oh a vasovagal, nbd. Her bp had dropped to 60/40. That kind of thing did not happen again.

She will maybe get discharged Wednesday and I have heard two versions - discharge to a transitional care place for a couple of weeks of rehab, or discharge to her condo under family supervision (i.e. me).

It feels like we are turning that corner to independent living no longer being so feasible. I am at a loss how to make such decisions. Have talked to the social worker a bit.

Realizing that I have leaned heavily on her two younger sisters (age 88 and 86) to keep tabs on her and help get to appointments etc but now they are too old themselves to really do that role anymore.

Could be the end of the NYC phase of my life. Which will be especially hard on my wife if so. She loves Minnesota and my mom, but she doesn’t drive and has a large network of nyc friends and contacts to lose.

I am at a loss how to make such decisions. Have talked to the social worker a bit.

That's abig transition, if you are the close relative most able and willing to fill this role. Talk to your mom about it. Mention getting a power of attorney and see if she is comfortable with that. Also, ask about becoming her health care representative, so you could make medical care decisions on her behalf.

All this stuff does mean getting much more intimately involved in her life. It would a burden of new responsibilities, but can also be a renewal and deepening of your relationship with her that you'll come to appreciate and ultimately be grateful for.

That sounds very difficult to navigate. Could be a whole new phase of your life though, who knows?! Keep breathing!

gl jon

Jon, let me give you a recommendation for your mom: A PACEMAKER. My late mom was diagnosed with a vasovagal response about eight years before she died, while recovering from a standard procedure (but the symptoms were present for a few years prior). It landed her in the ICU ward at first, but thankfully this cardiovascular specialist was on hand to observe her vitals and diagnosed her with said response. He told me (i.e. the caregiver in charge) the best thing they could do for her was implant a pacemaker into her so her heart rate would never dip below a certain level. It did her a world of good and she never had another dangerous dizzy spell for as long as she lived. Sure, you may need to help your mom out for awhile after the surgery but perhaps that will keep her able to live independently for a few more years.

My mother, who refuses to connect her phone to the internet I pay for at her house, or use the tablet that my sisters bought her, managed to send a txt message to my email address, from the other side of the world asking what Netflix is, because the physical newspaper keeps running stories about Tales Of The City on Netflix

my mother has an email account with her isp, a gmail account, and an email account associated with her iphone. she steadfastly refuses to acknowledge even having the latter and does not check its inbox, despite sending most of her emails to me from it

she also gets like 100 emails a day to each address -- some of them are (health/food) newsletters, some are Special Offers from stores, and quite a lot are from random democratic candidates around the country asking for money

the internet has made her life actively worse. mama sic otm

tbf I gave her a laptop six years ago and within 13 months she managed to get enough spam which she clicked on that the whole computer was fucked & had to be trashed

The most technologically advanced my mom ever got was being able to work a DVR and play computer Solitaire, so y'all's parents are way ahead, though sic, had I managed to get my mom computer literate enough to work with e-mail I suspect I'd have had a similar story to yours. Oh well, I figure that as far as my parents (and others in their generation like them) went, they didn't even get TVs in their households until they entered high school and spent well over half their working lives without a computerized workplace, so it was impressive enough that Mom knew how to operate a DVR.

My mother's been dealing with bowel and sudden-diarrhea problems on and off for years, and it's been especially bad for the past few weeks. Today I went with her to one of her checkups and she was telling the LNP about it -- "I've been taking Metamucil like Dr. _________ told me to but it's just getting worse and worse..."
LNP and I look at each other. Me: "Metamucil? Not Imodium?"
Mom: "Metamucil...?"
"Mom, you've been treating your diarrhea with a laxative. You're probably causing your diarrhea."
Mom looks at LNP, who nods.
"Ohhhhh, lorrrrrd..."

We have to get her into assisted living, but she's just able enough and very much independent enough to keep putting it off. But stuff like this is getting more common.

Has anyone here ever asked the police to do a welfare check on a relative? My mother's not answering her phone.

Happens all the time, don’t hesitate if you are concerned and don’t have another contact (neighbor, etc.) to do it.

My sister wound up going out there. Fortunately she was okay, but we're still at an uncomfortable impasse. My sister "jokes" about burning the house down.

My Dad has a malignant tumor in his colon - was only discovered last month after he began getting odd fevers and developing anemia. He turned 80 two weeks ago and, until a few months ago, was walking miles every day. He's been a healthy guy most of his life til now. We find out Wednesday next week what stage cancer he's in and my two younger sisters in the US ( Dad is in Colombia and I'm in Netherlands) sent me a Whatsapp message last night while I was asleep stating they'd decided it was best I be there beside him in case he needs to go into immediate surgery next week. Both sisters have families, I'm single with no kids so it's easiest for me to head over. Am going to pack up what I'll need for a couple of months at least and prepare to fly over to be with him. Crazy week.

Good luck man.

Thank you. Hoping the best for my old man.

That's rough, Capitane. Best of luck.

Sorry to hear. It’s really great that you are traveling so far to be with him.

Wishing you a lot of strength. Like Quincie said, it's a small silver lining that you are in a position to head over for him.

yesterday, at the drugstore, my mom couldn’t find her car keys, setting off a five-minute scramble until they were found in ‘a pocket she never uses’

going back out later, she had to use a backup set of car keys because she couldn’t find the main set

this morning at the chiropractor she locked the keys in the car and may or may not return home before i have to go to the airport

update: the keys were not in the car but in her pocket all along

Alex, I'd like "Where are my keys?" for $200.

I have so many confusing thoughts about watching my parents get older but most of them center around knowing that it's happening to me, too. And that's even without considering their various maladies and how it points to my own fallibilities.

I don't really know how to say this, or where, but I'm overcome with emotion right now. I was gonna post something on Facebook but it didn't feel appropriate at all. And also it doesn't really belong on any other thread.

In my family I have two relatives with whom I had a deep connection. One of them, my godmother/great-aunt, passed in 2017. The other is a cousin who is in her late 70s. She was diagnosed with late-stage ALS a couple years ago, around the same time that her partner was diagnosed with cancer.

Her partner is now on his last days, he is in hospice with two-months to live. My cousin, however, was facing another year of slow deterioration as a result of her ALS. Already she has extreme difficulty speaking or doing anything.

I was just informed this morning that my cousin has been approved for physician-assisted suicide. Her life will end this coming week. This only became legal in Canada in 2016. I was e-mailing her and I was feeling so, so overwhelmed with happiness and gratefulness. I am so happy that she has been able to choose how she wishes to die, I am so happy that I'm able to be in touch with her and see her before she does, I am just... feeling really grateful that this mechanism exists.

Much love to you and to your cousin, fgti. When Jerry Brown signed the law allowing for that in California, I appreciated his public statement: "In the end, I was left to reflect on what I would want in the face of my own death. I do not know what I would do if I were dying in prolonged and excruciating pain. I am certain, however, that it would be a comfort to be able to consider the options afforded by this bill. And I wouldn't deny that right to others." That seems very right to me.

Well put, Jerry Brown! I mean, it's kind of amazing right now. She picked out her coffin herself, she's telling us all what she wants to have done at her funeral (and subsequent joint remembrance once her partner passes). I, like, don't feel really much grief at all right now, this is such a dignified thing. I feel sad that she got sick but happy that she has the opportunity to go out with dignity and with all of us being able to tell her how much we love her and how much she means to us.

The last time we hung out (outside of like family Christmas/Thanksgiving) we ate oysters and drank champagne at a place in Toronto and she got tipsy and said "I'm going to the ladies' room. When I come back, I'm gonna be YOUNGER. And RICHER." Ugh she is the best

She ran a geriatric-care company that provided in-home nursing services so she is very-well acquainted with the progress of ALS on the body and ya idk, I'm feeling so sad and happy at the same time, it's an interesting feeling

Ah fgti I just read this after watching The Good Place finale and the ILX thread on it. So I'm thinking good things about all this although I know it will be so hard in lots of ways.
I hope that doesn't sound demeaning - the show ended on, basically, situations where you choose your own exit.