Kids say the darndest things

ours started singing "pregnant in-law! pregnant in-law!" to judas priest the other day and now i'll never be able to hear that song in the same way again

Opal, age 2 and 1 month, has a best friend named Pete, born the same week and lives around the corner. Pete's parents work different shifts and they have a nanny who's not always available so they met with a new potential back-up baby-sitter.

Opal's response to learning about this meeting was "When Pete going to get a new parent?"

Dan, that's the cutest thing. I wanna eat her now. Lol

H going on and on in the car about how he's going to find all of the golden eggs this Easter weekend and make a fortune. I'm not sure where he plans to find these cash-infused orbs, bu I did tell him he'd better learn what this weekend was all about or there wouldn't be any eggs, cash, cream or chocolate.

He studies Google for a moment, and then says, "Ah, here it is. Easter is all about the research action of Jesus Christ."

Apparently, I'm not playing enough Stone Roses around the house.

- "He was nailed to a platform and left to die."

- "A cross, son. He was nailed to a cross."

- "Well sure, some people call it that."

ha ha ha. Last night, I halfway started to tell my daughter what the deal with Easter actually was. Had second thoughts though and changed the topic.

Popped in Sainsbury's to get some bits for tea.

"Why is daddy buying so many things? He said we just needed pizza and a pepper and now he has bread and all sorts of other things. He is such a dick."

Nora is 4.

lol. enjoyed all of these updates. this might be common, but our 3 year old now measures long time periods in "naps". so if I say "so and so is happening in 3 days," he always responds "oh, 3 days" as if he understands but then always follows up with "...how many naps?" and i love it.

the other day my 10-y-o looked like he could barely keep his eyes open. i'm like "you ok over there?" and he looks over at me wearily and mutters "man's tired"

our son has been doing this thing which is killing me in both senses. i'll say something, and he'll add something like, "...dadda said mysteriously, as he loomed over his son."

or just now, I said, "You'll need a shower tonight for sure," and he responded, "I need a shower???! he said, taken aback." sometimes this goes on for like five minutes and i have to escape to another room.

"Stop doing that!"

"....dadda cried out, desperately!"

hahahaha thats next level. How old is he!?

I love it.

More infuriating than funny: mr 11 has said endlessly he doesnt want any easter chocolate cos "chocolate is my enemy!" (he has celiac and a few years back absolutely WOLFED down so many sweets he spewed, so hes kinda gone off them"

OK I sez to myself, I'll just get a couple of token Elegant Rabbits or something and pop them in the fridge for the lads.

Come sunday morning Mr11 comes downstairs asking "is it safe to come down?" "err...why wouldnt it be?" "aren't you putting out all the eggs to hunt"

...you mean the eggs YOU DIDNT WANT? *ragequits easter*.

trayce, that reminds me of someone who said 'Hell hath no fury like a toddler whose been given exactly the sandwich he asked for.' Of course, at 11 it's even more enraging.

Omar, that is the best thing i have ever heard.

Did I mention Elisabeth doesn't want kids?

"Push a baby out of my bum? No thanks. I'll adopt puppies instead."

A few months later:

"As Ophelia doesn't want kids, I'll have a baby. It's important to continue the family name."

Which will be hard because:

"Sex? Ewwww. It's two naked people twerking against eachother."

I was saying to Ophelia how great it was the school recommends continuing Latin & Old Greek.

"Your grades are very good!"

Ophelia:"It doesn't mean bec I have good grades, I love Greek."

Ok. Lol.

hahaha

Text from my wife: "Opal is climbing at the playground and she just pointed at the bench and said “can you do me a favor, sit over there”"

surved

I was telling my 4 year old about the Greek Gods. He climbed up the tree in our front yard and yelled, "I am Ohius, God of the Trees. When I throw leaves up I am happy. When I throw leaves down I am angry."

I don't know if this came from cartoons or other kids or cartoons filtered through other kids, but lately my 4 year old has started to yell BOOYAH! and very flavor flav-esque YEAAAHHH BOOOYYYYYY!s when he gets excited about something. The former is a phrase my wife has hated forever so I laugh my ass off that he's adopted this.

Not necessarily saying things but he's also been asking to hear Roger Miller's "Do-Wacka-Do" lately and alternates between listening intently to the lyrics and dancing maniacally.

My daughter got BOOYAH from Cyborg on Teen Titans Go. But she also got "The Light Begins to Shine", so it's not all bad.

'Hell hath no fury like a toddler whose been given exactly the sandwich he asked for.'

LOL yes, I love those irrational tantrums.

Opal at dinner holding a piece of arepa at the end of her fork. “It’s like a dinner popsicle”.

was talking to my 3 year old about dinosaurs and asked her if she knew where baby dinosaurs came from and she immediately answered "from the forest of wolves"

That’s a Mountain Goats song iirc

kids say the darniellest things

"It's not my fault! You raised me!!"

I tell my parents that sometimes and I'm 30

Some time ago I made some reference to going to work and "bringing home the bacon".

Now opal constantly pretends to go to work. She picks up some kind of bag, really any bag, and says "I have to go to work. Have to bring home the bacon" and she walks to the front door, waits 10 seconds then comes back and says "I back, I bring home the bacon".

This morning she said "I bring home the chicken". Guess she wasn't in the mood for bacon.

omg thats too cute

aw.

wife is away today, just me and Opal. At lunch we're finishing these peanut butter and jelly roll-ups from the fridge. Opals "goes oh there's jelly too" and I say "it's PB & J" and she says "what's PB &J" and I say "that means Peanut Butter and Jelly, instead of saying Peanut Butter and Jelly, you can say PB & J"

Fast-forward a few hours, I need to go to the bathroom and Opal insists on joining. She really doesn't like being left alone that much especially if we go to the bathroom. We're going to be potty training soon so we figure it's educational anyway. She comes in and sits down and says "what're you doing?" and I say "I'm going to the bathroom" and she says "pee-pee"

and then she yells out "Pee-Pee and J!"

Sorry if that's TMI but Pee-Pee and J is one for the books I figured.

Our 3yo apparently memorises the books we read her and likes to correct us when we take even minor liberties - "She gave it her coat to keep warm" "No to STAY warm!" - so I was reading "Peace at Last", about a bear who can't sleep:

Me: "The hour was late"
Her: "No the OWL was late!"

I started to explain then saw there was an owl in the picture and thought fuck it :)

Opal does that too but usually when I make changes on purpose to add her name.

We’re potty training and we’re trying to get her to drink plenty of water and the other day said “drink up it’s hot out and you have to stay hydrated” and she said “like a bear?”

I.e. hibernating.

I took our 4yo to a Marvel Comics exhibit and there was some stuff there about Captain America fighting Nazis. My son started asking lots of questions about Nazis, like, "Does Hitler hit people?" Then we sat down to eat in the dining area and he yells out, "DONALD TRUMP IS A NAZI!"

yr kid otm

Opal's favorite thing is whenever I say something like "Mommy will be home in no time" or "your snack will be ready in no time" she says "my snack will be ready in YES time"

My dad used to say "no way José" (except he said it "ho zay") and I would say "yes way José". At least one time I asked for a coke and he said "no way José" and I said "yes way Coke way". Kids are linguistic innovators.

my mother in law used to said that "no way José" was cussing & so my wife couldn't say it when she was a kid. moms say the darnedest things.

6yo daughter picks up her mum's cup of tea. "Mmm, tea. So flavourless, so refreshing!"

otm

Hahaa!

after getting a bit wet while walking near the ocean:

"I've got ocean all over me!"

after getting a bit wet while walking near the ocean:

"I've got ocean all over me!"

we took Opal to the beach a few years ago. She wasn't into going in the water but we got her close to the edge, then as the wave came up she ran back up the beach, laughing and yelling "it's following me!"

both cute and slightly horror-movie-ish

speaking of

"hunger games? isn't that pretty scary?"

"oh it's a 12, daddy it's fine"

"but you're 10. and Paul's 7"

"it's ok. i like killing."

The life cycle of a human, according to my five-year-old:

1. Baby
2. Kid
3 .Adult
4 .R.I.P.
5. Zombie
6. Ghost
7. Ultraplasm
8. Space Ranger

agree